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(07/18/12 11:18pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I’m sure everyone has heard by now of the “rape joke” controversy surrounding comedian Daniel Tosh, but here’s a quick summary in case you missed it.A couple weeks ago, Tosh was in the middle of a standup bit about how rape jokes are always funny, when a female audience member took offense to his opinion and interjected, “Actually, rape jokes are never funny,” according to the anonymous woman’s blog post, which, naturally, spread like wildfire across the Internet.Tosh, in response to the heckler, speculated on the event of her being spontaneously and immediately gang raped by “a bunch of guys.”Definitely not the best way to handle the situation.Tosh later apologized to the woman on Twitter, yet this did nothing to quell the fury of those who had already caught wind of the incident.What Tosh said was an overreaction to the heckling, but I can’t understand the outrage this incident has sparked across the nation.Check that. I do understand it. Rape is a horrible crime, and I hate that it exists in the world. But I think people are missing the point by making Tosh out to be a villain.What Tosh said was not a joke. It was a spur-of-the-moment attempt to defend himself from what he perceived as a verbal attack. And his words did the job he intended them to do; the woman was embarrassed and upset enough to post a blog about it. As I said earlier, he definitely could have handled the situation better.The conversation this incident has sparked — about what topics are joke-appropriate — is an important one to have every once in a while, if only to marginally enrich a few ignorant minds.What topics can we joke about? All of them. Everything is game. If you can’t joke about everything, then you can’t joke about anything. There are no sacred cows. There are no untouchables. That’s just how it is with free speech.Once somebody determines one topic more appropriate over another, the whole system breaks down.Certainly, there are inappropriate ways to talk about rape, but making jokes is not one. Joking is something we need. It’s a means of expression that must be allowed unadulterated.Tosh may have been wrong in his reaction, but he wasn’t wrong in joking about rape. You don’t have to listen to Tosh or ever watch his show, but make sure you don’t vilify him for the wrong reason.He did not cross any line by performing his comedy bit, which the heckler attended on her own accord, because no such line exists. He admitted his error. Maybe she owes him an apology too.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(07/04/12 8:08pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I haven’t eaten McDonald’s for a few years.The beginning of this departure from the cheeseburger dreams and french fry delights of Mickey D’s can probably be traced back to around the time when “Super Size Me” was cruelly shown in my sophomore geography class.I’ll never truly understand why geography was a necessary class for me to take back then. I mean, I already know most of the states in the Midwest without checking a map, plus I’ve heard of Vigo County.What’s more, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to figure out why we watched that documentary in a geography class. I know there are McDonald’s restaurants all over the world, but watching Morgan Spurlock slowly poison himself with grease and trans fats didn’t really get me thinking about geography.But it did get me thinking about McDonald’s. Since Ray Kroc founded the McDonald’s corporation in 1955, the restaurant has quickly grown into a bustling, booming fast-food empire. Boy, does it feel good to use the word bustling. Seriously, try it. Bustling.And I don’t use the word empire, or bustling, lightly here. Think about it. These days, McDonald’s is not just a restaurant anymore. It seems to have somehow transformed into a power station of entertainment and accessibility, like something out of a Ray Bradbury novel.They’ve always had toys, but now they have RedBox. You can go and rent a movie at McDonald’s. I’ve noticed many chains now have two drive-thru lanes, which seems like an excess number of drive-thru lanes if you ask me. They even serve pie at McDonald’s! Pie! It may be McDonald’s pie, but pie is pie, people. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but once when I was in Japan I went to a McDonald’s and inside I found a McDonald’s.Now, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see where this kind of product convergence can lead. Google has gone to great lengths to maximize their advertising potential, even if it means pushing the limits of some privacy laws. What if companies like McDonald’s and Google were to merge? How far away are we from becoming the mind-slaves of these big companies? Are we already?On a positive note, we may be closer than ever to being able to download a cheeseburger right to our homes. Please type the letter “p” if you would like pickles on your McGoog burger.For now, it appears McDonald’s will simply remain the most dominant fast-food business in the world and the creepy, science fiction stuff will stay in the backs of the minds of kids with big imaginations.Maybe we should just keep an eye out and make sure we don’t let McDonald’s become the one-stop destination for all our wants and needs.Alas, at this moment, I am sitting in a van in the parking lot of a McDonald’s in Florida getting ready to email this column back to Bloomington. My family and I are staying on the beach this week and unfortunately our room does not provide free Wi-Fi access.But McDonald’s does.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(06/20/12 10:07pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>OK, so this isn’t really about the longest day of my life. I just said that in the title to make things seem more dramatic. Uh, sorry. But wait! I was only half lying, and that means I was half telling the truth.You see, June 20 was the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. At about 7:09 p.m. the sun was shining directly overhead at the Tropic of Cancer — ahhhhh cancer! — while the North Pole reached its maximum tilt toward the sun.What does all this scientific mumbo-jumbo add up to mean?Well, for us inhabitants of the Northern Hemisphere, it means it’s the official first day of summer.Ah, summer — the greatest of the four seasons. It’s the sweet nudge of warm air breezing through your open window to wake you in the morning. It’s the smell of chlorine, sunscreen and “grassoline” — the alluring aroma of a freshly mown lawn. It’s a wavy mirage floating up and away from a baked asphalt road. It’s a version of freedom. Just think of all the possibilities:Now, you can go to summer camp for real.Now, you can stop paying for spray-on tans.Now, you can feel honest about eating summer sausage.Now, you can sing that song “Summer Breeze” out loud while you walk down the street (not recommended).Now, your annoying friends will stop correcting you for mistakenly saying it was summer when it was actually still spring.Now, your probation is over!But what is most important about the official beginning of summer is that it gives us a checkpoint. You know back in January when you made those resolutions and really, really meant to follow through with them? And then school kind of got in the way and you decided once class was over you would have lots more time to get those goals accomplished. Then, classes ended and you decided you would take a week off to celebrate before tackling that project.Well, it’s been a few weeks now, and if you’re like me, you probably haven’t done everything you were planning on doing this summer. That’s what’s so great about the summer solstice. The summer has just started — anything you wanted to do but, for whatever reason, chose to put off until later can now be done. We’ve been given a blank slate to work with since June 20.Let’s take advantage of it.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(06/03/12 10:06pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>I’m not going to say it.I’m not even going to think it.No. Please no. Oh my god, I can’t keep it in any longer! The zombie apocalypse is here and we’re all doomed!It’s been nice getting to know you all. Well, except for you, George. Thanks for nothing, George.When the first report came out this weekend of a naked man reportedly “growling like an animal” while eating the face of a homeless man along a Miami highway, I was a little disturbed (OK, a lot disturbed), but not yet anywhere near panic mode.But then another incident of cannibalism surfaced: a case in Maryland in which a man admitted to murdering then eating his victim’s heart and parts of his brain.Alright, after that last sentence I’m honestly regretting even starting this column. But the show must go on. And I must fill space on this page.In the first case, “bath salts,” which some are calling “the new LSD,” are suspected to be the driving force behind this awful crime, but does that mean we can necessarily rule out an incurable, highly contagious, mind-controlling virus that engenders a craving for human flesh?I mean, well, I don’t know.Just don’t come crying to me when zombies attack your town and you find yourself with Tom Waits, up shit creek and without shotgun ammo. I’ve seen enough “Walking Dead” to know that ammunition is the most valuable resource in the event of a zombiepocalypse, and I’m not about to shell out any of my supply to a guy who doesn’t prepare himself.So, here’s how you need to prepare:Make sure you have enough food and water to last through long sieges.You might not always be able to get out of your shelter to search for the essentials.Buy a shotgun or crossbow and lots of ammunition. If you need to use your weapon, remember that zombies must be shot in the head.Don’t get your girlfriend pregnant. This will be a huge issue if you need to escape a hoard of ensuing zombies.Always try to add members to your group if you can, but be wary. While a larger group will provide more protection, keep in mind that not everyone will retain their morals after an apocalypse.Good luck to all of you. Except for you, George.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(05/30/12 11:48pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>When young children are involved, most parents and adults usually try to “keep things PG.”This means taking the necessary precautions to make sure their child is isolated in as many ways as possible. No swear words, no nudity, no violence, no drugs. Think “Sesame Street.” “Winnie the Pooh” is OK even though he doesn’t have pants on — although he does exhibit addiction.“Keeping things PG” is the typical adult’s way of handling their children. Parents are worried the wrong influences could get to their vulnerable children and ruin their futures.When children are removed from the equation, though, adults employ a far more sinister rule. When adults deal with adults, the new objective is to “keep things PC.” Politically correct.A high school principal in Connecticut recently canceled the student vote for prom king and queen in order to give “everyone the same opportunity to be a member of the prom court.” Rather than vote, all students will be allowed to enter their own names in a box and two winners will be drawn at random.Well, shoot, why didn’t I think of that? Maybe that’s how we should run the presidential election this year. You know, just so everyone truly has the same opportunity to win. This is a democracy after all. Hopefully that guy eating paint chips won’t win.This is oversensitivity to an absurd level, which is to say, this is political correctness. It’s not being respectful, which is what people should be going for. Political correctness is born from weak, cowardly people who shrink back from any adversity. They just pray everyone goes through life without ever feeling rejection or pain.It’s clear to see that “keeping things PC” is more or less the same thing as “keeping things PG.” Sure, it’s natural and maybe even noble for a parent to try to protect their child from harm, but at a certain point, the kid has to learn to grow up.Incidentally, this is exactly what people like the principal in Connecticut need to do: grow up.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(04/25/12 12:58am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>What a great way to start off a night. With a light. A bright, bright light under a dark, dark bridge. A bridge darker than a black hole inside a cave. A bridge darker than a shadow’s pocket. A bridge so dark it was built by Donnie Darko during the Dark Ages!So, it was pretty dark. This bridge near my house was the site of a mugging early in the school year. That didn’t bode well for my nerves for a few weeks. I really hated the bridge. I avoided walking under it as much as I could, even during the day.While bridges can be useful in some ways, it is important to understand they can also be detrimental to the environment in other ways. For example, bridges might enable trains, cars and people to pass over ditches without falling, yet they also provide perfect dwellings for muggers and vampire bats to hide and reproduce. So, not such a great trade-off after all. Needless to say, even with the six auto turret sentry guns strategically positioned around my house, I was a little anxious at night sleeping about 100 feet away from this bridge’s dark underpass. It seemed if anything was going to go wrong in Bloomington on a given night, it was bound to happen under that bridge.I considered digging a moat around my house, but that would have inconvenienced the mailman. I decided I would just have to overcome my worries and deal with the bridge in a civil manner. I began walking under it every day on my way to and from class.It wasn’t long before I developed a friendly rapport with the bridge. I became comfortable walking under it, even at night. I could hardly remember why I had ever been uncomfortable around it in the first place.Then, one night, I noticed the bridge that has always been so dark as long as I’ve known it looked much brighter than usual. I found there had been a streetlight installed on a telephone pole just a few feet away from the bridge, vastly enhancing visibility underneath it.I have no clue how or when this light was put in, but I can only guess it was done by someone working for the city of Bloomington. If so, I would like to thank them. Although I eventually came to terms with my bridge, I feel much better knowing it will be well lit during future nights.I understand it’s impossible to rid the city of all danger, but it’s nice to know someone out there is concerned with improving public safety for students and citizens, even if it only happens one light at a time.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(04/03/12 11:15pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>According to the Organ Procurement and Transplantation Network website, there are presently 113,456 Americans on the waiting list for organ transplants.By far, kidneys are the most direly needed organ, with 91,373 candidates on the list, yet there will only be about 17,000 kidney transplants done this year. So, how can we supply kidneys for about 74,000 more people?In 2007, Julio Elias, an economist, wrote in the Wall Street Journal, “The introduction of monetary incentives could increase the supply of organs sufficiently to eliminate the large queues (of kidney candidates), and it would do so without increasing the total cost of kidney transplant surgery.” I realize this sounds repulsive and possibly mafia-related at first, but opening up a kidney market might not be as bad or insane as it initially seems.Most humans are born with what is essentially an “extra” kidney. We might enjoy having two kidneys, just for the sake of symmetry, but when it comes down to it, we really only need one to get by. My own grandpa was born with just one kidney, and he lived 87 healthy and happy years with it.If healthy people can survive with just one kidney, why shouldn’t we allow them to benefit from donating? It’s a purely symbiotic relationship. I give you a kidney, and you give me money. Both parties benefit.Singapore reportedly pays donors as much as 50,000 Singapore dollars ($36,000 in the U.S.) to give up one of their kidneys. Iran, by paying people for donations, has completely eliminated kidney waiting lists. But these countries are in the minority. Right now, selling organs is illegal in almost every country, so I understand this isn’t a change that will happen overnight. I’m not even saying we should necessarily open up an organ market, but I think it is a topic worthy of discussion.Many people are disgusted by the idea of paying people for organs, which is understandable. It makes me kind of queasy just thinking about donating blood, much less a kidney. Yet it is legal to donate blood and other bodily fluids.If I were to object to a blood drive just because it seems gross, I doubt anyone would take me seriously. The fact is blood donations save lives. If kidney donations can do the same thing, why shouldn’t we consider allowing them?— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(03/07/12 1:54am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>An investigation by the NFL’s security department last Friday confirmed Gregg Williams, currently the defensive coordinator of the St. Louis Rams, illegally employed a bounty system during his three-year stint as coordinator with the Washington Redskins.ESPN reports the bounty system included “financially rewarding defensive players for big plays, including knocking opponents out of games during the 2009-11 seasons.”Reportedly, defensive players were paid $1,500 for forcing a player to leave the game because of injury and $1,000 for injuring a player badly enough that he had to be carted off the field.This kind of malicious behavior is completely inexcusable. In an already violent sport in which players risk concussions, serious leg injuries and even paralysis on any given play, a bounty system significantly increases the chances of severe injury.When athletes can benefit from intentionally harming others, they are no longer athletes but mercenaries. Likewise, football seems to lose its dignified identity as a sport and instead becomes combat.What else would one expect? Imagine yourself on a football field competing against opponents you knew were literally trying to break your leg. All of a sudden winning doesn’t seem so important. Now, your primary concern is self-defense, and the game itself loses significance.What might be worst about Williams’ bounty system being exposed is the apparent lack of ambivalence some players have demonstrated toward participating in this system. Matt Bowen, who admitted to playing under a bounty system for Williams during his time with the Washington Redskins, wrote in the Chicago Tribune, “It was our gig, our plan, our way to motivate, to extra-motivate.”Another one of Williams’ former players, Phillip Daniels, also defended Williams.This kind of ignorance is almost impressive. At least Williams was mindful enough to formally apologize for what he called “a terrible mistake.” But the players’ attitudes are striking. They illustrate just how influential coaches are in the minds of players. Even while taking part in something so obviously wrong, they have failed to see any problem with it.The NFL has made several rules during the past years trying to keep players as safe as possible, including essentially child-proofing kickoff returns. If it is truly dedicated to the safety of its players, it will set a precedent with Williams’ punishment that will prevent bounty systems from ever happening in the NFL again.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(02/22/12 5:00am)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Exact Change Guy is aware of the slight roll of the eyes that occurs every time someone notices him sifting through the change in his pocket in hopes of finding the precise total of whatever he’s buying.Yes, he perceives this snobbery, and while he mostly succeeds at shrugging off the judgments of the ignorant, it does begin to grate on Exact Change Guy over time. It bothers him sometimes. Sometimes it more than bothers him. But it does not sway him because what drives Exact Change Guy is true reasoning, and true reasoning can never be defeated.Exact Change Guy, above all, strives to be efficient. He understands change, like bacteria, reproduces through binary fission and can accumulate very quickly, especially in dark, fecund places, such as the pocket of a human’s jeans. The more it grows, the faster it grows. He who does not monitor his change build-up soon finds himself overwhelmed.So, to combat this effect, Exact Change Guy takes advantage of his opportunities to reduce the amount of change in his possession. He understands the sacrifice of taking a few, brief moments to find the exact amount of change to pay with is more than worth the pain of contributing to an increasing pool of change.For he who chooses to just round up and pay for that $2.17 cinnamon bagel with $3 is adding 83 cents to his coin cache, a number which will continue to expand over time.Piggy banks are useless, as they only provide a larger pocket for change to accrue in. Eventually, the piggy bank is forgotten, and soon the kitchen counter and the dresser top become the prime dispatch centers for change. Without a proper dim environment to flourish in, the abandoned change slowly dies and fades away from this world, rematerializing in the Realm of Easy-To-Lose Stuff, along with socks and pencils.At this stage, the change is lost. Sure, it may be only 83 cents this time, but in the course of a month it could be a few dollars. Then, several dollars. The process of losing money through change accumulation is endless.On the other hand, Exact Change Guy, when buying his bagel, will stand there for a couple of seconds looking for that 17 cents he knows he has somewhere. This will come to the displeasure of the person waiting behind him in line or the annoyance of his girlfriend or the frustration of the cashier, but it does not matter because, Exact Change Guy is saving himself tons of money in the grand scheme of things.What is the exact price of Exact Change Guy’s commitment to finding exact change when he pays for stuff? Appearing eccentric? Becoming a social outcast? Well, Exact Change Guy can tell you the exact price because he is Exact Change Guy, and he will gladly pay that price.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(01/25/12 5:41pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Well, looks like it’ll be another late night for me. Yes, it seems an overabundance of homework and a multitude of extracurricular activities have once again landed me in the middle of that age-old battle between sleep and productivity.There’s really no win in this situation. If I stay up and do my work, I’ll be a zombie tomorrow. My brain will be so dull I won’t even be able to come up with uninspired metaphors like the one I just used.On the other hand, if I don’t do my work, I’ll fall even further behind in class and will have that much more work to do later.If only there were some sort of magical potion I could drink to instantly give me a decent amount of energy. Not enough for all day, but maybe just a few hours worth. Maybe like five solid hours of energy, and then I could go back to being tired. Yeah, that would be perfect.What is it about 5-hour Energy that impresses us so much? Is it the taste? The tiny bottle? No, it’s the concept of instant energy. Nowadays, people seem to be working somewhere between 22 to 26 hours a day, and they need fuel to keep them going, but they aren’t doing it the natural way anymore. That would take too long.When I say the “natural way,” I’m referring to outdated techniques such as getting a good amount of sleep, eating nutritious and well-proportioned meals and exercising regularly. These habits have simply fallen out of practice for many Americans who now turn to coffee, energy drinks and energy bars to supply their drive during the day.With products like these, I’d be a little worried if I were in the sleep industry. Sleep is going the way of the newspaper companies, which went the way of the dodo bird, which went the way of the dinosaurs, which went the way of my train of thought.As intriguing as the idea of energy in a bottle might sound, I’ve learned over the years that nature is never wrong, although people sometimes make mistakes. Maybe a shot of 5-hour Energy can help you get through a rough day every once in a while, but a reliance on these types of products just can’t be good in the long-run.I hope you’ve enjoyed this column, but I’d better excuse myself now. You see, I’ve got a busy day coming up tomorrow and I need to get some sleep if I want to be at my best. Good night.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(12/05/11 9:49pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>What is it about responsibility that makes us shudder and shrink back in fear? Sure, we want all the power that comes with responsibility, but when it comes time to stand accountable for our actions, we suddenly become players in some sort of demented game of Hot Potato, eager to rid ourselves of any duty as fast as possible. But this is a children’s game.It’s about time for society to start showing some accountability for what we’ve done, which is why I believe we need to reassess the naming of the unicorn.Unicorns are legendary creatures, often depicted as white horses with spiraling horns growing out of their foreheads. Their diet is said to consist primarily of giggles and rainbow matter, but this is unconfirmed, largely because nobody has ever seen a unicorn. Personally, I think this is because unicorns have the ability to turn invisible.Some people say unicorns don’t exist, but that’s beside the point. What matters now is that we get the name right. We can no longer pretend everything is OK in the world with the word “unicorn” being passed around. Do they have spikes of corn on their heads? No, they have horns. It’s just illogical to call them unicorns. Instead, they should be called unihorns.According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word “unicorn” comes from the Latin terms “uni-,” meaning “one,” and “cornus,” meaning “horn.” This dates all the way back to about the 13th century, showing just how deep-seated this problem is. It might seem difficult to change a several century-year-old conviction, but if we continue this practice, we’ll have only ourselves to blame.This is where the responsibility comes in. It doesn’t matter who started it. It only matters who fixes it. Sure, it’s easy to just accept the name and proceed with your life; that’s what people have been doing for more than seven hundred years. But if we want to make a difference, we have to start now. Otherwise, who knows what could happen.I think the biggest risk is clearly the well-being of unicorns. If people believe they have corncobs jutting out of their foreheads, it won’t be long before poachers start hunting them for their ears. Like, their ears of corn, not the ones they hear with. Of course, you might wonder why people wouldn’t just hunt them for their spiral horns. Well, as it turns out, spiral horns don’t taste as good dressed with salt and butter.Mark Twain once said, “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter — it’s the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” If we aren’t careful with our words and names, people are bound to misinterpret meaning. So take responsibility today, and start calling unihorns by their proper, sensible name.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(11/07/11 10:47pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Looks like it’s that very special time of the year again, the time when all the post-pubescent people of the land stow away their razors and prepare for a full month of uninterrupted hair growth. Ladies, let your legs grow prickly like the great Saguaro cacti of the Sonoran Desert. Guys, allow your faces to bloom into lush whiskery gardens. And may everyone’s unibrows flourish freely, for it is No Shave November.Of course, there are some of us who are lacking in the ability to effectively grow body hair. It’s a difficult state to endure, not being able to develop a full beard, having to get by with the few scraggly patches we’ve been given. Likewise, the women who are unable to produce a sufficient amount of armpit or leg hair will have nothing to shave this year. It seems so unfair that such misfortune should prevent one from participating in No Shave November. In order to combat this injustice, I have come up with a few alternatives to No Shave November that will allow everyone to take part in the fun of not doing something.No Shower November: Back in America’s colonial days, self-hygiene for many people essentially consisted of dabbing a wet sponge on the face and hands. There were no showers, no loofas, no Garnier Fructis hair conditioner. It seems these people lived life to the smelliest, and if they did it, why can’t we? Not showering in November would save thousands of gallons of water, not to mention tons of time. But don’t think not showering means you have to smell bad. All it will take is copious amounts of deodorant, cologne and perfume to mask the stench. Remember, it’s for a good cause.No Thanks November: This one might seem to contradict the general feeling of November, as Thanksgiving is the biggest holiday of the month, but I think No Thanks November could take off.Basically, you just don’t say thank you to anyone. This seems kind of rude because it is kind of rude. If someone holds the door open for you, just walk right on by. You can smile and nod, but just don’t thank them. When Thanksgiving rolls around, you might feel obligated to be thankful for your family members. This is fine, but make sure not to verbalize those feelings. They’ll understand it’s for a good cause. No Change Underwear November: Due to the fact I can’t really grow a beard to not shave, this is most likely the event I’ll be partaking in. This is the least noticeable option, so it will take a good amount of self-discipline to go through the whole month without changing your underwear. The rules are simple: don’t change your undies. Now, if you want to take a liberal interpretation of this rule, you might be able to get by with washing your skivvies as long as you don’t put on a new pair, but purists will say it’s necessary to leave the same pair on all month long. This idea seems gross at first, and later on, it will still seem gross. Just remember, it’s for a good cause.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(10/24/11 10:51pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Hello, all, and welcome to the first official meeting of One Million Momma’s Boys, where fighting obscenity is our number one priority. I would like to begin today by commending our parent organization One Million Moms — an online organization unifying mothers everywhere to fight for children — on its recent persistence in harassing Ben & Jerry’s. The ice cream company recently released a new flavor called “Schweddy Balls,” created in honor of a certain 1998 Saturday Night Live skit portraying Alec Baldwin as a man named Pete Schweddy. We agree with One Million Moms that this flavor is extremely inappropriate foar children and offensive to men who have overactive sweat glands near their genitals. However, while we always support our parent organization in its censorship efforts, we feel they have missed the bigger issue. Ice cream is a dangerous substance that can cause brain freezes and gets sticky when it melts, which is annoying. Furthermore, chocolate ice cream looks like feces, which is not a suitable food for children. Therefore, One Million Momma’s Boys will maintain a firm anti-ice cream stance. We will not protest any one flavor but all ice cream.If you are against children eating feces, please help our cause and send an email to Ben & Jerry’s telling them to grow up.Next issue: For those of you who have not checked our website lately, you might not know of the atrocity Fox network is about to commit by creating an animated show called “Allen Gregory,” which airs Oct. 30. In this show, a 7-year-old boy is portrayed as being “intelligent, sophisticated, worldly, artistic and romantic,” according to our parent website, onemillionmoms.com. It appears Fox thinks a suave, wine-drinking child who hits on older women is a good idea for a TV show. Apparently, setting a bad example for children and committing the sin of a lifetime are also on Fox’s to-do list. This show should be pulled immediately as it will encourage children to become clever, flirty, disrespectful winos and will incite rebellion among the youth. However, One Million Momma’s Boys feels this show should be a secondary priority compared to another controversial program. Right now, our primary target in television censorship should be “Zoboomafoo,” a show on PBS in which a talking lemur teaches kids about animals. Now, obviously, adults know lemurs can’t talk, but do 5-year-olds? Probably not. This show is giving kids an unrealistic view of the world. Do you want your kids trying to talk to the family dog or chasing down a duck in hopes of a conversation? Not unless you want them to be the next Eliza Thornberry who, mind you, was a nerd and social outcast in her own Nickelodeon family. Help take action against this treacherous show by putting on your complainer pants and writing a letter to PBS voicing your disapproval.Our last order of business today concerns something extremely vile and distasteful, though many people may not be aware of it. The letter “p” — or as I like to call it, the letter of the devil — is very offensive and controversial in appearance. At One Million Momma’s Boys, we understand the importance of any letter in the alphabet, as there are only 26 of them, but we feel the letter “p” is so wicked that it should either be stricken from the alphabet or replaced with a less provocative-looking letter. We have come up with several alternatives including a clover, an elephant tusk, an upsidedown treble clef, and a sort of squiggly, blob-like shape. We are confident these designs will prove to be less offensive than the letter “p” and will therefore make the world a better and safer place.— aleblakl@imail.iu.edu
(10/11/11 10:30pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Given the many different cultures and ethnicities of the United States, an assorted collection of languages is unavoidable. The U.S. is home to more than 300 distinct languages, yet we live in one of the few countries that does not have an official language. Supporters of the “Official English” movement believe America should declare English its official language, which would essentially force non-English-speaking immigrants into a sink-or-swim situation. Others say immigrants should have the right to language assistance until they can learn English.This is an issue many Americans are passionate about. Rather than debate which language policy is best, I’d like to address a more pressing concern: people who don’t speak any language at all.And no, I’m not talking about people who speak French, Spanish, German, Chinese or even Elvish. I’m talking about “mumblers.” We all run into these people every once in a while. I was walking down Third Street the other day when I passed two people who seemed to be in the middle of a dispute. I can’t be sure, though, since all I could make out from the conversation was a series of muddled grunts and snorts. It sounded just like any other argument, except it was composed entirely of gibberish. It was as if someone poured all 26 letters from A to Z into a blender and mixed them together into some sort of alphabet purée. These people made Mike Tyson sound like Shakespeare.This kind of linguistic failure goes way beyond any communication barrier due to a foreign language or accent. I have a professor with a moderate British accent, but it doesn’t take long before my ears adapt to his voice, and I can understand him just fine. When people are speaking a foreign language around me, I may not be able to understand what they’re saying, but at least their words can be translated into a language I can understand.The tendency to mumble could progress into full-blown nonsense if not controlled. As a part-time mumbler myself, I realize the danger I put myself in if I never focus on speaking clearly.I guess babbling is only cute when babies do it. Actually, it’s not even that cute coming from babies; they drool all over themselves and stuff. Luckily, most people grow out of this phase, but those who don’t will never be taken seriously. If nobody can understand you, they won’t take the time to figure out what you’re trying to say. Record yourself during a conversation, and when you listen to it later, see if you can make out what you’re saying. If you sound like Chewbacca trying to yodel, you should probably slow down a little and take the time to enunciate your words. If parrots can do it, so can you.— aleblakl@indiana.edu
(09/26/11 9:05pm)
____simple_html_dom__voku__html_wrapper____>Focus, focus, good, keep going, you’re almost there, and you made it! Congratulations! You just read more than ten words in a row without your attention span short-circuiting. Looks like you’re one of the lucky few who didn’t have your ability to concentrate obliterated by cartoons when you were a kid. It’s hard to believe any of us made it, what with harmful “fast-paced” TV shows like “SpongeBob SquarePants,” which was recently found to impair the thinking skills of young children in a new study released by researchers from the University of Virginia in Charlottesville last week.In the study, 60 4-year-olds were assigned to watch a nine minute segment of either “SpongeBob” or “Caillou,” an “educational” children’s program that airs on PBS. Researchers found only 15 percent of the children who watched “SpongeBob” passed a mental function test administered immediately after the viewing, compared with a 35 percent pass rate for the children who watched “Caillou.”What a relief. With the problem pinpointed, we should finally be able to move forward and get these rug rats back on track. I mean have you ever been around a 4-year-old? They’re downright hopeless. You’d be hard pressed to get them to sit still long enough to take a picture, let alone teach them something useful like arithmetic. Ever tried to carry on a conversation with one? Don’t bother. I’ll never forget the look on my little cousin’s face after trying to explain to him the difference between yams and sweet potatoes. He just gave me one of those blank stares, drooling out the corner of his mouth. His mental capacity had been all but destroyed thanks to those “fast-paced” cartoons.To be perfectly honest, my childhood wouldn’t have been the same without TV shows like “SpongeBob.” Where else would I have learned the meaning of F.U.N. or how to avoid a sea bear attack? What other program would have taught me what P.O.O.P. stands for, or that it’s illegal to lick doorknobs on other planets? I’ll never forget when the best time to wear a striped sweater is (all the time). I probably watched hours and hours of cartoons as a kid, and despite all that time spent in front of the tube, I turned out fine. Right, Mom?I really don’t think there can be any serious harm in watching a cartoon, no matter how “fast-paced” the tempo. It seems like there’s always some ground breaking study accusing something new of corrupting the youth, whether it’s rap music or violent video games or Ronald McDonald. Maybe we should just relax a little bit. Is anyone surprised that 4-year-olds have short attention spans? I could have told you little kids are easily distracted way before some researchers decided to spend their time proving it.— aleblakl@indiana.edu