No beard? No problem

Looks like it’s that very special time of the year again, the time when all the post-pubescent people of the land stow away their razors and prepare for a full month of uninterrupted hair growth.

Ladies, let your legs grow prickly like the great Saguaro cacti of the Sonoran Desert. Guys, allow your faces to bloom into lush whiskery gardens. And may everyone’s unibrows flourish freely, for it is No Shave November.

Of course, there are some of us who are lacking in the ability to effectively grow body hair. It’s a difficult state to endure, not being able to develop a full beard, having to get by with the few scraggly patches we’ve been given.

Likewise, the women who are unable to produce a sufficient amount of armpit or leg hair will have nothing to shave this year. It seems so unfair that such misfortune should prevent one from participating in No Shave November. In order to combat this injustice, I have come up with a few alternatives to No Shave November that will allow everyone to take part in the fun of not doing something.

No Shower November: Back in America’s colonial days, self-hygiene for many people essentially consisted of dabbing a wet sponge on the face and hands. There were no showers, no loofas, no Garnier Fructis hair conditioner. It seems these people lived life to the smelliest, and if they did it, why can’t we?

Not showering in November would save thousands of gallons of water, not to mention tons of time. But don’t think not showering means you have to smell bad. All it will take is copious amounts of deodorant, cologne and perfume to mask the stench. Remember, it’s for a good cause.

No Thanks November: This one might seem to contradict the general feeling of November, as Thanksgiving is the biggest holiday of the month, but I think No Thanks November could take off.

Basically, you just don’t say thank you to anyone. This seems kind of rude because it is kind of rude. If someone holds the door open for you, just walk right on by. You can smile and nod, but just don’t thank them.

When Thanksgiving rolls around, you might feel obligated to be thankful for your family members. This is fine, but make sure not to verbalize those feelings. They’ll understand it’s for a good cause.

No Change Underwear November: Due to the fact I can’t really grow a beard to not shave, this is most likely the event I’ll be partaking in. This is the least noticeable option, so it will take a good amount of self-discipline to go through the whole month without changing your underwear. The rules are simple: don’t change your undies.

Now, if you want to take a liberal interpretation of this rule, you might be able to get by with washing your skivvies as long as you don’t put on a new pair, but purists will say it’s necessary to leave the same pair on all month long.

This idea seems gross at first, and later on, it will still seem gross. Just remember, it’s for a good cause.

­— aleblakl@indiana.edu