Ask the Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,\nI've met this woman I really like, and I want to ask her out. The only problem is, from what I've heard, I think she's really sexually experienced and knows a lot about sex. That's the part that scares me. If we kept going out and she wanted to have sex with me, I'd be horribly embarrassed. I am pretty good with foreplay, but the actual thing takes me no more than two minutes. She'd think it was awful. Is there a way to increase my sexual endurance, or at least make it last long enough so I'm not the only one who has felt pleasure?\nQuick Countdown\nDear Countdown,\nFirst of all, before you get all bent out of shape about having sex with this woman, I think you first need to focus on getting a date with her. You don't know that you're going to have any kind of sexual encounter with her at all, so what's the point of worrying about it now?\nSecondly, don't go around deciding whether to ask a woman out based on "what you've heard" about her. You have no idea if what you're hearing is the truth or not. If you like her, ask her out, and give yourself the chance to get to know her first-hand.\nTo answer your question, yes, there are ways of coping with premature ejaculation. And you can be pretty much assured that the more you stress out about it, the bigger a problem it will become.\nSome guys have discovered that if they masturbate a certain amount of time before going out on a date, they won't be too excited when it's time to get down and dirty. I can't really give you any specifics as to how effective this method is, and like everything else, it will vary from person to person. But you can try experimenting with this and see if you think it will help.\nYou can also learn how to "ride the crest" of your orgasm. This may take some practice. Next time you masturbate, try to stop stroking for a minute right before you feel you're about to come. You can repeat this as often as you feel is necessary. You basically do the same thing while you're having sex. Right before the crucial moment, stop thrusting (or at least slow down) until you feel the orgasmic urge has passed and it's safe to continue. This is known as the "stop/start" method. But let me warn you: Some men have reported that if they "ride the crest" for too long, their eventual orgasm is much weaker than it would have been if they had come when they first felt it.\nAnother popular method, although not one I necessarily endorse, is trying to distract yourself while you're having sex. A lot of guys claim to be able to last longer if they try to remember all of their grade-school teachers' names, or some other random piece of inane trivia, rather than actually focusing on the task at hand. But I don't recommend this because I feel it's somewhat disrespectful to your partner. Sure, it's nice that you're trying to last longer for her benefit, but she'd probably be more pleased to know you were totally focused on her during the act than to find out you were busy rattling off record-breaking batting averages in your head. Even if it means you don't last quite as long.\nIdeally, you would be able to trust the women you have sex with enough to be able to discuss this kind of problem. Realistically, that's not always the case, but if you don't feel comfortable with a potential sexual partner, you probably won't be able to overcome your own self-consciousness enough to enjoy it, anyway.\nIn any case, you should by all means take advantage of the talents you do have. You say you are pretty good at foreplay. If you can make this girl come five times in a row by other means of stimulation, she probably won't be so concerned with how long the actual intercourse lasts.\nSend questions and comments to the Sexpert at jfinkel@indiana.edu.