Say it ain’t so, Barney

I had thought this was a slow news week. Between the State of the Union being in the books and my refusal to watch the Grammys (I’m too afraid of Lady Gaga and whatever spiked ball of death she was carrying down the red carpet ... seriously, look it up. Does no one in the music industry search for weapons anymore?), I thought there would be nothing to talk about. I was wrong.

Instead, the world’s scientists have once again destroyed a child’s ability to imagine. This time, they hit too close to home. Apparently, children will no longer be able to imagine what color dinosaurs are.

According to CNN, scientists from China and the UK have used advanced technology to discover what color dinosaurs were (it was reddish-orange mind you) by examining membranes in certain dinosaurs. In the process, they have also discovered yet another way to brutally murder my inner six-year-old.

One scientist claimed this achievement was “huge” and that “we now have a basis for choosing a certain color if you were coloring in a dinosaur book.”

What if we didn’t want to know what color we were “supposed” to color dinosaurs? Maybe a certain freshman wanted to use the crayons to draw the dinosaurs in the coloring books in his dorm room any color he damn well pleased.

Of course this is huge. Of course this is something we should be focusing on instead of trivial pursuits such as renewable energy and climate change! Anyone arguing differently hasn’t fully grasped the magnitude of this discovery.

What do we do now with Barney, the big purple dinosaur with a bounce in his step and a song in his heart? Does this mean Barney wasn’t real? Does that mean the “I Love You” song wasn’t real? What about the “Clean Up” song?

Was that “Magic School Bus” episode where they went back and saw the dinosaurs that were colored vibrant blues, greens and yellows merely a mirage? Was Miss Frizzle lying to her students? Was Miss Frizzle lying to me?

Oh boy, the room is starting to spin.

What’s next, science? There is no life on other planets? The Loch Ness Monster isn’t real? The Tooth Fairy is just my mom? (Actually I’m finding that one out on my own. I’m strapped for cash so I’ve taken to pulling out my teeth for extra money ... I’ve pulled out half my mouth and haven’t seen a cent.)

Granted, science’s contribution to finding out more about our planet usually disappoints me. I mean, when I found out I couldn’t fly because of something called “gravity,” it really ruined my 17th birthday. But I guess this hurts because now I can’t care about the melting ice caps or the gradual warming of the planet because obviously this is a much more important issue.

Next thing you know, science will find out the true “colors of the wind” and my digitally re-mastered “Pocahontas” DVD will be worthless.