'Taxi' not worth the fare

Beep! Beep! That was the sound of Jimmy Fallon's career suicide after he left the cast of "Saturday Night Live" and chose to make "Taxi," his first major, post-show project. The film is a take-off on the 1998 French action-comedy of the same name, but something must have been lost in the translation. Yes, the American version has cool chase scenes with fast cars and beautiful women, but the plot is weaker than an egg shell and there's no comedy to make up for it. Plus, it's just plain boring.\nFallon plays Andy Washburn, a tragically incompetent New York City cop who can't operate a motor vehicle. He co-stars with Queen Latifah as Belle, a woman fulfilling her lifelong dream of becoming a cab driver as she zips around the city in a souped-up Crown Victoria. The two team up to catch sexy Brazilian bank robbers (headed by Gisele Bundchen). Fallon crashes into things and Queen Latifah is feisty. The end.\nWhat if the sexy Brazilian bank robbers get away with their crime? No one really cares. And worst of all, no one is laughing. The cast is talented but the script is weak. The only laughs to be found come from the outtakes shown during the ending credits when Fallon refers to himself as the illegitimate, white grandchild of Barry White. Fallon and Latifah are very capable actors for this brand of action-comedy, but the writing doesn't give them a fighting chance.\nA few key moments in the film that sparkle like diamonds in the coal mine of boredom include a drunken mother in a pink bath robe, a lime green Dae Woo bursting into flames and a rendition of Natalie Cole's "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" sung in classic Fallon falsetto. \nThe DVD sports an extended version of the film, deleted scenes and five featurettes. The most notable featurette is a candid look behind the scenes guided by Fallon where he admits to being "mediocre funny" and points out good places on the set to hide bongs. Also included is "Beautiful Criminals" which shows only clips of the sexy bank robbers so you can watch attractive women in action without all those annoying movie parts in between. \nDie-hard Fallon fans might enjoy the extra face time, but beware: it is painful to see a loved one suffer. Sitting through "Taxi" might give you the urge to put poor Jimmy out of his misery or at the very least turn off the DVD player.