Crime does pay

Warning: If your name is McGruff the Crime Dog, I urge you to stop reading.\nI am about to suggest something highly unorthodox. Celebrities should commit more crimes.\nThe drama of celebrity mixed with the drama of the courtroom is a cocktail necessary to the survival of journalism. According to my calculations, celebrity trials make up about 98 percent of the news.\nThe Michael Jackson trial is the perfect example. In the past few weeks we were inundated with headlines such as "Michael Jackson was late again" and "Michael Jackson wears goofy pants." I applaud the news agencies for breaking these pertinent news stories on a daily, if not hourly, basis.\nWhy do the famous on trial receive so much media coverage? The answer is obvious: The outcomes of the trials have a profound impact on all of our lives. If Lil' Kim goes to prison for perjury, my life will change in so many ways. Such as ... uh ... \nAs an aspiring journalist, I'm concerned with how much the profession relies on celebrities doing stupid things. If famous people ever clean up their acts, I'll be out of a job. \nI have a few suggestions. If Britney Spears and her new husband Kevin Federline were to, oh, I don't know, rob a liquor store, that would be perfect.\nLindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and some other teen idol like Alex Trebek should form a trifecta of crime. I envision jaywalking, stealing mail or perhaps operating a massive telemarketing scandal. \nCelebrities receive pressure to be good role models because they're in the public eye, but that's a bunch of hoo-ha. If celebrities were role models we'd all be drinking Cristal and marrying our back-up dancers.\nAnd won't somebody please think of the children? The youth of our nation tend to idolize rock stars and professional athletes, currently the epitome of good morals and family values. If everyone famous suddenly turns to crime, won't the kids be corrupted? Don't worry. Dr. Phil says that parents are the biggest influence in children's lives in spite of celebrity impact.\nWhile I'm on the topic of Dr. Phil, I suggest he do his part to keep America's media stable. I'm thinking identity theft or possibly narcotic trafficking.\nIn my first introductory journalism class, we were asked the deep question: What is news? The debate came up as to whether or not celebrities are actually newsworthy. Based on today's media climate, I've decided that celebrities are the only news.\nMaybe celebrities are just ordinary people who happen to make a lot of money and have their names known by millions, but the rest of us need to know their every move. Every time Jennifer Anniston buys a sandwich, I want to know about it. Every time William Shatner gets the sniffles, I want to see it on the front page. People are put on trial every day, but when celebrities are shuffled through the judicial system, we can all point and laugh.\nTo maintain the existence of the news, it is absolutely imperative to form a gang of renegade celebrity bandits. The ringleaders will be O.J. Simpson and Tonya Harding. Wynona Ryder will be in charge of getting supplies, and Martha Stewart can secure all the funding. The gang will commit a series of crimes, leaving vague clues to the media so they can crack the story before the police. \nSome moral whiners might complain about the societal detriment of the actual crimes, but these naysayers are forgetting something important. Celebrities aren't people. They are puppets put on this planet to entertain the general population. Celebrity trials entertain us in a way that music, movies and sports never could. They provide the one pure American ideal that keeps the media afloat: scandal.