The devil, you say

From outrage over University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill's comments about the Sept. 11 attacks, to Students for Academic Freedom's campaign for an Academic Bill of Rights, academic freedom has become a pressing issue here in the hallowed halls. To discuss this, I have invited back distinguished expert in social phenomena Dr. Nick Scratch, from the University of Malebolge, Eighth Circle Campus.\nMcFillen: Welcome back, Dr. Scratch, and congratulations on being awarded the Flylord Chair in American Studies.\nDr. Scratch: Ah, thank you. And thank you for summoning me up here, I always relish the opportunity to talk to you mortals -- ahem, your readers.\nMcF: Controversy has surrounded Churchill ever since he wrote in "'Some People Push Back': On The Justice of Roosting Chickens" that the killing of financial traders in the World Trade Center attacks was justified due to "little Eichmanns" fueling the global capitalist economy. Now, Dr. Scratch, you have been a defender of Churchill from the beginning -- if you would, please, explain your stance to the readers.\nDr. S: Happy to. It's important that we get these ideas out there for people to talk about and consider. It comes down to universities' core purpose -- what they have to give to society.\nMcF: So, you're saying that by challenging accepted ideas -- even in ways some find offensive -- academic freedom stimulates new lines of thinking? That it keeps society from becoming rigid and stagnant?\nDr. S: Eh, well, sort of.\nMcF: Oh, uh, so you mean academic freedom, by exposing abhorrent ideas to public scrutiny through the open forum of the university, allows them to be properly challenged?\nDr. S: Not really, no.\nMcF: Um, OK, what do you mean?\nDr. S: It's simple, my dear boy. The whole furor demonstrates the desire of the authorities to foist their values on a dull, sheepish public. To conceal what only a few of us know is the truth.\nMcF: I'm afraid I don't follow.\nDr. S: Look at what has been happening with the Middle East and Asian Languages and Cultures Department at Columbia University.\nMcF: Oh, you mean the student and faculty charges against the department for espousing anti-semitism and intimidating dissenters?\nDr. S: Now, what kind of characterization is that? My lad, brush the scales from your eyes -- again, you're just seeing what those in control want you to see. There's brilliant work going on in that department, but it's not getting through to most people.\nMcF: I don't understand.\nDr. S: There's a vast conspiracy afoot.\nMcF: A conspiracy?\nDr. S: Yes, to lock your tiny monkey brain into a bourgeois, culturally-biased mind-set. Look at this recent case with the judge's family members being killed.\nMcF: You mean the judge whose husband and mother were murdered by white supremacists?\nDr. S: That's what they want you to think. You know how these murder mysteries work; it's always the person you least expect. Well, or the butler ... but that's so cliché.\nMcF: Wait --\nDr. S: No, my friend -- government, religious leaders, parents, community organizations -- they want you to think if you don't like some groups, you just have to live with them. But many of us -- myself, Churchill, the gang at Columbia -- we know better.\nMcF: You don't mean --\nDr. S: I mean where will it end? Next, they'll say you can't kill someone for cutting you off in traffic, or for entering the grocery store express line with 16 items or taking the last slice of pizza. It's madness!\nMcF: But that's horrible!\nDr. S: See, that's just the old mind-set again. Besides, my dean at Malebolge U. wants to keep up the enrollment numbers.