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(03/27/08 4:53am)
Praise the Lord. Praise Jesus. Praise Allah. And praise L. Ron Hubbard. Praise the Torah. Praise the Bible. Praise the Quran. And praise Dianetics. \nMy prayers have been answered!\nOn Sunday, Pacers CEO Donnie Walsh gave Pacers owner Herb Simon an ultimatum: Keep him or keep Larry Bird. And Walsh said he wanted to stay.\nHip Hip HOORAY!\nThat’s a no brainer. Pick the man with an IQ of 120 or the man who can’t spell IQ. Pick the man who drafted Reggie Miller or pick the man who drafted Stanko Barac. Pick your man or pick your nose. \nThe decision is so easy an elementary education major could make it. There is no way this can be messed up.\nBut Monday, Donnie pulled my heart out, chopped it up into little pieces and served it to the New York public. He squashed my dreams and proved that Hubbard had not answered my prayers, effectively ruining my faith in Scientology. Monday, reports came that Walsh will take over the operations of the New York Knicks, leaving the fate of the Pacers in the hands of Bird. \nMy response: Noooooooo!\nFor 24 hours I had hoped that my prayers had been answered. I had hoped that my Thetan level of OT9 would be enough for the reincarnation of Hubbard to answer my simple wish – for Bird to be fired. \nBut now I sit here again, distraught from the past events looking into the bleak future. I want to believe the best is yet to come and that Bird just needs time, but my gut is telling me to go Bird hunting before he craps on all of us.\nSo without further ado, here is my bi-annual “Fire Bird” speech:\nMy fellow Pacers fans:\nAs we fight for the eighth playoff spot in the awful Eastern Conference, I warn you to look past this season and into the future. A major issue is at hand that needs to be addressed before more problems can be made.\nBird needs to go.\nI know he is a living legend in Indiana. I know he’s the hometown hero. I know he was a great basketball player.\nI know he was handed an awful situation because of The Brawl. I know he only made awful decisions because we, as fans, displayed so much frustration at the off-court problems that the players have caused. I know, deep down, he means the best.\nBut we need to put all that aside and see the real problems and mistakes Bird has made in such a short period.\nWe need to recognize that he traded up in the draft for James White just to cut him before the season started. \nWe need to recognize that he traded a draft pick for Al Harrington to just re-trade him again only 39 games into the season.\nWe need to recognize that he has signed/traded for players with such ludicrous contracts that the team won’t provide real cap space until 2010.\nWe need to realize that he’s wasted our last two draft picks on prospects in Europe who can’t even come to the States for two to three more years.\nAnd most importantly, we need to realize that Bird is the root of all our problems. \nThis man has single-handedly torn apart our team piece by piece. And now that Walsh is gone, he will be pulling all the strings.\nSimon recently said the team needs to be completely shaken up. He wants to change all pieces except the owners.\nI urge Simon to start at the top. \nRemove Bird and then work down. Completely retool the franchise from top to bottom and restore all of our faith in Pacers basketball.\nBesides the removal of Bird, I only make one small request: Please don’t fire the medical staff because I really enjoy my dad’s free seats.
(03/18/08 3:26am)
Still drunk from spring break?\nDid you barely make it to class yesterday morning?\nLike a majority of you, my mind is still not functioning properly.\nBut everyone needs to shake their spring break hangover, because it’s time to get on the ride of your life. The next month is the best in sports every year. And this year is no different.\nIt’s going to be a great ride. \nLet me break down what’s going on during this spectacular season:\nTonight, the Houston Rockets and the Boston Celtics face off. The best in the East takes on the best in the West. But what makes this special is the fact that the Rockets are looking for their 23rd-straight win.\nWith their win over the Los Angeles Lakers Sunday, the Rockets continued their improbable streak, which is now the second-longest in NBA history – behind only the 33 straight accomplished by the 1971-1972 Lakers. \nThe streak has continued despite Yao Ming choosing season-ending surgery 10 games ago. At the same time, Rick Adelman is a frontrunner for Coach of the Year.\nThe streak has been something we haven’t seen in ages but one question still remains – can Tracy McGrady win a playoff series?\nOn the other hand, there’s this guy named Tiger Woods who is one of the best in the clutch. Thursday, Tiger looks to continue his undefeated season when he defends his title at Doral. \nAfter watching him win with a 25-foot putt on the 18th at Bay Hill, I have no doubt he will make a nice run at this tournament, which leads up to the Masters.\nThe Masters should be the first major Woods will dominate this year, and hopefully he will win all four. He will likely be riding his winning streak into Augusta and it should be something special to watch.\nAs for the 95 percent of the world that doesn’t like watching golf, Thursday through Saturday is college basketball galore. The first two rounds of the NCAA Tournament should be one to watch this year since the bracket-makers seemed to aimlessly throw darts as a way of choosing the seedings. The bracket this year is so screwed up that my strategic way of making my picks by choosing the team with the lowest graduation rate might actually work. \nSorry, Cornell, Stanford and Duke. You’re just too smart for your own good. \nIf you don’t get your basketball fix by Sunday, then watch the Washington Capitals head to Carolina a week from today. Alexander Ovechkin is leading the NHL with 57 goals and can be the first player since Mario Lemieux to score 60 goals in a single season. At the pace Ovechkin is going, he should score goals 60, 61 and 62 in next week. \nSo hop on the Magic Bus or the Pain Train or whatever vehicle you want to ride during this magical month ahead. Just be sure to keep your hands and feet inside at all times.
(03/05/08 4:25pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I’ve seen this clip before, back in 2004. A basketball team gets in a big fight against a team from Michigan and all hell breaks loose.But in the new film spoofing the American Basketball Association, “Semi-Pro,” when Jackie Moon’s (Will Ferrell) team, the Flint Michigan Tropics, gets in a brawl during a commercial time-out, the crowd dies with laughter. Moon, the team’s owner, promoter, player and coach, has to get the worst team in the ABA out of the cellar when he finds out only the top four teams in the league will merge with the NBA. With the help of experienced player Ed Monix (Woody Harrelson) and superstar Clarence “Coffee” Black (André Benjamin), the team rallies in hopes of the NBA dream.“Semi-Pro” does not represent Ferrell’s best work, but it's still funny throughout the entire movie. Moon’s promotions – including a cage-match fight with Dewey the bear, a three-quarters-of-a-court shot for a big check that says $10,000 and a roller-skate jump over the Tropics dancers – provide some mild entertainment between games. However, it is Ferrell’s usual shtick that keeps the movie going. He trades Monix for a washing machine and steals the lyrics of his hit song “Love Me Sexy” from his mother days before she dies. And, like in every movie he’s in, Ferrell struts his stuff in the short shorts way more than most of the audience needs to see. Another nice touch was Father Pat the ref (Matt Walsh), but he saw limited minutes on the screen and should have been used more. Also, much of the riffs on commentating by Lou Redwood (Will Arnett) and Dick Pepperfield (Andrew Daly) felt forced, trying way too hard to be funny and rarely getting the laughs desired when Ferrell was absent. There was also a strange side story with Harrelson and Lynn (Maura Tierney), who had an intimate past and were reunited in Flint despite living with another guy. It was unclear if that guy was her brother or husband or boyfriend, but the whole story could have easily been edited out and the movie would have been better off.The movie is a mix of “Talladega Nights” humor in an “Anchorman” time period, complete with afros, funk and scarfs. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys good Ferrell humor, and I especially recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the ABA or is currently cheering for a struggling NBA team that desperately needs Ferrell’s promotions to make the games bearable.
(02/28/08 5:55am)
So many times, it happens too fast. You change your passion for glory. Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past. You must fight just to keep them alive! It’s the eye of the ... Tiger Woods?\nWho would have thought Survivor hit the nail right on the head by penning the life of Tiger Woods in one simple stanza?\nLet me explain.\nWoods is simply the most dominant player in his sport and is on his way to being the greatest golfer of all time. \nHe lives a dream life.\nHe only works a few months a year. He is sponsored by everyone who’s anyone. He is married to a hot nanny, former model Elin Nordegren. He plays golf for a living. He’s always in warm climates. He’s worth millions. Do I need to keep going?\nBut where Survivor really went Nostradamus on us is the line: “Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past.”\nTiger’s past was something one dreams of. He is presently trying to do something he’s already accomplished. It might be early but he is on pace to go undefeated this season – for a second time.\nWhen he was 11, he won all 36 tournaments he entered, giving him a perfect season. Eleven years old! \nWhen I was 11, Bill Clinton was getting lucky in the Oval Office, and Stephen Glass was fabricating a story for The New Republic so he could get rich off a “fictional” book of his lies later in life.\nBut as I approach the 10-year anniversary of my 11th birthday next week, I got to thinking what other famous people did when they were 11. Here’s what I got. \nNote to my gullible readers: These are not real. I made all this up. However, there is a distinct possibility that some of these might be factual by accident.\nWhen he was 11 ... \n- Ron Artest punched his first fan when an observer called him a “meanie” during a pickup game at the YMCA. \n- Danny Almonte and Yi Jianlian were actually 15 years old. \n- Mike Tyson was sent to the principal’s office for biting another student. After multiple tests, the counselors deemed his problems stemmed from being socially inept. To help, he was sent to speech therapy to try to help him pronounce his “s’s” correctly. Repeat after me Mikey: “Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore.”\n- John Wooden walked to school every day in the snow ... uphill ... both ways.\n- Bill Belichick was caught cheating on a test. It was confirmed that he knew exactly what the teacher was going to ask prior to the exam.\n- Allen Iverson was benched in the first quarter of his junior high basketball debut for skipping practice the day before. It was just for skipping practice. Not a game, but practice. \n- Freddy Adu was the future of soccer. Wait ... people actually thought that one was true.\n- O.J. Simpson ghost-wrote a book. It was titled, “If I Did It: The Confessions of a Kid Who Pulls Off The Heads of Barbies ... and Kens.”\n- And last but certainly not least, when Mike Abrams was 11 years old, he decided that if a college newspaper was ever dumb enough to let him write rants about professional athletes, he would pray that his stories ran next to the crossword puzzle so that more people would see them.
(02/21/08 6:00am)
In basketball, two ‘T’s’ and you’re ejected. For Josh Tucker, it was just one.\nDuring the IU-Wisconsin basketball game last week, Tucker, a 31-year-old life-long Hoosier fan from Louisville decided to make a statement. So he made a T-shirt.\nIt read: “Bring Back Bobby.”\nEarly in the game, ushers ordered Tucker to remove the shirt, deeming it offensive.\nCan someone please explain this to me?\nI didn’t think so.\nSo when Tucker put the shirt back on, ushers came back and threatened to arrest him. He finally obliged, solely because of his desire to see the end of a great game.\nBut Tucker’s shirt brings up a huge problem. It is the usher’s responsibility to remove any articles of clothing or any signs that are deemed derogatory or offensive. But what is offensive? The rules the ushers are supposed to enforce are wholly arbitrary.\nDon’t get me wrong, I completely agree with the rule as long as it’s consistently monitored. This year, another offensive-shirt incident occurred at Texas Tech, the university from which Bobby recently retired.\nDuring the Michael Vick saga, Texas Tech banned the sale of a shirt which featured an image of the dog mascot of in-state rival Texas A&M in a noose. On the back, the shirt read “Vick ‘Em.”\nVick is my dawg, but even I think that a shirt insinuating the hanging of a pit bull may be a little offensive.\nBut “Bring Back Bobby?”\nWho in their right mind would find this offensive? The shirt didn’t even read “Our Knight in shining armor” on the back. The shirt wasn’t even the best sign or shirt I’ve seen since the Kelvin Sampson allegations were brought to light.\nNot only is it absurd that someone found this offensive, but forcing Tucker to take off the shirt is a huge violation of First Amendment right. The 1969 Supreme Court decision in Tinker v. Des Moines ruled symbolic protests in public forums are protected by the First Amendment, as long as they don’t incite immediate conflict.\nI don’t think anyone rushed to argue with Tucker, so his speech should be protected. And he knows it.\n“When any university or other institution of higher learning tries to basically squash someone’s freedom of speech because they don’t like the message being said, what kind of message does that send out to the student body?” Tucker asked. “That’s what this nation is founded upon: the right to say what you want to say.”\nI could not agree more that Tucker had every right to wear his shirt. And he has every right to wear his new shirt, which he is currently selling for $20, that reads “Bring Back Integrity” on the front and “Bring Back Coach Knight” on the back.\nDuring that game, the ushers who demanded Tucker remove his shirt lost sight of a major part of higher education: integrity. \nIt is my hope that the University will take action. I hope the administration will do the right thing and bring integrity back to a stadium and program that was built on tradition and class. \nMultiple calls to the IU Athletic Department for comment were not returned, but it seems as if the department has taken small steps in the right direction. At Tuesday’s game against Purdue, multiple ushers informed me that “Bring Back Bobby” shirts were completely acceptable and by no means offensive.\nI’m glad to see the ushers have learned from prior mistakes, but they are two games too late.\nBecause Tucker isn’t done. He has talked to multiple lawyers and is looking at his legal options. \nHe doesn’t want money. In fact he is donating all the profits of his shirt sales to the V Foundation, an organization that supports cancer research.\nInstead, Tucker wants IU to do exactly what his new shirt proclaims – “Bring Back Integrity.”
(02/15/08 4:07am)
The NBA – where amazing happens. \nWhen I first saw those commercials, I thought they were a load of crap. How amazing could the NBA really be when it had cheating officials, multiple player arrests and unbalanced conferences? \nOk, so that was actually my second thought. My first thought is how fun it would be to make a parody of one of those commercials. Picture the music rolling and then a picture of Ron Artest in the stands and the ad says “where brawls happen.” Next is a picture of Allen Iverson sitting at the press table and with the picture saying “where ‘practice?’ happens.” The final picture can be of Wilt Chamberlain and a girl saying “where getting lucky happens.” Then we will roll to the NBA logo with the normal “where amazing happens.”\nBut this year, amazing has happened. As we head into the All-Star break this weekend, we have already witnessed two blockbuster trades, great playoff races in both conferences and two unbalanced conferences that have turned comical.\nSo let’s see why this first half of the season has been one of the best in years.\nTo start, we have seen Shaq go West and Pau Gasol go to L.A. \nGasol is a great addition and makes the Lakers a huge threat in the Western Conference. He fits the triangle offense and is a great compliment to Kobe and Lamar Odom. \nAnd then there is Shaq. As he said, “the sun will rise in Phoenix.” I have no doubt Shaq will make Phoenix better. Many critics think he is out of his prime and won’t be able to keep up with the Suns’ run and gun offense. But I think the Diesel has plenty left in the tank, and he will make the Suns even more of a contender than before. Shaq plays when he wants to, but when he gets angry at critics, he is known for winning championships.\nPlus, can’t you imagine the media heyday that will happen if a Kobe-Shaq Western Conference Finals showdown happens? The matchup will be an amazing best-of-seven games.\nBut before we get to the playoffs, we have the great races going already. In the East, the 6th, 7th and 8th seeds are completely up for grabs, and there are eight teams within six-and-a-half games of getting as high as the sixth seed. In the West, the difference between the 1st and 9th seeds is five games. Five games! That is unheard of. \nIf the races are this tight before the break, I can only imagine what’s going to happen after. \nBut what might sum up the amazing is the difference in the conferences. The “Leastern” conference has been well below the West for awhile, but may have hit a new low. The 9th seed in the West is 11 games over .500. In the East, the 8th seed is sitting six games under .500. The balance is severely tilted towards the Pacific, but hopefully it will even out over time.\nOf course, there is still a lot of basketball to be played and even more time for more trades. So all we can do is sit tight and watch it all unfold. \nPlus, the more you watch, the more “where amazing happens” commercials you get to see.
(02/14/08 5:00am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Upon entering the house-turned-restaurant The Runcible Spoon, I felt as though I had been invited there for dinner. My friend and I were invited to sit where we pleased. We chose a pair of worn armchairs snuggled in the corner of a room. The peppy hostess greeted us like we had been friends for years, and all my anxieties of college life trickled away from me. Rustic homemade meals are characteristic of Runcible Spoon head chefs David Nash and Matt O'Neill, harkening back to simpler days before fast food. The ingredients in the lunch and dinner menus are quite simple and few, but they sure do pack a punch.
We began our meals with soup: I had the black bean; and my friend had the tomato, garlic and basil. Served with lightly toasted, super-dark pumpernickel bread, our starters were brought to us promptly by our charismatic waiter. Though the black-bean soup was decent, it lacked the zesty and sweet-spicy vigor of the tomato soup. Consequently, I kept mooching spoonfuls of the tomato soup from my friend, losing myself in its melting pot of flavors, while the black bean lay abandoned.Our two entrees were equally delicious. Craving lighter fare, I went with the "Veg Plate": a succulent blend of piping-hot seasonal sauteed veggies, piled high over a bed of lightly fried potatoes, which tasted almost like The Runcible Spoon's famed breakfast hash browns. The flavors of the vegetables worked well together, blending carrots, onions, zucchini, spinach and tomatoes that burst in my mouth when I bit them, all topped with the freshly-chopped basil found in the tomato soup.My friend ordered a burger for his meal, and what a burger it was. As savory and juicy as they come, layered with lettuce, onion and tomato and sandwiched between toasted buns, you wouldn't even know it was a veggie burger. Calling it the "Spicy Black Bean Burger," the Spoon remakes the hallmark of American barbeque cuisine into a healthful, grease-free alternative that preserves all the rugged allure of its beef counterpart, without the gastro-intestinal sorrow. And for the extremely low price of $4.95, we felt almost guilty for getting so much satisfaction out of the dish.To finish off our dinner, we wallowed in the sexy, sultry richness of the Triple Chocolate Bundt Cake. Generously cut, the cake was drizzled with two different types of chocolate, flanked by massive mounds of fresh whipped cream. Make sure to have a cup of in-house roasted, fair-trade coffee the cafe section of the restaurant serves, because you will need something strong to match the depth of the cake.Although the food was outstanding, it's the eccentric character of the Runcible Spoon that would keep me coming back again and again. Nowhere else do friendly conversations regularly leap from table to table nor do Celtic musicians hold their band practices in the side room. The people who eat there are fixtures of the restaurant, and it has true potential to be a home away from home.
(02/07/08 5:05am)
At least someone is still undefeated as of this Sunday. \nHis name is Tiger Woods, and he is on his way to becoming the greatest golfer of all time.\nTiger has now won both tournaments he has entered in the 2008 season, and his start has an uncanny resemblance to the start of the New England Patriot’s season ... except that Tiger won’t choke when it counts.\nLet’s take a look at the two.\nThe Patriots started with Spygate. They cheated and it blew up in their faces. The saga hasn’t ended, with Senator Arlen “In” Specter Gadget questioning NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell about the debacle. \nTiger’s season didn’t begin with a birdie – rather an announcer delivering an off-color joke calling for other plays to “lynch him.”\nAlthough Tiger did not seem too upset by the comments, his play shows that he may be competing with an ulterior motive. Tiger was forced to deal with the distraction over a prolonged period of time thanks to Golfweek magazine putting a giant noose on its front cover.\nThe Patriots won no matter what happened during every game until last Sunday. They won no matter who stepped on the field and no matter what they did. There was no quit.\nTiger, who has now won seven of his last eight tournaments, has already shown two ways he can win this year: with the lead or from behind. He won the first tourney by eight strokes and was never seriously challenged. Last week, he came back by birdieing five of his last seven holes, including a 25-foot putt on the 18th green for the victory to win the Dubai Desert Classic for the second year in a row.\nThe Patriots had Gisele.\nTiger has the superhot nanny.\nAll season, the Patriots had the whole world gunning for them. Every team wanted to be the one to knock them off and everyone always gave them a game. I can’t name one non-Patriot fan who cheered for them.\nTiger has everyone aiming to knock him down each and every week. Last week, Ian Poulter ran his mouth about how he is the only player that has a shot to challenge Tiger. Poulter rambled on about how his best play can beat Tiger. \nThe Patriots had their little “humble pie” joke that kept them motivated each and every week. Although the joke really just showed Bill Belichick has the personality of a mule, the players ran with it and had fun.\nUnlike the Pat’s head coach, Tiger has an amazing sense of humor. When asked this past weekend about how he feels being the No. 1 player in golf with a points total doubling that of Phil Mickleson, Tiger, with a big smile on his face, replied, “I thought Ian Poulter was No. 2.”\nThe similarities are uncanny but a few differences set Tiger apart. \nFirst, he has class. Win or lose, he always gives a good interview with more than just one word answers and praises the winner.\nHe also has a much more relaxing schedule than the Patriots. Like Randy Moss, he only plays when he wants to; and if he needs to take a week off, his multi-millions can allow him to do so.\nBut most importantly, he has two big Nike golf balls that don’t collapse under pressure. He won’t choke in the majors and if he wins all four this year, no one would be surprised. I wouldn’t be surprised if he won every tournament he enters this season.\nAnd if he does, that will be one undefeated season the entire world will actually cheer for.
(01/31/08 4:56am)
Are you ready for some football? A Sunday night party?\nWell, I’m not.\nI don’t want to watch the Super Bowl. Absolutely nothing appeals to me about this game. I don’t like either team, the halftime show is awful and the commercials have been on a steady decline every year.\nLet me break it down a \nlittle more:\nI hate the Patriots. They cheat, they play dirty and most importantly, they are the Indianapolis Colts’ biggest rival. I hate them with every inch of my body.\nAlso, I’m not a big fan of New York sports fans in general, especially Giants fans. Many are fair-weather fans. They treat their players like trash and their expectations for their teams are unrealistic. There is a reason why the Giants are on a 10-game road win streak. It’s because it can’t be fun playing at home while your own fans boo you because you made one bad play.\nGiants fans need to support their players through thick and thin, and right now they don’t. I still cheer for Jamaal Tinsley despite him sitting out games because of having participated in multiple strip club fights and getting the entire Indy downtown area shot up in the wee hours of the morning. If I can do that, they can support Eli Manning despite a few interceptions.\nSo who do you cheer for? There is no clear option. It is like choosing between Lucifer and Satan. Or between getting in a car with Billy Joel or getting in a relationship with Britney Spears. Or having to go 12 rounds in the ring with Mike Tyson or having to speak like him for eternity. \nBoth choices suck.\nSo if I don’t care about the game, at least maybe I could get to watch a good halftime show. But someone ruined that by exposing herself to the world. \nI give you the Janet \nJackson factor. \nEver since “JJ” had her fun on stage, the NFL has gone for the most boring, family friendly halftime shows. This year, that show is Tom Petty. \nHe’s not bad. He can sing. But wouldn’t you rather see some pop singer or rapper go nuts on stage and get the crowd hyped?\nI can promise you I’d be more excited for the second half if Lil’ Jon came out “singing” (OK, yelling) instead of Petty sitting on stage belting out “Free Fallin’”\nWhen the game and the halftime show fail, you can still hope that the commercials are going to be entertaining. I’m praying that the commercials this year are hilarious. If they aren’t, then there might not be one good moment out of this Sunday.\nHowever, despite all my criticism, I will still watch the game. I get paid to write about national sports and this is one of the biggest events of the year, so I can’t miss it. The Super Bowl is always a spectacle, and with the Patriots still undefeated, we have the potential to see history. \nPlus, I’m going to a Super Bowl party with a ton of free food and I just can’t pass that up.
(01/28/08 5:28am)
Over the PA system at Assembly Hall, I heard a muffled reminder. Fan’s use of profane language could result in a technical foul on the home team.\nTalk about an empty threat.\nA better message to send over the PA system would be, “We’d like to take this time to remind the officiating crew that your main objectives are to be fair, consistent and most importantly, to maintain control over the game.”\nThat means the elbows, jersey grabbing and blatant traveling calls missed all need to be called to keep control. If not, someone needs to remind the refs that they aren’t Tim Donaghy, that they have a job to do and that they aren’t doing a satisfactory job. \nUsually, that someone ends up being the fans. Being someone who has been called for a technical foul for criticizing referees in every single intramural basketball game I’ve played this year, I’ll be the first to let the zebras know when they are wrong.\nBut we, as educated IU students, can do better. We can come up with a more creative way to display frustration than the usual “bullshit” chant. We can probably come up with more appropriate ways to boo while still keeping this family event PG.\nNext time you’re at the game, cheer your head off to let the refs know when they make a mistake. Just make sure that “earmuffs” aren’t needed for the young ones.
(01/24/08 5:00am)
Two score and four years ago, Martin Luther King Jr. made a memorable speech. The United States honored this great leader by taking Monday off. We as a nation have dedicated the entire week to honor this great man.\nBut, three days later, we must face the tragic fact that I still had to write a column. Three days later, I still had to come up with some sort of nonsense to print in this publication. Three days later, I still had to try to entertain my beloved readers.\nI am mindful that some of you read this through great trials and tribulations. Some of you come from areas where reading is frowned upon, while others generally just don’t like reading my columns. But I ask you to continue to have faith.\nGo back to Foster, go back to Teter, go back to Hoosier Courts or go back to your fraternity knowing that somehow, this situation can, and will be changed.\nI say to you today, my dear readers, that in spite of the difficulties and frustrations of the moment, I still have a dream.\nI have a dream that one day the NHL will be back on ESPN and people will again care about hockey.\nI have a dream that one day we will all realize that the true meaning of the Mitchell Report is not about steroid abuse in baseball. Rather, the report’s true meaning is about the overdosing of Pez and which dispenser leads to the most homeruns in baseball. \nI have a dream that one day Nintendo Wii Sports will have a professional bowling league. \nI have a dream today. \nI have a dream that one day Cooper Manning will be in more commercials than both his brothers combined.\nI have a dream that one day Adam “Pacman” Jones will be permanently banned from all strip clubs and will instead “make it rain” at homeless shelters to help the poor.\nI have a dream that one day John Daly will win a major tournament and NOT blow the money at the casinos on slots and alcohol.\nI have a dream that one day Air Bud will play for the New York Knicks and unite that group of selfish players with a simple game of fetch.\nI have a dream today.\nI have a dream that one day O.J. Simpson will leave court a rejuvenated man to become the spokesperson for the Pro-Life Action League because he will know killing is unacceptable.\nI have a dream today.\nThis is my hope. This is the faith to which I return to my couch to take a nap. And if this column is to be a great column, this must come true. So let the freedom of Straight Bidness ring from the hardwood floor of Assembly Hall.\nLet freedom ring from the snowcapped arches of the Sample Gates!\nLet freedom ring from the drunken student-filled streets of Kirkwood Avenue!\nWhen we let freedom ring, we will have all read this column and we will be free to do better things with our time. We will all join hands and thank Dr. King that we are free at last!
(01/18/08 2:30am)
TV has officially struck out. \nWith the writers strike screwing the few well-written shows on television, we have hit the point where most shows have run out of scripts. Instead of reaching an agreement and ending this debacle, the major stations have decided to air new reality shows instead.\nThese shows have been awful, and three examples show how the TV stations have struck out.\nTake, for instance, “True Life” on MTV. As I flipped through the channels in my loft Tuesday night, I saw a girl scream obscenities at her grandmother. \nNo, I didn’t come across “Cops.” This girl had all her teeth. Instead, I saw the “True Life” episode called “I have Tourette’s.”\nDespite what movies like “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo” and shows like “South Park” have led everyone to believe, Tourette’s does not merely involve a person screaming obscenities. Rather, it is a very painful, terrible disease that affects all who have it. This girl on “True Life” was in so much pain after performing in her school play that she was lying on the ground wailing.\nAre these the ground-breaking ideas stations are coming up with because they’re too greedy to cough up some money for the writers? Have we stooped to the level of trying to elicit entertainment from a disease that is already the butt of many jokes? Strike one.\nAnother example of TV’s struggles occurred Monday night. It was week two of the highly anticipated “American Gladiators.” I know the writers are still on strike, but some idiot scripted all the lines in this show. It’s so blatantly obvious these competitors have memorized lines that it’s painful to watch. \nI wish there were more hitting and physical competing and less stupid comments from gladiators like Wolfman. This show has potential, but it’s going to bomb faster than Paris Hilton’s singing career. The only reason people have been watching it is to relive the glory days, but it won’t take long for that to wear off. Strike two.\nIf you haven’t had your fix of reality shows, then there are plenty of game shows to fill your television appetite. \nThere are new singing, dancing and game shows that air during prime time every night and are actually gaining viewership. \nFor instance, “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” is popular. My question is: Why? Host Jeff Foxworthy isn’t even as smart as a first grader. Everyone on the show is at least 20 years removed from fifth grade, insuring that they will bomb the questions and look like fools.\nAre people so desperate for 15 minutes of fame that they will subject themselves to such humiliation? Strike three. You’re out. It’s time for the seventh-inning stretch.\nEither way, I’m getting fed up with this strike. My TV hasn’t changed from TBS’ syndicated old sitcoms because there is absolutely nothing to watch. Once I lose “Friday Night Lights” to the strike, I am going to take action. I’m going to join the Writers Guild of America and cross the picket line to end this mess.\nAnd if that doesn’t work, then I’m going to back to fifth grade to make some serious cash on that show.
(01/17/08 3:51am)
I'm mandating a new rule. \nEvery applicant to IU from Atlanta must prove their ability to count to six before acceptance. It is not one-two-three-four-six. (For those of you from Atlanta who got in prior to the rule’s enactment, there is a five missing.)\nOn Dec. 19, the Atlanta Hawks beat the Miami Heat at home in an overtime game. However, last Friday the NBA ruled that the last 51.9 seconds of regulation will be replayed after Heat center Shaquille O’Neal fouled out of the game after committing only his fifth foul. The Hawk’s scorekeeper wrongfully recorded a foul on Shaq earlier in the game that was not actually his.\nThis will be the first time a game has been replayed in 25 years and only the fourth time in NBA history. \nThe game will be played before the two teams’ next meeting in Atlanta on March 9.\nThe mistake is absolutely unacceptable and replaying the game is absurd. There are way too many variables that will be affected during the replay of the final few seconds, 82 days after the initial outcome (momentum, fatigue, streak shooting, officiating crew and injuries, to name a few). \nWhat if injuries force Shaq to sit out for the replay game? Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of replaying the game? What if either team makes a trade prior to March 9? Do the new guys get to play? Or even better yet, what if they make a trade with each other? Do the guys switch back to their old team for the 51.9 seconds, and then switch jerseys for the regularly scheduled game they will play after?\nI understand that in the NBA, the difference between a playoff spot and a lottery pick is sometimes only one game. But wouldn’t it make more sense to see if the game matters? If the loss causes the Heat to miss the playoffs by one game, then I understand the importance of a replay. But if not, why waste everyone’s time?\nEither way, the mistake is an embarrassment to the Hawks organization, but luckily they are used to screwing up.\nLast season, the Hawks scorekeeper neglected to count one of TJ Ford’s baskets in the final minutes of the game. Although the game was decided by more than two points, the final few minutes of the game could have played out differently if Ford’s points had been posted correctly. I personally believe Toronto would have won the game if the points were counted.\nThese types of mistakes shouldn’t happen in the NBA and don’t happen in the other 29 organizations. But it happened in Atlanta ... twice.\nNow, I’ve only been to Atlanta once outside of its airport, but being very familiar with the movie “Stomp the Yard” makes me a self-proclaimed expert on the city, and I think I have a plan to solve this problem.\nThe Hawks will change their mascot to Count von Count, the vampire from Sesame Street, and he will give free lessons during timeouts. We will start this season with the fingers and maybe next season the city of Atlanta can get all the way to the toes.\nAnd if that doesn’t work, then just don’t ask an Atlanta-born IU student for help with your math homework.
(01/10/08 4:05am)
With two semesters as a national sports columnist under my belt, the IDS was kind (dumb) enough to give me a crack at a third semester.\nSince I made predictions for 2008 yesterday, and there were way too many good news stories during break to choose just one, I decided to give you a pu-pu platter of all my favorite stories during our short time away from school.\nWithout further ado:\nThe Chicago Bulls sent head coach Scott Skiles a Christmas card with his pink slip in it. It must be nice getting fired on Christmas Eve since Chinese food and a movie always make me feel better.\nOh wait, Skiles isn’t Jewish? In that case, that’s just mean.\nSince I feel bad for Skiles’ misfortune, I decided to write him a Christmas jingle (sung like Jingle Bells):\n“Jingle bells, Ben Wallace smells. Your team sank like \na boat.\nYou can’t get mad that your team is just bad.\nYou’re what we call a scapegoat.”\nSpeaking of dirty, unliked animals, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady led the New England Patriots to an undefeated regular season. It is quite an accomplishment that won’t go unnoticed since ESPN and the world won’t stop talking about it. \nOf course I really didn’t care. I just wrote this to jinx the both of them. \nO-H-N-O. It was too bad for the Buckeyes, who were pummeled Monday night in the BCS title game for the second year in a row.\nThis title game was awful. It’s incredible that every year the effectiveness of the BCS and its need for a playoff is written by sports writers across the country. If this year didn’t prove the need for a one, then I don’t know what it will take. With a playoff, everyone gets to see better games, and the NCAA will end up making more money. Isn’t making money what the NCAA is all about?\nSince we’re already talking about money, the Colts re-signed Bob Sanders to a $37.5 million contract for the next five years. If my calculations are correct, he will be making $144,230 a week. That means he’s making $144,220 more than I am on a weekly basis.\nI wish I was born with speed, agility and all around natural talent like Sanders so I could play a sport professionally and roll in the dough. But I guess there’s always a sport like golf for my waste of a body.\nLike golf, hockey is also a sport no one watches anymore, but the league hit it big over break with the NHL Winter Classic. The outdoor game in Buffalo had the highest ratings of any NHL game in more than a decade. Its ratings beat out Wayne Gretzky’s final game but I think it would have done better if it was on TV in Indiana. If it was on, I couldn’t find it. During the time it was supposed to be on, NBC was showing “Dr. Phil” at my house. Woo-hoo.\nThanks, Indiana. Instead of watching one of the most exciting hockey games in years, we were forced to watch some fat guy preach psychobabble for an hour. And people wonder why our child obesity rate is problematic in Indiana.\nOr maybe I’m just terrible at searching for things on TV.
(12/06/07 4:38am)
His name is Frank.\nFrank Caliendo. \nHe’s got a new show on TBS called Frank TV. He impersonates famous people in sketch comedy. His voices are flawless and his comedy is not just smart, but funny.\nI bet you’re wondering what Frank has to do with national sports. To be honest, he doesn’t really have any correlation to sports. Except for the fact that Frank does amazing impersonations of Charles Barkley, John Madden, Bill Walton, Jim Rome and Terry Bradshaw.\nAfter watching his show the other night – and then again and again the next two days – I have really become accustomed to his Madden voice. He’s so good that when I watched Sunday Night Football, I thought it was him a few times.\nFrank has pointed out all of Madden’s flaws: his ability to be captain obvious, his incredibly strange man crush on Brett Favre and his habit of talking about nothing and then summing it up by saying, “and that’s what that’s all about.”\nFrank has officially made it tough to watch SNF. As I continued to watch I kept noticing more and more of Frank’s criticisms of Madden.\nWe have all noticed that Madden has said some of the dumbest stuff for years, and makes his comments seem like they’re relevant for all of his viewers. But as I watched Madden try to break down a zone defense by drawing lines of receiver routes that would work against this defense – one route that started from the Pittsburgh Steelers’ sideline – I started to really catch on to how stupid his comments truly are. \nHe says absolutely nothing about the game that a 5-year-old couldn’t come up with. And when he does have insightful things to say, he is unable to spit them out in coherent sentences.\nHe really sounds like a broken record. Or at least a remix of a really bad rap song.\nThe best part about Frank’s Madden impersonation is that Madden hates it. Pretty much everyone else that Frank can do enjoys his humor and takes it as a compliment. But Frank says that Madden hates his impersonations of him, which makes it that much funnier.\nSo why am I telling you all of this?\nBecause in this awful time of finals, case studies or whatever schoolwork you have weighing you down, Frank is someone who can continually put a smile on your face.\nOr, as Madden would put it, “Frank is a funny man. He has a funny skit. But his sketch comedy is just kind of funny when it should be really funny and we all want it to be more than just average funny. Hopefully more people will watch and think it’s funny because if he stays funny then we can watch more of his funny show. And that’s what that’s all about.”
(11/29/07 5:08am)
You have cordially been invited to the belated Mike Abrams’ Thanksgiving dinner. At this dinner, each dish represents a different topic. It’s kind of like the Sedar plate on Passover, except this dinner works for sports fans and is printed in the paper instead of nasty books filled with crumbs from the past 20 years of family feasts. The menu is as follows:\nThere are a couple different side dishes. The first dish is sweet potatoes. The sweet potatoes are Avery Johnson getting fined $25,000 by the NBA after being ejected from a Pacers game. \nThis ejection was definitely sweet because I was at the game, and not only did the Pacers beat Dallas, but Johnson’s ejection stemmed from one of the worst calls I’ve seen since ... well, I guess since the last game because NBA officials generally suck. (Please don’t fine me David Stern.) \nJohnson had every right to be angry, and I was hoping he would go out there and clock referee Bennett Salvatore. Now that would have deserved a fine.\nThe gravy is LeBron James. Bron Bron dropped stat lines of more than 30-10-10 on back-to-back nights last weekend. His game was straight gravy those nights, and he dropped 38 to beat the Celtics Tuesday night.\nBut no Thanksgiving meal can go without the turkey. My turkey is the BCS debacle. \nEvery year, the debate of how screwed up the BCS is arises. This year, the debate is in full force since the necessity of a playoff system is clearly evident. \nHow does the top-ranked team in the nation go into a conference title game as an underdog?\nThe answer is because it isn’t the best team in the nation. It is only ranked No. 1 because the BCS is forced to put someone there. This season is filled with teams that are good, but not good enough to have two clear-cut teams in the national championship game. This year is the perfect example of why a playoff system would benefit the NCAA tremendously.\nOf course, next year we will be having the same debate because logical events rarely take place in sports.\nIf you’re still hungry, then a little pie for dessert is my Heisman pick. Darren McFadden should win the Heisman this year. He deserved it last year, but the voters have some strange bias against juniors and gave it to an undeserving Troy Smith. Don’t jip him of his glory again this year!\nThat’s all you get at the belated Mike Abrams Thanksgiving dinner. I hope you’re full. If not, just wait for the tryptophan to kick in and you will be too tired to eat anyway.
(11/12/07 12:39am)
What would happen if you went out with a 6-year-old? \nFive to 10 years in prison.\nA 15-year age gap between a couple just seems absurd … unless you’re in Hollywood. The continuing trend with the stars seems to be dating young.\nBut it’s not a completely new idea. A few pioneers have paved a path for the new souls trying to rejuvenate their inner child by dating 15 years younger. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore have tied the knot with a 15-year age gap. Katie Holmes and Tom “I have a Thetan Level of OT9” Cruise did it with a 17-year age gap. Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton’s 20-year age gap ended in divorce, but Catherine-Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas are still going strong despite their 25-year age gap.\nMarriage can work despite the monstrous gap. But the new rumors flying around about Ashley Olsen and Lance Armstrong dating, despite their 15-year age gap, is just over the top.\nLet me pray this is just a rumor, because I’d like to believe Lance is smarter than that.\nDidn’t Lance ride his rollers watching “Full House” episodes when the Olsen twins were babies? Didn’t he watch them grow up during their detective movies that led them to short, unfulfilling acting careers? Didn’t he do all of this as an adult?\nDoes that not creep him out? Not even a little?\nWe all grew up with the Olsen twins, and I can promise you that if any heterosexual male at IU tells you that he didn’t dream of dating one of the twins (if not both) in his lifetime, then he is lying. \nBut we grew up with them. We were young when they were young. We weren’t in our 20s when we watched the premiere of “Full House.” I can’t even remember the premiere, because I was a baby. \nTo further illustrate why I can’t believe the rumors, let’s compare the two.\nAshley grew up on “Full House,” did all the Olsen twin movies with her sister, had a role in “Factory Girl,” took control of the production company Dualstar with her sister when they both turned 18 and now does absolutely nothing productive with her time. She has also been linked to a drug scandal and was criticized for dating Scott Sartiano because of the 9-year age difference.\nOn the other hand, Lance won the Tour de France seven consecutive times, battled brain, lung and testicular cancer, made the greatest cameo ever in “Dodgeball” and founded one of the most storied philanthropic organizations, the Lance Armstrong Foundation, which is famous for its Livestrong bracelets. The foundation has raised more than $60 million for cancer research.\nDo opposites really attract? Does this relationship really have potential?\nAdd the two very different personalities and lifestyles to the age gap and you get an extremely random Hollywood couple. \nMaybe it will work. Maybe they will be happy together for years and years. Or maybe it is just a rumor to grab headlines.\nEither way, let’s look on the bright side. At least it’s legal.
(11/08/07 5:00am)
Dec. 10, 1904\nPi Kappa Phi is founded at the College of Charleston in South Carolina
(11/08/07 3:00am)
I have options this week.\nThere was Adrian Peterson’s record-breaking performance, there were some amazing, stupid quotes by football players, there were NBA games out the wazoo and there was even some NHL news ... at least, I think there is still an NHL.\nBut of all these things, baseball is making the most noise by finally doing something right.\nI’m not talking about Joe Torre going to the Dodgers or A-Rod denying $350 million. Rather, I’m talking about the general managers recommending for the first time Tuesday that instant replay should be used to help umpires make difficult decisions, mainly with home runs. \nThe proposal, which was approved by 25 of the 30 general managers, was limited to boundary calls. Boundary calls determine whether potential home runs are fair or foul, whether balls go over fences or stay in play or whether fans interfere with possible homers.\nToo bad Steve Bartman didn’t have a replay to help show how stupid he was to his own team. Oh wait, I’m still seeing replays about this.\nBut congrats, baseball, you finally did something right. In the midst of all the steroid allegations, you have overcome a large challenge in the sporting world – cheating. \nThis year alone, Tim Donaghy has been accused of rigging basketball games and the New England Patriots were caught taping other teams’ signals to help win games.\nMany fans are now skeptical of officials’ rulings and of dirty, unethical teams (like the Patriots). Having a review helps ease the minds of the doubters; it makes the games fairer and helps reduce natural human error – and cheating. \nUnfortunately, this is only a proposal and unless Bud Selig approves it and puts it in place, it is merely a recommendation that was left unfulfilled. Hopefully, Bud will realize that this is a good thing and will do what’s in the best interest of the game, which is adding the instant replay.\nThis won’t be a money-making decision. It won’t make me want to watch games any more than I do now. It won’t make one of the most boring games exciting.\nBut it will help. As a non-baseball fan but overall sports fan, I will feel more at ease knowing that one of our major sporting leagues is trying to do the right thing. Because right now, I don’t always think our big sports commissioners are on the right track.\nNBA commissioner David Stern has been doing the best he can, but he’s leading a group of degenerates and a group of “rogue” individual refs. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has been power hungry with his suspensions, and he has one of the best football teams in years being blatant cheaters. NHL commissioner Gary Bettman is ... well the NHL is still around so I guess he’s doing all right.\nEither way, I hope these replays get put in place. I think the only thing holding them back might be technical difficulties. Of course, all they need to do is get Bill Belichick on the phone because we all know he’s good with a video camera.
(11/01/07 3:17am)
Since the NBA started Tuesday and since the NBA will consume the rest of my junior year here at IU, I decided to share with you a few important dates on my NBA calendar and why you should watch them. Make sure to remember these dates:\nOct. 30, Portland at San Antonio: At about 8 p.m., the NBA tipped off in San Antonio. At about 8:03 p.m., the first official Tim Donaghy joke was made.\nNov. 2, Los Angeles Lakers at Phoenix: The greatest matchup to watch. The games are always exciting. Of course, you can scratch this game off if Kobe is traded before it.\nNov. 8, Dallas at Golden State: After Dallas blew the first round matchup during last year’s playoffs, look for them to come back for some revenge. \nNov. 20, Golden State at New York: If there is going to be a brawl this season, it will likely be during this matchup. I have no doubt that these two teams will play one of the dirtiest games ever seen on TV. At least we will get hours of SportsCenter breaking down each and every moment of the fight.\nNov. 28, Golden State at Sacramento: Ron Artest meets Stephen Jackson. The game will be awful, but watching those two interact is always amusing. Also, the local Sacramento strip club better beef up security that weekend because those two have a history together.\nDec. 17, Phoenix at San Antonio: After last season’s letdown by the Suns in the Western Conference Finals, expect an exciting matchup. Of course, this is all dependent on whether Steve Nash’s back is still functioning at this point.\nDec. 25, three great games: IT’S CHRISTMAS. And Santa brought us three great games: Miami at Cleveland, Phoenix at Los Angeles and Seattle at Portland. The last game should be amazing … oh wait. Greg Oden isn’t playing so that Durant vs. Oden showdown isn’t happening. Maybe next year.\nDec. 28, Indiana at Detroit: Even years after the Malice at the Palace, the game is still hyped beyond belief. The Pacers may not have the majority of the players that went into the stands, but that doesn’t change the fact that the Piston fans are dirty, awful people (and I mean that in the nicest of ways). I have hope that Detroit will change as a community since my friends who are from there are good people and don’t throw beer at an angry, psycho athlete. Of course after watching the movie “8 Mile,” I lost all that hope.\nFeb. 8, Boston at Minnesota: This will be Kevin Garnett’s return to Minnesota for the first time since he was traded to Boston, which will dominate the headlines. A side story will be Antoine Walker playing against Boston again. Of course, this could all change if Walker can figure out how to become a Celtic for the third time once he realizes his career is nothing without a good player counterbalancing his awful shot selection.\nMarch 5, Indiana at Houston: This is my 21st birthday. You shouldn’t watch this game. Instead, come out to the bars with me.\nMarch 19, Denver at Philadelphia: Allen Iverson returns home. At this point, we can assume that the 76ers are going to be fighting for a better draft pick so look for them to tank the game and help Denver fight for a better playoff position.\nIf you don’t trust my judgment on these games then here’s my only other advice: Watch all the TNT games because anytime you get to listen to Charles Barkley, it’s worth the time.