Beardless socialists are ruining USA

Have you ever stared longingly into a beard? I’ll answer that question for you: yes, you have.

Beards are the physical representation of wisdom, creativity and freedom. If you do not have one now, you probably feel young, restless or downright ill. You don’t need a special month to express yourself; start growing one today.

Don’t have friends? Grow a well-manicured beard. Have you ever noticed that people with beards treat each other differently? It’s because bearded men are in the minority in the United States. The bearded must work together to keep their culture alive. Unfortunately, somewhere between 1908 and 1917 two things happened: the decline of beards in American society and the first Red Scare. I do not think this is a coincidence; I believe communism is the cause of this nation’s beard aversion.

My colleague recently cut off his magnificent man-stache. This makes me question not only our friendship, but also his core values. Shaving his mustache means he doesn’t love freedom and could also mean he is a socialist.

It’s an unwritten law that you gain your father’s power if you grow a beard that is greater than his. Dads that aren’t bearded have obviously failed in life, and you shouldn’t respect them. In fact, call him right now and insult him. I’ll wait.

Felt good, didn’t it?

A few important people who had beards or mustaches include Abraham Lincoln, Jesus, Muhammad, Billy Mays and Martin Luther King, Jr. All of these men have probably touched your life in some way, and it was through their facial hair or something they said. You probably wouldn’t have cared to even remember their names if they didn’t have whiskers entwined with wisdom.

Many people give me excuses to shave, but few are actually valid.

If you have a job that requires you to be clean-shaven, find a new one. In a recent study by the American Mustache Institute, men with mustaches are 4.3 percent more likely to be hired than their inferior, clean-shaven counterparts. There are plenty of jobs that have beards as a prerequisite. Apply to be a lumberjack or write a novel about your beard. Either way you will be mustache rich, which is slightly higher than Oprah rich.

If your girlfriend says she doesn’t like mustaches, leave her. She’s not worth your time. She’s probably a gold digger and only loves you for your beard money.

If you are a girl, please do not grow a beard. They are coarse to the touch, frequently itchy and generally look odd on women. If you must grow it out, no goatees or chinstraps because they look stupid.

Not being ready is the only proper excuse for a man to not grow a beard. This is why I do not have beard. My face was so baby soft in 2008 that I had no choice but to vote for Obama. But one day I too will have a fierce mustache to call my own. Until then, I will cry myself to sleep and live vicariously through those who can.