Nobody likes a pair of twin quitters

I challenge anyone to stand up, look me straight in the eye and say, "The Olsen Twins should not make another movie." You can't do it, can you?\nOlsen movies are like a security blanket, a nightlight, oxygen. Supposedly the two sisters are now focusing their careers on fashion. But I can't stand seeing Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen not making new movies. These are stars with acting and directing skills in the ranks of Orson Welles, Clint Eastwood and Mariah Carey.\nThey say you can't make twin movies forever, but dare I ask, why not? What kind of twisted, twin-hating communist made that rule? If the career of the lovable Mary-Kate and Ashley has taught me anything, it's that the rules of cinema are made to be broken.\nYou've heard it all before on "E! True Hollywood Story." Starting at only nine months old, the sisters shared the dynamic, groundbreaking role of Michelle on ABC's "Full House." The two are worth an estimated $300 ba-ga-jillion with their own company, Dualstar Entertainment and various wheelings and dealings with Wal-mart.\nThe girls' acting career was like a giant Tootsie Pop. It just got better and better with each lick until it reached the pinnacle of brilliance, a chewy Tootsie Roll center I like to call "New York Minute." This feature film is the twins' finest work to date and arguably the best film of the twenty-first century. The movie follows the two sisters to New York City where they fall into a series of hilarious mishaps and, despite their quirky differences, team up to thwart criminals.\nGranted, when I went to see "New York Minute" with a friend (who came along willingly, I might add) we were the only two people in the theater. But the general populous can't be expected to appreciate true art for its genius. We can't let the genius end there.\nSure, I can keep track of important dates on my Mary-Kate and Ashley calendar. Yes, I can waste away the hours playing Mary-Kate and Ashley Official Online Fan Club air hockey. But that's not enough for me. They've made nearly 50 movies in their career. Why stop now?\nHollywood has been plucked of its brightest stars, by the fashion industry no less, an industry that holds much blame for instigating eating disorders. (And an eating disorder is reportedly what afflicts our beloved and frail Mary-Kate.) The twins have been deemed style icons and have their own fashion line (only available at Wal-Mart.) Ashley recently interned for designer Zac Posen and Mary-Kate is projected to be the new face of Calvin Klein. As senseless as it might seem, the twins are on the fast train to Fashion City.\nMary-Kate, Ashley -- Listen to my plea. Fashion is not the way to go. Most of us have already learned to dress ourselves, but only you, Mary-Kate and Ashley, can teach us how to love, how to laugh, how to outsmart criminals with funny accents.\nIf the big silver screen is too taxing, the world could always use another straight-to-video flick. Couldn't you travel to at least one more city? You've filmed in London, Paris, Sydney, Rome, the Bahamas -- why not Beijing, Munich or Timbuktu? The world is a big place for two small twins. Explore it. Show us through your eyes, Mary-Kate and Ashley. There are comical capers and two matching boy toys on every continent. I don't care where you go. Just film something so I can sleep at night.\nThe twins have their whole lives ahead of them. It's the perfect opportunity to extend the "You're Invited" party series. "You're invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Wedding Party." They can marry a set of conjoined twins. Why not "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Rest Home Bingo Party?" And of course, everybody's favorite coming of age tale: "The Adventures of Mary-Kate and Ashley: The Mysteries of Senile Dementia."\nAnd heaven forbid, if I outlive the twins, which I might, for a life of show business is a very strenuous life indeed, then I expect to be invited to "Mary-Kate and Ashley's Funeral Party."\nMaybe you're content to let the twins sink into the quicksand of the fashion industry. Maybe you can brush your teeth with Mary-Kate and Ashley toothpaste and simply say goodnight. Maybe not everyone agrees that the Olsen twin filmography should span many decades to come. But I don't think there's a person alive who can dispute the fact that "You're Invited to Mary-Kate and Ashley's Hawaiian Beach Party" is desperately crying out for a sequel.