Idiotic inquiries

I hope you finished your FAFSA and scholarship applications — they were due on Monday.

If you forgot, I laugh at your expense.Good luck selling enough plasma to cover next semester.

What is the worst part about filling out a scholarship application? The essay.

They ask you questions that are either stupid or too philosophical for a 19 year-old to answer truthfully.

I think the essay was created to limit the number of applicants. I know I’ve discarded scholarships because of idiotic prompts.

Here’s a dumb question: “How do you expect your college education will benefit your community?”

Depending on how much loan debt I take on, my community might see a lot of me because I won’t be legally allowed to flee the state.

The most money this community will see from me is some random night when I accidentally step into a restaurant that’s using its proceeds to benefit a charity.

This donation is also conditional on my ability to find a job after I graduate.

I hate having to answer a yes-or-no question in 400 words. Normally the first few sentences are coherent, and then after that I’ll describe how awesome I am.

That’s normally good for at least 250 words.

Once I was asked what my purpose was in 500 words or less.

What? What the hell does that even mean? I think people with beards are the only ones who could answer something like that. Also, I couldn’t tell if that was a generous amount of space to write a response or not because I threw away the application. I guess I wasn’t qualified for that scholarship.

Another worthless question: “What do you consider to be the single most important societal problem and why?”

As a fake conservative, I’d say Barack Obama because he relies on teleprompters too much.

As a financially struggling college student, I’d say this question because this isn’t a beauty pageant.

If I could find the person who wrote that question, I’d headbutt them in the face and take their job. They don’t deserve it.

I dread this question: “Choose a book or books that have affected you deeply and explain why.”

My first problem is that I’m not sure I even read on a college level. I sure don’t write on it.

Secondly, I haven’t read a book cover-to-cover since high school. I chose my major because I thought it would limit the amount of reading I have to do.

I like this one: “Do you drink soda or pop or Coke? Why?”

Pop because of my geographical region. Now please, give me your money.

I guess I don’t have it too bad.My family is practically destitute, and my GPA is stupidly high.

I’m drenched in scholarship money; I take baths with dead presidents. I have a robe made out of euros that I haven’t even worn yet.

But this is just between you and me, ya hear?  
 

E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu