Ask the Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,\nI have the problem that I usually begin foreplay with a good stiff erection, but I lose some of the stiffness after 10 minutes of foreplay. I still have a sort of erection, but it\'s not as rigid and therefore penetration becomes more difficult. Is there anything a man can do to gain more voluntary control of his erections? Is there any way one can control the flow of blood into the erectile tissue by tensing and relaxing the muscles behind the testicles?\nStiff Situation\nDear Stiff\nClenching and relaxing your pelvic muscles would most certainly help to increase the blood flow to that region. It\'s sort of like when you clench your fist several times, and it makes the veins in your arms pop up. Any time you isolate the muscles in a certain part of your body, blood flow will increase there.\nIt would certainly be worth giving it a shot, but you might find that clenching and releasing your pelvic muscles is not the easiest or most effective method for controlling your erections. For one thing, it might require too much concentration in the heat of the moment. It could distract you from the task at hand, therefore becoming somewhat counterproductive.\nYou don\'t specify in your letter what kind of foreplay you are engaging in when you start to lose your erection, but it sounds like you might not be spending enough time on the receiving end. Don\'t get me wrong - it\'s great if you are taking a lot of time to make sure your girlfriend is getting what she needs before intercourse. But hey, guys have needs too, right? If you feel like you are giving a lot and not getting quite enough in return, you could try to simply encourage a little more reciprocity. Like most things in life, sex relies heavily on the give-and-take.\nIf that isn\'t the issue and you find you\'re still losing your erections, you should consider experimenting with a cock ring. These are designed to keep blood from flowing out of the penis once you already have an erection, so they can make erections last longer. Cock rings are available in metal, leather or latex models. If you\'ve never used one before, you should start out with a leather or latex one, both of which offer a little more flexibility than the metal kinds.\nTo wear a cock ring, slip the ring around both testicles and the penis before you become erect. Once you\'ve achieved an erection, you\'ll feel a certain amount of pressure from the cock ring. Some men find this increased pressure pleasurable, and others don\'t like it so much. The advantage of leather cock rings is that many models have adjustable fasteners, so you can experiment with the degree of tightness and pressure you find most pleasurable. The fasteners on leather cock rings also mean they can be removed quickly and easily, should something go wrong.\nFor your first few tries, don\'t wear the cock ring for longer than 30 minutes at a time, and try to avoid falling asleep with one on. Some guys like to wear them for longer, but it\'s better to get a bit of a feel for them before you start wearing them for hours at a time.\nIf none of these suggestions help you maintain your erection, you might want to consider other factors that could be inhibiting you. for example, are you sufferig from outside stresses, such as work or school? Are you becoming bored with your sex life, or frustrated with your partner? Are you too tired or distracted to become or stay aroused? And remember, the more frustrated you allow yourself to get about this little hindrance, the bigger a deal it is likely to become.\nTry focusing on the things that give you the most pleasure rather than the things that drag you down, and you are much more likely to be satisfied.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.