Bird hunting

Praise the Lord. Praise Jesus. Praise Allah. And praise L. Ron Hubbard. Praise the Torah. Praise the Bible. Praise the Quran. And praise Dianetics. \nMy prayers have been answered!\nOn Sunday, Pacers CEO Donnie Walsh gave Pacers owner Herb Simon an ultimatum: Keep him or keep Larry Bird. And Walsh said he wanted to stay.\nHip Hip HOORAY!\nThat’s a no brainer. Pick the man with an IQ of 120 or the man who can’t spell IQ. Pick the man who drafted Reggie Miller or pick the man who drafted Stanko Barac. Pick your man or pick your nose. \nThe decision is so easy an elementary education major could make it. There is no way this can be messed up.\nBut Monday, Donnie pulled my heart out, chopped it up into little pieces and served it to the New York public. He squashed my dreams and proved that Hubbard had not answered my prayers, effectively ruining my faith in Scientology. Monday, reports came that Walsh will take over the operations of the New York Knicks, leaving the fate of the Pacers in the hands of Bird. \nMy response: Noooooooo!\nFor 24 hours I had hoped that my prayers had been answered. I had hoped that my Thetan level of OT9 would be enough for the reincarnation of Hubbard to answer my simple wish – for Bird to be fired. \nBut now I sit here again, distraught from the past events looking into the bleak future. I want to believe the best is yet to come and that Bird just needs time, but my gut is telling me to go Bird hunting before he craps on all of us.\nSo without further ado, here is my bi-annual “Fire Bird” speech:\nMy fellow Pacers fans:\nAs we fight for the eighth playoff spot in the awful Eastern Conference, I warn you to look past this season and into the future. A major issue is at hand that needs to be addressed before more problems can be made.\nBird needs to go.\nI know he is a living legend in Indiana. I know he’s the hometown hero. I know he was a great basketball player.\nI know he was handed an awful situation because of The Brawl. I know he only made awful decisions because we, as fans, displayed so much frustration at the off-court problems that the players have caused. I know, deep down, he means the best.\nBut we need to put all that aside and see the real problems and mistakes Bird has made in such a short period.\nWe need to recognize that he traded up in the draft for James White just to cut him before the season started. \nWe need to recognize that he traded a draft pick for Al Harrington to just re-trade him again only 39 games into the season.\nWe need to recognize that he has signed/traded for players with such ludicrous contracts that the team won’t provide real cap space until 2010.\nWe need to realize that he’s wasted our last two draft picks on prospects in Europe who can’t even come to the States for two to three more years.\nAnd most importantly, we need to realize that Bird is the root of all our problems. \nThis man has single-handedly torn apart our team piece by piece. And now that Walsh is gone, he will be pulling all the strings.\nSimon recently said the team needs to be completely shaken up. He wants to change all pieces except the owners.\nI urge Simon to start at the top. \nRemove Bird and then work down. Completely retool the franchise from top to bottom and restore all of our faith in Pacers basketball.\nBesides the removal of Bird, I only make one small request: Please don’t fire the medical staff because I really enjoy my dad’s free seats.