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(07/25/02 8:23pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nI just started getting physical with this guy I've been seeing for a little while. The other night, I saw him naked for the first time, and I was horrified to see that his penis curves off to the left, at a pretty severe angle. He didn't say anything about it, so I didn't mention it, either. But I'm concerned. First of all, what's the matter with him? And secondly, will I be able to have sex with him, or will his penis rub against me in the wrong spots?\nThe Bends\nDear Bends,\nI hope you at least didn't act too horrified when you first saw it, because chances are, he's already self-conscious about it.\nLike any other part of the human body, the penis is rarely completely symmetrical. It's within the range of what is considered "normal" for a penis if it has a slight curve in the shaft, or if it points off to one direction or the other when erect. When this happens to a penis, it usually has to do with the proportion of the internal structure of the penis to the size of the external covering of the penis. If the internal structure (called the "crus") is fairly long, the penis is more likely to point straight up. It the crus is relatively short compared to the external part of the penis, it is more likely to point down, even when erect.\nSome cases of bent or curved penises are so severe, they render intercourse nearly impossible. The condition associated with this is known as Peyronie's disease. While no one is certain of the exact cause of this disease, it is usually thought to be the result of some sort of injury, and it often goes away on its own as part of the recovery process.\nThe best thing to do to ensure that the penis recovers properly from Peyronie's disease (if that is the case) is to make sure he sees a urologist. If the penis doesn't seem to be healing on its own, surgery might be an option. But, he should be aware that surgery on the penis sometimes renders the man unable to have an erection, and he might require the aid of a prosthetic device in order to function "normally."\nSo how do you tell if the curvature of your partner's penis is the result of a condition like Peyronie's disease, or if it is simply the way nature made him? The most obvious way to tell is to ask him if his penis has always been this way, or if it has only just recently started to curve. Another warning sign is if the erection is ever accompanied by any kind of pain (and that would be a definite sign that he needs to see a doctor).\nOf course, as you mentioned, you've only just started getting "physical" with this guy, so this might not be the most comfortable topic to bring up. And, as I said, he's probably already quite self-conscious about it, so you need to be careful about how you approach this. But if you really feel that this could be a source of discomfort for you during intercourse, you have a right to address it.\nBut don't jump to conclusions just yet. Most men who experience a slight curve or bend in their penis are able to engage in intercourse just fine, although you might have to adjust your positions or angle of entry from time to time to make sure he doesn't "rub you in the wrong spots." If you and your partner truly care about each other, you should be able to discuss these things. After all, if you don't feel comfortable enough talking about it, how can you feel comfortable enough to have sex with him?\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(04/26/01 4:09am)
Dec. 9, 1997\nDear Sexpert,\nMy boyfriend wants me to have anal sex with him. He says he fantasizes about it regularly and has always wanted to try it. We have sex on a regular basis, but I don't think I would enjoy it. He says if I love him, I should do this for him. What do I do? Can anal sex be pleasurable? How?\nNot sure\nDear Not sure,\nFirst off, let me assure you that your boyfriend's fantasy really isn't all that unusual. There are many men out there who fantasize about anal sex, and yes, there are many women out there who really enjoy it.\nHow can it possibly be enjoyable, you ask? Well, look at it this way: Your anus is surrounded by thousands of nerve endings, which makes it a very sensitive area on your body. Any kind of stimulation to that area has the potential to produce some pretty interesting sensations. Or, you could think of it this way: We have mouths so that we can eat, chew up food, mush it around in there with saliva to break it down and prepare it for digestion … you get the idea. When you think about it, that whole process is pretty gross. We don't have mouths because we're supposed to use them for kissing, but we do, and we like it, right?\nIn all honesty, though, the anus is really not equipped to accommodate a penis, so if you decide to give this anal sex thing a try, there are a few precautions you should take:\n1. Use a condom. Even if you and your man are monogamous and there is no concern about pregnancy or disease, a jimmy-hat will save you the trouble of some post-coital cleanup and discomfort.\n2. Lubricate! Lots and lots of lubrication! Remember that your anus doesn't conveniently and automatically lubricate upon arousal the way you vagina does. A nice water-based lubricant (K-Y Jelly is pretty standard) will make things a lot easier for you. Also, keep in mind that your anus doesn't stretch like a vagina when something is forced into it -- sometimes, it tears. This is the reason STDs can spread quickly in those who practice unprotected anal sex: semen can come into direct contact with blood (this is another good reason for you to use a condom). Using a lot of lubrication will minimize the risk of this happening.\n3. Go very slowly. Tell your boyfriend he absolutely must be extremely gentle with you. Anything fast and forceful will most likely be altogether unpleasant. So even if he gets really excited and finds it difficult to control himself, remind him that his patience is required in this situation. And try to relax as much as possible. I know it's easier said than done, but any tension or self consciousness of your part will make you tighten up, and entry will be more painful.\nAbove all else, you must respect your own boundaries. If reading this doesn't make anal sex sound any more appealing to you, don't do it. You won't enjoy it, and you'll resent your boyfriend for talking you into it. What I don't like about your situation is your boyfriend's use of the old "You would if you loved me" line. That statement is completely unfair, and is no way to get your lover to do something for you. So next time he says that to you, just say, "No, I would if I wanted to. And if my vagina isn't good enough for you, you can whack off in the corner."\nFeb. 23, 1999\nDear Sexpert, \nI have heard that when guys perform oral sex on women, they sometimes write out the alphabet with their tongues. Is this true? Why do they do that? Does it work?\nSpelling bee\nDear Spelling,\nYou have to understand that the number of guys out there who are actually confident about their cunnilingus skills are in the vast minority. Whether they will admit it or not, many guys do not have a firm grasp of the layout of female anatomy, and therefore tend to become a bit insecure when they find themselves face-to-face with it (so to speak).\nHere is where the alphabet trick enters. Through a series of locker-room type discussion and tips passed down from one generation of boys to the next, the technique was developed in a desperate attempt for guys to have some kind of reliable pattern to follow. The alphabet is relatively easy to remember, doesn't require a whole lot of fierce determination or concentration, and perhaps most importantly, prevents one from getting drawn into the trap of monotonous one-directional lapping. Most of the guys who employ this technique seem to be operating on the belief that falling into a constant, repetitive pattern would be the kiss of death for excitement.\nYou will probably find that the alphabet phenomenon is almost universally male. My lesbian sources seem to find the idea of this rather puzzling and somewhat humorous. One source dryly dismissed it as "maybe an OK starting point for boys who don't know what they're doing, but it won't work forever." Of course, given that lesbians come well-equipped with a familiarity of female genitalia, they do have a bit of an upper hand.\nFor those out there who are relying on the alphabet technique as the be-all and end-all of oral sex, I would highly discourage you from this frame of thinking. Most women agree variations in speed and pressure are much more important that being able to spell your name with your tongue. And of course, all women are different, and what feels incredible to one might not be a sure thing for another.\nOn the other hand, I wouldn't rule out the alphabet technique completely. It does present a wealth of possibilities for fun and games. For example, you could try to spell out subliminal messages on your partner's clitoris. Or you could produce some interesting vibrational sensations by humming the little ABC song as an accompaniment.\nFor those out there who depend on the alphabet because you have no idea what else to do, then for heaven's sake, just ask your partner what she likes. There's no shame in that. It's ultimately more rewarding for both of you to experiment and discover together what the most pleasurable methods are than to simply fall back a technique your older brother's best friend swears by without question. And anyway, put yourself in her position. If your girlfriend asked you what felt good when she was performing oral sex on you, would you be put off by it? Would you think she was dumb for asking? On the contrary, you'd probably jump at the opportunity to offer a few pointers.\nBy the same token, I encourage everyone to go ahead and divulge your likes and dislikes to your partner, no matter what the situation is. Communication is key to satisfaction. If you don't feel entirely comfortable using a lot of clinical terminology, you may find it helps if you and your partner develop code words and nicknames to refer to such things.\nAs usual, the golden rule of sex applies: An enthusiastic partner wins out every time. A willingness to experiment and find out what pleases your partner is infinitely more exciting than some old, cliched, "tried and true" technique. The greatest thing about oral sex is you are only limited by your imagination. Lips, tongue, teeth, suction, fingers and other outside objects can all come into play here.\nThe bottom line is, the alphabet technique has its merits, but it's important to expand beyond that.\nApril 20, 1999\nDear Sexpert,\nI am very outgoing in everyday life, and I like to be in control most of the time. But in the bedroom, I am very submissive. I prefer to have my boyfriend tie me down to the bed and take control. My boyfriend finds this odd, because I am such a social extrovert. He expects it to be the other way around. Is this normal?\nGentle\nDear Gentle,\nIt's a very common misconception to think that dominance and submission in the bedroom is all about one partner chaining the other one up and violently whipping and beating him or her. Rather, dominance and submission involves the mutual exchange of power and control between two partners, and both roles are equally important. You can't have one without the other, and both roles can prove to be equally pleasurable.\nIt is quite common for people to prefer the role opposite of the one they play in daily life once they get into the bedroom. It makes sense, when you think about it. If you harbor a lot of responsibility at work or school, or you are constantly the one making plans for social gatherings, or you are in a position where you are in control of the actions and responsibilities of people working under you, then it's perfectly natural that you find it is a pleasant respite to relinquish that control when it comes to a sexual situation.\nThe opposite is equally true. People who seem shy and submissive in public often enjoy taking on the dominant role in the bedroom. One who is normally introverted and withdrawn to the outside world might feel comfortable with a partner he trusts to come out of his shell in the bedroom, and take control. This seemingly unusual role-reversal has to do in large part with the erotic appeal of fantasy and role-playing. It can be incredibly fun and thrilling to abandon the role you play to the outside world for something completely different.\nPart of the greatest joy of sex is experimenting with new and different things. It is usually the new and different things that excite people sexually. If you are usually the dominant one in social settings and always the dominant one in a sexual situation, you aren't getting a lot of variety in your life. Our public lives subject us to a lot of expectations from others. By now, your friends, coworkers and the other people in your life expect you to play a certain role. But in a private encounter with you and your partner, you create your own expectations, and nobody else has to know what you do behind closed doors. This creates the perfect atmosphere for experimentation with the roles you don't normally play.\nThe role of the submissive is the ideal role for those who crave a lot of attention. This is often true of people who are considered "social extroverts." Whether your partner is tying you up and spanking you or barking orders for sexual favors at you, the direct focus is on the submissive. You might also like the idea that you are so sexually attractive and desirable that your partner will go so far as to chain you up so he or she can have his or her way with you.\nAnother important aspect of dominance and submission is the trust you and your partner must have in one another to make it work. By being the submissive, you have entrusted your partner to take control of the situation. This makes for a win-win situation: you not only get the excitement of not knowing what will come next from your partner, but also the security of knowing your partner will respect your desires and limitations.
(04/26/01 4:01am)
Dear Readers,\nAs some of you might have figured out, I'll be graduating in a little less than two weeks, thus ending (at least temporarily) my four-year run as the IDS Sexpert. It's been a wild ride. When I started writing for the IDS, I never thought the column would take off the way it did. And that means I have you, my dear, faithful readers, to thank for keeping the Sexpert column alive and healthy for the last four years.\nSo, thank you for reading, thank you for all your comments, support and criticism, and thanks for all those times I overheard you talking about me when you didn't realize I was there. But most of all, thank you for your questions. If this campus weren't so full of emotionally torn, sexually confused, romantically disenchanted students, I would have been out of a job. The questions I receive have opened my mind and broadened my horizons more than any other experience I've had as a college student, and for that I am grateful. I hope that my humble bits of advice have served to repay you at least in part.\nIn honor of my last Sexpert column as an IU student, I thought I'd finally get around to answering some of the most frequently asked questions I get that never seemed appropriate for publication.\nHow did you get to be the Sexpert?\nI lived in Collins Center during my freshman year, and wanted to write for its weekly newsletter, the Collins Columns. Someone suggested we should have a sex advice column. No one wanted to actually write it, so I blindly took the plunge. Thus, the Sexpert was born.\nLater, the then-opinion editor at the IDS, Sara Spalding, told her sister the paper was looking for some columns that were a little less conservative. Sara's sister happened to be a good friend of mine, so she referred her to me. So that's how I started my career at the IDS. (Thanks, Lisa.)\nHow many editors did you have to sleep with to get your job?\nNone. How many people does one have to sleep with to qualify as the Sexpert?\nNone of your business.\nWhere do you get your information?\nI do plenty of research for each column, and I won't print the answer to any question unless I'm confident the information is accurate. I have contacts with professors in various departments should I have any questions, and I have a veritable library of sex books I've collected during the past four years.\nOnce the column became more successful and people started telling me I could have a future as an advice columnist, I changed my major to Human Sexuality through the Individualized Major Program. The IMP is a great avenue for students whose interests fall outside the boundaries of traditional departments.\nAnd of course, the wonderful people at the Kinsey Institute have been an incredible resource. I am deeply indebted to such patient and generous Kinsey staffers as Stephanie Sanders, Erick Janssen, Jennifer Bass and others for their information and support. The Sexpert would never have made it this far without them.\nWhat do you look like?\nMost people tell me I look like my father, but with red hair and without a mustache.\nCan I replace you as the Sexpert after you graduate?\nDon't count me out just yet. The IDS has a history of churning out advice columnists who continued their careers after graduation (E. Jean Carroll of Elle, Harlan Cohen of "Help Me Harlan"). So while I don't have any immediate plans for my future, I can tell you that you haven't heard the last of the Sexpert.
(04/03/01 3:56am)
Dear Sexpert,\nMy partner and I have been enjoying ourselves a lot lately, and we have a very good sex life. We like sex a lot and I want to have it frequently, as does he, but I get sore after a few sexual encounters in a short period of time. I am lucky enough to have multiple orgasms nearly every time we have sex, but I want to increase the number of times we have sex. Is there any correlation between the soreness and the multiple orgasms? Is there anything I can do to not be sore, any exercise or technique? Is it bad to keep having sex if I'm sore?\nToo Sore to Score\nDear Sore,\nWhether your soreness has to do with your multiple orgasms depends on what kind of pain it is. As you might know, when you have an orgasm, your uterus and vaginal muscles contract and relax in rapid succession. So if you have several orgasms during a brief period of time, several times a day, for several days in a row, you could experience some mild muscle soreness. You might even consider this a satisfactory kind of pain, similar to when your muscles are sore the day after a strenuous workout. That kind of pain signifies an accomplishment.\nIf that's the kind of pain you're feeling, you might find that exercising some of the muscles in your pelvic region can strengthen them and improve their flexibility, alleviating some of the pain. Think of yourself as an athlete going into spring training to prepare for your next multi-orgasmic sex marathon. Your personalized sex workout should include abdominal clenches, pelvic clenches and Kegel exercises: clench and release the muscles in your pubic area as though you're trying to stop urinating mid-flow. The great thing about this kind of exercise is that you can do it while driving, writing a paper or sitting in class, and no one will ever know.\nMy guess is that the pain you're experiencing isn't muscle pain, but chafing of the delicate vaginal skin that can result from lots of sex (unofficially known as the "rope burn" effect). This kind of chafing is usually the result of a lack of sufficient lubrication. Even if you're highly aroused, sex for long periods of time can strip away your natural lubrication. This is an easy problem to remedy. Just stock up on a good water-based lubricant such as KY or Astroglide (don't forget that oil-based products can destroy condoms) and reapply frequently throughout your encounter.\nIf rope burn is the culprit behind your pain, you should take a couple of days off to allow yourself to heal before engaging in another sexual encounter. The tiny abrasions can leave you more susceptible to a sexually transmitted disease, as anything lurking in your partner's bodily fluids will have more direct access to your bloodstream. Having more sex when you're already sore will only aggravate the abrasions. But if you maintain proper hygiene and wear breathable cotton underwear, you should heal up and be back in the ring in no time.\nWhether your pain is caused by chafing or muscle soreness, it's still a good idea to isolate and strengthen your sex muscles. Exercising these muscles will strengthen them and help increase blood flow to that region. This will ultimately help you to become more aroused and might even improve your ability to orgasm. Not that it sounds like you need any help with that.\nSend questions and comments to jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(03/20/01 10:46pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nI remember hearing somewhere a man's testosterone levels will rise in accordance with his mate's most fertile moments during her cycle. I have also heard of some men experiencing "sympathy" morning sickness during his mate's pregnancy. I was wondering if there has been any research on a similar phenomenon for PMS. It might be mere coincidence, but it seems to me that my mood swings and appetite become erratic along with my girlfriend's when she is having her period. Is this a common occurrence?\nMidol Man\nDear Midol Man,\nAs far, as I know, there has been no official research on "sympathy PMS." I could be wrong about that, but I was unable to find anything.\nHormones work in funny ways. Not only do they seem to rule all of our actions and emotions (especially during puberty), they also tend to mess around with people who spend long periods of time in close contact with each other. You might be familiar, for example, with the idea that groups of women who live together (i.e. in residence halls or sorority houses) often find that their periods eventually synchronize. This is sometimes referred to as the "proximity factor."\nBut my personal interpretation of your situation is that it is more psychological than having anything to do with the fluctuation/synchronization of hormones. Anything that affects your girlfriend's emotional state will likely affect you, too, just by nature of you being close to her. This could include a death in the family, a bad day at work or PMS. The same thing goes for the way your emotional state affects her. And because PMS occurs on a relatively regular basis, it's natural that you would eventually start to attune to the pattern.\nAlso, keep in mind that the whole topic of menstruation has historically been treated as taboo, and men have often been kept in the dark about it. As understanding and sympathetic as you (and millions of other boyfriends and husbands) might be, you don't actually experience menstruation, so the whole thing might be a little mysterious to you. Your girlfriend's physical symptoms, such as cramping, bloating, breakouts and general feelings of I'm-so-fat-ugly-and-gross might keep her from wanting to get intimate with you. All of these things combined can leave you feeling frustrated and useless.\nBecause what you are feeling is most likely the residual effect of what your girlfriend is going through, there is unfortunately little you can do about it. If your girlfriend experiences such debilitating PMS every month that it affects both your lives, urge her to speak to a doctor about new kinds of treatment for severe PMS. She might also want to consider going on birth control pills, which can help alleviate pre-menstrual suffering in some women.\nOtherwise, the best thing you can do is be there for her and be supportive. Let her know that you (literally) feel her pain, and you understand what she is going through. Try not to take each other's mood swings personally. Of course, if you both get so grouchy during that time of the month that you do nothing but scream at each other for days, you're both only contributing to the stress, so it might be best to spend a little time apart.\nTry to get a feel for what your girlfriend needs most, because her erratic mood swings might hinder her from being able to tell you herself. She might vacillate between wanting to cry on your shoulder and wanting to bite your head off, and that would understandably put you in a confused emotional state as well. But I can assure you, no matter what she says to you in her pre-menstrual state, she probably gets at least a glimmer of satisfaction that there's a guy out there who's suffering through it, too.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(03/06/01 5:02am)
Dear Sexpert,\nI'm a woman with inverted nipples, and I really hate them. I'm self-conscious about them not only because they're weird, but also because I think they just look ugly compared to normal nipples. It's a constant source of embarrassment to me, and it makes me hate getting naked in front of others (whether it's in the locker room or the bedroom). Why are they like that? Will they ever look normal? Is there anything I can do to change them?\nInside-out\nDear Inside-out,\nInverted nipples are caused when the length of the milk duct is shorter than the depth of the breast, causing the tip of the nipple to be pulled into the breast. This really isn't all that unusual; it's generally considered to be a normal variation in the spectrum of breast shape and size.\nIn some women, inverted nipples might "pop out" when they become erect during arousal, but this isn't always the case. Most women with inverted nipples are able to breastfeed, and pregnancy has been known to make some inverted nipples stand out at least temporarily.\nThe only time inverted nipples are a cause for concern is if they used to be turned outward, but only recently became inverted. This change can be a sign of a serious breast disease, so if that's the case, you should see a doctor immediately. But if you've had inverted nipples at least since your breasts developed at puberty, you don't have anything to worry about.\nSo really, the only problem with inverted nipples is the self-consciousness many women feel. I think a lot of this probably has to do with the fact that we don't usually see women's bodies depicted with realistic variations that naturally exist, so we're brainwashed into thinking that there is really only one kind of acceptable nipple. The real crime here is that your perfectly normal, natural nipples are causing you to be so self-conscious that it's hindering your sexual enjoyment.\nAs far as permanently changing the direction of your nipple projection, there isn't much you can do, short of cosmetic surgery, and even that is a shaky solution. In many cases, surgery done to "correct" inverted nipples involves severing the milk duct, so you won't be able to breast feed should you choose to have children. That seems like a lot to sacrifice for a relatively minor gain.\nOf course, there are new developments in the field of cosmetic surgery all the time, so it's possible that someone will invent some revolutionary new nipple-extroverter that promises to change your life forever. If you are truly that deeply self-conscious about your nipples and desperate to alter them, then by all means, consult a surgeon and see what he or she says.\nBut my advice is to simply accept them. I know that's easier said than done, but look at it this way: Why should you let such a tiny little part of your whole body be the one thing that stops you from enjoying sex? How is that fair? And anyway, what's with this whole double standard with "innie" belly-buttons and "outie" nipples? Now you can have a matched set, or even be reversed from the norm! Frankly, that's a lot cooler. Take pride in your not-so-run-of-the-mill nipples. Show them off with glee. And use them as a permanent reminder that you refuse to conform to anybody's ideal beauty standards.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(02/27/01 4:08am)
Dear Sexpert,\nI've met this woman I really like, and I want to ask her out. The only problem is, from what I've heard, I think she's really sexually experienced and knows a lot about sex. That's the part that scares me. If we kept going out and she wanted to have sex with me, I'd be horribly embarrassed. I am pretty good with foreplay, but the actual thing takes me no more than two minutes. She'd think it was awful. Is there a way to increase my sexual endurance, or at least make it last long enough so I'm not the only one who has felt pleasure?\nQuick Countdown\nDear Countdown,\nFirst of all, before you get all bent out of shape about having sex with this woman, I think you first need to focus on getting a date with her. You don't know that you're going to have any kind of sexual encounter with her at all, so what's the point of worrying about it now?\nSecondly, don't go around deciding whether to ask a woman out based on "what you've heard" about her. You have no idea if what you're hearing is the truth or not. If you like her, ask her out, and give yourself the chance to get to know her first-hand.\nTo answer your question, yes, there are ways of coping with premature ejaculation. And you can be pretty much assured that the more you stress out about it, the bigger a problem it will become.\nSome guys have discovered that if they masturbate a certain amount of time before going out on a date, they won't be too excited when it's time to get down and dirty. I can't really give you any specifics as to how effective this method is, and like everything else, it will vary from person to person. But you can try experimenting with this and see if you think it will help.\nYou can also learn how to "ride the crest" of your orgasm. This may take some practice. Next time you masturbate, try to stop stroking for a minute right before you feel you're about to come. You can repeat this as often as you feel is necessary. You basically do the same thing while you're having sex. Right before the crucial moment, stop thrusting (or at least slow down) until you feel the orgasmic urge has passed and it's safe to continue. This is known as the "stop/start" method. But let me warn you: Some men have reported that if they "ride the crest" for too long, their eventual orgasm is much weaker than it would have been if they had come when they first felt it.\nAnother popular method, although not one I necessarily endorse, is trying to distract yourself while you're having sex. A lot of guys claim to be able to last longer if they try to remember all of their grade-school teachers' names, or some other random piece of inane trivia, rather than actually focusing on the task at hand. But I don't recommend this because I feel it's somewhat disrespectful to your partner. Sure, it's nice that you're trying to last longer for her benefit, but she'd probably be more pleased to know you were totally focused on her during the act than to find out you were busy rattling off record-breaking batting averages in your head. Even if it means you don't last quite as long.\nIdeally, you would be able to trust the women you have sex with enough to be able to discuss this kind of problem. Realistically, that's not always the case, but if you don't feel comfortable with a potential sexual partner, you probably won't be able to overcome your own self-consciousness enough to enjoy it, anyway.\nIn any case, you should by all means take advantage of the talents you do have. You say you are pretty good at foreplay. If you can make this girl come five times in a row by other means of stimulation, she probably won't be so concerned with how long the actual intercourse lasts.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(02/20/01 5:24am)
Dear Sexpert,\nI've been dating this guy for a while now, and I know he likes me a lot. The thing is, I have a serious crush on one of his best friends, and I know he feels the same way about me. I've talked to him about the situation before, and we can't decide what to do. Neither of us wants to hurt the guy I'm seeing now, but we really want to start seeing each other. Is there any way to make this work without ruining their friendship and having them both end up hating me?\nBurning the candle at both ends
(02/14/01 9:15pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nI have the problem that I usually begin foreplay with a good stiff erection, but I lose some of the stiffness after 10 minutes of foreplay. I still have a sort of erection, but it\'s not as rigid and therefore penetration becomes more difficult. Is there anything a man can do to gain more voluntary control of his erections? Is there any way one can control the flow of blood into the erectile tissue by tensing and relaxing the muscles behind the testicles?\nStiff Situation\nDear Stiff\nClenching and relaxing your pelvic muscles would most certainly help to increase the blood flow to that region. It\'s sort of like when you clench your fist several times, and it makes the veins in your arms pop up. Any time you isolate the muscles in a certain part of your body, blood flow will increase there.\nIt would certainly be worth giving it a shot, but you might find that clenching and releasing your pelvic muscles is not the easiest or most effective method for controlling your erections. For one thing, it might require too much concentration in the heat of the moment. It could distract you from the task at hand, therefore becoming somewhat counterproductive.\nYou don\'t specify in your letter what kind of foreplay you are engaging in when you start to lose your erection, but it sounds like you might not be spending enough time on the receiving end. Don\'t get me wrong - it\'s great if you are taking a lot of time to make sure your girlfriend is getting what she needs before intercourse. But hey, guys have needs too, right? If you feel like you are giving a lot and not getting quite enough in return, you could try to simply encourage a little more reciprocity. Like most things in life, sex relies heavily on the give-and-take.\nIf that isn\'t the issue and you find you\'re still losing your erections, you should consider experimenting with a cock ring. These are designed to keep blood from flowing out of the penis once you already have an erection, so they can make erections last longer. Cock rings are available in metal, leather or latex models. If you\'ve never used one before, you should start out with a leather or latex one, both of which offer a little more flexibility than the metal kinds.\nTo wear a cock ring, slip the ring around both testicles and the penis before you become erect. Once you\'ve achieved an erection, you\'ll feel a certain amount of pressure from the cock ring. Some men find this increased pressure pleasurable, and others don\'t like it so much. The advantage of leather cock rings is that many models have adjustable fasteners, so you can experiment with the degree of tightness and pressure you find most pleasurable. The fasteners on leather cock rings also mean they can be removed quickly and easily, should something go wrong.\nFor your first few tries, don\'t wear the cock ring for longer than 30 minutes at a time, and try to avoid falling asleep with one on. Some guys like to wear them for longer, but it\'s better to get a bit of a feel for them before you start wearing them for hours at a time.\nIf none of these suggestions help you maintain your erection, you might want to consider other factors that could be inhibiting you. for example, are you sufferig from outside stresses, such as work or school? Are you becoming bored with your sex life, or frustrated with your partner? Are you too tired or distracted to become or stay aroused? And remember, the more frustrated you allow yourself to get about this little hindrance, the bigger a deal it is likely to become.\nTry focusing on the things that give you the most pleasure rather than the things that drag you down, and you are much more likely to be satisfied.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(02/13/01 8:08pm)
Dear Sexpert\nMy roommate has oral herpes. I am concerned that I might get it if, for instance, I share a candy bar with her or something like that. I know herpes is only contagious when one has an outbreak. But I understand it is contagious at the beginning of an outbreak, when the developing sore(s) can still be small enough as to go unnoticed by anyone other than the person who has the virus. I do not want to be paranoid, but on the other hand I don\'t want to get herpes. Could you tell me whether it is risky to ever share a glass with her even if at the time it seems that she doesn\'t have a breakout?\nHerpa-phobic\nDear Herpa-phobic\nThe herpes semplex virus (HSV) is broken into two strands: HSV-1, which is associated with cold sores or fever blisters around the mouth and nose, and HSV-2, otherwise known as genital herpes. HSV-2 is typically thought of as a sexually transmitted disease; HSV-1 is not. But either virus can be spread to either part of the body through oral-genital contact. In other words, if somebody with oral herpes performs oral sex on you during an outbreak, you could contract genital herpes, and vice versa. But you should also keep in mind that they are two separate viruses, and just because your roommate has oral herpes does not mean she also has genital herpes.\nBoth oral and genital herpes are most contagious during an actual outbreak, but genital herpes is much more likely to spread when there are no ostensible symptoms. HSV-1 is easier to contract because sores on the face are more exposed than sores on the genitals. During an outbreak, simple skin-on-skin contact is often all it takes to pass the virus to others.\nCold sores tend to erupt quickly - they usually go from nonexistent to fully formed within a day of the first \"tingly\" sensation of an oncoming outbreak. It is unlikely you would catch the virus during the beginning stages of an outbreak, because that stage doesn\'t last long. If you\'re concerned that your roommate is harboring tiny cold sores invisible to the naked eye, the only thing you can do is to ask your roommate to be open with you and tell you if she suspects an outbreak. Your roommate probably already knows that to avoid passing the virus on to other people or to other parts of her body, she needs to be diligent about her hygiene during an outbreak: she should avoid touching the sores, and if she does, she should wash her hands immediately before touching any other part of her body. You should also avoid touching her sores, kissing her, sharing eating utensils, etc. while she\'s having an outbreak.\nThere is no known cure for either form of the virus, but both are controllable. Your roommate can buy over-the-counter topical medications, such as Campho-Phenique or Abreva, to help heal sores that already exist. (Tell her to apply these ointments with a clean Q-tip, not her bare finger, and to avoid double-dipping the Q-tip.) And medications prescribed to control genital herpes outbreaks, such as Valtrex and Zovirax, are also effective in controlling oral herpes outbreaks.\nYou should also keep in mind that HSV-1 is extremely common: as many as 90 percent of people in some regions are infected with it by their 40s. So your roommate is not in the minority. That said, the most helpful thing you can do is avoid making your roommate feel like a hideous freak every time a little cold sore crops up.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(02/13/01 7:37pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nI've been seeing this guy for about a month, and although we've never actually had sex, we have been involved physically. The other night, I brought him to orgasm with just my hand, thinking hand jobs followed the natural progression of a developing sexual relationship. But after we finished, he told me he thought it was weird and that he'd never done it before with anyone else. I'm really confused, because I know he's been with other girls, and I can't figure out why he would think a hand job was weird. Doesn't everybody do it? Aren't hand jobs normal?\nDifferent Strokes
(02/06/01 4:40pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nI'm a virgin at 23, but think I've finally found "the one." My boyfriend and I have engaged in some sexual activity -- enough for me to be taken aback by, well, size. I understand a woman's vagina can stretch to accommodate girth, but what about length? If a man's penis is too long to fit entirely into the vaginal canal, does the cervix eventually learn to accommodate it (by stretching to admit the penis, or just shifting upward), or is the man simply inhibited from putting his entire penis inside the woman? If the latter is so, does this decrease his optimal pleasure?\nStretch
(01/17/01 4:21pm)
Dear Sexpert,\nMy boyfriend always has an erection when he wakes up in the morning. Sometimes I've woken up in the middle of the night and discovered he has an erection, even when he's fast asleep! I've heard people talk about "morning wood," but why does this happen? Does it mean he's become aroused, even in his sleep?\nEarly Riser
(12/05/00 4:25am)
Dear Sexpert,\nWhat positions are least likely to get a woman pregnant? Also, during which weeks of the month in relation to her period cycle is she least likely to get pregnant? Is there an effective way to keep track of this?\nRhythm-master\nDear Rhythm-master,\nOK, let's start with the basics. Is your penis in her vagina? If the answer is yes, then she is very likely to get pregnant. It doesn't matter if you're on top, on bottom or standing on your head. Any time you ejaculate inside the vagina without any form of contraception, the woman is at risk for pregnancy. End of story.\nBut there are different times of the month when a girl is more fertile. Planning your sex life around the ups and downs of the menstrual cycle is known as the "rhythm method" or "natural family planning." While this is a somewhat popular method, especially in religious families where artificial means of birth control are frowned upon, let it be known that I do not endorse this as a highly effective birth-control method. Hormones, as we all know, are very unpredictable, and it is very easy to screw up when you're relying on the rhythm method. I would also like to point out that the rhythm method offers absolutely no protection against the transmission of sexually transmitted diseases.\nA woman is most fertile during ovulation, which is when one of her ovaries releases an egg to be fertilized. On a clockwork-regular 28-day cycle, ovulation occurs roughly halfway between periods. It is important to note that the egg can live for one to three days, and sperm can survive in the vagina for two to seven days. So you should prepare for a nine-day danger zone: five days before ovulation, the day of ovulation and three days after ovulation. That leaves 19 days that are considered "safe," but don't forget that four to seven of those "safe" days will be occupied by the woman's period. So unless you aren't squeamish about blood, you've got about 12 to 15 days.\nIn order for the rhythm method to work, the woman has to "chart" her fertility patterns by paying close attention to the changes that occur throughout her cycle. There are several ways to do this: the temperature method, the cervical mucus method and the calendar method. The most effective thing to do is combine all three methods, resulting in what is known as the "symptothermal method." She must take her body temperature every day before getting out of bed (it will rise slightly on the day of ovulation), observe changes in her cervical mucus (it will become thicker and clearer during ovulation) and track her cycle on a calendar to make sure her periods are regular. Sounds like a lot of work when you could just as easily buy condoms or go on the pill, huh?\nI can't stress enough how risky this method is. Under normal use, 20 out of every 100 women who rely on the rhythm method will get pregnant. If it's used perfectly, that number drops to three, but perfect use is extremely rare. First, your girlfriend has to be absolutely positive her cycle is completely regular. Second, exactly how closely do you keep track of your girlfriend's menstrual cycle anyway?\nSend all your questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(11/28/00 5:41am)
Dear Sexpert,\nMy question concerns problems I have been having with my girlfriend. She is a virgin, and although we have been trying to have intercourse for some time, we have had no success because she feels terrible pain with any sort of penetration. Sometimes I have penetrated her with my finger while giving her oral sex and she has enjoyed it, but more often than not it simply hurts. Since my penis is larger than my finger, penile penetration has been hopeless. I know from experience that it can hurt the first time for a woman, but this seems unusual. Is it possible that she needs medical attention? Are there any tricks I should know about making penetration as painless as possible? I have had sex with several other women before and have never had this problem, so I'm a little stumped. Pokey\nDear Pokey,\nNo, your girlfriend probably doesn't have a medical problem, but she should see a doctor anyway. Any woman who is (or plans to be) sexually active should see a gynecologist at least once a year. On the off chance that your girlfriend does have a medical condition, the gynecologist will discover it then and can otherwise make sure that everything is in working order.\nSome women do have particularly small vaginas, but even the smallest ones should be able to accommodate a penis. And since you mention that you have already been penetrating her with your fingers, her hymen has probably already been broken. Your girlfriend is probably experiencing "vaginismus," which is basically just a fancy word for the involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles. This can occur for any number of reasons, not the least of which is nervousness. To minimize this, you need to make sure to move slowly, and try not to pressure her. Make sure she is completely comfortable with the pace at which you are moving.\nAnother primary culprit for pain during sex is lack of sufficient lubrication. Of course, one way to combat this is to extend foreplay until your girlfriend is highly aroused. But some women simply don't produce enough lubrication on their own, no matter how aroused they are. You should experiment with lubricants purchased over-the-counter. Go for water-based ones that won't destroy condoms, such as KY Jelly or Astroglide.\nYou are on the right track by inserting your finger while performing oral sex. Cunnilingus can help contribute to lubrication, and manual stimulation can help her get used to the feeling of vaginal penetration. Next time, try inserting two fingers rather than just one, and see if this also causes pain. As your girlfriend gets used to accommodating more than just one finger, you can try slowly inserting your penis.\nGoing slowly and double-checking your aim are both key. If you move too quickly or are just randomly jabbing at her with your penis, her vagina can get tender and slightly swollen. This will only succeed in making penetration even more difficult and painful the next time you try.\nFinally, try altering your position to allow your girlfriend more control. Many women feel they are better able to control the speed, depth and angle of penetration if they are on top. Ask your girlfriend which position she feels most comfortable in; if she isn't sure, just experiment until youfind something that works. If she prefers to be on the bottom in the basic missionary position, try slipping a pillow under her butt. This can change the angle of entry just enough to make intercourse a little more comfortable.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(11/14/00 4:13am)
Dear Sexpert,\nI enjoy performing cunnilingus on my girlfriend but I tend to salivate too much, which curtails her enjoyment. She says it's too "messy." Any thoughts on how I can overcome this problem?\nLap Dog\nDear Lap Dog,\nMany women who confess that they aren't particularly fond of cunnilingus (oral sex) point to this -- the drool factor -- as a primary concern. Unfortunately, salivating is a natural human response, so there isn't too much you can do to stop it from happening. But there are a few things you can do to keep the drool storm under control.\nThe easiest thing to do is perform oral sex with the aid of a dental dam. This thin sheet of latex acts as a barrier between your tongue and her body. All you have to do is hold it up against her while you go down on her, and then carry on as usual -- you don't even have to vary your technique. All the saliva stays on your side of the dental dam, and you get the added benefit of engaging in safer sex. If you have trouble getting your hands on a dental dam supply, a sheet of plastic wrap will serve as a reasonable substitute. I know that this "barrier" method sounds a little less romantic or intimate to some, but if it helps your girlfriend get more pleasure from oral sex, isn't it worth it?\nThe angle of your head can make a big difference. Have you ever noticed that if you lean your head forward and leave your mouth hanging open, it doesn't take very long for saliva to accumulate in your mouth and eventually start drizzling out? Well, it works the same way when you're performing oral sex. If she's on the bottom, keep your head tilted up. One way to put this into practice is to make and maintain eye contact. You'll have to alter the angle of your head to look up at her face. Not only will this decrease drool production, it will greatly increase the level of intimacy. You could also try oral sex while she's on top.\nAnother thing you could try is to alternate oral sex with other forms of stimulation. Breaking up the routine might alleviate the problem.\nYou need to learn how to keep your tongue movements under control. Instead of using your whole tongue, try just using the tip to lightly tease her clitoris. You can then gradually try to increase the amount of contact and pressure with your tongue as you learn to keep the saliva a little more contained.\nAlso, don't underestimate the power of suction. Consider how you eat an ice cream cone. Presumably, you are able to consume it without ending up with a huge sticky puddle in your lap, right? That's because you aren't just licking it, you're actually ingesting it. I'm not suggesting you gobble up your girlfriend like she's a cheeseburger; I'm just saying that you have to take at least as much as you give, if you know what I mean. Alternate straight-up licking with kisses to the clitoris (gentle or more firm, depending on what she prefers). Oh, and swallow often.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(11/07/00 4:08am)
Dear Sexpert,\nMy boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year. And while we do not participate in intercourse, we do a number of different activities to satisfy our sexual needs. They are great and I know that we both enjoy them, but the only problem is that I have never had an orgasm. I do not believe it is because of him, because the feelings are there, it is just that I never go over the edge — kind of like I stay at the peak just before and never go over. After a while, I cannot take the feeling anymore so I have him stop. This frustrates him, but I cannot just go on feeling like that forever; it is exhausting. I cannot understand this. The only thing that I can think of is that I am a little noisy and that might be releasing some of my built up tension. Is that possible?\nCliffhanger\nDear Cliffhanger,\nThe first question I want you to ask yourself is: Are you satisfied with your sex life? Because if it always feels good anyway and you're just as happy without it, then you should stop putting so much pressure on yourself to have an orgasm. In the sex advice industry, we like to say that a sexual problem is only really a problem if the participant views it as such. In other words, going orgasm-free is only really a problem if you can't be satisfied without one.\nThe next thing I'd like to know is whether or not you are able to have an orgasm when you are by yourself. If you have orgasms when you masturbate, that's a good sign: you know you're capable of having one. If that's the case, all you have to do is figure out what it is that makes you come when you're alone, and then share those techniques with your boyfriend.\nThe most common problem with the ever-elusive female orgasm is that it is much more dependent on mood and atmosphere, rather than physical stimulation alone, than the male orgasm. This means that women tend to be highly sensitive to performance pressure when they seem to be "taking a little too long." A pretty sure-fire way to make sure you won't have an orgasm is to keep waiting for it to happen. And honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend isn't helping. The fact that he gets really frustrated when you ask him to stop only puts more pressure on you, and can make you feel more uncomfortable with each encounter.\nWhat happens then is you get distracted by every little thing you think might be hindering your ability to have an orgasm, such as the amount of noise you make. Try not to think about how much noise you are or aren't making and just respond naturally. Some women feel too inhibited to make very much noise, and then they overcompensate by making more noise than they probably genuinely feel, and it's almost like putting on a performance.\nAbove all, don't allow yourself to feel inadequate if you are unable to reach an orgasm. As I've said before, an orgasm doesn't make or break every sexual experience. The more you worry about it, the less likely you will actually be able to come. So don't pressure yourself and don't take any pressure from your boyfriend. Just lie back and enjoy the moment, and you never know what will happen. In the meantime, take some time to yourself to experiment and "practice" at your own pace.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(10/31/00 3:12am)
Dear Sexpert,\nI am a big fan of receiving blow jobs from my girlfriend (I realize this does not make me an anomalous case). I get fellatio rather regularly, but when I talked with her about increasing the frequency, she noted, "It's not the greatest taste in the world." Which leads me to my question: Is there anything I can do physically or nutritionally to improve the taste of my semen?\nMmm Mmm Good\nDear Good,\nRemember that old saying, "you are what you eat"? Well, add this to the list of occasions where that phrase might actually come in handy. Semen is a bodily fluid, just like saliva, sweat, urine and even your girlfriend's vaginal secretions. All of these bodily byproducts are affected by what you eat.\nIf you're terribly concerned about the way your semen tastes, you could try altering your diet. Basically, anything that makes your breath, sweat or urine smell funny will probably have a similar effect on your semen. Remember these three little words to live by: Vegetarians taste better. Meat, processed food, caffeine and alcohol can all make your semen taste more bitter or acidic, so try cutting those out for a few weeks, and see if that makes a difference. Easily digestible foods such as whole grains. Fresh veggies are your best bets. Avoid spicy things such as curry and garlic. Oh, and while you're at it, quit smoking. Pretty soon, you'll be doing tai-chi at sunrise.\nBut if converting to a holistic lifestyle doesn't exactly appeal to you, there are other options. As you said in your letter, this is a totally subjective matter. Some people like a more potent flavor in their lovers. And anyway, let's face facts: It ain't exactly ice cream. And while there are things you could do to alter the flavor, you're never going to make it taste like ambrosia. So think about some alternate solutions.\nFirst of all, if she doesn't like the taste, she doesn't have to swallow. (Hello! That much should be obvious.) She might feel like she's pressured to swallow every single time, or else you might not enjoy it as much. And you know how it is with performance pressure: whether it's real or imagined, even the littlest bit can ruin a sexual encounter. And she probably shouldn't be swallowing anyway, since there is a wealth of new evidence that shows HIV and other STDs are more easily transmittable through oral sex than previously believed. If you two are in a monogamous, long-term relationship, you're probably safe, but she shouldn't make a habit of it. So perhaps she could simply go down on you for a while, and then help you achieve orgasm through manual stimulation or some other means.\nShe could also experiment with flavored condoms. That way, she can actually choose her own flavor for any given encounter, you get your oral-sex induced orgasm and you're both protected against the transmission of diseases. How could that be bad?\nIf you've tried everything under the sun to prevent oral sex from leaving a bad taste in her mouth and she's still not into it, maybe she just doesn't like it. Some people don't. In that case, there's not much you can do, other than be grateful for what you have, or find a new, more willing partner. You decide which is more important.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu. Look for the Sexpert Tuesdays in the IDS.
(10/25/00 3:35am)
Dear Sexpert,\nThis Thanksgiving I'm bringing my boyfriend home to meet my family for the first time. We care about each other very much, and want the event to run smoothly. We practice a "creative" sex life, and I would like to bring our sex toys with us. The problem is that my mom is very nosy and if she found them, she'd sneak rat poison into his stuffing and our relationship would be ruined. Do you have any suggestions for cheap "toy substitutes" that can be found around the house, and which would keep my mom from learning too much about my sex life? Hands Are Tied\nDear Hands,\nNot to worry. With a little creativity, you can avoid a Turkey Day Disaster. Since you don't mention specifically what kind of sex toys you are into in your question, I'm going to have to venture a few guesses.\nPerhaps the most versatile of your ordinary household items is the very innocent-looking hairbrush. On one side, the bristles make for interesting textural play. You can rub the bristles on various parts of your partner's body with varying degrees of pressure. This allows you to see which parts of your partner's body are the most sensitive, and you can become more familiar with his body (always a good thing). Then, just flip the brush over, and you've got a nice little mini-paddle. Of course, don't forget that hairbrush handles are rather phallic, as well.\nScarves make nice blindfolds, but I discourage you from using them as bondage toys. Scarves made of silk or a similar thin, slippery material can tighten unexpectedly, resulting in knots that are nearly impossible to untie. Even worse, the material can tighten around the wrists and cut off circulation. If you want to tie each other up, use a thicker material that will be easier to untie. Bathrobe ties are a pretty good alternative (just make sure it's a big, fluffy robe and not a little satin one.) Just to be on the safe side, keep a pair of scissors nearby, and make sure that the partner who is tied up can break out of the knots by him/herself.\nIf you want to engage in bondage but your old childhood bedroom doesn't have an appropriately shaped headboard, a discreetly placed hook screwed into the wall at the head of your bed can work wonders. If you're extra sneaky, you can remove the hook before you leave, and spackle the hole shut with toothpaste.\nThere are certain things parents really just don't want to know about, but if your mother really is nosy enough to poke through your stuff when you come home to visit, maybe you should talk to her. Ask her why she feels like she needs to find out every lurid little detail of your life by digging through your suitcase, rather than asking you up front. Tell her that her snooping violates your trust, and makes you even more resistant to talking with her. Ask her to respect your privacy, as you respect hers. You might not want to bring this up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but sometime when you can be alone together.\nWhile it's true that you are an adult now and you shouldn't have to hide things from your parents, the fact is, it's their house, and they might not feel comfortable knowing their children are doing unspeakable things right under their roof. In that case, you should be respectful and back down and hold off on the kinkier stuff until you get back to school. And next year, get a hotel room.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.
(10/24/00 4:44am)
Dear Sexpert,\nThis Thanksgiving I'm bringing my boyfriend home to meet my family for the first time. We care about each other very much, and want the event to run smoothly. We practice a "creative" sex life, and I would like to bring our sex toys with us. The problem is that my mom is very nosy and if she found them, she'd sneak rat poison into his stuffing and our relationship would be ruined. Do you have any suggestions for cheap "toy substitutes" that can be found around the house, and which would keep my mom from learning too much about my sex life?\nHands Are Tied\nDear Hands,\nNot to worry. With a little creativity, you can avoid a Turkey Day Disaster. Since you don't mention specifically what kind of sex toys you are into in your question, I'm going to have to venture a few guesses.\nPerhaps the most versatile of your ordinary household items is the very innocent-looking hairbrush. On one side, the bristles make for interesting textural play. You can rub the bristles on various parts of your partner's body with varying degrees of pressure. This allows you to see which parts of your partner's body are the most sensitive, and you can become more familiar with his body (always a good thing). Then, just flip the brush over, and you've got a nice little mini-paddle. Of course, don't forget that hairbrush handles are rather phallic, as well.\nScarves make nice blindfolds, but I discourage you from using them as bondage toys. Scarves made of silk or a similar thin, slippery material can tighten unexpectedly, resulting in knots that are nearly impossible to untie. Even worse, the material can tighten around the wrists and cut off circulation. If you want to tie each other up, use a thicker material that will be easier to untie. Bathrobe ties are a pretty good alternative (just make sure it's a big, fluffy robe and not a little satin one.) Just to be on the safe side, keep a pair of scissors nearby, and make sure that the partner who is tied up can break out of the knots by him/herself.\nIf you want to engage in bondage but your old childhood bedroom doesn't have an appropriately shaped headboard, a discreetly placed hook screwed into the wall at the head of your bed can work wonders. If you're extra sneaky, you can remove the hook before you leave, and spackle the hole shut with toothpaste.\nThere are certain things parents really just don't want to know about, but if your mother really is nosy enough to poke through your stuff when you come home to visit, maybe you should talk to her. Ask her why she feels like she needs to find out every lurid little detail of your life by digging through your suitcase, rather than asking you up front. Tell her that her snooping violates your trust, and makes you even more resistant to talking with her. Ask her to respect your privacy, as you respect hers. You might not want to bring this up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but sometime when you can be alone together.\nWhile it's true that you are an adult now and you shouldn't have to hide things from your parents, the fact is, it's their house, and they might not feel comfortable knowing their children are doing unspeakable things right under their roof. In that case, you should be respectful and back down and hold off on the kinkier stuff until you get back to school. And next year, get a hotel room.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.