North Face conspiracy

I got a care package from my parents about a month ago. I got a $100 Kroger grocery card — my parents think I’ll waste cash on booze or drugs. More importantly, there was a crisp, new, black North Face jacket. I slowly rubbed it against my face, savoring the recycled fleece on my soft cheeks.There are at least four different zippers on this jacket; I’ve never had so much cargo space. I stood before a mirror and stared lovingly into the “The North Face” symbol on my back.

I felt like I could conquer a mountain, but instead I went out to show it off. Then I noticed something: absolutely everyone else on campus has one, too. It was awesome because people started to treat me differently. Other bros nodded at me as they walked by. I got a high five from a stranger and an awkwardly sensual hug from a girl I hadn’t seen in years. Overall, it felt good to be a productive member of society.

But eventually the magic wore off. I was tired of the responsibility of acknowledging my peers and hugging people I didn’t know. I also found myself judging the jacketless; I thought they were dirty, uncultured and generally unlikable.

I decided to take off my jacket. I felt shivers run down my spine; it was still cold out. I put it back on until I got back to my apartment, but once I was there, I threw it into the fireplace.

As an ex-North Facer, I must warn others: The North Face is just as overdone as Ugg boots or Crocs. IU is saturated in overpriced, stupid looking black jackets. In a survey that I just made up, three out of every five students will wear a North Face jacket while they’re at IU. Indeed, this is a frightening statistic, and that’s why I am here to raise awareness.

The most disturbing North Face coat is probably the most popular one for girls. You know what I’m talking about. It’s a long goose down feather coat that stops just below the knee. It’s marketed as the Metropolis Parka; I like to call it the Body Bag. What’s unique about this coat is it must be sold in quantities of four or more because I’ve never seen one in isolation.

Like in some post-apocalyptic nightmare, Body Bags travel in packs. They’ve been known to ravage Noodles and various downtown coffee shops. After a successful feasting, all that’s left are a few white goose feathers. This is widely considered how they mark territory.

What can you do to help? Remind North Facers that they look like tools. Eventually they will take off their jackets and realize their mistakes. Insults are the premier way to discourage the use of trendy clothing but some will need more help.

If you find a rather stubborn case, I fear institutionalization might be the only option. Being a douche might not be part of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, but by 2013, it should be added to it.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu