Ask the Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,\nI remember hearing somewhere a man's testosterone levels will rise in accordance with his mate's most fertile moments during her cycle. I have also heard of some men experiencing "sympathy" morning sickness during his mate's pregnancy. I was wondering if there has been any research on a similar phenomenon for PMS. It might be mere coincidence, but it seems to me that my mood swings and appetite become erratic along with my girlfriend's when she is having her period. Is this a common occurrence?\nMidol Man\nDear Midol Man,\nAs far, as I know, there has been no official research on "sympathy PMS." I could be wrong about that, but I was unable to find anything.\nHormones work in funny ways. Not only do they seem to rule all of our actions and emotions (especially during puberty), they also tend to mess around with people who spend long periods of time in close contact with each other. You might be familiar, for example, with the idea that groups of women who live together (i.e. in residence halls or sorority houses) often find that their periods eventually synchronize. This is sometimes referred to as the "proximity factor."\nBut my personal interpretation of your situation is that it is more psychological than having anything to do with the fluctuation/synchronization of hormones. Anything that affects your girlfriend's emotional state will likely affect you, too, just by nature of you being close to her. This could include a death in the family, a bad day at work or PMS. The same thing goes for the way your emotional state affects her. And because PMS occurs on a relatively regular basis, it's natural that you would eventually start to attune to the pattern.\nAlso, keep in mind that the whole topic of menstruation has historically been treated as taboo, and men have often been kept in the dark about it. As understanding and sympathetic as you (and millions of other boyfriends and husbands) might be, you don't actually experience menstruation, so the whole thing might be a little mysterious to you. Your girlfriend's physical symptoms, such as cramping, bloating, breakouts and general feelings of I'm-so-fat-ugly-and-gross might keep her from wanting to get intimate with you. All of these things combined can leave you feeling frustrated and useless.\nBecause what you are feeling is most likely the residual effect of what your girlfriend is going through, there is unfortunately little you can do about it. If your girlfriend experiences such debilitating PMS every month that it affects both your lives, urge her to speak to a doctor about new kinds of treatment for severe PMS. She might also want to consider going on birth control pills, which can help alleviate pre-menstrual suffering in some women.\nOtherwise, the best thing you can do is be there for her and be supportive. Let her know that you (literally) feel her pain, and you understand what she is going through. Try not to take each other's mood swings personally. Of course, if you both get so grouchy during that time of the month that you do nothing but scream at each other for days, you're both only contributing to the stress, so it might be best to spend a little time apart.\nTry to get a feel for what your girlfriend needs most, because her erratic mood swings might hinder her from being able to tell you herself. She might vacillate between wanting to cry on your shoulder and wanting to bite your head off, and that would understandably put you in a confused emotional state as well. But I can assure you, no matter what she says to you in her pre-menstrual state, she probably gets at least a glimmer of satisfaction that there's a guy out there who's suffering through it, too.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.