Seeking students

So, IU-Bloomington, I read in Thursday's Indiana Daily Student that you're looking to raise your admissions standards. Good for you! Really -- there's nothing worse than going out and hooking up with the first high school senior who gives you the eye, only to regret it in the morning. Too much of that can ruin your reputation. Next thing you know, you're picking up sailors in waterfront bars -- like Ohio State. \nNo, you need someone who won't just tell you that you've got hot programs, but someone who really respects you as a university. As Dr. Phil might say: "You don't need marmalade to make a squirrel dance the flamenco." OK, I don't know what that means either -- but you get the idea. \nBut it can be a tough scene. According to a Voice of America report, there are "2,618 accredited four-year colleges and universities" in the United States -- and they're all on the make. If you want to find that special someone, do what lonely columnists ... er people ... all over the world do: Put up a profile on the Web. I'll get you started:\nAbout us: Single Midwestern State University seeks several thousand fulfilling long-term relationships (How long? Like an elephant, the IU Foundation never, ever forgets). Must be into (academic) discipline, limestone decorating schemes, increasingly complex Web-based registration, cream and crimson, one-way streets, wearing things with "Indiana" printed across your butt, watching libraries gradually sink toward the core of the earth (very gradually). Recently visited by Playboy. Voted totally hot by Newsweek (August 22, 2005).\nBody type: Student.\nOrientation: June through July.\nEthnicity: As diverse as we can possibly make it, given we're in the middle of rural-bloody-Indiana.\nReligion: Not if we want state funding.\nZodiac sign: State Route 37, next exit.\nTurn-ons: Accreditation, rich alumni, bicycle shorts, published articles, grants, the life sciences, Steak & Shake, inventing new layers of bureaucracy, walks through the woods, big unions, taking every opportunity to mention how much Purdue sucks. By the way, Purdue -- you suck.\nTurn-offs: Losing at basketball, hazing, losing at basketball, state budget cuts, losing at basketball, faculty turnover, losing at basketball, change, losing at basketball, anthropomorphic mascots, losing at basketball, having our name nicked by Indiana University of Pennsylvania (lamers!) -- and, last but not least, LOSING AT BASKETBALL.\nFavorite movies: "Hoosiers," "Breaking Away," "Kinsey." In the latter, we even had a credited role -- under our stage name: "University of Indiana."\nFavorite music: We have a soft spot for John Mellencamp, of course. Except his albums before 1982's American Fool -- no one's spot is that soft. \nHeroes: Herman B Wells ... and, fine, OK -- a certain legendary basketball coach with whom we sorta had a nasty breakup. Oh, Bobby, Bobby ...\nAnyway, I'll leave you to fill in the rest. Just remember -- there's plenty of fish in the sea ... with a B average who graduated in the top 40 percent of their class.