Napalm and spring cleaning

A couple of days ago, you got back to your campus residence from Florida and dropped your bags to post some awkwardly lewd photos onto a Facebook album with a cute inside-joke title.

You closed your eyes, took a deep breath and thought, “Ah, it’s good to be home.” Then vomit curdled in your throat as you took in the smell of your apartment: old sex and winter. Good lord, have you been living in filth this long? It’s time for some spring cleaning, and I have some ideas for you.

First, get rid of trophy bottles. For some reason, the fall semester made you a pack rat, and there are dozens of name-brand liquor bottles in the windows or on top of the kitchen cabinets. At first it looked cool, and then everyone began to think you might have a problem. If you have to keep any, leave only the ones mentioned by rappers: Alizé, Cristal, Patrón, Hennessy, etc.

Next is the bathroom. There’s a strong chance it hasn’t been cleaned since you moved in. Remember when the sink was white? Now it’s yellow and sprinkled with hair like a dormitory toilet. Most people would use boring old Formula 409 to treat set-in stains, but there is a much more exciting way.

What you need is citronella oil and powdered sugar. Stir this together in a jar with a stick and let it sit for a while. Simply pour a thin layer onto your sink and toilet, and then light a match. This little concoction is a form of homemade napalm. If used correctly, it will create a contained fire that will destroy 99.9 percent of the bacteria in your bathroom — and your deposit.

Like the bathroom, the kitchen could use some sprucing up. If you have a dishwasher, stop being lazy and start a load. If you don’t have one, get rid of all your dishes. Wal-Mart has good deals on plastic cups and plates.

For the love of God, clean out the fridge. The mold on the leftovers from BW3’s has become sentient and it’s getting belligerent off the pruno it made from remnants in the fruit drawer. Mopping the kitchen floor can be a pain. Instead, spray paint it. Use a high gloss hue to create a nice reflective shine. Wow, it looks just like new.

The carpet in your living room is getting crunchy. Something has to be done. Regular vacuums are for suckers. Rent a Rug Doctor. They are steam vacuums that are super effective against spilled beer and pizza, though I must warn you, steaming can become very addicting. Not because it makes cleaning fun again but because the fumes it releases are euphoric. Alternatively, those who have wood floors should invest in new area rugs.

The last place to clean is your room, but I’m sure you’re a pro at that by now. I don’t really have any recommendations, except to take down any alcohol-related posters you got from Spencer Gifts. It makes you look like a freshman.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu