The truth is out there

The world is full of unsolved mysteries that amaze the general populous and leave even scientists scratching their heads. CNN recently reported a story with the headline: "Exploding toads baffle scientists." Toads are puffing up and exploding in a pond in Hamburg, Germany. So far no one knows why.\nCue the haunting theme music. I'd say this is a job for special agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Nothing has "The X-Files" written all over it like a baffling case of exploding amphibians. Unfortunately the hit sci-fi series ended three years ago after spanning nine seasons. But many were not ready to see it go, even though the storyline was limping along on its last leg with Scully having a baby and the absence of Mulder. \nAfter 201 episodes, the show was more than ready to fade away but its exit left a gaping hole in sci-fi genre television. Sure, we have aliens. We have crime solving. But there's nowhere near enough government secrets or mysterious cigarette smoking. Let's face it, nothing on TV measures up to the adventures of our favorite stoic FBI agents. Some shows try to fill the cavernous "X-Files" void, but they fail miserably. \nI'll admit that since Mulder (also known as hot, hot David Duchovny) bowed out of "The X-Files," I've steered clear of most sci-fi TV. But I consulted a television expert -- a fellow student who happens to watch TV -- to explain the premises of today's most popular sci-fi. Believe me, I've tried to watch these shows, but the boredom is more than I can bear. \nThe first inadequate show is NBC's "Medium" starring Patricia Arquette as Allison Dubois, a woman who solves crimes with the special "gift" of reading peoples' thoughts. My television expert summed up the show as follows: "It's about a lady who knows what happens to dead people." The whole "I see dead people" thing has been done. Not only did Haley Joel Osment see the deceased in "The Sixth Sense" but psychic John Edwards "talked" to them in the Sci-Fi Channel's "Crossing Over with John Edwards." Nice try, NBC. \nInadequate show number two has somewhat of a cult following. I'm not knocking obsessive cult followings, I just think the series at hand doesn't deserve the obsession. "Stargate: SGI" of the Sci-Fi Channel is one of those let's-fly-spaceships-and-fight-aliens shows. (Oh, one of those ...) My TV expert says of the plot: "They go through different portals that lead to different planets and they fight each other," "they" being a secret military team formed to explore these portals or "stargates." \nThe show stars Richard Dean Anderson as Colonel Jack O'Neill. Anderson is most famous for his performance as Angus MacGyver in the hit 80's series "MacGyver." If "Stargate" had a slightly catchier theme song and little more ingenuity, such as disabling a time bomb with a toothbrush, maybe it could measure up to "MacGyver." But it will never touch "X-File" status. \nIn light of today's sci-fi deficiency, I'm proposing a new series to sooth the pain of "X-File" fans everywhere. It would combine the thrill of crime fighting with the mystery of aliens in a way "Medium" and "Stargate" never could. The show would star Chuck Norris (formerly "Walker, Texas Ranger") as a border patrol agent who battles the trials of illegal aliens by day and the antics of space aliens on the side. No genre of alien can compete with Norris' martial arts skills. And when the government attempts to step in because the border patrol knows too much, a rogue government informant with a distinct habit will dispense clues. The informant: The Knuckle Cracking Woman, played by Betty White, formerly Rose of "The Golden Girls." The chemistry of a White-Norris combination will be groundbreaking. I promise -- no portals or psychic powers, just good television.