Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,\nThis Thanksgiving I'm bringing my boyfriend home to meet my family for the first time. We care about each other very much, and want the event to run smoothly. We practice a "creative" sex life, and I would like to bring our sex toys with us. The problem is that my mom is very nosy and if she found them, she'd sneak rat poison into his stuffing and our relationship would be ruined. Do you have any suggestions for cheap "toy substitutes" that can be found around the house, and which would keep my mom from learning too much about my sex life? Hands Are Tied\nDear Hands,\nNot to worry. With a little creativity, you can avoid a Turkey Day Disaster. Since you don't mention specifically what kind of sex toys you are into in your question, I'm going to have to venture a few guesses.\nPerhaps the most versatile of your ordinary household items is the very innocent-looking hairbrush. On one side, the bristles make for interesting textural play. You can rub the bristles on various parts of your partner's body with varying degrees of pressure. This allows you to see which parts of your partner's body are the most sensitive, and you can become more familiar with his body (always a good thing). Then, just flip the brush over, and you've got a nice little mini-paddle. Of course, don't forget that hairbrush handles are rather phallic, as well.\nScarves make nice blindfolds, but I discourage you from using them as bondage toys. Scarves made of silk or a similar thin, slippery material can tighten unexpectedly, resulting in knots that are nearly impossible to untie. Even worse, the material can tighten around the wrists and cut off circulation. If you want to tie each other up, use a thicker material that will be easier to untie. Bathrobe ties are a pretty good alternative (just make sure it's a big, fluffy robe and not a little satin one.) Just to be on the safe side, keep a pair of scissors nearby, and make sure that the partner who is tied up can break out of the knots by him/herself.\nIf you want to engage in bondage but your old childhood bedroom doesn't have an appropriately shaped headboard, a discreetly placed hook screwed into the wall at the head of your bed can work wonders. If you're extra sneaky, you can remove the hook before you leave, and spackle the hole shut with toothpaste.\nThere are certain things parents really just don't want to know about, but if your mother really is nosy enough to poke through your stuff when you come home to visit, maybe you should talk to her. Ask her why she feels like she needs to find out every lurid little detail of your life by digging through your suitcase, rather than asking you up front. Tell her that her snooping violates your trust, and makes you even more resistant to talking with her. Ask her to respect your privacy, as you respect hers. You might not want to bring this up at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but sometime when you can be alone together.\nWhile it's true that you are an adult now and you shouldn't have to hide things from your parents, the fact is, it's their house, and they might not feel comfortable knowing their children are doing unspeakable things right under their roof. In that case, you should be respectful and back down and hold off on the kinkier stuff until you get back to school. And next year, get a hotel room.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.