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(10/26/05 3:28am)
When the bride is about to walk down the aisle with chewing gum in her mouth, it's one of the wedding planner's many duties to stick out a hand and tell her to spit it out. Pat Bailey, a Bloomington wedding planner, once instinctively held out her hand to receive bridal gum right before a ceremony started. She says she would expect no less dedication from her two interns junior Rachel Schiff and senior Angie Botos.\n"There's nothing we won't do," Bailey said. "And we do it with a smile."\nInterns Schiff and Botos are studying tourism management, but they already started their dream jobs when they became wedding planner interns. The two students are at weddings almost every weekend. On Oct. 8, they worked to organize the wedding of Jennifer Sonneborn and Charlie Laughlin. Before the ceremony, while the minister was at IU's homecoming football game, Schiff was pinning flowers onto the bridal party, and Botus was setting up for the reception at Eagle Pointe.\nAt 5 p.m., in a room draped with linens and filled with elegant place settings, Schiff sat diligently cutting and tying ribbons. Botos' arms were filled with jars of jelly beans as she sailed from table to table placing the favors for each guest. With their high heels lying off to the side, the two interns worked quickly to make sure everything looked perfect before the guests arrived. They tied bows around more than 170 chairs. \n"It kind of gets crazy when it gets down to this time," Schiff said. "These are very long days."\nThe interns found their shoes before the guests arrive and get ready to greet them. Once people begin to filter in, Schiff and Botos stood back and awaited the reactions to their work on the room's decor.\n"You've been staring at it for a few hours," Botos said. "It's nice when they come in and validate it."\nBailey arrived at the reception to find her interns discussing the color balance of the jelly bean jars at each table. They quickly filled in any holes. \nBailey started Social Butterfly, her own wedding- and event-planning business, "on a whim" after realizing her talent when she planned her own wedding.\n"It doesn't come naturally to everyone," Bailey said.\nBailey graduated from IU in 1995 and taught English for nine years at Bloomington High School South. Her business card dubs her a "wedding- and- special event muse."\nSocial Butterfly is one of three major wedding- and event-planning companies in Bloomington. Bailey recently took a year off from teaching to concentrate on her business and yielded a season of 27 weddings, her biggest yet. This fall, she returned to the classroom. She found she can balance two jobs with the help of her interns, whom she promoted to work as her assistants.\nSchiff and Botos began their internships last summer and twice a week they come into Bailey's home office, where a wedding dress stands by the window, color schemes are mounted on an easel and a small dog named Sydney greets visitors.\nBefore she hired interns, Bailey was a "one-woman show." She said she was overwhelmed by the number of applicants interested in working with her, but in order to get hired, candidates were expected to like dogs and had to answer a series of short essay questions.\n"That was probably the English teacher in me," Bailey said.\nThough Bailey promoted Schiff and Botos, she is still looking for new interns. She wants people who are easygoing, flexible, creative and eager to learn. The job description doesn't just include answering phones and running errands. It provides a look into the creative process and hard work that goes into coordinating a wedding. Interns also learn tricks of the trade, such as how to open a champagne bottle or cut an elaborate wedding cake.\n"I challenge the average person to cut a wedding cake," Bailey said.\nSchiff and Botos first sought internships because their major requires 320 hours of experience. The interns are preparing to book their own weddings where they'll have a chance to use their creativity.\n"We're meeting with brides from the beginning," Schiff said.\nSchiff enjoys the job because she sees something new every weekend and has the opportunity to interact with a wide variety of local businesses, from disc jockeys to caterers.\n"We know almost every photographer," Schiff said. "We're constantly interacting with other vendors."\nBotos noted the value of networking with local businesses during her internship. The contacts will be valuable when she starts planning on her own. She has already booked her first wedding.\n"I have my own bride for next June, and it's so scary," Botos said. "You just have to learn as you go."\nBotos used her internship to build up her portfolio. She takes pictures at every wedding to show future clients. When she thinks back on how she became interested in weddings, she puts her hands over her heart and sighs. She describes herself as a hopeless romantic and "the little girl who was in love with Cinderella." Like many students, she wasn't sure what she wanted to do when she came to college. She even considered going into radiology until she realized she had to follow her passion.\n"What I'm passionate about is passion itself," Botos said.\nAs soon as she revealed this maxim about passion, her boss reached for a pen to write it down, suggesting that it be their new tag line.\nIn spite of working out all the details behind the scenes, Botos said working as a wedding planner doesn't take away from the magic of weddings. But she admits the job has a certain amount of pressure.\n"You don't want to mess up," Botos said. "It's their wedding."\nSchiff realized she was interested in event planning when she planned events for her sorority, Delta Zeta. She said the courses in the tourism management curriculum don't cover event planning in depth. Learning to be a wedding planner requires hands-on experience.\n"It's not really something you can teach in a classroom," Schiff said.\nSometimes Schiff finds it hard to believe she's already found her dream job.\n"When someone in class raises their hand and says they want to be a wedding planner, I just grin because I'm already doing it," she said.
(10/11/05 5:21am)
When senior Rakshay Dhariwal first heard an earthquake hit Saturday in South Asia, he didn't know if his family in New Delhi was safe.\n"I was very afraid," Dhariwal said. "I ran and checked the Internet."\nOnce he saw New Delhi was not hard-hit by the quake, he stopped worrying and his family called to let him know they were safe. Dhariwal's family owns a plantation in northern India that was affected by the tremors. Some of the plantation workers were hospitalized and houses were damaged.\n"Everything above two stories collapsed," Dhariwal said.\nThe magnitude-7.6 earthquake hit South Asia Saturday, leaving a wake of damage spanning at least 250 miles from Jalalabad, Afghanistan, to the northern Indian territory. It was the largest earthquake ever to rock the region. The death toll is now estimated to be between 20,000 and 30,000, but officials expect it to rise.\nDr. Christopher Viers, associate dean and director of International Services, said IU has 20 students enrolled from the region affected by the earthquake. He was not aware of any IU students who were home in the region at the time of the natural disaster.\n"We've been in contact with the students affected and we're deeply concerned for the well-being of their families," Viers said.\nThe Office of International Services is currently working with the Pakistani Student Association to plan activities to help students affected, but no details are currently available.\nThe India Studies Program is sponsoring a panel to discuss the earthquake 7 p.m. Tuesday, Oct. 18 in Jordan Hall 124. The event is free and open to the public.\nIndia Studies Program Director Sumit Ganguly wanted to hold the panel to "shed light on the tragedy." Ganguly, a professor of political science and Indian cultures and civilizations, will be serving on the panel. \nHe said the region most affected by the quake, the Indian territory of Kashmir, is extremely rugged and isolated with poor roads, making recovery efforts difficult. The topology of the region makes it specifically earthquake prone, and the quality of life is harsh with little industry to sustain it. The United Nations said 2.5 million people are in need of shelter near the Pakistan-India border and risk exposure with the winter season being six weeks away.\nWhen Lahore, Pakistan, native Fahad Quyyum, a senior, woke up the day after the earthquake, he worried about his parents and grandparents who still live in Pakistan. Quyyum's family was also safe. He accredited it to the safety of their brick house located in the city in contrast to the many mud houses in the country that were prone to cracking or collapsing from the quake.\n"You can expect a house of mud to definitely collapse," Quyyum said.\nGanguly urges the Bloomington community to contribute to relief efforts. He noted even a minor financial contribution will help the poverty-stricken region.\n"The dollar still goes a long way in that region of the world," Ganguly said.\nGanguly said he hopes the response to the South Asia earthquake will equal the vigor of the response to Hurricane Katrina. U.S. Ambassador Ryan Crocker said the United States has pledged up to $50 million in aid. At the panel, a donation box will be available to aid quake victims with proceeds going to the Red Cross.\nGanguly said the people hardest hit by the quake have very little, robbed of their livelihood, homes and much hope for the future.\n"The people who suffered are not from Mars," Ganguly said. "They are fellow human beings."\nDr. Arvind Verma, associate director of the India Studies Program and a professor in the Department of Criminal Justice, will also serve on the panel. He served in the police department in India and is familiar with how the local government agencies work. He wants the panel to discuss ways the community can help the current tragedy and methods for preventing similar tragedies in the future.\n"A university is a place concerned with what happens around the world," Verma said. "It's natural that we should quickly respond."\n-- The Associated Press contributed to this report.
(09/29/05 4:02am)
I witnessed an unfortunate spectacle from a student who sat next to me in class the other day. After polishing off a Red Bull, she dozed in her chair. The lecture was wrapping up and students started to ask questions. The student next to me woke from her nap and spoke out in protest.\n"No! Don't ask questions," she commanded. "No questions. Are we good? I'm good."\nWith that, she stood up. She had declared that class was over and began to step over me as I was still taking notes and the professor was still talking.\nCall me crazy, but aren't most of us shelling out big bucks to come to class and ask questions of knowledgeable scholars? Why even bother showing up if your only goal is to leave and perhaps step on some toes in the process?\nMaybe you've experienced the phenomenon. You're sitting in a large lecture and when the professor says one word insinuating the end of class, students get restless and the storm begins. Phrases such as "any questions?" incite mob mentality. The professor might be speaking, but the room sounds like a frenzied plague of locusts.\nThere's no good way to word this argument without sounding like a huge nerd. But the display by Red Bull girl was too appalling to remain silent. If your professor is still lecturing and class isn't over, there's no need for a paper rustling extravaganza followed by a race to the door. Some students actually want to hear what's being said.\nAfter surviving nearly the entire span of the class, is sitting for ten more minutes really that difficult? You've made the long, strenuous journey through the desert. The tropical oasis is only a few feet away, but you stop, kick your camel in the shins and start building a sand castle.\nAccording to Wikipedia, the sound of rustling leaves is about 20 decibels. Rustling leaves are a lot like rustling papers. The sound seems innocent enough, almost soothing, but if 50 students or more are making that sound at the same time, the decibel level compares to that of a motorcycle or a jackhammer.\nI don't claim to be a model student with pristine classroom etiquette all the time. Have I fallen asleep in class before? Yes. Have I written haikus instead of taking actual notes? Yes. I've even tried to use the power of my mind to make time move faster, but that doesn't change the fact that I came to class to learn. \nI'm embarrassed by the blatant display of disrespect shown by students who start a stampede when a professor is still trying to speak, but what's worse is there are still a few nerdy students who actually care about what's being said. Just because you can't bear to sit in class for a few more minutes doesn't mean you should take that right away from others. Regardless of the sentiments of Van McCoy, there's no need to be doing "the hustle" in an educational setting, especially when only a few minutes of class remain.
(09/22/05 4:00am)
I challenge anyone to stand up, look me straight in the eye and say, "The Olsen Twins should not make another movie." You can't do it, can you?\nOlsen movies are like a security blanket, a nightlight, oxygen. Supposedly the two sisters are now focusing their careers on fashion. But I can't stand seeing Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen not making new movies. These are stars with acting and directing skills in the ranks of Orson Welles, Clint Eastwood and Mariah Carey.\nThey say you can't make twin movies forever, but dare I ask, why not? What kind of twisted, twin-hating communist made that rule? If the career of the lovable Mary-Kate and Ashley has taught me anything, it's that the rules of cinema are made to be broken.\nYou've heard it all before on "E! True Hollywood Story." Starting at only nine months old, the sisters shared the dynamic, groundbreaking role of Michelle on ABC's "Full House." The two are worth an estimated $300 ba-ga-jillion with their own company, Dualstar Entertainment and various wheelings and dealings with Wal-mart.\nThe girls' acting career was like a giant Tootsie Pop. It just got better and better with each lick until it reached the pinnacle of brilliance, a chewy Tootsie Roll center I like to call "New York Minute." This feature film is the twins' finest work to date and arguably the best film of the twenty-first century. The movie follows the two sisters to New York City where they fall into a series of hilarious mishaps and, despite their quirky differences, team up to thwart criminals.\nGranted, when I went to see "New York Minute" with a friend (who came along willingly, I might add) we were the only two people in the theater. But the general populous can't be expected to appreciate true art for its genius. We can't let the genius end there.\nSure, I can keep track of important dates on my Mary-Kate and Ashley calendar. Yes, I can waste away the hours playing Mary-Kate and Ashley Official Online Fan Club air hockey. But that's not enough for me. They've made nearly 50 movies in their career. Why stop now?\nHollywood has been plucked of its brightest stars, by the fashion industry no less, an industry that holds much blame for instigating eating disorders. (And an eating disorder is reportedly what afflicts our beloved and frail Mary-Kate.) The twins have been deemed style icons and have their own fashion line (only available at Wal-Mart.) Ashley recently interned for designer Zac Posen and Mary-Kate is projected to be the new face of Calvin Klein. As senseless as it might seem, the twins are on the fast train to Fashion City.\nMary-Kate, Ashley -- Listen to my plea. Fashion is not the way to go. Most of us have already learned to dress ourselves, but only you, Mary-Kate and Ashley, can teach us how to love, how to laugh, how to outsmart criminals with funny accents.\nIf the big silver screen is too taxing, the world could always use another straight-to-video flick. Couldn't you travel to at least one more city? You've filmed in London, Paris, Sydney, Rome, the Bahamas -- why not Beijing, Munich or Timbuktu? The world is a big place for two small twins. Explore it. Show us through your eyes, Mary-Kate and Ashley. There are comical capers and two matching boy toys on every continent. I don't care where you go. Just film something so I can sleep at night.\nThe twins have their whole lives ahead of them. It's the perfect opportunity to extend the "You're Invited" party series. "You're invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Wedding Party." They can marry a set of conjoined twins. Why not "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Rest Home Bingo Party?" And of course, everybody's favorite coming of age tale: "The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley: The Mysteries of Senile Dementia."\nAnd heaven forbid, if I outlive the twins, which I might, for a life of show business is a very strenuous life indeed, then I expect to be invited to "Mary-Kate and Ashley's Funeral Party."\nMaybe you're content to let the twins sink into the quicksand of the fashion industry. Maybe you can brush your teeth with Mary-Kate and Ashley toothpaste and simply say goodnight. Maybe not everyone agrees that the Olsen twin filmography should span many decades to come. But I don't think there's a person alive who can dispute the fact that "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Hawaiian Beach Party" is desperately crying out for a sequel.
(09/22/05 3:34am)
I challenge anyone to stand up, look me straight in the eye and say, "The Olsen Twins should not make another movie." You can't do it, can you?\nOlsen movies are like a security blanket, a nightlight, oxygen. Supposedly the two sisters are now focusing their careers on fashion. But I can't stand seeing Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen not making new movies. These are stars with acting and directing skills in the ranks of Orson Welles, Clint Eastwood and Mariah Carey.\nThey say you can't make twin movies forever, but dare I ask, why not? What kind of twisted, twin-hating communist made that rule? If the career of the lovable Mary-Kate and Ashley has taught me anything, it's that the rules of cinema are made to be broken.\nYou've heard it all before on "E! True Hollywood Story." Starting at only nine months old, the sisters shared the dynamic, groundbreaking role of Michelle on ABC's "Full House." The two are worth an estimated $300 ba-ga-jillion with their own company, Dualstar Entertainment and various wheelings and dealings with Wal-mart.\nThe girls' acting career was like a giant Tootsie Pop. It just got better and better with each lick until it reached the pinnacle of brilliance, a chewy Tootsie Roll center I like to call "New York Minute." This feature film is the twins' finest work to date and arguably the best film of the twenty-first century. The movie follows the two sisters to New York City where they fall into a series of hilarious mishaps and, despite their quirky differences, team up to thwart criminals.\nGranted, when I went to see "New York Minute" with a friend (who came along willingly, I might add) we were the only two people in the theater. But the general populous can't be expected to appreciate true art for its genius. We can't let the genius end there.\nSure, I can keep track of important dates on my Mary-Kate and Ashley calendar. Yes, I can waste away the hours playing Mary-Kate and Ashley Official Online Fan Club air hockey. But that's not enough for me. They've made nearly 50 movies in their career. Why stop now?\nHollywood has been plucked of its brightest stars, by the fashion industry no less, an industry that holds much blame for instigating eating disorders. (And an eating disorder is reportedly what afflicts our beloved and frail Mary-Kate.) The twins have been deemed style icons and have their own fashion line (only available at Wal-Mart.) Ashley recently interned for designer Zac Posen and Mary-Kate is projected to be the new face of Calvin Klein. As senseless as it might seem, the twins are on the fast train to Fashion City.\nMary-Kate, Ashley -- Listen to my plea. Fashion is not the way to go. Most of us have already learned to dress ourselves, but only you, Mary-Kate and Ashley, can teach us how to love, how to laugh, how to outsmart criminals with funny accents.\nIf the big silver screen is too taxing, the world could always use another straight-to-video flick. Couldn't you travel to at least one more city? You've filmed in London, Paris, Sydney, Rome, the Bahamas -- why not Beijing, Munich or Timbuktu? The world is a big place for two small twins. Explore it. Show us through your eyes, Mary-Kate and Ashley. There are comical capers and two matching boy toys on every continent. I don't care where you go. Just film something so I can sleep at night.\nThe twins have their whole lives ahead of them. It's the perfect opportunity to extend the "You're Invited" party series. "You're invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Wedding Party." They can marry a set of conjoined twins. Why not "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Rest Home Bingo Party?" And of course, everybody's favorite coming of age tale: "The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley: The Mysteries of Senile Dementia."\nAnd heaven forbid, if I outlive the twins, which I might, for a life of show business is a very strenuous life indeed, then I expect to be invited to "Mary-Kate and Ashley's Funeral Party."\nMaybe you're content to let the twins sink into the quicksand of the fashion industry. Maybe you can brush your teeth with Mary-Kate and Ashley toothpaste and simply say goodnight. Maybe not everyone agrees that the Olsen twin filmography should span many decades to come. But I don't think there's a person alive who can dispute the fact that "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Hawaiian Beach Party" is desperately crying out for a sequel.
(09/07/05 5:29am)
Now you can buy a candy bar or a lottery ticket while simultaneously stepping back in time. \nDowntown Bloomington has a new late-night convenience store that provides a glimpse of its history. Inside the Black Mercantile, on the corner of Seventh and Walnut streets, the colors of shiny candy wrappers pop out against red brick walls that have existed for nearly 200 years. Neon signs glow inside windows that look as though they could've been taken out of a black and white movie; outside, you might half expect to see horse-drawn carriages rather than cars.\nMike Black noticed downtown Bloomington lacked a convenience store and he opened the Black Mercantile, or "Black Market." Black also owns the Video Saloon, a bar known to many as "The Vid," located directly above his new store. \n"It gave us a chance to do something besides sell alcohol," Black said.\nThe store opened Aug. 26 after about 11 months of construction and restoration work. It's convenient for students and Bloomington residents alike, open from 8 a.m. to 1 a.m. weekdays and until 2 a.m. on weekends. Black's still testing store hours, waiting to observe customer flows before fixing a permanent schedule. \n"You can't tell the public what they want," he said. "They tell you." \nHe's considering making the store a 24-hour operation, although he suspects business would be bleak from 4 to 6 a.m.\n"Between those hours you could go lay down in the middle of the street and not get hit by a car," Black said.\nOnce he started renovating, Black realized the building below his bar had a lot of history, giving customers a peek of what businesses looked like in the early 20th century. He used maps and photographs of businesses in the area to aid in the design of the restoration project.\nBuilt as a brick house in 1828, the original brick walls are still visible inside the store today. The new storefront was partially designed after a market that stood on the same corner in the 1940s. \nTo recapture the architecture of the early 1900s, the building was literally given a facelift. The entire front of the building was removed, even the doors. Only the support structures remained until the market got an entirely new façade.\nPrevious businesses were built onto the building's original insides, and layers of carpeting and flooring were stacked on top of each other. Tools, which Black compared to ice scrapers, were used to peel away these layers, revealing the wooden floorboards customers walk on today. Black knelt down and moved his hand along the boards to demonstrate they are smooth and splinter-free. \nThe Bloomington Historic Preservation Commission aided in the restoration of the building. It took great pains to preserve the historic feel of the building's design. The most prominent feature of the store's façade is its tall, oblong display windows. It would have been much easier to build the windows with aluminum frames, but the Commission urged the use of wooden frames for authenticity. Black agreed, and the window frames were specially fitted with wood because as he mentioned, the Commission "said please and everything."\nNancy Hiestand, program manager of the Bloomington Historic Preservation Commission, worked with Black to make sure the restoration process accurately echoed downtown Bloomington's architectural history.\n"He was very receptive to our ideas," Hiestand said.\nAs a result of Black's convenience store project, the Bloomington Urban Enterprises Association now offers a $10,000 grant to downtown business owners who want to restore their buildings. Hiestand said the grant was created to give incentive to restore and preserve the history of downtown's architecture. There are very few original storefronts left.\nThe Seventh Street side of the Black Mercantile is still under construction. Upon completion, it will include bay windows, an architectural feature common of downtown Bloomington's historic buildings. \n"They add to (the) uniqueness of Bloomington," Hiestand said.\nBut she lamented that many of these historic windows are covered with siding.\nStudents from Ball State University helped with the restoration process. Ball State has a Center for Historic Preservation as part of its College of Architecture and Planning. The students from the center developed guidelines for restoring the brick, options for painting and ways for the new design to complement the overall style of the building. \nTalisha Coppock, executive director of Downtown Bloomington Commission, said the Black Mercantile is a very important business to add to downtown. The Downtown Bloomington Commission is a non-profit organization that has been working to revitalize the downtown area for the past 20 years.\nCoppock accredited the push for the restoration of downtown to its importance in attracting tourists and improving the local economy. Bringing historic architecture to the surface helps preserve an area which makes Bloomington unique.\nThe Downtown Bloomington Commission's work to improve downtown is part of a statewide effort to preserve history, known as the Indiana Mainstreet Program. The program encourages Indiana towns to improve their downtown business districts. \n"Finding a vibrant downtown is important for the livelihood of the community," Coppock said. "Not every community has a vibrant downtown"
(08/31/05 5:22am)
Everyone knows those three little words. They can change your life forever. They can fill a heart with joy or send chills down the spine. Don't fight them anymore. \nLet yourself go and embrace those three little words: instant mashed potatoes.\nThis is my first year living off campus, which means goodbye to the prison-like convenience of the dorms and hello to cooking on my own.\nRegardless of my substantial rent payment, my new home didn't come with any food inside. I learned that acquiring food for the kitchen involves going to the food-buying place or "grocery store," where money can be exchanged for edible goods.\nAnd thus I found myself immersed in taking the first pop quiz of the school year -- grocery shopping. I felt tremendous pressure to get it right. My initial ambition was to buy healthy food in an economically- savvy manner. It was an attitude that was both practical and responsible. I was destined to fail.\nWhile scrutinizing over every penny, I learned some hard lessons. I saved money and calories, but I was unhappy and worst of all, I was hungry. None of my purchases seemed good enough for a real meal or, more importantly, a fast meal. That's when I decided to swallow my pride, go back to the store and let the greatest invention of the 20th century untie me from the railroad tracks of nutrition just before the train arrived.\nInstant mashed potatoes, my hero. They come in a box. You add a few ingredients and within minutes you have a creamy pile of potatoes so close to the homemade version that it makes cubic zirconia and pleather look like cheap knockoffs. \nSay what you will, but I've actually met people who prefer powdered potatoes to the real deal.\nYou can prepare this delicacy with either of the following appliances found in the kitchen:\n• Stove -- an ominous, large, box-like object with the power to sear flesh and cook food.\n• Microwave -- a small, box-like object that looks like a miniature time machine, but is actually designed to heat food and explode marshmallows in a highly efficient manner.\nThe reluctance to indulge in instant mashed potatoes comes from their bad reputation. My mom told me specifically to avoid purchasing starchy foods, giving instant mashed potatoes as an example, because they spike your blood sugar. She was right. According to USA Weekend, instant mashed potatoes are the one food in the potato genre that raises your blood sugar the most, but that's just another way to say "delicious."\nInstant mashed potatoes are also easy. More foods should be readily available in the "instant" format to cater to the hectic lives of students. But mashed potatoes seem to be one of the few foods that make the transition from chalk-like substance to hearty meal with grace and elegance. I'm not sure if other just-add-liquid foods would taste quite as good. I'd have to ask a trained astronaut or space monkey to find out for sure.\nDon't be discouraged if you're not a gourmet chef (or tried to be and failed). Unless I hear back from the space monkeys, there's no shame in powdered food.
(05/12/05 4:00am)
The world is full of unsolved mysteries that amaze the general populous and leave even scientists scratching their heads. CNN recently reported a story with the headline: "Exploding toads baffle scientists." Toads are puffing up and exploding in a pond in Hamburg, Germany. So far no one knows why.\nCue the haunting theme music. I'd say this is a job for special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Nothing has "The X-Files" written all over it like a baffling case of exploding amphibians. Unfortunately the hit sci-fi series ended three years ago after spanning nine seasons. But many were not ready to see it go, even though the storyline was limping along on its last leg with Scully having a baby and the absence of Mulder. \nAfter 201 episodes, the show was more than ready to fade away but its exit left a gaping hole in sci-fi genre television. Sure, we have aliens. We have crime solving. But there's nowhere near enough government secrets or mysterious cigarette smoking. Let's face it, nothing on TV measures up to the adventures of our favorite stoic FBI agents. Some shows try to fill the cavernous "X-Files" void, but they fail miserably. \nI'll admit that since Mulder (also known as hot, hot David Duchovny) bowed out of "The X-Files," I've steered clear of most sci-fi TV. But I consulted a television expert -- a fellow student who happens to watch TV -- to explain the premises of today's most popular sci-fi. Believe me, I've tried to watch these shows, but the boredom is more than I can bear. \nThe first inadequate show is NBC's "Medium" starring Patricia Arquette as Allison Dubois, a woman who solves crimes with the special "gift" of reading peoples' thoughts. My television expert summed up the show as follows: "It's about a lady who knows what happens to dead people." The whole "I see dead people" thing has been done. Not only did Haley Joel Osment see the deceased in "The Sixth Sense" but psychic John Edwards "talked" to them in the Sci-Fi Channel's "Crossing Over with John Edwards." Nice try, NBC. \nInadequate show number two has somewhat of a cult following. I'm not knocking obsessive cult followings, I just think the series at hand doesn't deserve the obsession. "Stargate: SGI" of the Sci-Fi Channel is one of those let's-fly-spaceships-and-fight-aliens shows. (Oh, one of those ...) My TV expert says of the plot: "They go through different portals that lead to different planets and they fight each other," "they" being a secret military team formed to explore these portals or "stargates." \nThe show stars Richard Dean Anderson as Colonel Jack O'Neill. Anderson is most famous for his performance as Angus MacGyver in the hit 80's series "MacGyver." If "Stargate" had a slightly catchier theme song and little more ingenuity, such as disabling a time bomb with a toothbrush, maybe it could measure up to "MacGyver." But it will never touch "X-File" status. \nIn light of today's sci-fi deficiency, I'm proposing a new series to sooth the pain of "X-File" fans everywhere. It would combine the thrill of crime fighting with the mystery of aliens in a way "Medium" and "Stargate" never could. The show would star Chuck Norris (formerly "Walker, Texas Ranger") as a border patrol agent who battles the trials of illegal aliens by day and the antics of space aliens on the side. No genre of alien can compete with Norris' martial arts skills. And when the government attempts to step in because the border patrol knows too much, a rogue government informant with a distinct habit will dispense clues. The informant: The Knuckle Cracking Woman, played by Betty White, formerly Rose of "The Golden Girls." The chemistry of a White-Norris combination will be groundbreaking. I promise -- no portals or psychic powers, just good television.
(05/12/05 1:27am)
The world is full of unsolved mysteries that amaze the general populous and leave even scientists scratching their heads. CNN recently reported a story with the headline: "Exploding toads baffle scientists." Toads are puffing up and exploding in a pond in Hamburg, Germany. So far no one knows why.\nCue the haunting theme music. I'd say this is a job for special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Nothing has "The X-Files" written all over it like a baffling case of exploding amphibians. Unfortunately the hit sci-fi series ended three years ago after spanning nine seasons. But many were not ready to see it go, even though the storyline was limping along on its last leg with Scully having a baby and the absence of Mulder. \nAfter 201 episodes, the show was more than ready to fade away but its exit left a gaping hole in sci-fi genre television. Sure, we have aliens. We have crime solving. But there's nowhere near enough government secrets or mysterious cigarette smoking. Let's face it, nothing on TV measures up to the adventures of our favorite stoic FBI agents. Some shows try to fill the cavernous "X-Files" void, but they fail miserably. \nI'll admit that since Mulder (also known as hot, hot David Duchovny) bowed out of "The X-Files," I've steered clear of most sci-fi TV. But I consulted a television expert -- a fellow student who happens to watch TV -- to explain the premises of today's most popular sci-fi. Believe me, I've tried to watch these shows, but the boredom is more than I can bear. \nThe first inadequate show is NBC's "Medium" starring Patricia Arquette as Allison Dubois, a woman who solves crimes with the special "gift" of reading peoples' thoughts. My television expert summed up the show as follows: "It's about a lady who knows what happens to dead people." The whole "I see dead people" thing has been done. Not only did Haley Joel Osment see the deceased in "The Sixth Sense" but psychic John Edwards "talked" to them in the Sci-Fi Channel's "Crossing Over with John Edwards." Nice try, NBC. \nInadequate show number two has somewhat of a cult following. I'm not knocking obsessive cult followings, I just think the series at hand doesn't deserve the obsession. "Stargate: SGI" of the Sci-Fi Channel is one of those let's-fly-spaceships-and-fight-aliens shows. (Oh, one of those ...) My TV expert says of the plot: "They go through different portals that lead to different planets and they fight each other," "they" being a secret military team formed to explore these portals or "stargates." \nThe show stars Richard Dean Anderson as Colonel Jack O'Neill. Anderson is most famous for his performance as Angus MacGyver in the hit 80's series "MacGyver." If "Stargate" had a slightly catchier theme song and little more ingenuity, such as disabling a time bomb with a toothbrush, maybe it could measure up to "MacGyver." But it will never touch "X-File" status. \nIn light of today's sci-fi deficiency, I'm proposing a new series to sooth the pain of "X-File" fans everywhere. It would combine the thrill of crime fighting with the mystery of aliens in a way "Medium" and "Stargate" never could. The show would star Chuck Norris (formerly "Walker, Texas Ranger") as a border patrol agent who battles the trials of illegal aliens by day and the antics of space aliens on the side. No genre of alien can compete with Norris' martial arts skills. And when the government attempts to step in because the border patrol knows too much, a rogue government informant with a distinct habit will dispense clues. The informant: The Knuckle Cracking Woman, played by Betty White, formerly Rose of "The Golden Girls." The chemistry of a White-Norris combination will be groundbreaking. I promise -- no portals or psychic powers, just good television.
(05/02/05 4:50am)
On the second floor of the Monroe County Public Library, in the very back corner, is a shelf full of books and movies unlike any others. The shelf has only been there for about a year and its content continues to grow. This special collection in the library is marked with colorful signs that say "bienvenidos," which means "welcome" in Spanish.\nBobby Overman, a reference librarian who is in charge of buying the Spanish materials, said discussion for adding it began in 2000.\n"We noticed that the Hispanic population is growing and everyone is responding," Overman said.\nNew Spanish-speaking residents aren't leaving after four years. Hispanics are coming here to call Bloomington home.\n"We saw that (Hispanic) people weren't coming here to the University; they were coming here for jobs," Overman said.\nThe U.S. Census Bureau projects that the Hispanic population of Indiana will increase by nearly 22 percent in 2010 from the year 2000. Hispanics who immigrate to the area might know little to no English.\nThe Monroe County branch of Indiana Legal Services, Inc., an organization that provides free legal assistance to the low income and elderly population, has only one Spanish-speaking employee in the office.\nMyrta Hudson, the office manager and a paralegal, said the number of Monroe County Legal Service's Spanish-speaking clients has increased dramatically, especially within the past two years.\n"Five years ago it was rare to have someone who didn't speak English call in," Hudson said.\nNow the office's Spanish-speaking employee is "overwhelmed," Hudson said. Hudson finds the most common legal matters involving non-English speakers are related to family law and disputes between tenants and landlords.\n"I'm surprised the state hasn't mandated that there be someone who speaks Spanish in the office full-time," Hudson said.\nCommunity organizations offer opportunities on the other side of the language barrier to compensate for the lack of resources. The First United Methodist Church and the Monroe County Public Library offer free evening courses, including classes that teach English as a second language. Many of the students are Hispanic, but the classes are open to anyone. \nIvy Tech-Bloomington also offers Spanish literacy and adult education programs. The classes allow Spanish speakers the opportunity to complete education up to the 9th grade and are taught by Plaza Comunitaria.\nAnother organization that extends its arms to Spanish speakers is Mujeres en Conexión, which in English means "Women in Connection." The group is designed to help Latina women feel more at home in Bloomington. Women can find out which doctors speak Spanish and where to register their children for school. The group's once-a-month meetings allow women to learn and network. \nNancy Armstrong, the Latino Outreach Coordinator at the First United Methodist Church, has been a member of Mujeres en Conexión for about four years. She said the group is growing and estimates that most members have been in Bloomington for less than five years. \n"We continue to have people who have just arrived in the country," Armstrong said.\nThe group's founder, Hannia Burke-Agüero, a native of Costa Rica, is a psychologist with an interest in helping Latina women adjust to living in America.\nWhen she came to Bloomington in 1998, Burke-Agüero found that women new to the country benefited from connecting with each other socially and sharing experiences.\nShe said about half of the members who regularly attend meetings came to Bloomington to escape the poverty of their native country and to find jobs to support their families. The organization has about 150 members and meets on the third Saturday of every month. \n"It's a time for the women to talk, eat and laugh in Spanish," Burke-Agüero said. \n-- Contact Staff Writer Joanna Borns at jborns@indiana.edu.
(04/28/05 5:33am)
People are getting ready for summer tours to kickoff, but the hottest tour is about ready to wrap up. The Bush administration's take-no-prisoners, "strengthen Social Security," we-will-rock-you, "60 Stops in 60 days" tour is rolling across the United States until May 1.\nIts objective is to take the president's message about privatizing Social Security to the streets. Speakers range from President Bush and Vice President Cheney to Cabinet members and policy experts. With that lineup, it should be a great show. And the best part is, many of us already paid for it because it's federally funded. Travel expenses, the opening act, cheese platters for the groupies -- your tax dollars at work. While the cost of the tour is under scrutiny, we can't forget one important thing. The Social Security tour rocks so hard.\nI haven't actually been to a show myself, because you have to be a registered GOP member to attend, but I've heard rave reviews. The self-proclaimed "blitz" across the nation is done in the style of all the great rock legends from KISS to the Rolling Stones: town hall meeting.\nI can only assume fans camp out for days to see these meetings. I see fans building bonfires, making conservative s'mores and gently strumming their guitars while humming sweet songs of personal investment. With a twinkle in their eyes, they dream about the chance to see Michel N. Korbey, a senior adviser and hardcore rocker to the Social Security Administration.\nWhen the show kicks off, the crowd goes wild, doing the wave in a sensible town meeting format. As soon as personal retirement accounts are mentioned, everyone's lighter is in the air. It's magic.\nThe government spares no expense to make this magic happen for the American people, er, members of the GOP. Though the administration declined to estimate the total cost of the tour, The Washington Post says that it "may be one of the most costly in memory."\nThere's no doubt in my mind that the Bush administration has put together the finest in lighting displays and pyrotechnics. Cheney couldn't walk on stage without a shower of sparks in the background. It just wouldn't be the same. One expense under particular scrutiny was the cost of new employees hired specifically for the cross-country events. But every tour needs roadies.\nThere's no getting around it. To put on a killer show that keeps the fans screaming for more, you have to drop some moolah. But that creates a special problem. The president is spending federal money to tell people we don't have enough federal money.\nAccording to the government's fancy new Social Security Web site, www.strengtheningsocialsecurity.gov (which uses the term "nest egg" a lot), if no changes are made to Social Security, the program will be broke by 2041. Rather than changing how the government spends its money, President Bush wants to switch to private voluntary accounts that require investing in the stock market.\nIn 2000, the Government Accountability Office estimated that flying Air Force One cost $54,100 per hour, $60,250 today. Thirty-five days into the president's tour, The Washington Post estimated that he traveled at least 30 hours by commercial schedules, which totals up to $1.8 million. And that doesn't even include travel expenses for the rest of the staff.\nOne-point-eight million dollars is only .00000045 percent of the difference between Social Security inflows and outflows during the next 75 years (according to the fancy Web site), but it would still make a pretty nice nest egg.\nI guess you just can't put a price on rocking out.
(04/20/05 4:54am)
Last weekend, I was victimized by the sidewalk along Seventh Street. There I was, an innocent civilian, walking along, having a jolly good time. But I never had a chance. I never saw it coming, the evil menace to pedestrians everywhere: uneven terrain. My usual grace failed me, and I knew I was going down. Within a matter of seconds, I was face-to-face with concrete.\nI would expect the initial reaction from my comrades to be a frantic, "Are you OK?" or something at least in the genre of sympathy or concern. No. The initial response when I bit the dust was laughter. After I got over the initial shock of hitting the pavement and made sure I was only bleeding a little bit (oh yes, there was blood), I realized that through the eyes of an observer, my spill could be perceived as humorous, especially considering the momentum with which I hit the ground.\nThe classic trip-and-fall is always funny. Maybe empathy will force us to devote at least a nanosecond to showing concern for the fall victim's well-being, but after that, we're slaves to the humor. How else can we explain why the "I've fallen, and I can't get up" commercials from LifeCall alert, a personal emergency response system, have become a cultural landmark? In theory, the idea of an elderly woman falling is the least funny concept ever. Yet the commercials bore a comedic legacy that lives on more than a decade later.\nIt seems almost morally wrong to find amusement in the plight of our fellow man, especially when it pertains to his run-ins with gravity. But it appears to be an inevitable part of human nature. When it comes to minor accidental injuries, we're all just a little bit sadistic.\nIf we look at the cycle of a trip-and/or-slip-and-fall, the presence of amusement, in the end result, is counterintuitive. Person A loses his balance. He struggles to stay upright. He stumbles and ends up a heap on the floor. He is likely experiencing some degree of pain. Person B, an observer, laughs at the expense of Person A. Why?\nAs rudimentary as it might seem, slapstick will never die. According to Psychology Today, physical humor is the easiest form of comedy for the brain to understand. Physical humor is easy to appreciate without a complex mental process. \nIt doesn't matter how often you read The Wall Street Journal, how many times you've denounced "The Three Stooges" or how often you wear a suit. Regardless of how sophisticated you claim to be, I'm willing to bet money that at least once in your lifetime, you've at least cracked a smile at the sight of someone tripping. Maybe it was even you who stuck your foot out.\nObviously, there's no rule that says human suffering is funny 100 percent of the time. According to the statistics of Occupational Safety and Health Administration, falls account for the greatest number of fatalities in the construction industry. But humor has no limits. I know at least one person laughed upon reading that statistic. \nIronically, the thread that binds us all together is the same thing that causes us to laugh at each other: We've all been there, and we're glad it's not us this time. Sure, I wasn't laughing when I became more intimate with Seventh Street, but had I seen someone else in the same dramatic tumble, I'm sure there could've been giggling on my part. The trip of a random stranger is funny, but if it's someone you know ... even better. The closer you are to the fall-ee, the more hilarious the fall. You might say love is directly proportional to falling down amusement.\nThe fall of your fellow human is hilarious. Please don't watch your step.
(04/13/05 5:57am)
Just when you think you have a top-notch memory, you commit the dreaded social faux pas: forgetting someone's name.\n"Hey, I remember you. You're Henry. Harry? Hortence? Shaniqua? Oh, your name is Ted? I was close."\nWhen you forget a name, you bring eternal embarrassment to yourself, shame to your family, and worst of all, you look like a jerk.\nRemembering the names of all our acquaintances, friends, siblings and significant others is taxing. IU has about 38,000 students. That's a lot of names, and that number doesn't even include professors, janitors or other people with names.\nWe already have a lot of important things to remember. Why clutter our minds with frivolous nomenclature? According to the British Psychological Society, mental capacity decreases with age. We're fighting a losing battle. I say surrender now. Let's make everything simpler and eliminate names altogether.\nThe first logical solution that comes to mind is assigning everyone a number. But I have enough trouble remembering my own student ID number, let alone everyone else's. So that idea is out.\nA May 2004 article from Nature magazine's Web site stated memory is linked closely to the senses. Visualizing our names would be easier on the brain. I suggest a tattooed symbol on everyone's forehead, assigned at birth. Prince knew what he was doing with the symbol thing. \nNew parents pour their hearts into picking out the perfect name. But parents have enough to worry about without having to label their newborn. The stress of picking names can be so great that www.babyzone.com provides a "name wizard" that makes suggestions by "statistically analyzing real baby names in a database, then creating new letter combinations." Some actual suggestions for a new baby girl are Xeleldor and Xarp. And for a boy: Foirkyn or Ugrtomyl.\nThe name wizard proves names are ridiculous. If naming a baby is so difficult that parents must resort to randomly generated letter combinations, something is wrong. \nForehead tattoos might seem a little radical, but I'm not suggesting bar codes for government tracking. I just want to be one step closer to a simpler utopian society. How can one word truly sum up a person as a whole? Names are a feeble attempt by "the man" to put us into categories.\nAll we have to do is free ourselves from the oppression of labels and mandate new, more efficient labels with pictorial symbols.\nDitching names has numerous benefits: \n• Forehead tattoos would eliminate those awkward introductions, but the tattoos would need to be equipped with braille for the vision impaired.\n• We could drastically reduce nasty gossip. It's hard to talk about someone behind their back if you can't use a name. \n• The social benefits spread to our youth as well. Children are merciless, and school can be a rough place if your parents were high when they named you. If names were eliminated, elementary school children would have fewer reasons to tease each other.\n• Name loss would put the surprise back in life. When calling someone on the phone, it would no longer be necessary to say, "Hello, this is so and so." Just start talking. Figuring out who it is can be a fun game for the person on the other end.\nSome argue that a name is crucial to one's personal identity, but how do you think Xarp feels? We will never find freedom until we relinquish the shackles of names. Eliminating labels takes the strain off our waning memories and makes everyone a little more equal. Besides putting a stop to that infernal name game song once and for all, we can each be a nameless face in the crowd, just another number ... number bo bumber.
(04/06/05 4:22am)
Dear Department of Homeland Security, \nMy boyfriend is afraid of commitment. What should I do? -- Suzie\nDear Suzie, \nRemind your boyfriend that safety comes in numbers. In case of a chemical terrorist threat, you'll want to seal off a room with tape and plastic. This will go much faster with two people. \nThis was just a test of the Department of Homeland Security's Emergency Advice Column System. Had there been an actual terrorist threat, the advice would've been much more vague and foreboding.\nThe Department of Homeland Security has an ad campaign featuring doe-eyed children asking questions about emergencies. The public service announcement directs viewers to a Web site, www.ready.gov, after warning, "There's no good reason not to have a plan in case of a terrorist attack."\nSure, it's easy for the government to endorse preparation. The government has sophisticated resources to anticipate possible terrorist threats -- stuff like an intricate network of intelligence and fancy weapons. Ordinary citizens have ... duct tape. \nThere's no good reason not to have a plan in case you eat bad canned goods and contract botulism. There's no good reason not to have a plan in case an elephant escapes from the zoo and storms your house. There's no good reason not to have a plan in case you accidentally walk through a rift in time and end up in ancient Rome.\nI hate to say it, but there's no way for the average citizen to prepare for a terrorist attack because an attack could be virtually anything. Terrorists might resort to biological warfare or release millions of rabid chipmunks into major metropolitan areas. We have no way of knowing what to expect unless we could subscribe to a Terror Cell weekly newsletter or read an al-Qaida blog.\nAnd even if we did know what to expect, how prepared could we really be? You might be forced to repopulate the earth with the creepy neighbor if you two were the only ones who sealed off your houses with garbage bags before the nuclear holocaust.\nThe Homeland Security Web site features the slogan "Don't be afraid -- be ready." But telling people to be ready just makes them afraid.\nThe site features little-known insider tips such as, "During a nuclear incident, it is important to avoid radioactive material, if possible."\nInstructions teach how to seal up a room in case of contaminated air. Sealing yourself in a room reminds me of something else kept in a small container -- silly putty. If I'm not mistaken, silly putty is easy to manipulate.\nDoes America really need to revert back to the post-Sept. 11 climate of fear? How many safety whistles do we need to buy before we are prepared for attacks? There's nothing wrong with providing vague safety tips on a Web site for those who are especially paranoid, but the constant public service announcements are a waste of resources, and the only purpose they serve is scaring people.\nI hate to see a government resort to scare tactics to gain the support of its citizens. Frightened people are notorious for giving the government support when it might not deserve it. The Nazi Party in Germany and public support for the recent war in Iraq are just a few examples. It might seem cliché, but the words of FDR's first inaugural speech during the Great Depression hold true by modern standards: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."\nIf storing extra drinking water, food, gas masks and elephant repellent makes you feel safer, by all means, stock up. But life is full of emergencies and disasters, terror-related or not. As average human beings, we can't prepare for every possible dilemma. That's why we have superheroes.
(03/31/05 4:39am)
The Burger King is so much more than just a monarch. Not only is he the mascot of a fast food chain second only to McDonalds, he is also an artist.\nAlas, his art seems to be of a dying breed, like glass blowing or mashed potato sculpting. But the art of fast food is one of the last pure embodiments of what America stands for. Burger King wields the paintbrush that graces the canvas of culinary delight. With every stroke, he revives the dying art of pushing high-calorie food.\nUnhealthy food looked to be going the way of the giant panda or the California condor. We find ourselves emerging from a storm of fad diets. McDonalds began an ad campaign that glorified salads. Fast food trends were leaning toward healthier choices. Carbohydrates were our enemy. Dr. Atkins was God. It was a scary time for America.\nAs the storm clouds clear, only one man can save us. Burger King emerges as a hero by recently unveiling the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. The sandwich features a sausage patty, two eggs, two slices of cheese and three strips of bacon for a grand total of 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. (More calories and fat than a McDonalds Big Mac.)\nFoods high in fat and cholesterol, such as meats, eggs and cheese, aren't healthy, per se. And eating such foods can increase the risk of heart disease, one of America's top killers. But for art, we must make sacrifices.\nIf you see a picture, the sandwich looks much like a school bus on a bun. The Enormous Omelet Sandwich is something that would make our forefathers proud. It represents every important American ideal: being big, being fast and, of course, breakfast. While revolutionaries might not have agreed with any undue authority of the Burger King himself, they would have admired his work.\nIt says right in the U.S. Constitution, "We the People of the United States, to form a more perfect Union, establish speed, ensure domestic breakfast, promote the general large size of everything, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves blah blah blah ..."\nIn the spirit of patriotism, I can only say one more thing about the Enormous Omelet Sandwich: We can do better. Nutrition facts are based on a diet of 2000 calories a day. Why not make a sandwich that includes an entire day's worth of calories in one meal? With a little can-do attitude, there could be more bacon, more cheese and more bacon again. Just make it bigger.\nHardee's "Monster Thickburger" has 1,400 calories, but it's still not enough, and worst of all, it's not breakfast. You might be able to rack up the morning calories with a long list of pancakes, sausage, eggs, bacon and French toast all at once, but we need it all in one food entity. Here in America, we're all about efficiency. If it's not between two pieces of bread, just forget it and go home.\nIf we can't make a breakfast sandwich that contains 2,000 calories and is made fast and ready to order, then the terrorists have truly won.\nThe Enormous Omelet Sandwich might be lacking in calories, but it's a step in the right direction. Being large and having three strips of bacon is about as much as you can ask a sandwich to do to uphold the values that make this country great. The Enormous Omelet Sandwich: a true American. And the flame-broiled king who created it is rendered a true American hero.
(03/24/05 4:02am)
Warning: If your name is McGruff the Crime Dog, I urge you to stop reading.\nI am about to suggest something highly unorthodox. Celebrities should commit more crimes.\nThe drama of celebrity mixed with the drama of the courtroom is a cocktail necessary to the survival of journalism. According to my calculations, celebrity trials make up about 98 percent of the news.\nThe Michael Jackson trial is the perfect example. In the past few weeks we were inundated with headlines such as "Michael Jackson was late again" and "Michael Jackson wears goofy pants." I applaud the news agencies for breaking these pertinent news stories on a daily, if not hourly, basis.\nWhy do the famous on trial receive so much media coverage? The answer is obvious: The outcomes of the trials have a profound impact on all of our lives. If Lil' Kim goes to prison for perjury, my life will change in so many ways. Such as ... uh ... \nAs an aspiring journalist, I'm concerned with how much the profession relies on celebrities doing stupid things. If famous people ever clean up their acts, I'll be out of a job. \nI have a few suggestions. If Britney Spears and her new husband Kevin Federline were to, oh, I don't know, rob a liquor store, that would be perfect.\nLindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and some other teen idol like Alex Trebek should form a trifecta of crime. I envision jaywalking, stealing mail or perhaps operating a massive telemarketing scandal. \nCelebrities receive pressure to be good role models because they're in the public eye, but that's a bunch of hoo-ha. If celebrities were role models we'd all be drinking Cristal and marrying our back-up dancers.\nAnd won't somebody please think of the children? The youth of our nation tend to idolize rock stars and professional athletes, currently the epitome of good morals and family values. If everyone famous suddenly turns to crime, won't the kids be corrupted? Don't worry. Dr. Phil says that parents are the biggest influence in children's lives in spite of celebrity impact.\nWhile I'm on the topic of Dr. Phil, I suggest he do his part to keep America's media stable. I'm thinking identity theft or possibly narcotic trafficking.\nIn my first introductory journalism class, we were asked the deep question: What is news? The debate came up as to whether or not celebrities are actually newsworthy. Based on today's media climate, I've decided that celebrities are the only news.\nMaybe celebrities are just ordinary people who happen to make a lot of money and have their names known by millions, but the rest of us need to know their every move. Every time Jennifer Anniston buys a sandwich, I want to know about it. Every time William Shatner gets the sniffles, I want to see it on the front page. People are put on trial every day, but when celebrities are shuffled through the judicial system, we can all point and laugh.\nTo maintain the existence of the news, it is absolutely imperative to form a gang of renegade celebrity bandits. The ringleaders will be O.J. Simpson and Tonya Harding. Wynona Ryder will be in charge of getting supplies, and Martha Stewart can secure all the funding. The gang will commit a series of crimes, leaving vague clues to the media so they can crack the story before the police. \nSome moral whiners might complain about the societal detriment of the actual crimes, but these naysayers are forgetting something important. Celebrities aren't people. They are puppets put on this planet to entertain the general population. Celebrity trials entertain us in a way that music, movies and sports never could. They provide the one pure American ideal that keeps the media afloat: scandal.
(03/11/05 4:45am)
I've always gotten the impression that if you don't drink enough milk, you will die.\nWhen I was growing up, drinking milk was just as important as staying in school. Not drinking enough milk was worse than selling yourself into prostitution or smoking crack-cocaine.\nMilk was ambrosia. It made you immortal. If you didn't consume the recommended three 8 oz. glasses per day, you were doomed to develop osteoporosis by the age of 12. And you would be short.\nImagine my surprise when www.cnn.com reported that milk might not be all that it's cracked up to be.\nSome studies show that milk might actually remove calcium from the bones to digest its high protein content. Research from a Harvard Nurses' Health study from 1997 found that women who consumed a large amount of dairy had higher rates of bone fractures than women who had very little. Several studies concluded exercise is more important to developing bone strength than increasing calcium. \nDairy also accounts for 25 percent of the fat intake in the diets of American children who have an increasing rate of obesity.\nBut for years, we've been haunted by one eternal question: Got milk? Those who don't "got milk" were thought to be screwed. But could the nutritional advice of celebrities with fake mustaches be wrong?\nThe beverage that goes well with cookies stirs up a lot of controversy. There are Web sites such as www.milksucks.com, where the drink is described as a "deadly poison."\nIf milk is so shady, how did it get such a fabulous reputation? Most of milk's publicity comes directly or indirectly from people who sell milk.\nThe National Dairy Council calls itself "the leader in dairy nutrition research, education and communication," providing nutrition information to the media, physicians, dieticians, educators and consumers. But the National Dairy Council is a sector of Dairy Management Inc, which is a marketing company that works for America's Dairy Farmers. Milk hysteria can't be avoided when the scientists are holding hands with the dairy farmers and frolicking through green cow pastures.\nScientific research is not free from bias, especially when it is funded by companies who stand to profit from any positive information learned about their products. Even doctors, teachers and credited news sources can get their information from research with an ulterior motive. A lot of health information available is designed to make money. The burden of finding the truth about nutrition lies with the consumer, and sometimes, the majority of information available has potential corporate bias.\nWe turn to science for the truth, not hype. We expect commercials to glorify goods and services, but people who wear goggles and play with laboratory rats are supposed to be our allies. Often the lab rats were bank rolled by a company trying to snag more customers. \nIs there a milk mafia scheming my demise for drawing attention to potentially biased research? Only tomorrow will tell. But the lesson is to be skeptical of health information no matter where it comes from. \nIf a new scientific study says that consuming 32 oz. of mayonnaise per day is essential in preventing influenza, definitely check it out. But be wary if the study was funded by the American Association of Mayo Manufacturers.\nThough respected nutrition expert Mr. T has endorsed milk, I pity the fool who relies solely on milk for calcium intake. Just like with fad diets, there are no miracles in nutrition. Question what you hear about anything touting health benefits.
(03/04/05 4:04am)
The word "heart" has several meanings. \nThe heart is a vital organ that pumps blood through the circulatory system. Heart is a rock band from Seattle featuring the vocals of Ann Wilson and the guitar skills of Nancy Wilson. Heart is also the power possessed by the Planeteer Ma-Ti from the hit '90s cartoon "Captain Planet." If you'll recall, he had a pet spider monkey.\nBut "heart" has become something more sinister. Deep inside the hospital of American vernacular is a ward for dying catch phrases. Lying on a bed, barely grasping onto life is the phrase, "I heart (insert noun of choice)."\nThere are members of our society leaning over the hospital bed, clutching the hand of said catch phrase, whispering reassuring words. Yes, these are people who still use "heart" as a verb. I heart New York. I heart Pan-Asian cuisine. I heart you.\nI hereby make my plea to society: Disconnect the life support. Let it die.\nNo one ever quite knows how a catch phrase begins. It's kind of like the birth of the universe. Maybe it was created by the hand of God. Maybe there was a big bang. We don't know. It just kind of happened. The most obvious direction to point a finger is northeast to New York City where vendors sell the infamous "I (shape of heart) NY" T-shirts at every street corner.\nPerhaps one day someone too clever for his own good decided to take the heart shape literally. It was no longer a pictorial abbreviation for love. The heart moved out on its own.\nToday, we find "heart" overworked and ready to die of exhaustion. We know slang is overused when it loses all meaning. But what does "I heart whatever" mean in the first place? Is it a synonym for "like" or a synonym for "love"? Is it the median between like and love? No one knows.\nI think it's a good verb for people who are afraid of commitment. "I heart you" sounds good, but it means nothing. It makes just as much sense as saying, "I hexagon you." It's time we started getting creative. If you're stuck on "heart," look to Lucky Charms for shape inspiration. When will the diamond or the pot-o-gold get time to shine?\nA study of slang conducted by the communications department of California Polytechnic State University said the content of what we say is a message about our identity. Using old catch phrases that make people nauseous not only displays a lack of creativity and individuality but also portrays the identity of a dead and brutally beaten horse.\nTo inform the public of which phrases have passed into the realm of taboo, we need to elect a Lexicon Master. The Master will decide which slang has become outdated. The first item on the Master's docket will be the heart. From now on, it is no longer socially acceptable to "heart" anything. If you insist upon publicly declaring how much you "heart" everything, prepare to be banned from society. I also propose the formation of a Slang Police.\nIf we can eliminate just one irritating catch phrase, the world will be a better place. The English language will be a little more pure.\nAnyone who says "I heart ... " will be locked away in a detention center. The heart offender will be shoved into a dark cell with a cell mate who sits in the corner muttering, "Fo' sheezey my neezey."\nPolluting our language with trite phrases dilutes the effectiveness of communication. Think of it this way -- every time someone says, "I heart blank," a puppy dies. Nobody hearts a dead puppy.
(02/24/05 6:01am)
Every once in a while you come across one of those deadbeats who always borrows money and never pays you back. Maybe his name is Larry. Larry just keeps spending more of your money and you become skeptical when he uses most of it to add to his vintage troll doll collection. \nFrustrated, you confront him saying, "Larry, you have to do something about this $4 trillion deficit."\nLarry is much like the United States. President Bush recently submitted his $2.57 trillion budget proposal to congress. The President has received criticism for leaving out itty-bitty details, such as the expense of military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan.\nThe administration is expected to request a supplemental $80 billion from Congress later this year to cover military costs. \nAccording to www.cnn.com, Bush's budget director, Joshua Bolten, said the additional military spending was left out because the amount needed could only be estimated. \nBush purposefully left the money out of the budget because he has his own plan to pay for extra military spending. I think he's going to sell candy bars.\n"Help the war effort. Satisfy your hunger with chocolate liberty goodness." \nIf everyone who voted for Bush in the 2004 election bought just one bar, they'd only run about $1,300 a piece. \nBesides, Bush doesn't have to rely on the chocolate mandate of the American people alone. He has friends. George Sr. and Babs like chocolate. And I know Tony Blair would buy one.\nBush's budget plan also failed to mention the added expense of the administration's plan to overhaul Social Security. White House aids said this omission also happened because of only having estimates on the cost, but we all know the real reason the president skipped that line in the budget. \nHe's going fund raising again. \nBut as I found out from a very irate high school band teacher -- selling candy is for sissies. If you're serious about raising some dough, the real money is in citrus fruit. Buy a case of naval oranges like any true American would.\nOne major difference between the United States and your deadbeat friend, Larry, is Article I, Section 8 of the Constitution, which says, "The Congress shall have the power to lay and collect taxes." Bush is claiming that he can cut down on the deficit by the time he leaves office, yet he pledges to make his first-term tax cuts stick around. \nBut the one thing his plan does do is cut money that is squandered on stupid things like education, health and agriculture. Suggested budget cuts would affect 150 programs, a third of which are in education.\nMedicaid would take a hit and the administration plans to cut down food stamp payments by $1.1 billion over the next decade. Sorry, poor people. The good news is you can always sell candy. \nWhile Bush is suggesting some heavy cutbacks in funding for trifling programs like the environment, military spending is set to rise by 4.8 percent. Security and war efforts are important, but throwing loads of money into the military is careless, unless you have the candy bar sales to back it up.\nThirty-four billion 300 million dollars, 26,384,615 expensive candy bars, was appropriated to an experimental missile defense system, which failed twice already in testing. Funding for the missile system will be decreased this year, but it's just an example of how easily military money can be wasted. \nIn his State of the Union address, Bush said his budget planned to eliminate programs that "do not fulfill essential priorities." \nBut as a concerned American citizen I must ask. Just how many troll dolls does the Pentagon need?
(02/24/05 5:00am)
Beep! Beep! That was the sound of Jimmy Fallon's career suicide after he left the cast of "Saturday Night Live" and chose to make "Taxi," his first major, post-show project. The film is a take-off on the 1998 French action-comedy of the same name, but something must have been lost in the translation. Yes, the American version has cool chase scenes with fast cars and beautiful women, but the plot is weaker than an egg shell and there's no comedy to make up for it. Plus, it's just plain boring.\nFallon plays Andy Washburn, a tragically incompetent New York City cop who can't operate a motor vehicle. He co-stars with Queen Latifah as Belle, a woman fulfilling her lifelong dream of becoming a cab driver as she zips around the city in a souped-up Crown Victoria. The two team up to catch sexy Brazilian bank robbers (headed by Gisele Bundchen). Fallon crashes into things and Queen Latifah is feisty. The end.\nWhat if the sexy Brazilian bank robbers get away with their crime? No one really cares. And worst of all, no one is laughing. The cast is talented but the script is weak. The only laughs to be found come from the outtakes shown during the ending credits when Fallon refers to himself as the illegitimate, white grandchild of Barry White. Fallon and Latifah are very capable actors for this brand of action-comedy, but the writing doesn't give them a fighting chance.\nA few key moments in the film that sparkle like diamonds in the coal mine of boredom include a drunken mother in a pink bath robe, a lime green Dae Woo bursting into flames and a rendition of Natalie Cole's "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" sung in classic Fallon falsetto. \nThe DVD sports an extended version of the film, deleted scenes and five featurettes. The most notable featurette is a candid look behind the scenes guided by Fallon where he admits to being "mediocre funny" and points out good places on the set to hide bongs. Also included is "Beautiful Criminals" which shows only clips of the sexy bank robbers so you can watch attractive women in action without all those annoying movie parts in between. \nDie-hard Fallon fans might enjoy the extra face time, but beware: it is painful to see a loved one suffer. Sitting through "Taxi" might give you the urge to put poor Jimmy out of his misery or at the very least turn off the DVD player.