The Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,\nMy boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year. And while we do not participate in intercourse, we do a number of different activities to satisfy our sexual needs. They are great and I know that we both enjoy them, but the only problem is that I have never had an orgasm. I do not believe it is because of him, because the feelings are there, it is just that I never go over the edge — kind of like I stay at the peak just before and never go over. After a while, I cannot take the feeling anymore so I have him stop. This frustrates him, but I cannot just go on feeling like that forever; it is exhausting. I cannot understand this. The only thing that I can think of is that I am a little noisy and that might be releasing some of my built up tension. Is that possible?\nCliffhanger\nDear Cliffhanger,\nThe first question I want you to ask yourself is: Are you satisfied with your sex life? Because if it always feels good anyway and you're just as happy without it, then you should stop putting so much pressure on yourself to have an orgasm. In the sex advice industry, we like to say that a sexual problem is only really a problem if the participant views it as such. In other words, going orgasm-free is only really a problem if you can't be satisfied without one.\nThe next thing I'd like to know is whether or not you are able to have an orgasm when you are by yourself. If you have orgasms when you masturbate, that's a good sign: you know you're capable of having one. If that's the case, all you have to do is figure out what it is that makes you come when you're alone, and then share those techniques with your boyfriend.\nThe most common problem with the ever-elusive female orgasm is that it is much more dependent on mood and atmosphere, rather than physical stimulation alone, than the male orgasm. This means that women tend to be highly sensitive to performance pressure when they seem to be "taking a little too long." A pretty sure-fire way to make sure you won't have an orgasm is to keep waiting for it to happen. And honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend isn't helping. The fact that he gets really frustrated when you ask him to stop only puts more pressure on you, and can make you feel more uncomfortable with each encounter.\nWhat happens then is you get distracted by every little thing you think might be hindering your ability to have an orgasm, such as the amount of noise you make. Try not to think about how much noise you are or aren't making and just respond naturally. Some women feel too inhibited to make very much noise, and then they overcompensate by making more noise than they probably genuinely feel, and it's almost like putting on a performance.\nAbove all, don't allow yourself to feel inadequate if you are unable to reach an orgasm. As I've said before, an orgasm doesn't make or break every sexual experience. The more you worry about it, the less likely you will actually be able to come. So don't pressure yourself and don't take any pressure from your boyfriend. Just lie back and enjoy the moment, and you never know what will happen. In the meantime, take some time to yourself to experiment and "practice" at your own pace.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.