Have it your way

The Burger King is so much more than just a monarch. Not only is he the mascot of a fast food chain second only to McDonalds, he is also an artist.\nAlas, his art seems to be of a dying breed, like glass blowing or mashed potato sculpting. But the art of fast food is one of the last pure embodiments of what America stands for. Burger King wields the paintbrush that graces the canvas of culinary delight. With every stroke, he revives the dying art of pushing high-calorie food.\nUnhealthy food looked to be going the way of the giant panda or the California condor. We find ourselves emerging from a storm of fad diets. McDonalds began an ad campaign that glorified salads. Fast food trends were leaning toward healthier choices. Carbohydrates were our enemy. Dr. Atkins was God. It was a scary time for America.\nAs the storm clouds clear, only one man can save us. Burger King emerges as a hero by recently unveiling the Enormous Omelet Sandwich. The sandwich features a sausage patty, two eggs, two slices of cheese and three strips of bacon for a grand total of 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. (More calories and fat than a McDonalds Big Mac.)\nFoods high in fat and cholesterol, such as meats, eggs and cheese, aren't healthy, per se. And eating such foods can increase the risk of heart disease, one of America's top killers. But for art, we must make sacrifices.\nIf you see a picture, the sandwich looks much like a school bus on a bun. The Enormous Omelet Sandwich is something that would make our forefathers proud. It represents every important American ideal: being big, being fast and, of course, breakfast. While revolutionaries might not have agreed with any undue authority of the Burger King himself, they would have admired his work.\nIt says right in the U.S. Constitution, "We the People of the United States, to form a more perfect Union, establish speed, ensure domestic breakfast, promote the general large size of everything, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves blah blah blah ..."\nIn the spirit of patriotism, I can only say one more thing about the Enormous Omelet Sandwich: We can do better. Nutrition facts are based on a diet of 2000 calories a day. Why not make a sandwich that includes an entire day's worth of calories in one meal? With a little can-do attitude, there could be more bacon, more cheese and more bacon again. Just make it bigger.\nHardee's "Monster Thickburger" has 1,400 calories, but it's still not enough, and worst of all, it's not breakfast. You might be able to rack up the morning calories with a long list of pancakes, sausage, eggs, bacon and French toast all at once, but we need it all in one food entity. Here in America, we're all about efficiency. If it's not between two pieces of bread, just forget it and go home.\nIf we can't make a breakfast sandwich that contains 2,000 calories and is made fast and ready to order, then the terrorists have truly won.\nThe Enormous Omelet Sandwich might be lacking in calories, but it's a step in the right direction. Being large and having three strips of bacon is about as much as you can ask a sandwich to do to uphold the values that make this country great. The Enormous Omelet Sandwich: a true American. And the flame-broiled king who created it is rendered a true American hero.