Praise be to Google

I left my church recently against my pastor’s advice. Why? Because I sat down and tried to list what the Big Guy had done for me recently, and I couldn’t think of much. Alternatively, Google has solved just about all of my mortal problems.

As Google gets more advanced, I grow lazier. All I have to do is type out the first few words, and it will know what I am searching for. Some people say this should be considered creepy — a corporation that has mined so much data from its users that it can accurately predict anything they could ever want to search. Sure, if you say it like that, but I say there’s room for improvement. Someday, Google should know what you want to search before you even know you want to search.

Google haters don’t understand how hard life would be without it. There was a time when you had to use a library. I am grateful for Google because it made my old job as a library clerk that much easier. I barely had to touch books back then. The only people who actually used the books were graduate students because they grew up in the days before Google, otherwise known as the Dark Ages.

Google has helped me beyond the abstract Internet; it has also indirectly employed me. Last winter I worked at the Wells Library re-shelving massive quantities of books. Technically I was working for the University, but it was the Google Books Project that created the need for a book troll.

I had a computer repair company for a few weeks when I was in high school, and I did it without any fancy certificates. All I needed was a search bar to connect me to dozens of do-it-yourself computer forums. People think I am great with computers, but really I just know how to use Google effectively. Any computer-related problem can be fixed with a simple Google search.

Without Google, I would have had no idea my high-fiber diet was to blame for making me fart so much. I thought I had some sort of farting disease, but Google calmed my worries.

If I didn’t have Google, I wouldn’t know how to spell. Sometimes Microsoft Word has no idea what I’m trying to say, but Google knows what I mean every time. Not only does it tell me how the word is spelled, but Google can also give me the etymology behind it.

Google Maps is the most reliable tool both for figuring out how to get from point A to point B and for stalking. I would be lost in this world without Google because I have no sense of direction. I’ve lived in Bloomington my entire life, but do not ask me where 9th and Washington is because I could potentially lead you to the west side.

I’m trying to think of something that Google hasn’t done for me. I guess it hasn’t gotten me laid ... yet.
 

E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu