SpongeBrain SquarePants?

Focus, focus, good, keep going, you’re almost there, and you made it! Congratulations!

You just read more than ten words in a row without your attention span short-circuiting.

Looks like you’re one of the lucky few who didn’t have your ability to concentrate obliterated by cartoons when you were a kid.

It’s hard to believe any of us made it, what with harmful “fast-paced” TV shows like “SpongeBob SquarePants,” which was recently found to impair the thinking skills of young children in a new study released by researchers from the University of Virginia in Charlottesville last week.

In the study, 60 4-year-olds were assigned to watch a nine minute segment of either “SpongeBob” or “Caillou,” an “educational” children’s program that airs on PBS.

Researchers found only 15 percent of the children who watched “SpongeBob” passed a mental function test administered immediately after the viewing, compared with a 35 percent pass rate for the children who watched “Caillou.”

What a relief. With the problem pinpointed, we should finally be able to move forward and get these rug rats back on track. I mean have you ever been around a
4-year-old? They’re downright hopeless.

You’d be hard pressed to get them to sit still long enough to take a picture, let alone teach them something useful like arithmetic.

Ever tried to carry on a conversation with one? Don’t bother. I’ll never forget the look on my little cousin’s face after trying to explain to him the difference between yams and sweet potatoes.

He just gave me one of those blank stares, drooling out the
corner of his mouth. His mental capacity had been all but destroyed thanks to those “fast-paced” cartoons.

To be perfectly honest, my childhood wouldn’t have been the same without TV shows like “SpongeBob.” Where else would I have learned the meaning of F.U.N. or how to avoid a sea bear attack?

What other program would have taught me what P.O.O.P. stands for, or that it’s illegal to lick doorknobs on other planets?

I’ll never forget when the best time to wear a striped sweater is (all the time).

I probably watched hours and hours of cartoons as a kid, and despite all that time spent in front of the tube, I turned out fine.

Right, Mom?

I really don’t think there can be any serious harm in watching a cartoon, no matter how “fast-paced” the tempo.

It seems like there’s always some ground breaking study accusing something new of corrupting the youth, whether it’s rap music or violent video games or Ronald McDonald.

Maybe we should just relax a little bit.

Is anyone surprised that 4-year-olds have short attention spans?

I could have told you little kids are easily distracted way before some researchers decided to spend their time proving it.

­— aleblakl@indiana.edu