Lending a helping right hand

Somehow, I keep getting other people's e-mails. I really need to talk to University Information Technology Services about this. \nFrom: Agent Rand 238\nTo: Chairman and CEO, Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy\nSubject: Success on the Bloomington front.\nMr. Chairman, it is my pleasure to report that our latest operation has been a complete success. But, first, allow me to congratulate you on the brilliance of "Operation: Seppuku." A decade ago, who would have believed that the American left would so happily rush to undermine itself? And yet, with the right rhetorical nudge from time to time, we have moved so many self-proclaimed liberals to abandon their own long-cherished values, for what? Another chance to re-live the 70's by marching around with placards? A superficial sense of moral superiority? An opportunity to get a Democrat -- any Democrat -- into the White House, no matter what they believe in (if anything)? \nThe results have been extraordinary. Let us count off our recent successes: pushing the left to surrender the vast middle of the United States, including former strongholds in the South, by convincing it to write off this area as "Red States," "Fly-Over Country" or "Jesusland"; leading liberals into junking their support for the rural poor by encouraging them to disdain such people as "white trash" for watching NASCAR and shopping at Wal-Mart; getting the left to oppose reform of the United Nations, and thereby, actually supporting the authority of the corrupt and powerful, just by having Republicans criticize the organization; and -- the piéce de résistance -- fostering a hatred of George W. Bush SO GREAT, that liberals find themselves rooting AGAINST the successful spread of democracy and human rights, just to see him fail in something. \nWhy, in this last election, we had the left demanding fiscal responsibility! \nBefore long, Trent Lott will be heading the NAACP, and Greenpeace will draft Tom DeLay to captain Rainbow Warrior II.\nToday, I am very happy to report that we have met with no less success on the campus front. On March 29, The Washington Post reported that 72 percent of college faculty members are liberal, while only 15 percent are conservative, according to a study conducted by professors at George Mason University, Smith College and the University of Toronto. This article went on to raise questions over whether such homogeneity in political beliefs may restrict diversity of opinion, the power of intellectual debate or the freedom of expression on campus. As if on cue, and much to our delight, campus leftists set about proving that this was, in fact, the case.\nOn March 28, editor of the Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol was hit by a pie during a speech at Earlham College (New York Times, March 31). March 29, protestors attempted to shout down conservative pundit Ann Coulter at Kansas University (Lawrence Journal-World, March 30). On March 31, during a question and answer session, Pat Buchanan was doused with salad dressing at Western Michigan University (New York Times, April 2). And, in an epic and joyously pyrrhic climax, the chief proponent of the idea that the freedom of speech on campus has become so restricted as to require government regulation, David Horowitz, was first hit with a pie at Butler University (Indianapolis Star, April 6), then subject to another attempted silencing at Indiana University (Indiana Daily Student, April 8). \nThe message, indeed, was clear: If you don't hold liberal beliefs, shut up and stay away. The fact that those liberal beliefs once included freedom of speech was completely forgotten. \nMy God, the irony is delicious. What more proof could state legislators need to intervene in college curricula? At this rate, we should have the departments of creationism in place by fall 2005.