We’re Real Americans

I never turn off any of the electronics in my apartment. Why? First, I hate the environment. Second, I get paid too much money in scholarships. And lastly, if I do, the terrorists win. So my TV is always on Fox News.

I, and many others, consider ourselves “Real Americans,” that is, Americans who aren’t coastal elitist closet communists.

I’m glad people are starting to recognize the Midwest as the dominant asshole it could be. Social trends might stem from the coasts, but we’re the ones who buy it.

I say we reverse this situation. I’m sure we have just as much culture as Californians and New Yorkers. If you think about it, this role reversal has already started. I suspect one in eight of you is wearing flannel and jeans right now. There are two kinds of people who wear this combination, us Real Americans ... and posers.

God, I hate posers.

What has caused the push for Americans to keep it real? I think it’s how douchey the coastal people are.

Years ago, most Midwesterners sent their kids to the coasts for college. These innocent youths would leave for a few years to “educate” themselves. But really, they’d come back short-tempered and ill-mannered elitists because the coasts are factories. Good-natured patriots are the inputs, Democrats are the outputs.

Have you ever met a mean Midwesterner? No, you haven’t, because we are all decent human beings.

This dynamic has changed. People from the coasts realized what horrible people they were. Now I’ve got to say I’m proud that the coastal kids are coming here to learn some manners, but I get discouraged when they do not assimilate into our culture.

They are not speeding up the process when they drive cars that cost more than my in-state tuition. In Real America, we can’t afford anything other than the most worn-out American-made pickup trucks and SUVs that get less than 15 miles per gallon.

They also are not helping when they bring their gun-control laws with them. A few years ago, an IU law student got in trouble when he shot his textbook with an assault rifle. What’s more American than firing a few rounds to express one’s wrath?

I’ve also found that the posers segregate themselves. They live in lavish apartments away from us simple folk who hole up in quaint shacks. And contrary to popular belief, our shacks do have Internet and indoor plumbing.

I’ve heard some of the rumors that fake Americans perpetrate through the Internets. They say we are all huge John Mellencamp fans who chew tobacco and dream about corn. This can’t be true for all of us. Personally, Mellencamp’s forehead scares me.

Here are some things that Real Americans do: We buy American, we speak American and we treat other Real Americans with respect.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu