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(03/24/10 12:49am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>A couple of days ago, you got back to your campus residence from Florida and dropped your bags to post some awkwardly lewd photos onto a Facebook album with a cute inside-joke title.You closed your eyes, took a deep breath and thought, “Ah, it’s good to be home.” Then vomit curdled in your throat as you took in the smell of your apartment: old sex and winter. Good lord, have you been living in filth this long? It’s time for some spring cleaning, and I have some ideas for you.First, get rid of trophy bottles. For some reason, the fall semester made you a pack rat, and there are dozens of name-brand liquor bottles in the windows or on top of the kitchen cabinets. At first it looked cool, and then everyone began to think you might have a problem. If you have to keep any, leave only the ones mentioned by rappers: Alizé, Cristal, Patrón, Hennessy, etc. Next is the bathroom. There’s a strong chance it hasn’t been cleaned since you moved in. Remember when the sink was white? Now it’s yellow and sprinkled with hair like a dormitory toilet. Most people would use boring old Formula 409 to treat set-in stains, but there is a much more exciting way.What you need is citronella oil and powdered sugar. Stir this together in a jar with a stick and let it sit for a while. Simply pour a thin layer onto your sink and toilet, and then light a match. This little concoction is a form of homemade napalm. If used correctly, it will create a contained fire that will destroy 99.9 percent of the bacteria in your bathroom — and your deposit.Like the bathroom, the kitchen could use some sprucing up. If you have a dishwasher, stop being lazy and start a load. If you don’t have one, get rid of all your dishes. Wal-Mart has good deals on plastic cups and plates.For the love of God, clean out the fridge. The mold on the leftovers from BW3’s has become sentient and it’s getting belligerent off the pruno it made from remnants in the fruit drawer. Mopping the kitchen floor can be a pain. Instead, spray paint it. Use a high gloss hue to create a nice reflective shine. Wow, it looks just like new.The carpet in your living room is getting crunchy. Something has to be done. Regular vacuums are for suckers. Rent a Rug Doctor. They are steam vacuums that are super effective against spilled beer and pizza, though I must warn you, steaming can become very addicting. Not because it makes cleaning fun again but because the fumes it releases are euphoric. Alternatively, those who have wood floors should invest in new area rugs.The last place to clean is your room, but I’m sure you’re a pro at that by now. I don’t really have any recommendations, except to take down any alcohol-related posters you got from Spencer Gifts. It makes you look like a freshman.E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(03/09/10 11:43pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I got a care package from my parents about a month ago. I got a $100 Kroger grocery card — my parents think I’ll waste cash on booze or drugs. More importantly, there was a crisp, new, black North Face jacket. I slowly rubbed it against my face, savoring the recycled fleece on my soft cheeks.There are at least four different zippers on this jacket; I’ve never had so much cargo space. I stood before a mirror and stared lovingly into the “The North Face” symbol on my back.I felt like I could conquer a mountain, but instead I went out to show it off. Then I noticed something: absolutely everyone else on campus has one, too. It was awesome because people started to treat me differently. Other bros nodded at me as they walked by. I got a high five from a stranger and an awkwardly sensual hug from a girl I hadn’t seen in years. Overall, it felt good to be a productive member of society. But eventually the magic wore off. I was tired of the responsibility of acknowledging my peers and hugging people I didn’t know. I also found myself judging the jacketless; I thought they were dirty, uncultured and generally unlikable. I decided to take off my jacket. I felt shivers run down my spine; it was still cold out. I put it back on until I got back to my apartment, but once I was there, I threw it into the fireplace.As an ex-North Facer, I must warn others: The North Face is just as overdone as Ugg boots or Crocs. IU is saturated in overpriced, stupid looking black jackets. In a survey that I just made up, three out of every five students will wear a North Face jacket while they’re at IU. Indeed, this is a frightening statistic, and that’s why I am here to raise awareness.The most disturbing North Face coat is probably the most popular one for girls. You know what I’m talking about. It’s a long goose down feather coat that stops just below the knee. It’s marketed as the Metropolis Parka; I like to call it the Body Bag. What’s unique about this coat is it must be sold in quantities of four or more because I’ve never seen one in isolation.Like in some post-apocalyptic nightmare, Body Bags travel in packs. They’ve been known to ravage Noodles and various downtown coffee shops. After a successful feasting, all that’s left are a few white goose feathers. This is widely considered how they mark territory. What can you do to help? Remind North Facers that they look like tools. Eventually they will take off their jackets and realize their mistakes. Insults are the premier way to discourage the use of trendy clothing but some will need more help.If you find a rather stubborn case, I fear institutionalization might be the only option. Being a douche might not be part of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but by 2013, it should be added to it.E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(03/03/10 1:35am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I hope you finished your FAFSA and scholarship applications — they were due on Monday.If you forgot, I laugh at your expense.Good luck selling enough plasma to cover next semester. What is the worst part about filling out a scholarship application? The essay.They ask you questions that are either stupid or too philosophical for a 19 year-old to answer truthfully.I think the essay was created to limit the number of applicants. I know I’ve discarded scholarships because of idiotic prompts. Here’s a dumb question: “How do you expect your college education will benefit your community?”Depending on how much loan debt I take on, my community might see a lot of me because I won’t be legally allowed to flee the state.The most money this community will see from me is some random night when I accidentally step into a restaurant that’s using its proceeds to benefit a charity.This donation is also conditional on my ability to find a job after I graduate. I hate having to answer a yes-or-no question in 400 words. Normally the first few sentences are coherent, and then after that I’ll describe how awesome I am.That’s normally good for at least 250 words.Once I was asked what my purpose was in 500 words or less. What? What the hell does that even mean? I think people with beards are the only ones who could answer something like that. Also, I couldn’t tell if that was a generous amount of space to write a response or not because I threw away the application. I guess I wasn’t qualified for that scholarship. Another worthless question: “What do you consider to be the single most important societal problem and why?”As a fake conservative, I’d say Barack Obama because he relies on teleprompters too much.As a financially struggling college student, I’d say this question because this isn’t a beauty pageant.If I could find the person who wrote that question, I’d headbutt them in the face and take their job. They don’t deserve it. I dread this question: “Choose a book or books that have affected you deeply and explain why.”My first problem is that I’m not sure I even read on a college level. I sure don’t write on it.Secondly, I haven’t read a book cover-to-cover since high school. I chose my major because I thought it would limit the amount of reading I have to do. I like this one: “Do you drink soda or pop or Coke? Why?”Pop because of my geographical region. Now please, give me your money. I guess I don’t have it too bad.My family is practically destitute, and my GPA is stupidly high.I’m drenched in scholarship money; I take baths with dead presidents. I have a robe made out of euros that I haven’t even worn yet.But this is just between you and me, ya hear? E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(02/24/10 1:18am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Spring is coming, and this means a few things: namely, it’s going to get warmer, it’s going to rain and the bugs will be back soon. This also means the annoying songbirds will be back to wake you up in the morning when you’re hung over. Soon, women will start shaving their legs, and men will start trimming their toenails. It will be shorts and sandals season in a month.The worst thing that will come out of the month of March is Daylight Saving Time. It’s this BS idea made up by some dude in the 1700s. I think his name was Benjamin Frankfurt or something. Anyway, did you know Indiana didn’t even recognize DST until 2006? Did you also know Bloomington used to be on Central Standard Time? Let me explain why this is important.Before 2006, Indiana had only two things going for it: it didn’t observe Daylight Saving Time, and it was split between the Central and Eastern Time Zones. The logic was that half of the state did its business with Chicago and the other half of the state worked with Ohio. Driving to Indianapolis from Bloomington was like time traveling.Without DST, you only had to set the time on a clock once. Then you never had to touch it again until it broke. Without DST, your favorite shows came on an hour earlier starting in March. Most importantly, when you woke up the sun was already out. Overall, without Daylight Savings we were much more efficient. But Mitch Daniels, secret Democrat and governor of Indiana, decided he would like to ruin your mornings. Coincidentally, a few things happened after we made the switch to Eastern Daylight Time. First, in 2006, Baron Hill, current 9th district congressman of Indiana, won against then-Rep. Mike Sodrel, R-Ind. Then in 2008, Barack Obama, a birth-certificateless Democrat, won Indiana. This was the first time since 1964 that a Democrat won Indiana in the general election. Indiana used to be a conservative stronghold. I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’.Now it’s 2010, and the controversy is not over. I’ve come up with an ingenious protest. If you have an 8 a.m. class and hate getting up before the sun, join me. Show some solidarity; don’t set your clocks forward. If you have to miss your class, so be it. This isn’t just for students, this is for everyone. Just because you’re a professor doesn’t mean you like waking up in darkness either. Tell the administration you’re not observing Daylight Saving Time. We’ve been saving up time for a while now, let’s start spending it.But will this really work? I don’t know. The odds are against us. There has never been a state that has given up on DST after adopting it.E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(02/22/10 11:34pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Did you know that in America we speak English?You probably wouldn’t have guessed. I know I was confused because the last time I picked up a package of beef franks at Kroger it said, “perritos calientes,” or something. I don’t know; I don’t speak French.You’re as outraged as I am when you see misleading meat products. You say, “Why isn’t English our official language?” Some say it’s because having no official language promotes diversity. I think that’s stupid.Before you go burning me in effigy, you should know I’m not the only one who supports this. Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, introduced the English Language Unity Act (ELUA) in 2009.It declares English the official language and requires everyone who wants to become a naturalized citizen to know English. Do you know how easy this will make ordering food? I love this bill so much I could marry it, but I also support the Defense of Marriage Act. Unfortunately, ELUA will probably not get passed because it shares the same fate of the anti-flag burning amendment. Everyone knows it’s an awesome idea, but Congress is too embarrassed to legislate anything that’s common sense.English is practically the language of the world. It’s a combination of the world’s best old languages — a compilation album, if you will. It would be so easy to amend the constitution to declare English as the official language. Let’s just stick a post-it on the bottom: “In America, we speak English.”E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(02/17/10 2:27am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I left my church recently against my pastor’s advice. Why? Because I sat down and tried to list what the Big Guy had done for me recently, and I couldn’t think of much. Alternatively, Google has solved just about all of my mortal problems.As Google gets more advanced, I grow lazier. All I have to do is type out the first few words, and it will know what I am searching for. Some people say this should be considered creepy — a corporation that has mined so much data from its users that it can accurately predict anything they could ever want to search. Sure, if you say it like that, but I say there’s room for improvement. Someday, Google should know what you want to search before you even know you want to search.Google haters don’t understand how hard life would be without it. There was a time when you had to use a library. I am grateful for Google because it made my old job as a library clerk that much easier. I barely had to touch books back then. The only people who actually used the books were graduate students because they grew up in the days before Google, otherwise known as the Dark Ages. Google has helped me beyond the abstract Internet; it has also indirectly employed me. Last winter I worked at the Wells Library re-shelving massive quantities of books. Technically I was working for the University, but it was the Google Books Project that created the need for a book troll.I had a computer repair company for a few weeks when I was in high school, and I did it without any fancy certificates. All I needed was a search bar to connect me to dozens of do-it-yourself computer forums. People think I am great with computers, but really I just know how to use Google effectively. Any computer-related problem can be fixed with a simple Google search. Without Google, I would have had no idea my high-fiber diet was to blame for making me fart so much. I thought I had some sort of farting disease, but Google calmed my worries.If I didn’t have Google, I wouldn’t know how to spell. Sometimes Microsoft Word has no idea what I’m trying to say, but Google knows what I mean every time. Not only does it tell me how the word is spelled, but Google can also give me the etymology behind it.Google Maps is the most reliable tool both for figuring out how to get from point A to point B and for stalking. I would be lost in this world without Google because I have no sense of direction. I’ve lived in Bloomington my entire life, but do not ask me where 9th and Washington is because I could potentially lead you to the west side.I’m trying to think of something that Google hasn’t done for me. I guess it hasn’t gotten me laid ... yet. E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(02/10/10 12:04am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I never turn off any of the electronics in my apartment. Why? First, I hate the environment. Second, I get paid too much money in scholarships. And lastly, if I do, the terrorists win. So my TV is always on Fox News.I, and many others, consider ourselves “Real Americans,” that is, Americans who aren’t coastal elitist closet communists.I’m glad people are starting to recognize the Midwest as the dominant asshole it could be. Social trends might stem from the coasts, but we’re the ones who buy it.I say we reverse this situation. I’m sure we have just as much culture as Californians and New Yorkers. If you think about it, this role reversal has already started. I suspect one in eight of you is wearing flannel and jeans right now. There are two kinds of people who wear this combination, us Real Americans ... and posers. God, I hate posers.What has caused the push for Americans to keep it real? I think it’s how douchey the coastal people are.Years ago, most Midwesterners sent their kids to the coasts for college. These innocent youths would leave for a few years to “educate” themselves. But really, they’d come back short-tempered and ill-mannered elitists because the coasts are factories. Good-natured patriots are the inputs, Democrats are the outputs.Have you ever met a mean Midwesterner? No, you haven’t, because we are all decent human beings.This dynamic has changed. People from the coasts realized what horrible people they were. Now I’ve got to say I’m proud that the coastal kids are coming here to learn some manners, but I get discouraged when they do not assimilate into our culture. They are not speeding up the process when they drive cars that cost more than my in-state tuition. In Real America, we can’t afford anything other than the most worn-out American-made pickup trucks and SUVs that get less than 15 miles per gallon. They also are not helping when they bring their gun-control laws with them. A few years ago, an IU law student got in trouble when he shot his textbook with an assault rifle. What’s more American than firing a few rounds to express one’s wrath?I’ve also found that the posers segregate themselves. They live in lavish apartments away from us simple folk who hole up in quaint shacks. And contrary to popular belief, our shacks do have Internet and indoor plumbing.I’ve heard some of the rumors that fake Americans perpetrate through the Internets. They say we are all huge John Mellencamp fans who chew tobacco and dream about corn. This can’t be true for all of us. Personally, Mellencamp’s forehead scares me.Here are some things that Real Americans do: We buy American, we speak American and we treat other Real Americans with respect.E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(02/02/10 11:50pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I don’t think I’ve ever said this before, and I hope I never have to again. I am envious of fascist Italy because at least Mussolini could make his country’s buses run on time.I cannot clearly express my rage through this ink and paper before you, but I’m sure you’ve felt it at one point.You just got done staring at books for an extensive amount of time in the library. You have 40 minutes to get to class, which is on the other side of campus. If you walked, you’d get there on time, no problem. But there are obstacles you encounter. You open the door and realize that it’s so cold you might as well be in Soviet Russia. As you fall down the stairs, you find that loafers were a bad idea because the sidewalks are covered in an uneven, slightly visible layer of ice. So you decide the bus is the right way to go; you are wrong.If you look at the bus schedule from the campus bus Web site, it claims to have a bus running every five to 10 minutes. This is a lie.After skating on the ice to get to the bus stop, you wait. Then you wait a little longer, and as time goes on a crowd of your peers develops behind you. Gazing past the horde, you spot what could be a bus and smile. Someone else smiles back; you look away awkwardly.Sadly, it’s an E bus, which is actually a siren that lures unsuspecting students to their doom.Seven minutes later an A bus is coming your way. You’ve spotted it early and slowly make your way to where it should stop. But it brakes about 10 feet to your right, and the mob behind you reacts fast. Before you know it, the bus is full, and your wait continues. You begin to cry as you so often do in this situation, and tears freeze to your cheeks.It’s been 16 minutes since you saw a viable bus. You have about 12 minutes to get to class, and you contemplate walking again, but that window of opportunity has long since passed. You acclimate yourself into the group of people who were also left behind by the full bus. Together, you crowd for warmth; you will all surely die from hypothermia.Someone looks up in excitement and everyone turns. It’s a B bus! You hug and kiss a stranger; you immediately regret it.The marquee says “Full Load.”Fortunately, right behind it is another B bus. You get on and find a seat. You might make it to class after all.Then you start to think: why were two B buses together like that? Did one get scared and wait for the other to hold its hand through the route? Is the campus bus system modeled after Bloomington Transit, which is equally as bad? Or have you wronged the bus drivers of Bloomington in some way and received this as your punishment?But you forget about those questions and focus on the backpack that’s touching your face.E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu
(01/27/10 12:39am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Have you ever stared longingly into a beard? I’ll answer that question for you: yes, you have. Beards are the physical representation of wisdom, creativity and freedom. If you do not have one now, you probably feel young, restless or downright ill. You don’t need a special month to express yourself; start growing one today. Don’t have friends? Grow a well-manicured beard. Have you ever noticed that people with beards treat each other differently? It’s because bearded men are in the minority in the United States. The bearded must work together to keep their culture alive. Unfortunately, somewhere between 1908 and 1917 two things happened: the decline of beards in American society and the first Red Scare. I do not think this is a coincidence; I believe communism is the cause of this nation’s beard aversion.My colleague recently cut off his magnificent man-stache. This makes me question not only our friendship, but also his core values. Shaving his mustache means he doesn’t love freedom and could also mean he is a socialist. It’s an unwritten law that you gain your father’s power if you grow a beard that is greater than his. Dads that aren’t bearded have obviously failed in life, and you shouldn’t respect them. In fact, call him right now and insult him. I’ll wait.Felt good, didn’t it?A few important people who had beards or mustaches include Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, Muhammad, Billy Mays and Martin Luther King, Jr. All of these men have probably touched your life in some way, and it was through their facial hair or something they said. You probably wouldn’t have cared to even remember their names if they didn’t have whiskers entwined with wisdom.Many people give me excuses to shave, but few are actually valid.If you have a job that requires you to be clean-shaven, find a new one. In a recent study by the American Mustache Institute, men with mustaches are 4.3 percent more likely to be hired than their inferior, clean-shaven counterparts. There are plenty of jobs that have beards as a prerequisite. Apply to be a lumberjack or write a novel about your beard. Either way you will be mustache rich, which is slightly higher than Oprah rich.If your girlfriend says she doesn’t like mustaches, leave her. She’s not worth your time. She’s probably a gold digger and only loves you for your beard money.If you are a girl, please do not grow a beard. They are coarse to the touch, frequently itchy and generally look odd on women. If you must grow it out, no goatees or chinstraps because they look stupid. Not being ready is the only proper excuse for a man to not grow a beard. This is why I do not have beard. My face was so baby soft in 2008 that I had no choice but to vote for Obama. But one day I too will have a fierce mustache to call my own. Until then, I will cry myself to sleep and live vicariously through those who can.
(01/20/10 4:33am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Last night I had a horrible dream. Woodburn Hall burst into flames from faulty solar panels. I saw a wind farm near Tulip Tree commit genocide on a flock of majestic bald eagles. Then a volcano erupted from the ground, consuming the library. And worst of all, tuition was outrageous.I woke up, trying to catch my breath, soaked in sweat. I took a walk outside to cool my jets and I came across a light pole with a “Coal Free IU” sticker on it.The Sierra Club has been campaigning for a Coal Free IU this year. Its agenda is to reduce carbon emissions and clean our air. I fear the club targeted Bloomington because we are a hot spot for flannel and bicycles.The club thinks we could set an example for the rest of the state; we are supposedly to Indiana what California is to the country as a whole.But really no one listens to us, because the rest of the state knows that we are just a bunch of filthy college kids who take up political causes to get laid. I firmly believe the only reason the Coal Free IU campaign has gained any steam at all was because of free stickers and pizza.To watch an IU student squirm, don’t ask them why they are supporting a Coal Free IU.The real question to ask is how they can make it happen.On the Sierra Club Web site it suggests we replace our coal plant with solar panels, wind farms and geothermal power. I’m going to knock down all of these as fast as I can.Solar panels will only work consistently during the summer. I’ve been living in Bloomington all my life and the cloudy days far outnumber the sunny. During the first week and a half of winter break I forgot what the sun looked like.Where would we even put a wind farm in Bloomington? They can be obnoxiously loud, so it’s not going to be anywhere near campus or downtown. Most of our fields are filled with corn and we are not about to tear down a few trees near Lake Monroe. Besides upsetting the precious deer ecosystem, it would lower property values for John “Cougar” Mellencamp.And I don’t even have a joke for the person who says IU has enough money to modify every building on campus to run on geothermal power.The geothermal project at Ball State University cost an estimated $70 million. IU has already faced several budget cuts from the state, the most recent costing the University almost $60 million.Money is at the root of our dilemma. Everyone must know that to accomplish a Coal Free IU, we would have to pay for it through higher taxes or tuition. It’s not like money grows on trees because if it did, we’d all be environmentalists.This brings me back to my original point: No one really cares about the Sierra Club. In reality its members are only building resumes or trying hard to feel good about themselves, as if they made a difference in college.E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu