One Million Momma’s Boys

Hello, all, and welcome to the first official meeting of One Million Momma’s Boys, where fighting obscenity is our number one priority.

I would like to begin today by commending our parent organization One Million Moms — an online organization unifying mothers everywhere to fight for children — on its recent persistence in harassing Ben & Jerry’s.

The ice cream company recently released a new flavor called “Schweddy Balls,” created in honor of a certain 1998 Saturday Night Live skit portraying Alec Baldwin as a man named Pete Schweddy.

We agree with One Million Moms that this flavor is extremely inappropriate foar children and offensive to men who have overactive sweat glands near their genitals. However, while we always support our parent organization in its censorship efforts, we feel they have missed the bigger issue.

Ice cream is a dangerous substance that can cause brain freezes and gets sticky when it melts, which is annoying. Furthermore, chocolate ice cream looks like feces, which is not a suitable food for children. Therefore, One Million Momma’s Boys will maintain a firm anti-ice cream stance. We will not protest any one flavor but all ice cream.

If you are against children eating feces, please help our cause and send an email to Ben & Jerry’s telling them to grow up.

Next issue: For those of you who have not checked our website lately, you might not know of the atrocity Fox network is about to commit by creating an animated show called “Allen Gregory,” which airs Oct. 30.

In this show, a 7-year-old boy is portrayed as being “intelligent, sophisticated, worldly, artistic and romantic,” according to our parent website, onemillionmoms.com.
It appears Fox thinks a suave, wine-drinking child who hits on older women is a good idea for a TV show.

Apparently, setting a bad example for children and committing the sin of a lifetime are also on Fox’s to-do list. This show should be pulled immediately as it will encourage children to become clever, flirty, disrespectful winos and will incite rebellion among the youth.

However, One Million Momma’s Boys feels this show should be a secondary priority compared to another controversial program. Right now, our primary target in television censorship should be “Zoboomafoo,” a show on PBS in which a talking lemur teaches kids about animals.

Now, obviously, adults know lemurs can’t talk, but do 5-year-olds? Probably not.
This show is giving kids an unrealistic view of the world. Do you want your kids trying to talk to the family dog or chasing down a duck in hopes of a conversation? Not unless you want them to be the next Eliza Thornberry who, mind you, was a nerd and social outcast in her own Nickelodeon family.

Help take action against this treacherous show by putting on your complainer pants and writing a letter to PBS voicing your disapproval.

Our last order of business today concerns something extremely vile and distasteful, though many people may not be aware of it. The letter “p” — or as I like to call it, the letter of the devil — is very offensive and controversial in appearance.

At One Million Momma’s Boys, we understand the importance of any letter in the alphabet, as there are only 26 of them, but we feel the letter “p” is so wicked that it should either be stricken from the alphabet or replaced with a less provocative-looking letter.

We have come up with several alternatives including a clover, an elephant tusk, an upsidedown treble clef, and a sort of squiggly, blob-like shape. We are confident these designs will prove to be less offensive than the letter “p” and will therefore make the world a better and safer place.

— aleblakl@imail.iu.edu