Week in review

Newly back from spring break, your fertile young mind must be abuzz with questions. Did the Hoosiers win? How much work do I need to do to pass this semester? Why does it burn when I pee? And, of course, what news did I miss while I was out?\nWell, I've gathered up the past week's most important stories -- all summarized down to bite-sized news-nuggets. So, with no further ado, here's the week in review:\n• Saturday: Slobodan Milosevic -- the former Yugoslav president responsible for genocide against civilians in Bosnia, Croatia and Kosovo -- died in his cell while still on trial for war crimes. This is a sad event since it'll mean the waste of a perfectly good coffin. Unfortunately, no one builds a toilet large enough for flushing dictators. \n• Sunday: In the evening, fierce storms hit the Midwest -- killing 10 people and causing massive damage in Springfield, Ill. Wait -- Sunday evening? Springfield, Ill.? And Springfields in Missouri, Kansas and Indiana ... It's official: The Simpsons have finally PISSED OFF GOD! Jeebus have mercy!\n• Monday: The trial against al-Qaida terrorist Zacharias Moussaoui was nearly derailed when the judge ordered an inquiry into whether witness coaching by Transportation Security Administration lawyer Carla Martin had a significant impact on the case. Rumor has it that the TSA is in talks to replace Martin with IU's own Mike Davis -- whose coaching has never been known for its significant impact on anything.\n• Tuesday: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducted its 2006 class, including Black Sabbath, Blondie, the Sex Pistols and Miles Davis. Unfortunately, according to Rolling Stone, Ozzy Osbourne declined to perform claiming, "my balls hurt." Upon reading this, Kevin Federline took to wearing a cup. \n• Wednesday: Researchers from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center released findings that capacin, the chemical that makes hot peppers hot, might also fight prostate cancer -- thus opening the possibility for a fraternal initiation ceremony that is both unspeakably disgusting and good for you. \n• Thursday: The Internet erupted with outrage as news spread that Bill Gates, in a March 15 speech to The World Leaders Forum, mocked a Google-sponsored project to produce $100 laptops for use by children in the world's poorest countries -- taking particular aim at their hand-cranked power source and lack of broadband access. Gates, however, defended his remarks, citing the example of Nigeria -- a very poor nation, whose citizens, nonetheless, clearly have ready e-mail access (not to mention riches to move out of the country, if, by God's grace, you could please provide your bank account number...). \n• Friday: St. Patrick's Day, when the nation celebrates 2,000 years of Irish culture and 150-plus years of Irish-American achievement -- in the form of leprechauns and green beer. This humble writer would say more about the day, but, frankly, can't remember much of it.\nNow, aren't you glad you're back? How could spring break possibly compare to such excitement?