Letter to the Academy

I have always been a man who enjoys the Academy Awards. Something about having the careers of extremely insecure individuals be legitimated by the decisions of 6,000 random members of some secretive “academy” has always just felt right to me.

Yet this year, I noticed a few things that inhibited my ability to watch great actors and actresses squirm for three and a half hours, and here are my suggestions about how to right these wrongs.

I’ll jump right in and begin by asking the Academy to please stop inviting people to the Oscars who have no business being there. The most prestigious night for movies should be reserved for those who have actually contributed to the movie industry, so let’s leave Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus at the door.

It’s kind of like Disney is that really cool dude you want to invite to the party, but he always brings the buzzkill friends with him who sing along to the music, kind of creep everyone out and then steal your liquor.

Seriously, I think I’ve contributed as much to the film industry as both of these individuals — by doing nothing. As a matter of fact, I would say I’ve done more. At least I was in neither “High School Musical 3: Senior Year” nor “Hannah Montana: The Movie.” I’ve heard Cyrus is starring in a movie based on a novel by Nicholas Sparks, the writer of “The Notebook.” For those of you keeping track at home, she’s heading in the wrong direction.

Next, to expand on this point, if you’re going to invite people who don’t have any sort of business being there, don’t take time out of the red carpet pre-show special to interview said individuals about what movie they think should win Best Picture.

To show you how much I care about the fashion/movie choices of people who mean nothing to me, during the Oscars I was wearing a pair of “Spongebob Squarepants” boxers, complemented by some leftover Jimmy John’s crumbs, with a hairstyle that says, “Yeah, I haven’t showered yet today, you got a problem?” Also, I thought “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” got snubbed.

I’m sure you don’t care, which is exactly how I feel when current B+ list celebrities are asked these same questions. Sure, I understand there are people who enjoy this, and that it is of course tradition, but so is the running of the bulls in Spain. That doesn’t make it a good idea.

Finally, please keep letting celebrities do jobs totally unrelated to their work as actors. I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to let Keanu Reeves introduce the Best Picture montage for “The Hurt Locker,” but my hat’s off to them for providing the only surprise of the night.

Well, that, and the realization that Forest Whitaker directed “Hope Floats.” Say it ain’t so, Forest, say it ain’t so.


E-mail: henrgree@indiana.edu