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(05/01/06 4:46am)
Last Thursday, MTV released a \nreport ...\nYes, you read that right.\nIn their continuing quest to involve themselves in everything except music, MTV released a report on the findings of an extensive survey regarding activism among young people, ages 12 to 24. True to form, while their presentation was striking -- indeed, I would describe it as being a sin against the graphical arts and (aesthetically) the single ugliest piece of research I've ever seen -- their content wasn't terribly groundbreaking. MTV's central conclusion was that an "activation gap" exists between the number of young people expressing an interest in getting involved in social causes, and the number actually involved in said causes -- that is, more people claim to be interested than actually do anything. \nIf I may deliver a message to MTV on behalf of all of social science: "Duh." This gap exists because young people are, generally, human -- and, hence, subject to several well-documented phenomena that produce such results. For example: the collective action problem (everyone sees that something onerous needs to be done, but hopes that someone else will do it -- the result being it doesn't get done) and the tendency to provide "socially correct" answers on surveys (in surveys more people claim to vote than actually do, and tend to express more love for their fellow human beings than they have, etc.; all because they're worried about what the researcher and society will think of them).\nA more interesting question than the one at the core of MTV's report, however, is why the Viacom-owned multinational media behemoth should be interested in this issue at all. Part of it is probably so that MTV can play at being a good influence the next time uptight parent-teacher groups try to have them dragged before Congress, and part of it may be that the halls of MTV are lined with guilt-ridden former-hippie execs who see this and their Prius as proof that they haven't "sold out." But, at the risk of giving MTV credit for something other than attempting to kill popular music, I think they may be on to something that will only get more important with time -- something that will not just affect MTV, but all of humanity.\nWe individuals have so much power today. As I noted last Monday, the information revolution has delivered so much more capability into our hands -- and it's only growing. So much of this has come at the expense of traditional, hierarchical, formal institutions. Today an individual, or a network of individuals, can hold their own against governments, companies, churches, established media and more. But while the monolithic organizations fall to our newfound liberty and efficiency, we're going to have to take their place. Young people matter as never before.\nThus, you must ask yourselves: What are you doing with this power? Are you going to use it for good or for ill? What do you want?\nMe? For starters, better music on MTV.
(04/24/06 4:34am)
The ad ran before many of this paper's readers were even born. The third quarter of Super Bowl XVIII, Jan. 22, 1984: A roomful of bald, pale, dusty drones sit silent as a giant face on a monitor harangues them about the glory of obedience and conformity. Suddenly, a curvy blonde in a tank-top and gym shorts runs into the room with a sledgehammer. She swings it, twisting with the momentum -- and throws. The hammer arcs through the air and crashes into the monitor -- it explodes into light and wind. The drones' blank expressions have turned to slack-jawed amazement, and an announcer says: "On Jan. 24, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh. And you'll see why 1984 won't be like '1984.'"\nIt was one of the most famous commercials in history, and not least because of its astounding prescience: The Macintosh was the first commercially successful personal computer with a graphical user interface -- that is, the first personal computer you or I could operate by clicking on icons instead of entering code. \nNow, not only could regular people afford to own computers, they could use them without needing a degree in computer science. Over the next two decades, individuals would gain the power to run their own businesses, printing presses, laboratories, movie studios and schools -- to hear from every corner of the world, and to speak back. And those in the elite -- whether in democracies or dictatorships, CEOs or celebrities -- would be shaken by the newfound power of the average person.\nAnd for a long time, Apple seemed to embody this idea of technology supporting individuality. Because of Microsoft's market hegemony and popularity with businesses, institutions and other bulk-buyers of machines, Windows PCs were computers for going along with the crowd -- the computers that the advertisement's metaphorical authority made you use. Apples, however, were the rebellion.\nBut, with Apple finally showing signs of gaining against Windows (BusinessWeek reported April 13 that Windows' new Intel machines have produced huge sales to users new to Apple), Apple appears to have forgotten its message from 22 years ago. This Thursday, in a San Jose, Calif., court, Apple's attorneys will be arguing that the bloggers aren't "legitimate members of the press" (to quote Apple's brief). Specifically, they are suing to make the e-mail provider for PowerPage.org -- a blog dedicated to news about Apple -- reveal who leaked information about a new feature of its GarageBand music production software. The Electronic Frontier Foundation has countered that PowerPage's e-mail records are protected under the First Amendment.\nMaybe Apple will win on intellectual property grounds, but it'll be at the cost of abandoning the very principles they've claimed to embody. If the personal computer has given us the ability to be so many things, why can't we be journalists? If computers should be about liberating the individual, why try to take away our freedom of the press? It's just such a Microsoft thing to do.
(04/17/06 4:04am)
Didja have a nice Easter weekend? \nDidja go on an Easter egg hunt? And have Cadbury cream eggs? And sit on the Easter Bunny's lap? And throw Easter grass all around? And break out those Peeps you've been keeping stashed away in the pantry since last Easter, so they'd be nice and crunchy? Well, didja have a good time? Well, didja? Didja? Didja?\nMe? What did I do for Easter weekend, you ask? \nI spent it reading about bear attacks; and contact lens cleaner infested with toxic eye fungus; and a suicide bomber who could only be identified by the hand he left behind; and the proper temperature to cook chicken to avoid catching bird flu; and nuclear threats from Iran; and a bloke who chopped up a little girl and planned to eat her; and escalating tensions between Sudan and Chad; and the re-segregation of the school system of Omaha, Neb.; and worries that a new program letting Apple computers use Microsoft Windows will wipe out the Mac operating system; and reminiscences from a fashion model who claims to have been Angelina Jolie's lesbian lover.\nWell, OK, that last bit wasn't bad -- and there's no way being able to boot Windows will kill off the Mac OS (it'd be like trading in your Lexus for an '88 Ford Festiva) -- but the rest was awful. \nEvery once in awhile -- especially around election-time -- a survey comes out that says that you young people pay bugger-all attention to the news (save The Daily Show). However, they never ask the question: Why should you? \nWhy did I have to know about Russia's Pig Olympics, or about a priest in Toledo, Ohio, accused of the ritual-slaying of a nun (with a letter-opener!), or that medical science has finally given us pregnant robots? A couple days spent reading Internet news feeds, and I don't feel any smarter. I just feel like retreating up into the hills with boxes of toilet paper, ammo and stale Peeps -- to wait for the inevitable mutant-filled \napocalypse.\nThe Web has dropped us into a sort of hyper-reality, where almost anything can be known in a very short amount of time. And some of it is stuff you'll regret knowing. And yet, while ignorance might be bliss, access to information is increasingly important to our lives -- thus, such bliss is becoming a luxury item. No wonder celebrities often come off sounding like spoiled 13-year-olds when they spout off about current events.\nBut maybe there's a way to square the circle between knowledge and happiness. Maybe next time you're running across the quad, late for an exam 'cause you accidentally slept in; or you didn't get that internship you wanted; or your supposed soul-mate just told you to take a long walk off a short fjord; or whatever, you might be able look at the beauty around you and think to yourself: Well, at least I'm not that poor sucker who got eaten by the bear. \nNot yet, anyway.
(04/10/06 5:02am)
From now until May, the Wells Library is hosting an exhibit on the Nobel Peace Prize and its recipients. Organized by IU's Center for the Study of Global Change and the United Nations (along with the Library), the project examines the prize's history and significance by profiling selected winners, such as Woodrow Wilson and International Atomic Energy Agency Chief Mohamed ElBaradei.\nEvery time I stop in the library lobby and look at the burnt-orange, UN-logo'ed placards advertising the exhibit, I get really depressed. \nIt's not that I don't think it's a worthy project. It is -- especially as it grew out of an effort to digitize important historical documents related to the Peace Prize recipients. And, contrary to what you might think from past columns, it's not because I dislike the UN. Like many international relations folks, I am, in fact, a UN fan. As an undergraduate I did Model UN, I've toured the headquarters, my swanky bachelor pad is festooned with UN knick-knacks -- I even have a UN baseball cap. I believe in the organization's mission and I want it to work.\nBut, as Langston Hughes wrote: "What happens to a dream deferred?" In my case, it sits in the library lobby grumbling.\nPart of this, of course, is because of diplomacy's notorious record regarding conflict prevention. Two of the exhibit's subjects, Aristide Briand and Frank Kellogg, were the authors of 1928's Kellogg-Briand Pact, an international treaty outlawing war -- and a joke to four generations of international relations scholars. Woodrow Wilson's efforts (The League of Nations) didn't quite work either -- and under ElBaradei's watch, two of the world's most dangerous regimes, Iran and North Korea, are becoming nuclear threats.\nBut no one said achieving peace was easy -- and diplomacy has had surprising successes: in ending apartheid in South Africa, in managing Eastern Europe's (mostly) peaceful democratization, even in bringing the bulk of the Northern Ireland conflict to a close.\nNo, what bothers me is what, in the 21st century, the UN and the international peace movement have become. The UN's corruption, abuse and betrayal of purpose -- as uncovered by the UN's own investigation by Paul Volker, by Sen. Norm Coleman's congressional investigation and by the work of Wall Street Journal reporter Claudia Rosett -- is simply staggering: from the Oil-for-Food scandal, to misappropriation of funds, child molestation by peacekeepers and failing to act against genocide (examples: Bosnia, Rwanda, Darfur) and oppression (examples: far too many). Meanwhile, something has gone wrong with the peace movement: Somewhere along the line, someone defined peace as being compatible with tyranny, human rights abuses and terrorism. Nominal "peace organization," International ANSWER, for instance, has been outed as a front for the Stalinist Workers World Party and has supported villains like the late Slobodan Milosevic. What happened? Does the cause of peace now demand the selling of one's soul?\nSee, aren't you depressed now too?
(03/27/06 7:14am)
IU, like most universities, can't help but look to the Ivy League for ideas -- new ways of teaching, new fundraising schemes, the latest intellectual trends, knick-knacks to draw the attention of prospective students, etc. But, over at Yale, there's a new fashion trend that I'm not quite sure we can get behind.\nSayed Rahmatullah Hashemi has been admitted to Yale as a special student. Hashemi also happens to be former ambassador-at-large for the Taliban. \nAs in, you know, the TALIBAN -- one of the world's most brutal regimes until it was overthrown by U.S., Afghan and coalition forces. The TALIBAN -- who carried out genocidal attacks against the Hazaras and other civilians not belonging to their Pashtun ethnic group, leaving mass graves in their wake. The TALIBAN -- who mandated that women were not allowed to go to school, hold jobs, leave the house or go uncloaked by burqas; and who tortured or murdered them if they refused. The TALIBAN -- who demolished the more-than-1,500-year-old Buddhas of Bamiyan, statues regarded not only as sacred to Buddhism, but significant works of the world's cultural heritage. The TALIBAN -- who terrorized the people of Afghanistan, imprisoning, torturing, or executing them if they spoke out, or refused to grow beards, or flew kites, or listened to music. And, yes, the TALIBAN -- happy hosts of Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda, who still plot to kill thousands of innocents in their quest for a new Caliphate, a global, theocratic, totalitarian empire. \nAnd Hashemi is a bit of a movie star as well, having appeared in Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11." If you've seen the film, you might remember the scene -- at a press conference, a female protester speaks out against the Taliban's abuse of women, and Hashemi replies: "I'm really sorry to your husband. He must have a very tough time with you."\nAnd, yet, instead of being in Guantanamo Bay or -- better yet -- facing justice at the hands of the Taliban's former subjects -- he's being feted at Yale. Why? Because as Richard Shaw, Yale's former dean of undergraduate admissions told the New York Times, he had "personal accomplishments that had significant impact" and because, to quote the Wall Street Journal, "Yale had another foreigner of Mr. Hashemi's caliber apply but 'we lost him to Harvard' (Shaw said) and 'I didn't want that to happen again.'" So, apparently, dictators' toadies are in great demand among the smart set.\nClearly we at IU must have the wrong idea. Ever since the aftermath of World War II, when Herman B Wells led the University to take a key role in post-war reconstruction, IU has been working to support democracy and human rights around the world -- whether by supporting Tibet's government-in-exile, hosting refugees from Burma's vicious military junta, or establishing programs to help foster democracy in the former Soviet republics of Central Asia. \nBut perhaps that's passé. Is there any of the Khmer Rouge left that we \ncould admit?
(03/20/06 4:38am)
Newly back from spring break, your fertile young mind must be abuzz with questions. Did the Hoosiers win? How much work do I need to do to pass this semester? Why does it burn when I pee? And, of course, what news did I miss while I was out?\nWell, I've gathered up the past week's most important stories -- all summarized down to bite-sized news-nuggets. So, with no further ado, here's the week in review:\n• Saturday: Slobodan Milosevic -- the former Yugoslav president responsible for genocide against civilians in Bosnia, Croatia and Kosovo -- died in his cell while still on trial for war crimes. This is a sad event since it'll mean the waste of a perfectly good coffin. Unfortunately, no one builds a toilet large enough for flushing dictators. \n• Sunday: In the evening, fierce storms hit the Midwest -- killing 10 people and causing massive damage in Springfield, Ill. Wait -- Sunday evening? Springfield, Ill.? And Springfields in Missouri, Kansas and Indiana ... It's official: The Simpsons have finally PISSED OFF GOD! Jeebus have mercy!\n• Monday: The trial against al-Qaida terrorist Zacharias Moussaoui was nearly derailed when the judge ordered an inquiry into whether witness coaching by Transportation Security Administration lawyer Carla Martin had a significant impact on the case. Rumor has it that the TSA is in talks to replace Martin with IU's own Mike Davis -- whose coaching has never been known for its significant impact on anything.\n• Tuesday: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducted its 2006 class, including Black Sabbath, Blondie, the Sex Pistols and Miles Davis. Unfortunately, according to Rolling Stone, Ozzy Osbourne declined to perform claiming, "my balls hurt." Upon reading this, Kevin Federline took to wearing a cup. \n• Wednesday: Researchers from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center released findings that capacin, the chemical that makes hot peppers hot, might also fight prostate cancer -- thus opening the possibility for a fraternal initiation ceremony that is both unspeakably disgusting and good for you. \n• Thursday: The Internet erupted with outrage as news spread that Bill Gates, in a March 15 speech to The World Leaders Forum, mocked a Google-sponsored project to produce $100 laptops for use by children in the world's poorest countries -- taking particular aim at their hand-cranked power source and lack of broadband access. Gates, however, defended his remarks, citing the example of Nigeria -- a very poor nation, whose citizens, nonetheless, clearly have ready e-mail access (not to mention riches to move out of the country, if, by God's grace, you could please provide your bank account number...). \n• Friday: St. Patrick's Day, when the nation celebrates 2,000 years of Irish culture and 150-plus years of Irish-American achievement -- in the form of leprechauns and green beer. This humble writer would say more about the day, but, frankly, can't remember much of it.\nNow, aren't you glad you're back? How could spring break possibly compare to such excitement?
(03/06/06 5:35am)
Yay! Spring break! Woo-hoo!\nWhat's that? It doesn't start for another week? No! Oh NO!\nFor the love of God, have mercy! Haven't we learned enough? There's been eight weeks of class already this semester! Some animals' lifespans don't last eight weeks. \nC'mon, let us take off early. Even Pharaoh freed the Israelites. Well, OK, the Israelites were escaping slave labor and there were plagues and stuff. But, there was sand involved. And if you'd just let us go, there could be sand involved too -- and waves, and sunbathing and bikinis. Like Charlton Heston says in that movie where he has a beard but doesn't fight apes: "Let my people go!"\nWeren't you folks ever young? Haven't you ever wanted to have a good time? Don't you know what it could be like? Haven't you ever watched MTV? We could be down at the beach house right now watching fourth-rate shock comics emcee gross-out competitions and pretending to enjoy Young Jeezy's stylin's. And that's just for the pretty, brainless, wealthy, well-connected ones among us. The rest of us could be off in some place with cheap drinks and lax local law enforcement, engaging in hijinks. Hijinks, I tell you! Like handcuffing drunken buddies to inflatable sheep, or crashing golf carts into swimming pools, or trying to outrun patrol boats off the coast of Cuba, or videotaping ourselves skiing the Matterhorn naked, or doing those extreme sports we saw on TV -- the ones they told us not to \nattempt!\nWe could be off doing service work or something -- like going to Costa Rica (beaches) to build hospitals (beaches) and orphanages (beaches) for disabled children (beaches). Why, just think of all the good that could be done if you let us off for spring break early! Many small countries depend on the money from spring break just to survive! The Bahamas is expecting 15,000 tourists alone (Bahama Journal, March 3). Let us take off a week early, and that'll be a whole week's worth of extra revenue to help the Bahamian economy. And if you don't think that'd make a difference, just look at Haiti. No spring breakers in Haiti -- and look how that has turned out!\nAnd everyone knows that spring break already began with Mardi Gras, anyway. It's tradition. It goes back to medieval times. In fact, it's a religious devotion. And it's patriotic -- what with trying to rebuild New Orleans and all. It's part of your civic duty. Put simply -- if you love this country, you'll let us take off early. And, if you don't -- well, you might as well move to Russia or something.\nWhat's more, we need this experience. College isn't supposed to just teach you about textbooks -- it's also supposed to teach you about life. And we need this to, you know, grow as people -- and totally find ourselves. Because we're the future. \nAnd I'm telling you right now -- the future wants to get drunk and go \ntopless.
(02/27/06 4:42am)
So, IU-Bloomington, I read in Thursday's Indiana Daily Student that you're looking to raise your admissions standards. Good for you! Really -- there's nothing worse than going out and hooking up with the first high school senior who gives you the eye, only to regret it in the morning. Too much of that can ruin your reputation. Next thing you know, you're picking up sailors in waterfront bars -- like Ohio State. \nNo, you need someone who won't just tell you that you've got hot programs, but someone who really respects you as a university. As Dr. Phil might say: "You don't need marmalade to make a squirrel dance the flamenco." OK, I don't know what that means either -- but you get the idea. \nBut it can be a tough scene. According to a Voice of America report, there are "2,618 accredited four-year colleges and universities" in the United States -- and they're all on the make. If you want to find that special someone, do what lonely columnists ... er people ... all over the world do: Put up a profile on the Web. I'll get you started:\nAbout us: Single Midwestern State University seeks several thousand fulfilling long-term relationships (How long? Like an elephant, the IU Foundation never, ever forgets). Must be into (academic) discipline, limestone decorating schemes, increasingly complex Web-based registration, cream and crimson, one-way streets, wearing things with "Indiana" printed across your butt, watching libraries gradually sink toward the core of the earth (very gradually). Recently visited by Playboy. Voted totally hot by Newsweek (August 22, 2005).\nBody type: Student.\nOrientation: June through July.\nEthnicity: As diverse as we can possibly make it, given we're in the middle of rural-bloody-Indiana.\nReligion: Not if we want state funding.\nZodiac sign: State Route 37, next exit.\nTurn-ons: Accreditation, rich alumni, bicycle shorts, published articles, grants, the life sciences, Steak & Shake, inventing new layers of bureaucracy, walks through the woods, big unions, taking every opportunity to mention how much Purdue sucks. By the way, Purdue -- you suck.\nTurn-offs: Losing at basketball, hazing, losing at basketball, state budget cuts, losing at basketball, faculty turnover, losing at basketball, change, losing at basketball, anthropomorphic mascots, losing at basketball, having our name nicked by Indiana University of Pennsylvania (lamers!) -- and, last but not least, LOSING AT BASKETBALL.\nFavorite movies: "Hoosiers," "Breaking Away," "Kinsey." In the latter, we even had a credited role -- under our stage name: "University of Indiana."\nFavorite music: We have a soft spot for John Mellencamp, of course. Except his albums before 1982's American Fool -- no one's spot is that soft. \nHeroes: Herman B Wells ... and, fine, OK -- a certain legendary basketball coach with whom we sorta had a nasty breakup. Oh, Bobby, Bobby ...\nAnyway, I'll leave you to fill in the rest. Just remember -- there's plenty of fish in the sea ... with a B average who graduated in the top 40 percent of their class.
(02/20/06 4:34am)
Two weeks ago, the best radio station I've ever heard announced that if it cannot find enough subscribers by March 6, it might shut down forever. \nWOXY.com is an independent, Internet-based station that plays modern rock like '60s FM radio used to play modern rock -- like MTV in the '80s used to play modern rock. In short, its disc jockeys (not computers) spend every day bursting the boomer-promoted myth that music today doesn't hold a candle to the "good old days." I'd hazard a guess that it introduces more new artists in two hours than MTV does in a week (or, would, if it still showed music videos). \nBut despite offering an exceptional service, WOXY is scrambling for survival, thanks to bandwidth costs and licensing fees. Incredibly, whereas major record labels will go so far as bribe music directors to play their music on terrestrial radio (you'll see a Sony logo next to payola in the dictionary), they actually charge Internet radio stations to play their music. \nFolks, there's a war on for the very heart of our culture. And you and I are losing -- because most people are too distracted, or resigned, or ignorant, or apathetic; or, worst of all, too content with letting someone else call the shots for them.\nI'm not talking about some grand global conflict of ideologies, or even squabbles between America's political right, left, and middle. No, I'm talking about the steady drive media conglomerates, major software firms, the Federal Communications Commission and others are making toward exercising tighter control over digital media -- which, in the 21st century, means all media.\nNo -- no need for the tinfoil headgear. This is no conspiracy theory, not unless extraterrestrials are secretly running the Recording Industry Association of America (although this would help explain the Grammys). The problem is that fear regarding the easy distribution and reproduction of digitized material (say, music) has led the industries to want to control every aspect of how you use their \nproduct.\nWhen they went after filesharers, this seemed reasonable -- people were downloading entire catalogs of music without paying for it. And artists gotta eat -- I don't need emaciated drummers on my front lawn. When they went after samplers, this too made some sense. It's one thing to use a sample of someone else's music purely for art's sake; it's another to make money off it without cutting them a piece of the pie. But then Sony hid computer-compromising rootkits in their CDs. And now, the Electronic Frontier Foundation -- a digital copyright consumer group -- is warning that the RIAA has argued that people do not have the right to rip CDs to their computers or iPods. \nWhere will it end?\nPostscript: If you want to join the good fight, WOXY's address is www.woxy.com. Membership is $9.95 a month, but on the message boards you'll find fans who'll sponsor your first month to try it out no strings attached (check the "adapt-a-listener" thread).
(02/13/06 5:06am)
I don't know if these columns leave any impression beyond the final sentence. But, if so, you might have noted that every year I write something snarky about Valentine's Day -- something bitter, mean-spirited, nowhere near "in the spirit of things" ...\nWell, I just want to say: Not this year. Nope.\nFor example, I won't write about how it's a big scheme by florists, candy-makers and jewelers to make single people feel inadequate and bleed people in relationships dry. I mean, if I happened to know that, according to price-indexes for 14 cities calculated by Internet-dating Web site www.Dateable.com, the average date costs about $95 -- I wouldn't use it. Nor would I employ a Discover Card survey's findings that Valentine's Day costs women an average of $74 and men pony up, on-balance, about $127. \nAnd it would be downright awful of me to say something about how I'm convinced that not only will you end up paying for dinner this Valentine's, but also that your date will surprise you by ordering lobster thermidor -- despite its not being on the menu. Or about how the flowers will turn out to be sprayed with a pesticide that makes you break out in hives. Or how the milk chocolates are mixed with the tears of Colombian villagers forced to make them for the narco-terrorist group FARC as part of a complex money-laundering scheme -- the ultimate purpose of which is to buy plague bombs. \nThat wouldn't do at all.\nIt would also be unromantic of me to bring up the American Social Health Association's estimate that over 65 million Americans are infected with a viral sexually transmitted disease. Or that ASHA reports that "less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS" or its claim that "one in two sexually active persons will contract an STD by age 25." And it would be downright wrong of me to worry that your date is looking a bit green around the gills. I mean -- is it just me, or is that nose looking a little droopy? Like it might fall off due to advanced syphilis? No, I'm sure it's nothing.\nAnd you wouldn't want to hear about how half of all marriages end in divorce. Especially since I predict that you and your spouse will be together forever. At least until they meet that pool boy. No, sex and orientation don't matter -- I definitely foresee hoses and nets and chlorine. And I'm not talking about the work on the pool. And I won't mention their beach-front villa in Costa Rica. Or that their lawyers leave you eating out of dog food tins.\nFinally, it would be wrong to point out that the Romans probably killed St. Valentine in some horribly brutal fashion and that Cupid looks like a pedophile's fever-dream.\nNo, I'll simply say this: \nHave a Happy Valentine's Day.
(01/30/06 5:12am)
1.3 billion.\nLet your eyes linger on that number. Touch it. Taste it. Roll around in it. Not doing anything for you? Oh well. \nTo international companies, that number is intoxicating -- it's corporate catnip. They see that number listed as the population of China, then see China's roughly 10 percent rate of annual economic growth -- and suddenly everything goes soft-focus. And harps play. And they know (KNOW!) they must do anything to get in that market. \nNo matter that China's lax copyright enforcement allows local competitors to pirate their products with impunity (while you and I endure increasingly shrill anti-piracy ads on our DVDs). No matter that they're forced into dubious joint-ownership deals with local firms -- some of which are owned by the Red army. \nNo matter that China's badly underdeveloped infrastructure prevents their goods from reaching consumers, or that shoddy local suppliers undermine the goods' quality, or that they have to bridge perilously large cultural differences in order to successfully market those goods. (As one classic story goes: In attempting to translate "finger-lickin' good" into Chinese, KFC instead told potential customers "eat your fingers off.")\nNo matter that petty bureaucrats stick them up for bribes, or that they come in for arbitrary punishment at the central government's whim. And no matter that they have to shell out boatloads of cash in the hope that, if they just hold out long enough, they'll outlast their competitors. No, the prize is too great. We're talking about a 1.3 billion-person market!\nAnd, so, to better compete against its rivals for China's rapidly growing search engine market, Web-titan Google has placed the servers for its new Chinese portal, www.google.cn, in the People's Republic. On the plus side, this means Google can conduct faster searches for local consumers. On the minus side: the servers are now under the jurisdiction of one of earth's most repressive governments -- and Google has agreed to prevent subjects such as "democracy" and "Dalai Lama" from offending its customers' delicate eyes.\nGoogle isn't alone in capitulating to Communist Party demands -- nor has it provided the most malicious example. Microsoft agreed to block bloggers' posts in accordance with Beijing's wishes, and Yahoo! actually shopped a human-rights activist to the authorities (he's now serving 10 years for e-mailing info on internal government discussions about the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre). Google isn't offering blogging or e-mail on the Chinese servers, and it's at least notifying people when pages have been censored.\nBut that seems like cold comfort from the company that popularized "don't be evil" as its standard -- and such a depressing betrayal of the nature of the internet. \nHere on a college campus, you'll find many people who believe that business is only about making money -- who don't understand that it's also about fulfilling individuals' visions, and innovation, and finding a purpose, and loyalty, and public service, and, ethics. Sadly, Google isn't proving them wrong.
(11/21/05 4:32pm)
Thanksgiving is approaching -- but the country doesn't seem to be in the spirit. Sure, we're all looking forward to stuffing ourselves and engaging in Mad Max-esque road rage -- but aren't we forgetting the deeper purpose?\nUpon establishing the official celebration in 1863, Abraham Lincoln wrote: "The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added ... (Thus) it has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People."\nBut he only had to deal with the Civil War -- that's nothing compared to the problems we face today. Terrorism, avian flu, natural disasters, missing white girls ... This would seem the perfect time to try to look on the bright side and count what blessings we do have. \nWe as Americans, however, are badly divided. We need something to bring us together -- a national project, like JFK's 1962 challenge to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. But space exploration is so passé. We need a different type of project -- one that solves a vital social problem. Therefore, allow me to make a humble suggestion:\nLast week, Montana held its first buffalo hunt in 15 years. A controversial decision, but necessary. The buffalo might be few, but being much smarter than cows, they threaten to lead the bovines in a Marxist-style ruminant revolution, like that George Orwell book where the animals take over the farm -- you know, "Green Acres." Anyway, this worthy effort faces a crucial problem: As we all know, killing a buffalo is only acceptable if you use every part. \nThus, I am calling for a crash program to develop technology and techniques capable of meeting the challenge of barbecuing a whole buffalo. Personally, I suspect the greatest hurdle is not the technology -- according to my estimates, in 10 years NASA could build a large enough slow-cooker for a mere $1.2 billion. No, it lies in devising the best recipes. How do you ensure the buffalo is tender, yet still juicy? Do you use a sauce or a dry rub? If a sauce, should it be tomato, mustard or vinegar based -- or something else? What combination of spices work best for buffalo?\nI admit that such a project might aggravate regional differences, bringing, say, Texans, Kansans, Tennesseans, Illinoisans, Louisianans, Missourians and others into conflict. And, yet, what better opportunity to celebrate our cultural diversity? For our nation is a great melting-pot of barbecue traditions. \nSure, there are other, lesser issues confronting us -- but we cannot allow ourselves to be distracted. Now is the time for bold action. Bold, smoky, barbecue-coated action.
(06/14/05 1:40am)
Last week, Philadelphia public school officials announced that all district students will be required to take a course in African and African-American history. And, incredible as this might seem, the decision is generating a bit of controversy. \nCritics argue that the requirement is insensitive to other racial and ethnic groups (the district is two-thirds black) while supporters assert that it is needed to correct a long-standing gap in the history curriculum (CNN.com, June 9). \nI suspect the level of sensitivity will depend on the course's execution. I can see some teachers taking the opportunity to promote greater cultural understanding and discussion, while others use it as an excuse to treat some poor white 15-year-old like he's accountable for the evils of 17th century Dutch slave traders.\nBut a better question is: If the practice of requiring courses on racial or ethnic history spreads beyond Philly, what will it mean for the country as a whole? Aye, there's the rub.\nIt could be beneficial. This may sound like a university administration-esque cliché, but the fact is that multiculturalism is one of America's greatest strengths. We have become adept at reconciling our individual, ancestral heritage to our sense of common national identity. Europeans may make fun of us for being hyphenated citizens -- "You cannot be Italian-American," the lecture goes, "You are either Italian or American, not both!" \nBut just ask a German of Turkish ancestry, a French-person of North African ancestry, or a Briton of Pakistani ancestry whether they are treated like full German, French or British citizens. Handled correctly, learning about the diverse traditions of one's fellow citizens could both broaden students' horizons and reinforce their larger sense of community.\nThe problem is: will the teaching of racial and ethnic histories be done correctly? Seeing how well the American public education system handles other subjects, I'm not brimming with confidence. We are all familiar with the annual studies ranking American students somewhere between Togo and Tuvalu in math and science scores, but what about history? Allow me to employ an unscientific, but illustrative example.\nThe Discovery Channel has begun a four-part series, "Greatest American," in which a pool of nominees will be whittled down week by week until the greatest figure in American history is determined. The top 100 Americans, selected by voters on AOL, include such revered figures as Barbara and Laura Bush, Hilary Clinton, Tom Cruise, Ellen DeGeneres, John Edwards, Mel Gibson, Billy Graham, Michael Jackson, Jackie Kennedy Onasis, Rush Limbaugh, Madonna, Dr. Phil, Michael Moore, Barack Obama, Martha Stewart, and Oprah Winfrey. Not included? John Adams, Frank Capra, John Ford, Ulysses S. Grant, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Ernest Hemingway, Jimi Hendrix, Jack Kerouac, James Madison, Edgar Allen Poe, Andy Warhol and Frank Lloyd Wright, among others. In short, the selection of nominees is so profoundly stupid that even the show's host, Matt Lauer, could not avoid mocking it on Thursday's Daily Show.\nSigh. \nLet the ethnic conflict commence.
(04/25/05 4:26am)
Last week, I received a letter from Milton Friedman. Not a personal letter, unfortunately -- no "Brian, How's it hanging? Best, Milty" -- just a mass mailing. Still, I was pretty jazzed. \nAnd what did Milton Friedman -- father of monetarism, founder (after Hayek) of neo-liberal economics, Nobel Prize winner, adviser to Nixon and Reagan, shaper of the economic policy that brought America out of stagflation and into the 21st century with the world's third-highest per capita income (after Luxembourg), one of the lowest unemployment levels of all industrialized countries and an inflation rate of just 1.6 percent in 2002 ("CIA World Factbook") -- what did THAT Milton Friedman want of me?\nHe wanted me to help legalize pot.\nWell, not precisely. The message asked its recipients to sign an open letter supporting a study by Boston University Professor Jeffrey Miron titled "The Budgetary Implications of Marijuana Prohibition in the United States" which, to quote, "finds that replacing marijuana prohibition with a system of taxation and regulation would save the United States $7.7 billion per year and might generate as much as $6.2 billion annually in tax revenue." The effort is being coordinated by a group called the Marijuana Policy Project, which is seeking to gather up a host of economists -- and, apparently, at least one half-whacked political scientist -- to start an "open and honest debate about this issue." Milton's its celebrity spokesperson.\nYou might be saying, "I thought he was a conservative!" But the association of Milton Friedman with marijuana legalization is nothing new -- he has supported a variety of libertarian causes. However, it does say something about the political right in terms of its perception and its future.\nMilton is not alone on the right, supporting socially liberal policies. William F. Buckley, too, has advocated marijuana legalization (National Review, June 29, 2004). Michele Zipp, Playgirl editor-in-chief, came out of the closet as a Republican in March -- and claims to have been fired for it two weeks later (Drudge Report, March 21). And Arthur Finkelstein, veteran Republican campaign adviser, married his male partner in a civil ceremony three weeks ago (New York Times, April 9). These are hardly model examples of conservative orthodoxy.\nThe Republican Party is going to have to take this into account.\nAt the moment, with the presidency and two congressional majorities, the GOP is riding high (no pun intended -- OK, a little pun), but its 2004 victories were the result of a vigorous effort at alliance-building. In the Republican Convention, moderates John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Arnold Schwarzenegger were marshaled to deliver a very clear message: Republicans -- libertarians, moderates, conservatives, religious right -- may disagree on many things, but they must unite to support the government's campaign against terrorism and its state sponsors. \nDemocrats faced the same challenge in aligning their factions behind Kerry, and they had, perhaps, an easier message to sell ("He's not Bush"). But Kerry failed to capitalize on it and tried to pitch to both liberals and moderates simultaneously, often contradicting himself. Meanwhile Bush used the GOP's common cause successfully to ensure moderate support while offering goodies to the religious right. \nThis worked through Super Tuesday, but now that they are in power, many of the GOP's representatives seem to forget they're heading a coalition -- not a homogeneously conservative party -- and from Schiavo to censorship, they are spending moderates' goodwill faster than virtual poker chips. Someone should warn them they'll need nonconservatives again in 2006, not to mention 2008.\nBut, as for me, I have to go. \nMilton called. He needs a ride to Taco Bell.
(04/18/05 4:32am)
In the aftermath of the Terri Schiavo legal battle, a coalition of conservative political figures called the Judeo-Christian Council for Constitutional Restoration is demanding major reforms of the U.S. federal judiciary, even up to the level of the Supreme Court. These reforms include "withdrawing the courts' jurisdiction over all cases related to the acknowledgment of God or to the protection of marriage ... impeaching judges that substitute 'their own views for the original meaning of the Constitution,' or base a decision on foreign law; and ... reducing or eliminating funding for the federal courts when judges 'overstep their constitutional authority'" (Christian Science Monitor, April 13). \nFurthermore, the Judeo-Christian Council appears to have serious political muscle. According to The Washington Post (April 9), their April 7 and 8 conference on "Confronting the Judicial War on Faith," had a guest-list including "two House members; aides to two senators; representatives from the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America; conservative activists Alan Keyes and Morton C. Blackwell; the lawyer for Terri Schiavo's parents; Alabama's 'Ten Commandments' judge Roy Moore; and (House Majority Leader Tom) DeLay, who canceled to attend the pope's funeral."\nHardly one to miss the chance to join such an august bandwagon, I thought I, myself, would take the opportunity to advance a few modest proposals for reforming the federal judiciary. Here are my recommendations:\n• Make judges accountable. Practices such as the lifetime appointment of Supreme Court justices, intended to shield them from political pressures, risk making them unresponsive to public opinion and ... well... political pressures. Term limits and direct election are possible remedies, but, really, they don't go far enough. Instead, we must closely examine how these courts are serving their country. To start, those arguing before federal courts should receive cards asking "Were you pleased with the quality of deliberation you received today?" on which they can check "very pleased," "somewhat pleased," "somewhat displeased," or "very displeased." Too many "very displeased" comments? Sounds like grounds for impeachment to me.\n• Bring the judiciary to the people. In the U.S. Federal Court System, there are only 95 district courts, 12 circuit courts of appeals, and one Supreme Court for the entire country! Clearly, this is not enough. There should be at least one federal court in every community -- maybe two or three. Heck, one on every street corner. I shouldn't have to drive halfway across town just to get a hearing.\n• How to fund the federal judiciary. Why do people like you and me have to pay for these courts out of our tax dollars? Chances are you'll never use one -- unless you want to keep appealing that citation for public intoxication and lewd conduct with a marine animal. So, why not just bill the people going before them? In fact, the government could make a bundle on the franchise rights alone. Imagine: In exchange for an initial investment, you get an official seal, federal court stationary, employee handbooks, etc. \nThe U.S. federal court system has tremendous brand value, and, obviously, we're failing to leverage it to its full potential.\n• Make the judiciary user-friendly. We've all seen courtrooms -- those long rows of wooden folding chairs, all turned toward the bench like an auditorium from hell. Try this instead: what if we put in comfy armchairs, and arrange them in small groups around coffee tables, and throw in some magazines or books or board games? Even install free Wi-Fi access? Why, that wouldn't be so bad, would it? There's too much stress in our lives already; court should be a place where you can just hang out all day and relax.\nAnd if they served iced mocha lattés? Well, that would be just brilliant.
(04/11/05 6:56am)
Somehow, I keep getting other people's e-mails. I really need to talk to University Information Technology Services about this. \nFrom: Agent Rand 238\nTo: Chairman and CEO, Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy\nSubject: Success on the Bloomington front.\nMr. Chairman, it is my pleasure to report that our latest operation has been a complete success. But, first, allow me to congratulate you on the brilliance of "Operation: Seppuku." A decade ago, who would have believed that the American left would so happily rush to undermine itself? And yet, with the right rhetorical nudge from time to time, we have moved so many self-proclaimed liberals to abandon their own long-cherished values, for what? Another chance to re-live the 70's by marching around with placards? A superficial sense of moral superiority? An opportunity to get a Democrat -- any Democrat -- into the White House, no matter what they believe in (if anything)? \nThe results have been extraordinary. Let us count off our recent successes: pushing the left to surrender the vast middle of the United States, including former strongholds in the South, by convincing it to write off this area as "Red States," "Fly-Over Country" or "Jesusland"; leading liberals into junking their support for the rural poor by encouraging them to disdain such people as "white trash" for watching NASCAR and shopping at Wal-Mart; getting the left to oppose reform of the United Nations, and thereby, actually supporting the authority of the corrupt and powerful, just by having Republicans criticize the organization; and -- the piéce de résistance -- fostering a hatred of George W. Bush SO GREAT, that liberals find themselves rooting AGAINST the successful spread of democracy and human rights, just to see him fail in something. \nWhy, in this last election, we had the left demanding fiscal responsibility! \nBefore long, Trent Lott will be heading the NAACP, and Greenpeace will draft Tom DeLay to captain Rainbow Warrior II.\nToday, I am very happy to report that we have met with no less success on the campus front. On March 29, The Washington Post reported that 72 percent of college faculty members are liberal, while only 15 percent are conservative, according to a study conducted by professors at George Mason University, Smith College and the University of Toronto. This article went on to raise questions over whether such homogeneity in political beliefs may restrict diversity of opinion, the power of intellectual debate or the freedom of expression on campus. As if on cue, and much to our delight, campus leftists set about proving that this was, in fact, the case.\nOn March 28, editor of the Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol was hit by a pie during a speech at Earlham College (New York Times, March 31). March 29, protestors attempted to shout down conservative pundit Ann Coulter at Kansas University (Lawrence Journal-World, March 30). On March 31, during a question and answer session, Pat Buchanan was doused with salad dressing at Western Michigan University (New York Times, April 2). And, in an epic and joyously pyrrhic climax, the chief proponent of the idea that the freedom of speech on campus has become so restricted as to require government regulation, David Horowitz, was first hit with a pie at Butler University (Indianapolis Star, April 6), then subject to another attempted silencing at Indiana University (Indiana Daily Student, April 8). \nThe message, indeed, was clear: If you don't hold liberal beliefs, shut up and stay away. The fact that those liberal beliefs once included freedom of speech was completely forgotten. \nMy God, the irony is delicious. What more proof could state legislators need to intervene in college curricula? At this rate, we should have the departments of creationism in place by fall 2005.
(03/28/05 4:12am)
Today, I want to bring your attention to a dire and growing problem -- a dirty secret few others have been willing to speak out about. Indeed, a viper nesting at the very heart of this nation's infotainment community.\nLast week, media attention was focused on the House Government Reform Committee's calling forth figures from Major League Baseball to testify about allegations of rampant steroid use among players. But while Congress is taking decisive, pragmatic, non-partisan action on the critical issue of drugs in sports, it has ignored a far more sinister development. \nI speak of the growing use of PEDs -- punditry enhancing drugs.\nAcross the country, from the mean streets of Cambridge, Mass., and Washington, D.C.'s Embassy Row, to the ghettos of South-Central Manhattan, kids are watching "Crossfire" and reading The New York Times Op-Ed page and dreaming about being the next Robert Novak or Paul Krugman, the next Maureen Dowd or Bill O'Reilly. Every day, they practice and struggle. Long hours are spent tightening their rhetoric, sharpening their prose, hoping for a scholarship to a university with a top-flight debating society or model U.N. club -- some place they might be spotted by recruiters from "Hannity and Colmes" or The Washington Post, given their shot at the big leagues. \nOh, how to tell these kids that all their hard work -- the fingers calloused by constant typing, the strained vocal chords might come to naught? How to tell them that they'll face competition from people who, rather than putting in the same time and effort, get their punditry from a pill or syringe?\nIt's not hard to see where the temptation to use drugs comes from. Professional punditry has become a high stakes, big-money business. The right column, the right sound-byte, can mean the difference between a multi-million dollar endorsement deal from Bic Pens or a trip back to the minors. And even when one manages to make it, there's the need to balance the fame, the fans, the life in public with the requirement to perform every single week -- daily, in some cases.\nBut the long-term consequences are devastating. One need only look at the current state of former members of East Germany's world-champion women's punditry team. From 1982 to 1988, the "Iron Columnists" took the world by storm, rolling over all competitors in their path, held up as living testaments to the superiority of socialist punditry. Today, team captain Olga Volksparteien has to live in a sound-proof environment, compelled to talk over anything she hears. First-string defensewoman Ulrike Machtwort stares endlessly at her typewriter, waiting for scandal from a government that no longer exists. Helga Wirtschaftswunder has gone from rookie sensation to permanent residence in the Thuringia Institute for the Criminally Insane after kidnapping four people, binding them to a round table and forcing them to endure 36 hours of moderated debate. And these are just the survivors.\nOther possible symptoms of PED-use include:\n• "Chihuahuaitis": the need to provide a rapid-fire counter-argument to any sudden sound.\n• "Party-line syndrome": the tendency to argue in favor of any document one is handed, regardless of political merit -- from menus to birthday cards to Democratic National Convention talking points.\n• "Alignment dysfunction": an inability to talk to others without automatically drifting toward their left or right.\n• "Tucker's disease": a preference for questionable attire such as bow- or stars-and-stripes-themed ties, flip-flops, pith helmets, kilts or monocles.\n• And shrunken testicles. Or enlarged testicles. Or testicles that swirl hypnotically, like belly-dancers.\nTogether, we have to stop this scourge. Call your senator or representative and demand they begin an investigation.\nWhat? What about me, you ask? \nI use only natural, traditional supplements. Things like caffeine, vodka and lamb's blood. \nYou know, punditry as nature intended.
(03/21/05 4:25am)
Do you like Top 40 radio? Or American Idol? Or MTV's Total Request Live?\nYou do? Good! Now bugger off back to your pod. I'm here to talk to the humans.\nFolks, rock and roll -- America's greatest contribution to humanity besides 30-minute pizza delivery and representative democracy -- is under siege. \nOf course, rock's epitaph has been written many times. In 1955, Variety magazine declared that rock "will be gone by June." But the extent of rock's crisis has grown to shocking proportions. On Mar. 8, Rolling Stone reported that rock radio's audience has decreased 20 percent during the past six years. Meanwhile, in the last six months, major stations have closed in Washington, D.C., Miami and Houston -- with NYC's K-Rock threatening to change formats in 2006. On the same day, www.CNN.com reported the birthplace of punk, New York club CBGB, might close this August over unpaid rent.\nNo, there's nothing new about rock being in trouble. However, what's different is that now, for a change, it's worth saving. And if you don't take things into your own hands, you'll never hear it to know.\nDespite being, possibly, the single most ancient being writing for this publication, I'm not given to nostalgia. Nevertheless, I do remember when MTV showed videos, when radio stations played stuff other than Usher re-mixes and when grunge threw the music industry into a period of experimentation. There were plenty of mistakes, but -- at the risk of sounding like some fossilized hippie -- rock did have meaning in one's life. \nThen, the mid-90s through early noughties arrived -- dominated by nu-metal meat-machines, crypto-Christian Pearl Jam-rip-off artists, vat-grown third-rate pop-punk Green Day clones and Kid Rock, the thing from beyond the double-wide. Formula ruled. Much of what got airplay was as enjoyable as a big swig of boiled bollocks. No wonder you kids fled to hip-hop or country like they were the only forms of music. As for those of you who fled to Britney Spears and 'NSync -- I thought I told you to go back to your pods.\nYet, while horror ruled the airwaves, something magical also happened: The Internet booted the music industry square in the huevos. Sure, file-sharing wasn't viable -- what can you do? True, musicians gotta eat, but it led to a proliferation of alternative sources of info. And just as the net began threatening the dictatorial regimes of Iran and North Korea, it began threatening the dictatorial regimes of MTV and Clear Channel. Exciting new sounds began to seep out. \nI won't try to tell you what bands or genres to listen to -- that's a job for our Weekend crew. Besides, I'm not hip. I mean, God, I write a newspaper column. \nBut, here are some tips on finding stuff to your taste:\nMusical databases: www.Allmusic.com has an extensive database of bands albums, and songs, complete with reviews, histories and links to predecessors and contemporaries. Start with a band you like, then follow the links. www.Metacritic.com aggregates musical reviews into a 0-100 rating scale -- great for sorting gassers from stinkers. \nInternet radio: www.pandia.com and and www.radio-locator.com are searchable databases of online ratio stations, but if you have iTunes, just check its "radio" folder. My favorite is www.WOXY.com out of Oxford, Ohio.\nPod-casts: Normal people -- well, non-professionals -- creating their own radio programs through downloadable mp3s. Visit www.podcast.net for options.\nThe rock is out there: Meaningful rock, rock that makes you feel cool, rock that says what you always wanted to say, rock that lets you know you're not alone on this spinning mudball. You just have to find it for yourself. And hasn't that always been the point, anyway?
(03/07/05 4:26am)
From outrage over University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill's comments about the Sept. 11 attacks, to Students for Academic Freedom's campaign for an Academic Bill of Rights, academic freedom has become a pressing issue here in the hallowed halls. To discuss this, I have invited back distinguished expert in social phenomena Dr. Nick Scratch, from the University of Malebolge, Eighth Circle Campus.\nMcFillen: Welcome back, Dr. Scratch, and congratulations on being awarded the Flylord Chair in American Studies.\nDr. Scratch: Ah, thank you. And thank you for summoning me up here, I always relish the opportunity to talk to you mortals -- ahem, your readers.\nMcF: Controversy has surrounded Churchill ever since he wrote in "'Some People Push Back': On The Justice of Roosting Chickens" that the killing of financial traders in the World Trade Center attacks was justified due to "little Eichmanns" fueling the global capitalist economy. Now, Dr. Scratch, you have been a defender of Churchill from the beginning -- if you would, please, explain your stance to the readers.\nDr. S: Happy to. It's important that we get these ideas out there for people to talk about and consider. It comes down to universities' core purpose -- what they have to give to society.\nMcF: So, you're saying that by challenging accepted ideas -- even in ways some find offensive -- academic freedom stimulates new lines of thinking? That it keeps society from becoming rigid and stagnant?\nDr. S: Eh, well, sort of.\nMcF: Oh, uh, so you mean academic freedom, by exposing abhorrent ideas to public scrutiny through the open forum of the university, allows them to be properly challenged?\nDr. S: Not really, no.\nMcF: Um, OK, what do you mean?\nDr. S: It's simple, my dear boy. The whole furor demonstrates the desire of the authorities to foist their values on a dull, sheepish public. To conceal what only a few of us know is the truth.\nMcF: I'm afraid I don't follow.\nDr. S: Look at what has been happening with the Middle East and Asian Languages and Cultures Department at Columbia University.\nMcF: Oh, you mean the student and faculty charges against the department for espousing anti-semitism and intimidating dissenters?\nDr. S: Now, what kind of characterization is that? My lad, brush the scales from your eyes -- again, you're just seeing what those in control want you to see. There's brilliant work going on in that department, but it's not getting through to most people.\nMcF: I don't understand.\nDr. S: There's a vast conspiracy afoot.\nMcF: A conspiracy?\nDr. S: Yes, to lock your tiny monkey brain into a bourgeois, culturally-biased mind-set. Look at this recent case with the judge's family members being killed.\nMcF: You mean the judge whose husband and mother were murdered by white supremacists?\nDr. S: That's what they want you to think. You know how these murder mysteries work; it's always the person you least expect. Well, or the butler ... but that's so cliché.\nMcF: Wait --\nDr. S: No, my friend -- government, religious leaders, parents, community organizations -- they want you to think if you don't like some groups, you just have to live with them. But many of us -- myself, Churchill, the gang at Columbia -- we know better.\nMcF: You don't mean --\nDr. S: I mean where will it end? Next, they'll say you can't kill someone for cutting you off in traffic, or for entering the grocery store express line with 16 items or taking the last slice of pizza. It's madness!\nMcF: But that's horrible!\nDr. S: See, that's just the old mind-set again. Besides, my dean at Malebolge U. wants to keep up the enrollment numbers.
(02/28/05 4:54am)
Welcome brothers and sisters! \nHere at the Church of the All-Seeing Column, we're not like other churches. We don't deal in forgiveness or spiritual enlightenment, divine love or community spirit. \nNo, we believe in the old ways -- the best ways: pillars of salt, eyeballs plucked out by eagles, an eternity in the Hell of Flaming Goat Intestines. The ways of divine retribution.\nAnd today, in celebration of the feast of St. Choloric, holy patron of caffeine and road rage, we're doing our part for the sake of righteous justice.\nThat's right. We're handing out curses.\nThe accused: Congress members holding junkets for lobbyists\nAccused of: Adopting an approach to fund raising so shameless, it could be eating bugs on reality TV. \nIn a reversal of tradition, rather than lobbyists taking politicians out to posh resorts, some Congress members are now inviting lobbyists out on retreats in exchange for dinero. According to The Associated Press on Wednesday, Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Oregon) "has sent invitations for a $5,000-per-ticket golf tournament ... at the Bandon Dunes Golf Course in Oregon," while Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) "held a fund-raising 'ski-fest' (the weekend before last) at Sun Valley for $2,500 a person." And it's bipartisan, with Rep. Ben Chandler (D-Kentucky), Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) and the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee are organizing their own retreats.\nCurse: May your ski resorts, golf courses and whatnots be subject to infestations of squirrels -- rare Patagonian squirrels who prepare for winter by storing acorns in the rectums of Congress members.\nThe accused: Groups that give celebrities a fortune in swag, and the celebs who pursue them.\nAccused of: Conspicuous consumption decadent enough to make a hardened capitalist murmur about Marxian revolution.\nWhile free samples for the rest of us consist of hot dog slices on toothpicks, celebrities are getting iPods, jewelry, designer clothing and spa passes for, well, being celebrities. According to Reuters News Service (Feb. 18): "This year's gift bag for presenters at the music industry's Grammy Awards included certificates for laser eye surgery, health club membership and acupuncture. Screen Actors Guild Award giveaways included a trip to a Caribbean island."\nCurse: For the gifters, may the only celebrities using your swag be Kathy Griffin and Don Knotts -- a zombie, cannibal Don Knotts with a bad case of incontinence. Kathy Griffin can stay as is.\nFor the celebrities, may the swag carry a sexually transmitted disease that makes your private parts sing all the lyrics to "Hello Dolly." Not just the songs from the 1969 film -- the FULL BOOK.\nThe accused: The Ba'ath Party of Syria\nAccused of: Oppressing the people of Syria and Lebanon, training terrorist groups in Lebanon's Bekaa Valley, supporting the terrorists currently killing Iraqi civilians and U.S. troops, spelling their name with an apostrophe when it isn't a contraction.\nCurse: May you spend every night wondering who will get you first: the Americans, your own people, the Belgians -- What, didn't know about the Belgians? Well, I wouldn't bite into any strange truffles if I were you. \nAs for your terrorist allies, may their eternal reward be 72 virgins who all look like Screech from "Saved By The Bell." Screeches with beards.\nThe accused: blink-182\nAccused of: Lowering the level of pop-punk, the genre of groups like the Buzzcocks, the Descendents and Green Day, to that of boy bands and bubblegum pop; taking up the six minutes a day that MTV2 dedicates to music other than hip-hop; creating a version of punk whose primary audience is junior high cheerleaders.\nCurse: May you -- What's that? They've gone on indefinite hiatus? Well, carry on then.\nWait up there, Good Charlotte! Where do you think you're going?\nOh yes, brothers and sisters -- so much to curse and so little time.