Homeland scare-curity

Dear Department of Homeland Security, \nMy boyfriend is afraid of commitment. What should I do? -- Suzie\nDear Suzie, \nRemind your boyfriend that safety comes in numbers. In case of a chemical terrorist threat, you'll want to seal off a room with tape and plastic. This will go much faster with two people. \nThis was just a test of the Department of Homeland Security's Emergency Advice Column System. Had there been an actual terrorist threat, the advice would've been much more vague and foreboding.\nThe Department of Homeland Security has an ad campaign featuring doe-eyed children asking questions about emergencies. The public service announcement directs viewers to a Web site, www.ready.gov, after warning, "There's no good reason not to have a plan in case of a terrorist attack."\nSure, it's easy for the government to endorse preparation. The government has sophisticated resources to anticipate possible terrorist threats -- stuff like an intricate network of intelligence and fancy weapons. Ordinary citizens have ... duct tape. \nThere's no good reason not to have a plan in case you eat bad canned goods and contract botulism. There's no good reason not to have a plan in case an elephant escapes from the zoo and storms your house. There's no good reason not to have a plan in case you accidentally walk through a rift in time and end up in ancient Rome.\nI hate to say it, but there's no way for the average citizen to prepare for a terrorist attack because an attack could be virtually anything. Terrorists might resort to biological warfare or release millions of rabid chipmunks into major metropolitan areas. We have no way of knowing what to expect unless we could subscribe to a Terror Cell weekly newsletter or read an al-Qaida blog.\nAnd even if we did know what to expect, how prepared could we really be? You might be forced to repopulate the earth with the creepy neighbor if you two were the only ones who sealed off your houses with garbage bags before the nuclear holocaust.\nThe Homeland Security Web site features the slogan "Don't be afraid -- be ready." But telling people to be ready just makes them afraid.\nThe site features little-known insider tips such as, "During a nuclear incident, it is important to avoid radioactive material, if possible."\nInstructions teach how to seal up a room in case of contaminated air. Sealing yourself in a room reminds me of something else kept in a small container -- silly putty. If I'm not mistaken, silly putty is easy to manipulate.\nDoes America really need to revert back to the post-Sept. 11 climate of fear? How many safety whistles do we need to buy before we are prepared for attacks? There's nothing wrong with providing vague safety tips on a Web site for those who are especially paranoid, but the constant public service announcements are a waste of resources, and the only purpose they serve is scaring people.\nI hate to see a government resort to scare tactics to gain the support of its citizens. Frightened people are notorious for giving the government support when it might not deserve it. The Nazi Party in Germany and public support for the recent war in Iraq are just a few examples. It might seem cliché, but the words of FDR's first inaugural speech during the Great Depression hold true by modern standards: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."\nIf storing extra drinking water, food, gas masks and elephant repellent makes you feel safer, by all means, stock up. But life is full of emergencies and disasters, terror-related or not. As average human beings, we can't prepare for every possible dilemma. That's why we have superheroes.