28th Amendment: Officially awesome

Did you know that in America we speak English?

You probably wouldn’t have guessed. I know I was confused because the last time I picked up a package of beef franks at Kroger it said, “perritos calientes,” or something. I don’t know; I don’t speak French.

You’re as outraged as I am when you see misleading meat products. You say, “Why isn’t English our official language?” Some say it’s because having no official language promotes diversity. I think that’s stupid.

Before you go burning me in effigy, you should know I’m not the only one who supports this. Rep. Steve King, R-Iowa, introduced the English Language Unity Act (ELUA) in 2009.

It declares English the official language and requires everyone who wants to become a naturalized citizen to know English. Do you know how easy this will make ordering food? I love this bill so much I could marry it, but I also support the Defense of Marriage Act. Unfortunately, ELUA will probably not get passed because it shares the same fate of the anti-flag burning amendment. Everyone knows it’s an awesome idea, but Congress is too embarrassed to legislate anything that’s common sense.

English is practically the language of the world. It’s a combination of the world’s best old languages — a compilation album, if you will. It would be so easy to amend the constitution to declare English as the official language. Let’s just stick a post-it on the bottom: “In America, we speak English.”


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu