Zombiepocalypse

I’m not going to say it.

I’m not even going to think it.

No. Please no. Oh my god, I can’t keep it in any longer! The zombie apocalypse is here and we’re all doomed!

It’s been nice getting to know you all. Well, except for you, George. Thanks for nothing, George.

When the first report came out this weekend of a naked man reportedly “growling like an animal” while eating the face of a homeless man along a Miami highway, I was a little disturbed (OK, a lot disturbed), but not yet anywhere near panic mode.

But then another incident of cannibalism surfaced: a case in Maryland in which a man admitted to murdering then eating his victim’s heart and parts of his brain.

Alright, after that last sentence I’m honestly regretting even starting this column. But the show must go on. And I must fill space on this page.

In the first case, “bath salts,” which some are calling “the new LSD,” are suspected to be the driving force behind this awful crime, but does that mean we can necessarily rule out an incurable, highly contagious, mind-controlling virus that engenders a craving for human flesh?

I mean, well, I don’t know.

Just don’t come crying to me when zombies attack your town and you find yourself with Tom Waits, up shit creek and without shotgun ammo.

I’ve seen enough “Walking Dead” to know that ammunition is the most valuable resource in the event of a zombiepocalypse, and I’m not about to shell out any of my supply to a guy who doesn’t prepare himself.

So, here’s how you need to prepare:

Make sure you have enough food and water to last through long sieges.You might not always be able to get out of your shelter to search for the essentials.

Buy a shotgun or crossbow and lots of ammunition. If you need to use your weapon, remember that zombies must be shot in the head.

Don’t get your girlfriend pregnant. This will be a huge issue if you need to escape a hoard of ensuing zombies.

Always try to add members to your group if you can, but be wary. While a larger group will provide more protection, keep in mind that not everyone will retain their morals after an apocalypse.

Good luck to all of you. Except for you, George.

­— aleblakl@indiana.edu