Best of the Sexpert

Dec. 9, 1997\nDear Sexpert,\nMy boyfriend wants me to have anal sex with him. He says he fantasizes about it regularly and has always wanted to try it. We have sex on a regular basis, but I don't think I would enjoy it. He says if I love him, I should do this for him. What do I do? Can anal sex be pleasurable? How?\nNot sure\nDear Not sure,\nFirst off, let me assure you that your boyfriend's fantasy really isn't all that unusual. There are many men out there who fantasize about anal sex, and yes, there are many women out there who really enjoy it.\nHow can it possibly be enjoyable, you ask? Well, look at it this way: Your anus is surrounded by thousands of nerve endings, which makes it a very sensitive area on your body. Any kind of stimulation to that area has the potential to produce some pretty interesting sensations. Or, you could think of it this way: We have mouths so that we can eat, chew up food, mush it around in there with saliva to break it down and prepare it for digestion … you get the idea. When you think about it, that whole process is pretty gross. We don't have mouths because we're supposed to use them for kissing, but we do, and we like it, right?\nIn all honesty, though, the anus is really not equipped to accommodate a penis, so if you decide to give this anal sex thing a try, there are a few precautions you should take:\n1. Use a condom. Even if you and your man are monogamous and there is no concern about pregnancy or disease, a jimmy-hat will save you the trouble of some post-coital cleanup and discomfort.\n2. Lubricate! Lots and lots of lubrication! Remember that your anus doesn't conveniently and automatically lubricate upon arousal the way you vagina does. A nice water-based lubricant (K-Y Jelly is pretty standard) will make things a lot easier for you. Also, keep in mind that your anus doesn't stretch like a vagina when something is forced into it -- sometimes, it tears. This is the reason STDs can spread quickly in those who practice unprotected anal sex: semen can come into direct contact with blood (this is another good reason for you to use a condom). Using a lot of lubrication will minimize the risk of this happening.\n3. Go very slowly. Tell your boyfriend he absolutely must be extremely gentle with you. Anything fast and forceful will most likely be altogether unpleasant. So even if he gets really excited and finds it difficult to control himself, remind him that his patience is required in this situation. And try to relax as much as possible. I know it's easier said than done, but any tension or self consciousness of your part will make you tighten up, and entry will be more painful.\nAbove all else, you must respect your own boundaries. If reading this doesn't make anal sex sound any more appealing to you, don't do it. You won't enjoy it, and you'll resent your boyfriend for talking you into it. What I don't like about your situation is your boyfriend's use of the old "You would if you loved me" line. That statement is completely unfair, and is no way to get your lover to do something for you. So next time he says that to you, just say, "No, I would if I wanted to. And if my vagina isn't good enough for you, you can whack off in the corner."\nFeb. 23, 1999\nDear Sexpert, \nI have heard that when guys perform oral sex on women, they sometimes write out the alphabet with their tongues. Is this true? Why do they do that? Does it work?\nSpelling bee\nDear Spelling,\nYou have to understand that the number of guys out there who are actually confident about their cunnilingus skills are in the vast minority. Whether they will admit it or not, many guys do not have a firm grasp of the layout of female anatomy, and therefore tend to become a bit insecure when they find themselves face-to-face with it (so to speak).\nHere is where the alphabet trick enters. Through a series of locker-room type discussion and tips passed down from one generation of boys to the next, the technique was developed in a desperate attempt for guys to have some kind of reliable pattern to follow. The alphabet is relatively easy to remember, doesn't require a whole lot of fierce determination or concentration, and perhaps most importantly, prevents one from getting drawn into the trap of monotonous one-directional lapping. Most of the guys who employ this technique seem to be operating on the belief that falling into a constant, repetitive pattern would be the kiss of death for excitement.\nYou will probably find that the alphabet phenomenon is almost universally male. My lesbian sources seem to find the idea of this rather puzzling and somewhat humorous. One source dryly dismissed it as "maybe an OK starting point for boys who don't know what they're doing, but it won't work forever." Of course, given that lesbians come well-equipped with a familiarity of female genitalia, they do have a bit of an upper hand.\nFor those out there who are relying on the alphabet technique as the be-all and end-all of oral sex, I would highly discourage you from this frame of thinking. Most women agree variations in speed and pressure are much more important that being able to spell your name with your tongue. And of course, all women are different, and what feels incredible to one might not be a sure thing for another.\nOn the other hand, I wouldn't rule out the alphabet technique completely. It does present a wealth of possibilities for fun and games. For example, you could try to spell out subliminal messages on your partner's clitoris. Or you could produce some interesting vibrational sensations by humming the little ABC song as an accompaniment.\nFor those out there who depend on the alphabet because you have no idea what else to do, then for heaven's sake, just ask your partner what she likes. There's no shame in that. It's ultimately more rewarding for both of you to experiment and discover together what the most pleasurable methods are than to simply fall back a technique your older brother's best friend swears by without question. And anyway, put yourself in her position. If your girlfriend asked you what felt good when she was performing oral sex on you, would you be put off by it? Would you think she was dumb for asking? On the contrary, you'd probably jump at the opportunity to offer a few pointers.\nBy the same token, I encourage everyone to go ahead and divulge your likes and dislikes to your partner, no matter what the situation is. Communication is key to satisfaction. If you don't feel entirely comfortable using a lot of clinical terminology, you may find it helps if you and your partner develop code words and nicknames to refer to such things.\nAs usual, the golden rule of sex applies: An enthusiastic partner wins out every time. A willingness to experiment and find out what pleases your partner is infinitely more exciting than some old, cliched, "tried and true" technique. The greatest thing about oral sex is you are only limited by your imagination. Lips, tongue, teeth, suction, fingers and other outside objects can all come into play here.\nThe bottom line is, the alphabet technique has its merits, but it's important to expand beyond that.\nApril 20, 1999\nDear Sexpert,\nI am very outgoing in everyday life, and I like to be in control most of the time. But in the bedroom, I am very submissive. I prefer to have my boyfriend tie me down to the bed and take control. My boyfriend finds this odd, because I am such a social extrovert. He expects it to be the other way around. Is this normal?\nGentle\nDear Gentle,\nIt's a very common misconception to think that dominance and submission in the bedroom is all about one partner chaining the other one up and violently whipping and beating him or her. Rather, dominance and submission involves the mutual exchange of power and control between two partners, and both roles are equally important. You can't have one without the other, and both roles can prove to be equally pleasurable.\nIt is quite common for people to prefer the role opposite of the one they play in daily life once they get into the bedroom. It makes sense, when you think about it. If you harbor a lot of responsibility at work or school, or you are constantly the one making plans for social gatherings, or you are in a position where you are in control of the actions and responsibilities of people working under you, then it's perfectly natural that you find it is a pleasant respite to relinquish that control when it comes to a sexual situation.\nThe opposite is equally true. People who seem shy and submissive in public often enjoy taking on the dominant role in the bedroom. One who is normally introverted and withdrawn to the outside world might feel comfortable with a partner he trusts to come out of his shell in the bedroom, and take control. This seemingly unusual role-reversal has to do in large part with the erotic appeal of fantasy and role-playing. It can be incredibly fun and thrilling to abandon the role you play to the outside world for something completely different.\nPart of the greatest joy of sex is experimenting with new and different things. It is usually the new and different things that excite people sexually. If you are usually the dominant one in social settings and always the dominant one in a sexual situation, you aren't getting a lot of variety in your life. Our public lives subject us to a lot of expectations from others. By now, your friends, coworkers and the other people in your life expect you to play a certain role. But in a private encounter with you and your partner, you create your own expectations, and nobody else has to know what you do behind closed doors. This creates the perfect atmosphere for experimentation with the roles you don't normally play.\nThe role of the submissive is the ideal role for those who crave a lot of attention. This is often true of people who are considered "social extroverts." Whether your partner is tying you up and spanking you or barking orders for sexual favors at you, the direct focus is on the submissive. You might also like the idea that you are so sexually attractive and desirable that your partner will go so far as to chain you up so he or she can have his or her way with you.\nAnother important aspect of dominance and submission is the trust you and your partner must have in one another to make it work. By being the submissive, you have entrusted your partner to take control of the situation. This makes for a win-win situation: you not only get the excitement of not knowing what will come next from your partner, but also the security of knowing your partner will respect your desires and limitations.