Exact Change Guy

Exact Change Guy is aware of the slight roll of the eyes that occurs every time someone notices him sifting through the change in his pocket in hopes of finding the precise total of whatever he’s buying.

Yes, he perceives this snobbery, and while he mostly succeeds at shrugging off the judgments of the ignorant, it does begin to grate on Exact Change Guy over time.

It bothers him sometimes. Sometimes it more than bothers him. But it does not sway him because what drives Exact Change Guy is true reasoning, and true reasoning can never be defeated.

Exact Change Guy, above all, strives to be efficient. He understands change, like bacteria, reproduces through binary fission and can accumulate very quickly, especially in dark, fecund places, such as the pocket of a human’s jeans.

The more it grows, the faster it grows. He who does not monitor his change build-up soon finds himself overwhelmed.

So, to combat this effect, Exact Change Guy takes advantage of his opportunities to reduce the amount of change in his possession.

He understands the sacrifice of taking a few, brief moments to find the exact amount of change to pay with is more than worth the pain of contributing to an increasing pool of change.

For he who chooses to just round up and pay for that $2.17 cinnamon bagel with $3 is adding 83 cents to his coin cache, a number which will continue to expand over time.

Piggy banks are useless, as they only provide a larger pocket for change to accrue in. Eventually, the piggy bank is forgotten, and soon the kitchen counter and the dresser top become the prime dispatch centers for change.

Without a proper dim environment to flourish in, the abandoned change slowly dies and fades away from this world, rematerializing in the Realm of Easy-To-Lose Stuff, along with socks and pencils.

At this stage, the change is lost. Sure, it may be only 83 cents this time, but in the course of a month it could be a few dollars.

Then, several dollars. The process of losing money through change accumulation is endless.

On the other hand, Exact Change Guy, when buying his bagel, will stand there for a couple of seconds looking for that 17 cents he knows he has somewhere.

This will come to the displeasure of the person waiting behind him in line or the annoyance of his girlfriend or the frustration of the cashier, but it does not matter because, Exact Change Guy is saving himself tons of money in the grand scheme of things.

What is the exact price of Exact Change Guy’s commitment to finding exact change when he pays for stuff? Appearing eccentric? Becoming a social outcast?

Well, Exact Change Guy can tell you the exact price because he is Exact Change Guy, and he will gladly pay that price.

­— aleblakl@indiana.edu