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(04/28/10 10:04pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I came to college this year with expectations. Expectations of a life of endless toga parties. Juvenile yet ingenious pranks with no repercussions because “boys will be boys” and a dorm system that basically allowed for all sort of shenanigans, no questions asked. In other words, I believed in what Hollywood told me college would be like.They were simple expectations, fostered in the images of “Animal House,” “National Lampoon’s Van Wilder” and “Road Trip.” Yet, I realized that at no point could I steal away from college for weeks at a time to go on a road trip across the country, along the way getting myself into ridiculous yet strangely life-changing situations that would, in the end, make me a better person. Nowhere did I ever find a man who ran parties so ridiculous that he became a legend on campus, yet still checked for IDs at the door.I once even anonymously e-mailed the school administrators asking about what the possible punishments would be for putting a horse in the dean’s office. Apparently that’s not something you joke about.Instead, this school year has been full of new responsibilities, laundry and these things called “classes” that none of those movies even made a big deal about. They’re hard — they give you homework and everything.Now, I’m not saying I didn’t have a good time this year. Coming from a high school in Minnesota where only one other person from my graduating class decided to become a Hoosier, I found a home and a community in Bloomington. I love IU, and I am proud to say I am a student at this institution.What I have a problem with is Hollywood continuing to build up the hopes of young high school students around the country who are licking their lips at the prospect of losing both their sense of responsibility and their innocence, all while learning important life lessons that will end up making them more complete individuals. They exaggerate, nay, they downright romanticize the college lifestyle, and the buck stops here.I envision a new line of college movies, some that are much more true to form to the college experience. One can be called, “Harold and Kumar Do the Laundry: Where Did All My Clean Underwear Go?” Another can be called, “Dude, What Do You Mean My Midterm Was Yesterday?”And I foresee an American classic in the soon to be hit, “National Lampoon’s My God If I Eat Another Scrap of Dorm Food I Will Kick a Squirrel.” So come on Hollywood, get with the program and make movies that give the freshmen of tomorrow a more realistic insight into the world of college living. Also, if in your next movie you could tell me what to do with the horse I’m keeping in my room, that would be much appreciated. E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(04/21/10 9:42pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Apparently teenagers text a lot.While that might not seem like earth-shattering news to many people, myself included, it’s seemed to cause a bit of a stir in the world of news, as a recent study by the Pew Internet and American Life Project claims more than 30 percent of teens in America text more than 100 messages a day. They also conclude that teens prefer texting to talking. While this might be a startling number to see on paper, I feel like we can all agree that this “texting craze” is simply a behavioral trend in the communication techniques of a new generation.Well, not everyone. According to a CNN story, this texting craze is a bit more than it appears. In the story, a child neurologist, Dr. Michael Seyffert, explains that when kids get text messages, they experience a release of dopamine, much like the kind of reaction a heroin addict has whenever he or she uses. Long story short, says Seyffert, children could be getting addicted to text messaging, and it is becoming “the new nicotine.”Having said that, this is where Seyffert and I part ways. There are some serious differences between using heroin and texting. For example, one of the activities is a communication technique whose speed and popularity has made it the easiest way for adolescents to quickly get in touch with one another, whereas the other is a drug you inject into your bloodstream to see pretty colors. I’ll let you figure out which one is which.And honestly, of all the “addictions” for kids to get hooked on, how harmless is text messaging? Aren’t there worse things for tomorrow’s generation to be getting into?Sure, I’d bet teachers would probably tell you that a student texting during class is really annoying, and I’ve heard some teachers even say that it is an addiction, but I think they need to have some perspective.I’d bet a teacher would agree that if a student started snorting lines of cocaine in class, that might turn more heads than a student answering a text from his mom.I’m just saying. Perspective.But if we are to go along with this new hypothesis being floated out there that people can get addicted to texting, I say we take this newfound, virtually harmless addiction and bring it to the rehabilitation clinics of America.Think about it. Those who were once addicted to crack and meth can be given a cell phone with everyone’s number and then be forbidden to talk. They can spend the day texting each other, and they will slowly replace their dependence on the hard drugs with a dependence on social interaction.Of course, if this new “social interaction” addiction fails to be satisfied by texting, we can always give them a Facebook account. I challenge them to even find time for heroin then.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(04/14/10 9:03pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>So I’ve been getting the feeling lately that Microsoft is falling behind the times a bit. Granted, there were signs out there for me to go on, but none of them were quite so, well, striking as this particular one. According to an online story from BBC News, Microsoft has released a new phone that it calls a “social” phone. It has, according to the story, “been created specifically to help people who like to stay in touch with friends and share content.” Now, there are many places to start with this, but let me begin by questioning what exactly it was that Microsoft thought that phones were used for before. The fact that this is labeled as a “social” phone makes me wonder whether or not I was on the cutting edge of society before because I always figured that a cell phone that allowed me to talk to anyone around the world instantly was inherently a “social” device. I’d love to think so, but, frankly, I don’t think I’m that smart.Are there people not using cell phones to stay in touch with friends? Are there people out there who are isolated and alone in nature and simply pay their Verizon subscription every month to continue to use their phone to start fires, make crude cave drawings and chop wood (that last task of course being done by the Razor)? But, wait, says Microsoft, we’ve worked together with social networking sites such as Twitter, Facebook and MySpace to make it easy for you to share content with loved ones right from your mobile phone. Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that Microsoft, I was too busy using my Droid phone from HTC to Tweet about how I’m tagging everyone from the party this weekend in pictures on Facebook. Bottom line, it’s been done before.Also, I just deleted my MySpace because it’s 2010.All kidding aside, I’m sure that Microsoft customers will love this new, seemingly “done before” product just like Apple die-hards will eventually embrace the iPad (because, in the paraphrased words of James Earl Jones, if Steve Jobs builds it, they will come).Bottom line, Microsoft, stick to what you’re good at. Many a night has your brilliant creation known as Xbox Live distracted some poor college freshman from completing his paper or studying for his test because, as he puts it, he wants to “pone newbs” into the wee hours of the morning. And, though many would care to argue, I actually think Bing is a better search engine than Google, even though the commercials give me nightmares.So, Microsoft, sometimes doing your best at a few different things is better than jumping into every new technological advancement. I mean, I could try to do well in school, life and Xbox Live, but until my grades are up to par with my “poning newb” skills, I think I’ll just stay a one-trick pony.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(04/07/10 9:51pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I’m a bit of a sucker for politics. I love watching CNN report nightly on the happenings on Capitol Hill. Yes, Anderson Cooper, you keep on doing your thing.Of course, I let the love work itself around to all branches of the federal government. I love the executive branch because it’s the face we put on our great nation for the world to see. I love the legislative branch for its rules, regulations and compromise (plus I think the word “filibuster” sounds kind of funny).Yet the recent news that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is considering his retirement (which is expected to be announced one way or the other by month’s end) was a cheerful reminder that, at the end of the day, I love the federal government’s judicial branch the most.Now, there are many reasons to love the Supreme Court. Maybe you love the life-long terms as a justice, ensuring that the court won’t be swayed by worries of “re-election” or “lobbyists.”Maybe you enjoy how the most lasting legacy of a presidency may come down to which justices he appointed to the Court. I myself am I fan of the old SC for just these reasons.But for how much I love it, there is a gap in modern political etiquette that the two other branches have filled, but the Supreme Court has left void: Hollywood entertainers have not yet invaded our judicial branch.They seem to be everywhere in recent history. Ronald Reagan, an actor, was our president, and Arnold Schwarzenegger became the governor of California.As someone who grew up in Minnesota, I watched professional wrestler Jesse “The Body” Ventura become my governor, and I watched comedian Al Franken become my senator.Thus, Minnesota was, during the course of 20 years, responsible for the election of both the funniest (Franken) and the second-most badass politicians in the country (Ventura finished behind Schwarzenegger — the man was the Terminator for crying out loud). Truthfully, the Supreme Court doesn’t know what it’s missing. Too long has the court been plagued with uninteresting “lawyers” and “old people” who have taken the “supreme” out of Supreme Court. What I would give to see some stars of the entertainment world pop in to put it back.Imagine someone like Sylvester Stallone sitting in the place of Justice Stevens. What would be the downside in that? Forget about lack of experience, and the fact that it’s hard to understand anything he says. We’re always talking about the judicial system looking out for the little man, the underdog, the nobody — and someone like Stallone would do that. After all, he was Rocky Balboa.In the end, I just want the drama of such landmark cases as “Brown v. Board of Education” and “Roe v. Wade” to be matched by the dramatic chops of the judges deciding them. And if putting Rocky on the bench will do that, then so be it.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(03/31/10 8:47pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>While watching television this weekend, I came across an interesting commercial.What was this commercial selling, you ask? Well, it was a self-improvement product, but let’s jump backward in time to what we already know about products meant to “improve you” and “get rid of your flaws.”I grew up being told to be insecure about a few very significant things, things that will in fact make me a worse person should I let them get out of control.Things like bad skin, hair loss, weight — you know — things that make me less of an important/socially desirable person. (What, you thought a personality did that? That’s not what the media says, and I believe everything MTV sponsors tell me.)But now society has given me yet another thing to feel insecure about, and, frankly, I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before.The product is called “Heel Tastic,” and it’s kind of rocking my world. Here I was, sitting around, minding my own business, when all of a sudden the fine folks at “Heel Tastic” gave me an epiphany.Yes, I do have awful heels, heels that might very well need a “sander” and might very well “pop a balloon” on contact (I must have been a real buzz kill at birthday parties).I don’t know how I’ve lived with myself this long. My heart goes out to all the people who have had to walk behind me whilst I wore sandals.As I’ve spent time worrying about my pimples and waistline, people must have been sick looking at my terrifyingly ugly heels.I didn’t even realize people looked down there; how behind the times am I?But no longer.Finally corporate America has completed my heart’s puzzle for perfection. It gave me one simple message for success and I listened: screw your personality, buy what we give you and maybe you’ll end up with a reality show.Truly now, we must be done. Is there anything else we can perfect? If you have bad acne, here’s this; if you’re losing your hair, here’s that; and if you have tiny extremities, someone with bigger hands can hold your Burger King double cheeseburger. I’m curious to see what it is that corporations try to use to distract us from the idea that being a good person will make us happy because I need to be reminded every day.Whenever I see a girl about to walk into a puddle, I reach out my coat and almost drop it down in front of her. Then I come to my senses and remember that the Gap told me that this jacket makes me feel hip and attractive.I’m just glad I got these sexy, smooth heels in time for my little cousin’s sixth birthday.If I had popped her balloons with my heels that would have been terrible.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(03/24/10 9:17pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I love America. Especially that whole First Amendment thing, the one that says we can say what we want as long as it doesn’t start a fire in a movie theater. I haven’t read it in a while, but it’s something like that. This in mind, I propose a constitutional amendment that expands on the brilliance of the first one and states that we are no longer allowed to say or express whatever we want, when we want to, no matter who is talking. I bring this up because on Sunday during the House debate on the recently passed health care reform legislation, Republican Rep. Randy Neugebauer yelled “It’s a baby killer!”This was during Michigan Democrat Bart Stupak’s emotional statement defending a last-minute deal made for a vote for said legislation from Stupak in return for “an executive order guaranteeing that the bill would not change existing limits on federal funding for abortion.” Now, let me begin by saying I am not here to comment on the issue of abortion at all. That said, I heard in a social studies class once that there are rules as to who gets to speak when in the House of Representatives, and although Mr. Neugebauer has since apologized, it’s a little bit like when you were 6 years old and you had to apologize to the elementary school principal for taking your pants off in the cafeteria. Yet this has come on the heels of another Republican Representative — Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C. — shouting “You lie!” during a speech by President Obama in early September. And of course, I think we all remember Kanye West’s infamous interruption of Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech at the MTV Video Music Awards later that month. Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand that interruptions are an American tradition, for who can forget the great old high school homecoming tradition of a student interrupting the football game to run naked across the grass in front of a proud yet understandably uncomfortable community. Yet this American spirit has gotten out of control. Now it is just confusing my inner 7-year-old, who was not only told to not speak if it was someone else’s turn to talk (which I learned when I interrupted my mother’s friend to ask her a question when she was trying to tell a story), but also not to speak unless you have something nice to say (and I asked her why her butt was so big). These “celebrities” and “people we’ve put in charge of running our country” seem to have forgotten the simplest rules we learn as children. My solution: a new constitutional amendment so they’ll relearn them. Either that, or we send them back to elementary school. We’ll say I sent them ... the lunch ladies will hate them.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(03/10/10 9:54pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I have always been a man who enjoys the Academy Awards. Something about having the careers of extremely insecure individuals be legitimated by the decisions of 6,000 random members of some secretive “academy” has always just felt right to me. Yet this year, I noticed a few things that inhibited my ability to watch great actors and actresses squirm for three and a half hours, and here are my suggestions about how to right these wrongs. I’ll jump right in and begin by asking the Academy to please stop inviting people to the Oscars who have no business being there. The most prestigious night for movies should be reserved for those who have actually contributed to the movie industry, so let’s leave Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus at the door. It’s kind of like Disney is that really cool dude you want to invite to the party, but he always brings the buzzkill friends with him who sing along to the music, kind of creep everyone out and then steal your liquor. Seriously, I think I’ve contributed as much to the film industry as both of these individuals — by doing nothing. As a matter of fact, I would say I’ve done more. At least I was in neither “High School Musical 3: Senior Year” nor “Hannah Montana: The Movie.” I’ve heard Cyrus is starring in a movie based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks, the writer of “The Notebook.” For those of you keeping track at home, she’s heading in the wrong direction.Next, to expand on this point, if you’re going to invite people who don’t have any sort of business being there, don’t take time out of the red carpet pre-show special to interview said individuals about what movie they think should win Best Picture. To show you how much I care about the fashion/movie choices of people who mean nothing to me, during the Oscars I was wearing a pair of “Spongebob Squarepants” boxers, complemented by some leftover Jimmy John’s crumbs, with a hairstyle that says, “Yeah, I haven’t showered yet today, you got a problem?” Also, I thought “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” got snubbed.I’m sure you don’t care, which is exactly how I feel when current B+ list celebrities are asked these same questions. Sure, I understand there are people who enjoy this, and that it is of course tradition, but so is the running of the bulls in Spain. That doesn’t make it a good idea.Finally, please keep letting celebrities do jobs totally unrelated to their work as actors. I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to let Keanu Reeves introduce the Best Picture montage for “The Hurt Locker,” but my hat’s off to them for providing the only surprise of the night. Well, that, and the realization that Forest Whitaker directed “Hope Floats.” Say it ain’t so, Forest, say it ain’t so.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(03/04/10 12:02am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I tend to side with the belief that the end of the universe rests in the end of all possibilities existing within the framework of our own imaginations. If I’m right, then I have just found the end of the known universe, and it exists within the frameworks of a social network.Apparently, there is a new social networking site called Sparkpeople.com, a site for people looking to lose weight. They log in and join groups and are able to swap goals and tips while also being exposed to blog posts written by certified trainers. In essence, it’s the Facebook of fitness.Now, I really have nothing against the idea of the site because making the decision to lose weight and change your lifestyle is honorable, but what I have a problem with is combining the idea of losing weight and being active with the laziest form of technology out there: social networking Web sites.They have online discussions, and I’d like to start one of my own, titled, “Tell me how many calories you could have burned in the time it took you to respond to this discussion question ...”Now, I am in no way a beacon of fitness. I love food, food loves me, and my glorious love handles are the evidence of the lustful and wildly experimental relationship food and I share. But even I’m aware that ways to lose weight do not include sitting behind a computer, talking to people you don’t know about how hard it is to lose the very weight you’re accumulating as you sit idly typing.These are the same people who think “Wii Fit” is a legitimate form of exercise.People will tell me to think of it like a support group with like-minded people supporting each other as they lose weight in a stress free, non-judgmental setting. True, but then who is going to pressure you into weight loss by pushing society’s norms on you? There’s no trainer named Stan yelling in your ear about how worthless you are.Anyone who has been in this situation hates it, but you fit into that bikini for beach season (even if it was just alone in my room ... wait, did I type that out loud?).Let’s be honest here, we want to lose weight because people like Stan have conditioned us to believe that we want to live long, healthy lives eating Lean Cusine’s plastic dishes and hating carbohydrates. I would much rather shave 15 years off my life by enjoying a frequent meal of BBQ smoked ribs and French fries than live a longer life eating peas. I hate peas.So to the users of Sparkpeople, log off. If listening to society judge your worth by your clothing size isn’t part of the weight loss plan, and you’re just using it to meet other people who are too lazy to actually exercise, join Twitter. Losing weight by itself is an overrated societal acceptance tool, just like Twitter.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(02/24/10 11:24pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>So there I was, finishing up the final touches on my application for my summer job while simultaneously reading an interesting story on CNN.com. The story discussed the recent surge in bizarre talents written on people’s resumes. Specifically, it said that what you might think are interesting tidbits for employers can, and will, hurt your chances of being employed.I began to panic and question some of the decisions on my own application. Yet, after about six hours of waffling between the decision to keep or leave off my accomplishment of finishing the fabled two-and-a-half pound burger at a restaurant in Minnesota, I realized I was just kidding myself. Of course I would keep it. That article was garbage.Case in point, the article mentions someone who wrote on their resume that they had been champion at a hog-wrestling competition, and that this had been a mistake. When asked why, the employer remarked that they simply didn’t see the relevance of such information.What’s the relevance? Are you kidding me? How about perseverance? A drive to succeed? A knowledge of the finer points of swine takedown techniques, perhaps?Have you ever tried to take down a hog? It’s not as easy as it looks, and I don’t even think it looks easy. As if this atrocity weren’t enough, the article goes on. It tells applicants to focus on academic achievements and GPA, while ignoring other, more “bizarre” talents and skills. Where and when does my GPA reflect my ability to recite every line from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (obviously showing off a clear understanding of memorization techniques and public speaking skills ... I’m just saying)?The article discusses having full disclosure and avoiding undisclosed gaps in employment history, but not every employer will understand the year off I took to try and find Carmen Sandiego.It says to avoid spelling and grammar mistakes, witch is redickulos beecuz sumtymes mi spel chek broke.It says to avoid things like narcissism and to have a little bit of humility. I say the heck with that. I’m too awesome for humility.But while we’re supposed to leave off things such as those listed above, the article still tells us to include our “passions” and things that separate us from other applicants. Are we then to assume that when applying to work for a lumber company, someone who claims to have a “passion” for beating small wildlife animals senseless is being more “relevant” than someone who holds records on four arcade games at his local Chuck E. Cheese’s?That Dance Dance Revolution game is tougher than any board room I’ll ever sit in. I’m just saying.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(02/17/10 9:54pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>A few weeks ago, Barack Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel used a word that is derogatory toward mentally handicapped individuals to describe fellow Democrats. Former Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin seemed to be the most offended by the whole ordeal, as she has a son with Down syndrome. Palin called for Emmanuel’s resignation.I agree with Palin on whether or not the word should have been used because, hey, it shouldn’t have. However, we disagree on why. Frankly, I believe that Emanuel should have gotten even more childish when describing the Democrats.People often ask me why it is that nothing ever gets solved in politics, and my answer is this: They are acting too much like adults. Children get stuff done. Why? Because they ridicule each other, that’s why.Think back to the glorious days of elementary school, when recess was spent arguing about whether to play kickball or four square.Back then there were no arguments about the logistical time it would take to set up either game versus the amount of total participation each sport allowed in the time given. Rather, someone would be called a “poopie face.”Tears usually followed this primitive ordeal, but you chose which game to play, usually because Jimmy’s mother was rumored to be “so fat that people jogged around her.”I am sick of hearing about the inability of Congress to get anything done because it spends all day arguing about “facts” on health care. I want one Senator to just stand up and forget this nonsense, instead proclaiming that his counterpart “smells like doo-doo.” Let’s see them try to filibuster that curveball.Some people might get mad at me for this article and claim that the action taken by Emanuel shows the immaturity that American politics has sunk to. But come on, politicians are already immature little brats, evidenced by all of the complaints they make on a daily basis: “Oh, we can’t pass health care with a filibuster proof majority because we’re worried about being called socialists!”I’ll address these pathetic cries for help with the words of my former football coach: “Put some mud on it, grow a pair, and get the %$#@ back out there!” In retrospect, he probably wasn’t the greatest influence.So, you keep your mediocre daytime ratings, C-SPAN, because until I hear that our political system has reached a point of such immaturity that we’ve taken to debating a bill based on “Yo Momma” jokes, I’m just going to keep watching MTV.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(02/11/10 12:03am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I am someone vehemently opposed to any sort of physical exertion, and I have watched gleefully as our society has become progressively lazier.This has happened with such innovations as the remote control, so we can avoid having to walk the five excruciating steps to manually change the channel. It has also included the Segway, to replace pedaling a bicycle, and the automatic flushing toilet. (Question: How much effort was it actually taking to simply turn around and flush yourself? Answer: Too much.)But never have I been so excited by the possibility of a new product. We, as a society, have opened the door to becoming even lazier.Apparently, a Silicon Valley-based company called NeuroSky has now developed a technology that allows people to control objects with their mind. Through this, they have metaphorically given the very idea of physical activity a sadistic kick to the groin. Now, the technology seems to be designed mainly for those with physical disabilities. The developers hope it allows people who might not otherwise be able to send e-mails or move wheelchairs to do so with their minds. This, of course, is a justifiable and noble cause and one that should truly revolutionize the world.The greater achievement, however, appears to be the other uses for this new technology. These includes children’s games, like one where you use your mind to control a ball in a tube. As you concentrate more, the ball goes up, and vice versa. This will allow for children to stay inside for 8, 10, maybe even 12 hours at a time, staring at a ball in a tube.In other words, this game will make my Facebook addiction look like a gym membership.They even talked about doing – get ready for it – a reality television show, based entirely on people doing things with their minds (as I’m typing this, I’m shaking and violently salivating with excitement). The thought of watching people stare at inanimate objects for prolonged periods of time is the kind of edge-of-your-seat TV that makes “24” look like the “Home Shopping Network.”NeuroSky is also looking to put this into cars, so that if you’re drowsy the car will read your thoughts and will tell you to “pull over and get coffee.” This is perfect because the idea of telling people to be responsible and make the judgment of whether or not they can drive themselves is just wishful thinking. Plus, I’ve been terrified lately that one of the 87 Starbucks I see every day will go out of business.The question of whether people with the means to do regular, everyday tasks really need this technology is one that will most certainly be brought up. People that ask this question are simply kidding themselves because those Doritos are all the way on the other side of the couch, and the adorable little boy from the Superbowl told me to keep my hands, not my mind, off them. E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu
(02/03/10 10:26pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I had thought this was a slow news week. Between the State of the Union being in the books and my refusal to watch the Grammys (I’m too afraid of Lady Gaga and whatever spiked ball of death she was carrying down the red carpet ... seriously, look it up. Does no one in the music industry search for weapons anymore?), I thought there would be nothing to talk about. I was wrong.Instead, the world’s scientists have once again destroyed a child’s ability to imagine. This time, they hit too close to home. Apparently, children will no longer be able to imagine what color dinosaurs are.According to CNN, scientists from China and the UK have used advanced technology to discover what color dinosaurs were (it was reddish-orange mind you) by examining membranes in certain dinosaurs. In the process, they have also discovered yet another way to brutally murder my inner six-year-old.One scientist claimed this achievement was “huge” and that “we now have a basis for choosing a certain color if you were coloring in a dinosaur book.” What if we didn’t want to know what color we were “supposed” to color dinosaurs? Maybe a certain freshman wanted to use the crayons to draw the dinosaurs in the coloring books in his dorm room any color he damn well pleased.Of course this is huge. Of course this is something we should be focusing on instead of trivial pursuits such as renewable energy and climate change! Anyone arguing differently hasn’t fully grasped the magnitude of this discovery.What do we do now with Barney, the big purple dinosaur with a bounce in his step and a song in his heart? Does this mean Barney wasn’t real? Does that mean the “I Love You” song wasn’t real? What about the “Clean Up” song?Was that “Magic School Bus” episode where they went back and saw the dinosaurs that were colored vibrant blues, greens and yellows merely a mirage? Was Miss Frizzle lying to her students? Was Miss Frizzle lying to me?Oh boy, the room is starting to spin.What’s next, science? There is no life on other planets? The Loch Ness Monster isn’t real? The Tooth Fairy is just my mom? (Actually I’m finding that one out on my own. I’m strapped for cash so I’ve taken to pulling out my teeth for extra money ... I’ve pulled out half my mouth and haven’t seen a cent.)Granted, science’s contribution to finding out more about our planet usually disappoints me. I mean, when I found out I couldn’t fly because of something called “gravity,” it really ruined my 17th birthday. But I guess this hurts because now I can’t care about the melting ice caps or the gradual warming of the planet because obviously this is a much more important issue.Next thing you know, science will find out the true “colors of the wind” and my digitally re-mastered “Pocahontas” DVD will be worthless.
(01/28/10 1:25am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>As I sat glancing through my friend’s apps on his iPhone while listening to my iPod, which was connected to my MacBook in order to sync it with the music I got from iTunes, which I then planned to use in my iMovie that would, of course, include some of my pictures on iPhoto, something slowly began to dawn on me.Suddenly, I sprang up, ripped out the Apple ear buds and glanced around, slowly succumbing to the reality that had just struck me: I had been afflicted with Apple-ization.For those not familiar with this “Apple-ization” epidemic, it is a lethal social disease that affects mainly college students, Californians and old people who don’t understand how to use PCs.It occurs when the sociopathic controllers at Apple engineer everything in one’s life, creating a monopoly on your existence, and while nine out of 10 doctors (the last doctor never replied to my e-mail) have all assured me that this condition is not deadly, I refuse to take chances. I feel my time is growing thin and I must use my last moments to warn the world of my epiphany.It all began a few days ago when I went on Facebook and saw a group titled “I hate Apple” with group members claiming that Apple owners are “obsessed with their products” and that Apple is over-hyped. This is crazy, I thought. Apple is just like any other company, and I’m not obsessed with my products.I then opened my Safari browser and went to CNN’s Web site to get my world news. That’s when I saw it: a story about Apple’s new “mystery product.” The story described Apple as a “cult,” making reference to individuals who go on pilgrimages to different Apple stores around the country, much like the pilgrimages made to Mecca by Muslims and Jerusalem by Jews and Christians. And that’s when I realized it: Apple is the anti-Christ.Honestly, Apple, what sort of crazy contraption are you thinking of putting out next for us to blindly follow like lost sheep? When will it end? iRefrigerators? iFood? iFemale Escorts (which should at least make religious pilgrimages to Apple Stores much more interesting)?Maybe Apple is simply planning a product called “iEverything” that will include everything you will ever need, including beds, dishwashers and portable bedrooms, which I’m betting will still be bigger than Wright Quad’s. Apple products will become all you will ever need to be happy as they guide you with their easy-to-use applications and iTunes visualizers (which I’m also fairly certain promote marijuana consumption ... I know what they’re up to with those “psychedelic colors” ... there’s no fooling me).There’s no denying that Apple has revolutionized the technological world and that its products make us want to jump for iJoy. But until we stop holding Apple up on a pedestal and start treating it like any other company, I fear it will continue to have an iGrip on our lives.E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu