Going Old Testa-mental

Welcome brothers and sisters! \nHere at the Church of the All-Seeing Column, we're not like other churches. We don't deal in forgiveness or spiritual enlightenment, divine love or community spirit. \nNo, we believe in the old ways -- the best ways: pillars of salt, eyeballs plucked out by eagles, an eternity in the Hell of Flaming Goat Intestines. The ways of divine retribution.\nAnd today, in celebration of the feast of St. Choloric, holy patron of caffeine and road rage, we're doing our part for the sake of righteous justice.\nThat's right. We're handing out curses.\nThe accused: Congress members holding junkets for lobbyists\nAccused of: Adopting an approach to fund raising so shameless, it could be eating bugs on reality TV. \nIn a reversal of tradition, rather than lobbyists taking politicians out to posh resorts, some Congress members are now inviting lobbyists out on retreats in exchange for dinero. According to The Associated Press on Wednesday, Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Oregon) "has sent invitations for a $5,000-per-ticket golf tournament ... at the Bandon Dunes Golf Course in Oregon," while Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) "held a fund-raising 'ski-fest' (the weekend before last) at Sun Valley for $2,500 a person." And it's bipartisan, with Rep. Ben Chandler (D-Kentucky), Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) and the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee are organizing their own retreats.\nCurse: May your ski resorts, golf courses and whatnots be subject to infestations of squirrels -- rare Patagonian squirrels who prepare for winter by storing acorns in the rectums of Congress members.\nThe accused: Groups that give celebrities a fortune in swag, and the celebs who pursue them.\nAccused of: Conspicuous consumption decadent enough to make a hardened capitalist murmur about Marxian revolution.\nWhile free samples for the rest of us consist of hot dog slices on toothpicks, celebrities are getting iPods, jewelry, designer clothing and spa passes for, well, being celebrities. According to Reuters News Service (Feb. 18): "This year's gift bag for presenters at the music industry's Grammy Awards included certificates for laser eye surgery, health club membership and acupuncture. Screen Actors Guild Award giveaways included a trip to a Caribbean island."\nCurse: For the gifters, may the only celebrities using your swag be Kathy Griffin and Don Knotts -- a zombie, cannibal Don Knotts with a bad case of incontinence. Kathy Griffin can stay as is.\nFor the celebrities, may the swag carry a sexually transmitted disease that makes your private parts sing all the lyrics to "Hello Dolly." Not just the songs from the 1969 film -- the FULL BOOK.\nThe accused: The Ba'ath Party of Syria\nAccused of: Oppressing the people of Syria and Lebanon, training terrorist groups in Lebanon's Bekaa Valley, supporting the terrorists currently killing Iraqi civilians and U.S. troops, spelling their name with an apostrophe when it isn't a contraction.\nCurse: May you spend every night wondering who will get you first: the Americans, your own people, the Belgians -- What, didn't know about the Belgians? Well, I wouldn't bite into any strange truffles if I were you. \nAs for your terrorist allies, may their eternal reward be 72 virgins who all look like Screech from "Saved By The Bell." Screeches with beards.\nThe accused: blink-182\nAccused of: Lowering the level of pop-punk, the genre of groups like the Buzzcocks, the Descendents and Green Day, to that of boy bands and bubblegum pop; taking up the six minutes a day that MTV2 dedicates to music other than hip-hop; creating a version of punk whose primary audience is junior high cheerleaders.\nCurse: May you -- What's that? They've gone on indefinite hiatus? Well, carry on then.\nWait up there, Good Charlotte! Where do you think you're going?\nOh yes, brothers and sisters -- so much to curse and so little time.