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(07/28/05 3:34am)
It's not often one is deeply disturbed by a public editor column. But leave it to The New York Times to do the extraordinary.\nFor those of you who aren't print junkies, newspapers use public editor columns to explain their inner workings -- how stories are chosen, how they do research, who is responsible for what, etc. Often, this is done to counter accusations of bias. On other occasions, to encourage readers to trust, even sympathize with journalists. Most significantly, it's used as a mea culpa -- to expose mistakes and abuses at the paper, and try to restore reader confidence afterward. The IDS has employed a public editor in the past -- just not at the moment, since it's summer and we're down to a skeleton crew.\nThis third, mea culpa, reason drove The New York Times' July 17 public editor column. The controversy began when, after printing an editorial by Capt. Philip Carter, The Times ran the following July 6 correction:\n"The Op-Ed page in some copies yesterday carried an incorrect version of an article about military recruitment. The writer, an Army reserve officer, did not say, 'Imagine my surprise the other day when I received orders to report to Fort Campbell, Ky., next Sunday,' nor did he characterize his recent call-up to active duty as the precursor to a 'surprise tour of Iraq.' That language was added by an editor and was to have been removed before the article was published. Because of a production error, it was not. The Times regrets the error."\nThe paper was quickly confronted with e-mails accusing it of altering Capt. Carter's editorial so as to change its intent: from suggesting that President Bush publicly address military recruitment, to a slam on the Bush administration. \nThus, the July 17 public editor column explained that it was all a mistake. After hearing that Capt. Carter was returning to active duty, a Times editor inserted the quotes above and asked the Captain for his approval. The Captain refused (twice!), saying they were inaccurate and contrary to his intentions. The editor relented and was to use the original column -- but the changed version was accidentally published instead.\nLeaving aside whether this was actually an accident or not, the public editor has inadvertently revealed a striking level of bias and arrogance at The Times. \nSure, the IDS makes mistakes on occasion. It's a student newspaper, after all -- even if one of the very best in the country. And my writing has occasionally fallen victim to typos and copy errors. Yet, in over 50 columns, I have never, ever had an editor pressure me to change my underlying message. To clarify things, sure -- but never to inject ideas that weren't there. What's worse, The Times doesn't even understand that this was wrong -- the apology was for inadvertently "putting words in a writer's mouth," not for pushing the writer to follow the paper's political line. \nA June 26 Pew Research Center survey reported that 60 percent of Americans see the press as politically biased, with 72% seeing it as favoring one side over another. Given the example provided by The Times, it's a wonder these numbers are so low.
(07/18/05 3:30am)
With the next crop of undergrads wandering campus, this seems like the time to get something off my chest:\nGuys, all the contrived nostalgia -- it's creeping me out.\nSee, the vast herds of pre-frosh foreshadow the coming year in campus fashion. Granted, they'll change as they adapt to college life -- but they bring in new trends. And one thing I've noticed is a proliferation of classic band T-shirts: The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, AC/DC, etc. At first this was heartening. I'm happy to see that great bands are not forgotten, and I get a little thrill when music I like suddenly becomes trendy. But I've started seeing the same shirts for the same bands, all carefully aged -- often with the anachronism of commemorating a tour that ended 20 years before the wearer was born, as if he (or, less likely, she) just arrived in the present aboard a magic 1977 Trans-Am.\nThis obsession with nostalgia is hardly confined to our new recruits. TV Land and VH1 are dedicated to it. Hollywood seems committed to remaking every film or program that aired between 1955 and 1985 -- how else to explain "The Honeymooners," "Bewitched" or "Dukes of Hazzard"? In music, "New Wave" is back, much of hip-hop keeps retracing the same ground as Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg circa 1992, and pop, sadly, never ever changes.\nI'm not saying we should avoid nostalgia altogether. We can't escape the past, nor should we. But the new-to-old ratio has become skewed. Pop culture always has influences -- but the distance traveled beyond those influences seems to be shrinking.\nI think it started in the mid-90s. Our baby-boomer parents had been reminiscing since the mid-80s, when movies like "The Big Chill" started them pining for the "good-old" hippie days and feeling guilty for living in suburban townhouses rather than communal wigwams. However, sometime around grunge's decline, this hunger for the Woodstock-era mutated -- virus-like -- and leapt from the boomers to their kids. Suddenly, innocent teenagers like yours truly found ourselves surrounded by bell-bottoms and lobotomized "Brady Bunch" fans. And the plague has only gotten worse -- progressing from decade to decade, resurrecting their worst, most irritating aspects as "camp."\nI'm not sure what's causing this. Some might say it's longing for simpler, less scary times -- but all these decades being celebrated, 50s to present, had pretty scary aspects. Perhaps technology has made it much easier to relive the past: by transferring old recordings to cheap and durable digital media, by assisting communication between fans, by facilitating the buying and selling of childhood knick-knacks. I don't know. \nAll I can do is beg you to please, please try something new -- something that didn't appear on the sides of your parents' lunchboxes. When the producers of "I Love the 70s," " ... 80s" and " ... 90s" get to " ... the 00s" -- will the show be nothing more than clips from the previous series?
(07/11/05 12:56am)
On July 2, London played host to a free concert, attended by over 200,000 people and watched by an estimated 9.6 million British television viewers (BBC, July 3, 4), with the express goal of pressuring the leaders of the world's seven wealthiest countries (and Russia) to do more to help poor and starving strangers living on a distant continent. Five days later, this same city came under attack by minions of al-Qaida, who killed over 50 innocent civilians just for commuting to work.\nI want you to remember this.\nI want you to remember this for the next time that Time or another news magazine runs a large feature story on how one of the Guantanamo Bay inmates was "tortured" by having a cold cell, or listening to Christina Aguilera, or being in the presence of a woman. \nI want you to remember this for the next time someone says we should cut and run from Iraq. The Iraqi people -- not just the 60+ percent who voted in favor of democracy, but even, increasingly, the local Baathist insurgents (New York Times, June 21) -- are battling the London bombers' comrades in their backyards.\nI want you to remember this for the next time Michael Moore, MoveOn.org or some other leftist activists try to tell you that our enemy is akin to the Minutemen of the American Revolution, or that we should show "restraint" in fighting back.\nI want you to remember this for the next time a couple of American soldiers do something stupid, like abuse detainees at Abu Ghraib, and are quickly exposed, tried and condemned to prison terms -- while the enemy cheers on operatives who behead reporters, use the mentally-handicapped as suicide bombers or beat people for listening to music.\nI want you to remember this for the next time you hear one of Noam Chomsky or Gore Vidal's acolytes comment that we in America are an evil "empire" for endorsing free markets, promoting trade or supporting democratization -- while our adversaries, whether terrorist groups like al-Qaida or mass-murderers like Serbia's Slobodan Milosevic, are merely expressing their people's will.\nI want you to remember this for the next time politicians from the Democratic Party comment that money spent to rebuild roads in Iraq should be used on roads in America; or call our allies in Britain, Australia or around the world "the coalition of the bribed and coerced"; or grouse about how President Bush won't stop mentioning Sept. 11; or otherwise offer cheap political zingers instead of conviction or strategy.\nI want you to remember this for when our fair-weather allies in Spain, France or Germany talk about \nappeasement.\nI want you to remember this for the next time it happens to innocent people in Israel, Russia, India, the United States or another country -- and someone tells you "they deserved it" because of their government's policies.\nI want you to remember this -- because we can't afford to forget.
(06/27/05 6:46pm)
Starting Saturday, a series of concerts will be launched around the world to convince the leaders of the seven leading industrialized democracies and Russia (the "G8") that we, their citizens, want them to do more to help Africa's population escape the grip of poverty and disease. Dubbed "Live 8," this international effort has been scheduled to both commemorate the original Live Aid concert 20 years ago and to deliver its message before the G8 leaders sit down for their July 6 summit. \nGiven that Live 8's chief organizers -- the Boomtown Rats' Bob Geldof, U2's Bono and director Richard Curtis -- are two Irishmen and a Brit, I doubt they intended to plunk this event down in the middle of the Fourth of July weekend. And yet, I can think of no better timing. This is an opportunity to celebrate the birth of modern democracy -- through employing the rights won by our founding fathers as a means to change things for the better. And it's an opportunity to celebrate our nation's birth by reinforcing its core ideals.\nNow, for any readers who tilt leftward politically, I really shouldn't have to sell you on this. Live 8 seeks to fight poverty and AIDS, further inter-cultural understanding and perhaps even improve America's image among our critics -- if you aren't behind this already, it's time to hang up your tie-dye.\nAnd I shouldn't need to win over you readers of a religious persuasion, either. You know it's not enough in this life to be just an individual -- that we are part of something greater than ourselves. We have a duty to make humanity's business our business -- and Live 8 is a chance to help your neighbor, writ large.\nBut to others who, like myself, don't really fall into either category, we also have reason to participate. And herein lies the timeliness of Live 8's occurring near the Fourth:\nToday we find ourselves, once again, in the struggle to defend liberty. This struggle runs through all of American history -- whether in our revolt against aristocratic rule, our battles against slavery and inequality or in our defiance against the 20th century's fascist and communist tyrannies. Now in the 21st, we are combating the latest totalitarian ideology to come down the pike, Islamic militancy, by promoting democracy and democratic ideals. Simply put, being synonymous with the spread of human freedom, America will always tangle with any group that seeks to terrorize and oppress. Through supporting Live 8's efforts, we can get the government to foster democracy in a region of the world that sorely lacks it -- before the next menace rears its ugly head.\nWant to participate? Watch the Live 8 programming that will be broadcast on America Online, MTV, VH1, CMT, HBO and (possibly) ABC starting Saturday at 11 a.m. Sign the petition at www.aol.com, www.live8live.com, www.one.org or www.data.org. Ask others to do the same. Doing good should always be so easy.
(06/20/05 12:51am)
I'm about to say something shocking. Ready? OK, here goes:\nThe French are all right.\nNo -- really! \nI bring this up because Reuters reported Friday that polls show American-French relations to be at their lowest ebb in 17 years. According to a survey of 1,000 respondents in each country, only 31 percent of the French said they felt any sympathy for Americans, while only 35 percent of Americans claimed to like the French. Regarding French sympathy toward Americans, this was an eight-point drop since 2002, while American affection for the French saw a whopping 15-point drop (Reuters, June 17). I'd write "sacre bleu!" if it weren't such an awful cliché. \nOh wait, just did. Sorry.\nNow, there are people on this campus far more qualified than myself to tell you about the wonders of French society. We have whole departments dedicated to such things. Still, I believe it's critical that I speak up because I'm -- well -- critical of said wonders. \nFor example, I think France's cradle-to-grave welfare state is an unmitigated disaster hurting the country's economy while threatening its democracy. Much of France's political elite, in corruption and arrogance, is like a nightmare following an Oliver Stone movie marathon. French President Jacques Chirac seems the living answer to an alternative-history question: What if LBJ or Nixon never left office? And the French government's position on Iraq was dead wrong -- influenced by dangerously myopic views regarding international politics (that dictators can be appeased without threat of force, that anti-Americanism would enhance France's influence) combined with the Saddam regime's possible bribery of officials such as former Interior Minister Charles Pasqua (Washington Post, May 12). In short, when I suggest the French are all right, it's not out of political sympathies. Although I concede that they have better bread and cheese.\nNevertheless, the French are getting an undeserved bad rap in this country -- and not merely from the right. We still sneer at them for surrendering to the Germans 65 years ago (!) -- unlike the Germans and Japanese, who we, you know, fought. \nHowever, here's the real kicker: I know it's anecdotal, but the fact is that the times I've been in la Republique, people have been, honest-to-God, nice to me. And I had a good time. And no one spit in my coffee (as far as I know). And I've talked to other Americans who were very surprised to have the same experience. \nI suspect the problem is that modern technology has improved communication greatly, but not enough to promote understanding. Snippy op-eds or interviews travel across the Atlantic with great speed but no context. The language barrier stands in the way. Result: translation serves as a filter -- one exploited for political gain by weasely opportunists like Chirac or Congressman Walter "freedom fries" Jones (BBC.com, June 13). Scapegoating is a very old trick.\nSo take the first step -- have some French wine tonight. You can say it's for the sake of diplomatic goodwill.
(06/14/05 1:40am)
Last week, Philadelphia public school officials announced that all district students will be required to take a course in African and African-American history. And, incredible as this might seem, the decision is generating a bit of controversy. \nCritics argue that the requirement is insensitive to other racial and ethnic groups (the district is two-thirds black) while supporters assert that it is needed to correct a long-standing gap in the history curriculum (CNN.com, June 9). \nI suspect the level of sensitivity will depend on the course's execution. I can see some teachers taking the opportunity to promote greater cultural understanding and discussion, while others use it as an excuse to treat some poor white 15-year-old like he's accountable for the evils of 17th century Dutch slave traders.\nBut a better question is: If the practice of requiring courses on racial or ethnic history spreads beyond Philly, what will it mean for the country as a whole? Aye, there's the rub.\nIt could be beneficial. This may sound like a university administration-esque cliché, but the fact is that multiculturalism is one of America's greatest strengths. We have become adept at reconciling our individual, ancestral heritage to our sense of common national identity. Europeans may make fun of us for being hyphenated citizens -- "You cannot be Italian-American," the lecture goes, "You are either Italian or American, not both!" \nBut just ask a German of Turkish ancestry, a French-person of North African ancestry, or a Briton of Pakistani ancestry whether they are treated like full German, French or British citizens. Handled correctly, learning about the diverse traditions of one's fellow citizens could both broaden students' horizons and reinforce their larger sense of community.\nThe problem is: will the teaching of racial and ethnic histories be done correctly? Seeing how well the American public education system handles other subjects, I'm not brimming with confidence. We are all familiar with the annual studies ranking American students somewhere between Togo and Tuvalu in math and science scores, but what about history? Allow me to employ an unscientific, but illustrative example.\nThe Discovery Channel has begun a four-part series, "Greatest American," in which a pool of nominees will be whittled down week by week until the greatest figure in American history is determined. The top 100 Americans, selected by voters on AOL, include such revered figures as Barbara and Laura Bush, Hilary Clinton, Tom Cruise, Ellen DeGeneres, John Edwards, Mel Gibson, Billy Graham, Michael Jackson, Jackie Kennedy Onasis, Rush Limbaugh, Madonna, Dr. Phil, Michael Moore, Barack Obama, Martha Stewart, and Oprah Winfrey. Not included? John Adams, Frank Capra, John Ford, Ulysses S. Grant, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Ernest Hemingway, Jimi Hendrix, Jack Kerouac, James Madison, Edgar Allen Poe, Andy Warhol and Frank Lloyd Wright, among others. In short, the selection of nominees is so profoundly stupid that even the show's host, Matt Lauer, could not avoid mocking it on Thursday's Daily Show.\nSigh. \nLet the ethnic conflict commence.
(06/06/05 12:31am)
Greetings ladies, gentlemen, asexual lifeforms and all our other readers. \nIn the wake of the second Death Star's destruction, and what appears to be the impending victory of the Rebellion in the Galactic Civil War, we must look ahead to the conflict's aftermath. One key issue is the handling of war crimes. Thus, for today's column, I interviewed Hyperbo Bloviate, executive director of Amnesty Intergalactic, an organization dedicated to the monitoring and protection of human -- er, sentient rights in all of charted space.\nMcFillen (Mc): Ms. Bloviate, what does Amnesty Intergalactic propose we do regarding war crimes?\nHyperbo Bloviate (HB): Well, speaking on behalf of Amnesty Intergalactic, we are calling for the prosecution of war criminals in full, public tribunals under current interstellar law. These should be conducted not merely on an ad hoc basis, but through a permanent Intergalactic Criminal Court.\nMc: Indeed, but where will the resources and authority for this ICC come from? The Rebellion is merely a loose alliance of like-minded planets. Tracking down the Empire's worst offenders will require a long-term, potentially expensive commitment.\nHB: Oh, we're not very concerned about that. The real issue is whether the Rebellion will meet trans-galactic standards of morality and decency in facing up to its own misdeeds.\nMc: Excuse me? The Rebellion? War crimes?\nHB: Yes, in its so-called "crusade" to restore "liberty" to the universe and defeat the "dark side," the Rebellion has acted with impunity. The Mon Calamari and Wookiees and their coalition partners have a lot to answer for.\nMc: But, but -- the Empire blew up Alderaan! And slaughtered innocent people! And employed torture droids! And sought to impose autocratic rule!\nHB: Yes, but look at the litany of offenses committed by the Rebellion! In the "Battle of Endor," they undertook combat operations on a forest moon -- a wildlife sanctuary! There the Rebels endangered local species by firing off blasters, littering, flying speeder bikes at well over the regulation speed limit, burying used toilet paper -- the list goes on.\nMc: But that's where the Death Star's shield generator was!\nHB: Or look at what they did on Tatooine! A class-action lawsuit has been filed by the families of Marion Alfonse "Jabba" the Hutt and 150 non-combatants -- all killed when the Rebellion illegally destroyed Jabba's sail barge, the "S.S. Sandy Dreamer."\nMc: But Jabba was a gangster -- !\nHB: Alleged, but never convicted. On Tatooine, the Rebels again demonstrated their contempt for the environment, killing a protected Rancor, then fed one Boba Fett to a Sarlacc -- a creature that takes years to digest its food. A cruel and unusual punishment if ever there was one, and without the benefit of due process! However, we at Amnesty Intergalactic are especially concerned about the treatment of Sith prisoners.\nMc: How so?\nHB: Demonstrating their contempt for the traditions and beliefs of the Sith, the Rebels have denied them access to lightsabers -- sacred items necessary for the practice of their religious beliefs.\nMc: But they're dangerous -- they murdered the Jedi!\nHB: The same Jedi implicated in the massacre of a tribe of Tusken Raiders?\nMc: What? You mean Sand People?\nHB: Ahem -- Tusken Raiders is the preferred term.\nMc: That was Anakin Skywalker -- you can't condemn the entire Jedi Order for the actions of a single bad apple!\nHB: Well, that's for the courts to decide, isn't it?\nMc: This is absurd.\nHB: What's absurd is an army of self-righteous hypocrites who believe themselves to be above our -- I mean, the galaxy's standards. The Rebels should know better. It's not like they're savages or Americans or anything.
(05/23/05 6:58pm)
It's not often that the Federal Aviation Administration and myself see eye to eye. But while the FAA's name is one of many cursed whenever I have to fly across the Atlantic, we have finally found agreement on something. Last Thursday, Reuters reported that the FAA is seeking to amend its regulations in order to enforce a ban on the installation of "obtrusive" advertising in the earth's orbit. The article quoted FAA regulators as saying that such changes were necessary because "large advertisements could destroy the darkness of the night sky," (CNN.com, May 20).\nWhat's that you say? Poppycock? A bureaucratic fantasy? Merely an attempt by small-time FAA functionaries to capture authority over something from a sci-fi novel? \nPerhaps. After all, it's in the nature of bureaucracies to try to extend their reach -- even if it takes them in absurd directions. \nBut then, after reading this story, I observed something that changed my mind. \nLater that day, on an errand to Best Buy, I noticed that the store had installed a phone next to the checkout line for making free, local calls. In today's post-cellular age, public phones are about as atavistic as rumble seats, but this particular one was truly a phone of the future: it had a television screen running advertisements. And to think that the ancients once placed such phones in enclosed booths or quiet alcoves so as to provide privacy for one's conversation. How far we've come.\nAnd this made me think of another occasion, when some friends and I visited Buffalo Wild Wings to fulfill our minimum daily requirement of buffalo wings and beer. After doing my part to help prevent chickens from dominating the earth, I went to wash my hands. Little did I know that BW3's men's room was haunted. As I manipulated the soap and water, a disembodied voice cried out. It wanted me to know that the Dodge Ram has greater towing capacity than the Ford F--150. I, of course, fled in terror.\nThen, there are the things that have infested the corners of our TV screens. Apparently, if networks don't secure them properly, commercials escape their appointed breaks and run rampant during programming, scurrying across the bottom of the picture. The Turner-owned networks, such as TNT and Cartoon Network, appear to be raising free-range commercials. For example, TNT has discovered that nothing complements a film's tender dialogue like the accompaniment of a NASCAR ad's revving engines.\nConsidering all this, the FAA's policy sounds less and less like the product of a Trekkie's fever dream.\nNow, I'm not against advertising in principle -- by providing consumers with information, it makes economic transactions more efficient, increasing the benefit to society as a whole. And it pains me to be on the side of government regulation rather than a market-based solution. Indeed, in some ways the market is already striking back against the deluge of advertising. Since May 13, the Loews movie theater chain has been publishing the real start-times for their movies, along with the time for those who want to sit through 10-15 minutes of commercials (Boston Globe, May 5). And in an effort to draw listeners back to traditional radio, Clear Channel Communications has reduced the amount of ads from 11.6 minutes per hour to 7.9 minutes (Rolling Stone, May 3). \nBut what advertiser could resist the opportunity to expose billions of people to a single orbiting ad, given the chance? Do you think they would be restrained by a sense of decency? A concern for the common good?\nIf you do, there's a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you -- while you sit on the can.
(04/25/05 4:26am)
Last week, I received a letter from Milton Friedman. Not a personal letter, unfortunately -- no "Brian, How's it hanging? Best, Milty" -- just a mass mailing. Still, I was pretty jazzed. \nAnd what did Milton Friedman -- father of monetarism, founder (after Hayek) of neo-liberal economics, Nobel Prize winner, adviser to Nixon and Reagan, shaper of the economic policy that brought America out of stagflation and into the 21st century with the world's third-highest per capita income (after Luxembourg), one of the lowest unemployment levels of all industrialized countries and an inflation rate of just 1.6 percent in 2002 ("CIA World Factbook") -- what did THAT Milton Friedman want of me?\nHe wanted me to help legalize pot.\nWell, not precisely. The message asked its recipients to sign an open letter supporting a study by Boston University Professor Jeffrey Miron titled "The Budgetary Implications of Marijuana Prohibition in the United States" which, to quote, "finds that replacing marijuana prohibition with a system of taxation and regulation would save the United States $7.7 billion per year and might generate as much as $6.2 billion annually in tax revenue." The effort is being coordinated by a group called the Marijuana Policy Project, which is seeking to gather up a host of economists -- and, apparently, at least one half-whacked political scientist -- to start an "open and honest debate about this issue." Milton's its celebrity spokesperson.\nYou might be saying, "I thought he was a conservative!" But the association of Milton Friedman with marijuana legalization is nothing new -- he has supported a variety of libertarian causes. However, it does say something about the political right in terms of its perception and its future.\nMilton is not alone on the right, supporting socially liberal policies. William F. Buckley, too, has advocated marijuana legalization (National Review, June 29, 2004). Michele Zipp, Playgirl editor-in-chief, came out of the closet as a Republican in March -- and claims to have been fired for it two weeks later (Drudge Report, March 21). And Arthur Finkelstein, veteran Republican campaign adviser, married his male partner in a civil ceremony three weeks ago (New York Times, April 9). These are hardly model examples of conservative orthodoxy.\nThe Republican Party is going to have to take this into account.\nAt the moment, with the presidency and two congressional majorities, the GOP is riding high (no pun intended -- OK, a little pun), but its 2004 victories were the result of a vigorous effort at alliance-building. In the Republican Convention, moderates John McCain, Rudy Giuliani and Arnold Schwarzenegger were marshaled to deliver a very clear message: Republicans -- libertarians, moderates, conservatives, religious right -- may disagree on many things, but they must unite to support the government's campaign against terrorism and its state sponsors. \nDemocrats faced the same challenge in aligning their factions behind Kerry, and they had, perhaps, an easier message to sell ("He's not Bush"). But Kerry failed to capitalize on it and tried to pitch to both liberals and moderates simultaneously, often contradicting himself. Meanwhile Bush used the GOP's common cause successfully to ensure moderate support while offering goodies to the religious right. \nThis worked through Super Tuesday, but now that they are in power, many of the GOP's representatives seem to forget they're heading a coalition -- not a homogeneously conservative party -- and from Schiavo to censorship, they are spending moderates' goodwill faster than virtual poker chips. Someone should warn them they'll need nonconservatives again in 2006, not to mention 2008.\nBut, as for me, I have to go. \nMilton called. He needs a ride to Taco Bell.
(04/18/05 4:32am)
In the aftermath of the Terri Schiavo legal battle, a coalition of conservative political figures called the Judeo-Christian Council for Constitutional Restoration is demanding major reforms of the U.S. federal judiciary, even up to the level of the Supreme Court. These reforms include "withdrawing the courts' jurisdiction over all cases related to the acknowledgment of God or to the protection of marriage ... impeaching judges that substitute 'their own views for the original meaning of the Constitution,' or base a decision on foreign law; and ... reducing or eliminating funding for the federal courts when judges 'overstep their constitutional authority'" (Christian Science Monitor, April 13). \nFurthermore, the Judeo-Christian Council appears to have serious political muscle. According to The Washington Post (April 9), their April 7 and 8 conference on "Confronting the Judicial War on Faith," had a guest-list including "two House members; aides to two senators; representatives from the Family Research Council and Concerned Women for America; conservative activists Alan Keyes and Morton C. Blackwell; the lawyer for Terri Schiavo's parents; Alabama's 'Ten Commandments' judge Roy Moore; and (House Majority Leader Tom) DeLay, who canceled to attend the pope's funeral."\nHardly one to miss the chance to join such an august bandwagon, I thought I, myself, would take the opportunity to advance a few modest proposals for reforming the federal judiciary. Here are my recommendations:\n• Make judges accountable. Practices such as the lifetime appointment of Supreme Court justices, intended to shield them from political pressures, risk making them unresponsive to public opinion and ... well... political pressures. Term limits and direct election are possible remedies, but, really, they don't go far enough. Instead, we must closely examine how these courts are serving their country. To start, those arguing before federal courts should receive cards asking "Were you pleased with the quality of deliberation you received today?" on which they can check "very pleased," "somewhat pleased," "somewhat displeased," or "very displeased." Too many "very displeased" comments? Sounds like grounds for impeachment to me.\n• Bring the judiciary to the people. In the U.S. Federal Court System, there are only 95 district courts, 12 circuit courts of appeals, and one Supreme Court for the entire country! Clearly, this is not enough. There should be at least one federal court in every community -- maybe two or three. Heck, one on every street corner. I shouldn't have to drive halfway across town just to get a hearing.\n• How to fund the federal judiciary. Why do people like you and me have to pay for these courts out of our tax dollars? Chances are you'll never use one -- unless you want to keep appealing that citation for public intoxication and lewd conduct with a marine animal. So, why not just bill the people going before them? In fact, the government could make a bundle on the franchise rights alone. Imagine: In exchange for an initial investment, you get an official seal, federal court stationary, employee handbooks, etc. \nThe U.S. federal court system has tremendous brand value, and, obviously, we're failing to leverage it to its full potential.\n• Make the judiciary user-friendly. We've all seen courtrooms -- those long rows of wooden folding chairs, all turned toward the bench like an auditorium from hell. Try this instead: what if we put in comfy armchairs, and arrange them in small groups around coffee tables, and throw in some magazines or books or board games? Even install free Wi-Fi access? Why, that wouldn't be so bad, would it? There's too much stress in our lives already; court should be a place where you can just hang out all day and relax.\nAnd if they served iced mocha lattés? Well, that would be just brilliant.
(04/11/05 6:56am)
Somehow, I keep getting other people's e-mails. I really need to talk to University Information Technology Services about this. \nFrom: Agent Rand 238\nTo: Chairman and CEO, Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy\nSubject: Success on the Bloomington front.\nMr. Chairman, it is my pleasure to report that our latest operation has been a complete success. But, first, allow me to congratulate you on the brilliance of "Operation: Seppuku." A decade ago, who would have believed that the American left would so happily rush to undermine itself? And yet, with the right rhetorical nudge from time to time, we have moved so many self-proclaimed liberals to abandon their own long-cherished values, for what? Another chance to re-live the 70's by marching around with placards? A superficial sense of moral superiority? An opportunity to get a Democrat -- any Democrat -- into the White House, no matter what they believe in (if anything)? \nThe results have been extraordinary. Let us count off our recent successes: pushing the left to surrender the vast middle of the United States, including former strongholds in the South, by convincing it to write off this area as "Red States," "Fly-Over Country" or "Jesusland"; leading liberals into junking their support for the rural poor by encouraging them to disdain such people as "white trash" for watching NASCAR and shopping at Wal-Mart; getting the left to oppose reform of the United Nations, and thereby, actually supporting the authority of the corrupt and powerful, just by having Republicans criticize the organization; and -- the piéce de résistance -- fostering a hatred of George W. Bush SO GREAT, that liberals find themselves rooting AGAINST the successful spread of democracy and human rights, just to see him fail in something. \nWhy, in this last election, we had the left demanding fiscal responsibility! \nBefore long, Trent Lott will be heading the NAACP, and Greenpeace will draft Tom DeLay to captain Rainbow Warrior II.\nToday, I am very happy to report that we have met with no less success on the campus front. On March 29, The Washington Post reported that 72 percent of college faculty members are liberal, while only 15 percent are conservative, according to a study conducted by professors at George Mason University, Smith College and the University of Toronto. This article went on to raise questions over whether such homogeneity in political beliefs may restrict diversity of opinion, the power of intellectual debate or the freedom of expression on campus. As if on cue, and much to our delight, campus leftists set about proving that this was, in fact, the case.\nOn March 28, editor of the Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol was hit by a pie during a speech at Earlham College (New York Times, March 31). March 29, protestors attempted to shout down conservative pundit Ann Coulter at Kansas University (Lawrence Journal-World, March 30). On March 31, during a question and answer session, Pat Buchanan was doused with salad dressing at Western Michigan University (New York Times, April 2). And, in an epic and joyously pyrrhic climax, the chief proponent of the idea that the freedom of speech on campus has become so restricted as to require government regulation, David Horowitz, was first hit with a pie at Butler University (Indianapolis Star, April 6), then subject to another attempted silencing at Indiana University (Indiana Daily Student, April 8). \nThe message, indeed, was clear: If you don't hold liberal beliefs, shut up and stay away. The fact that those liberal beliefs once included freedom of speech was completely forgotten. \nMy God, the irony is delicious. What more proof could state legislators need to intervene in college curricula? At this rate, we should have the departments of creationism in place by fall 2005.
(04/05/05 4:18am)
Last week, the National Sleep Foundation released a report claiming that three-fourths of American adults suffer from sleep problems. The Associated Press quoted Richard Gelula, the foundation's CEO, as saying, "People who sleep well, in general, are happier and healthier. ... But when sleep is poor or inadequate, people feel tired or fatigued, their social and intimate relationships suffer, work productivity is negatively affected, and they make our roads more dangerous by driving while sleepy and less alert."\nNegatively affected? More dangerous?\nWhat a load of hooey! \nEveryone knows that sleep is a myth, a scam, a crock, a... a... load of hooey. Hey, what do I look like, a thesaurus?\nNo, if you waste your time with sleep, you'll miss the best stuff in life -- all of which, experts know, usually happens in the two hours before you have to get up for work.\nAs a charter member of the International Society for the Insomniacal Arts, I'd like to share with you some of the wonders you'll never experience if you give in to the temptation of your base animal instinct for unconsciousness:\n• For the gourmets out there, not sleeping provides culinary benefits unknown in the waking world. For example, when else could you get fresher mutton but in the dead of night? Racing across verdant fields under a full moon, vaulting over fences, snatching up sheep, the cool air on your naked skin -- ahh, there's no better feeling. Huh? Why naked? Uhh, scared sheep taste better.\n• If you get a regular amount of sleep, you'll miss out on the finest of hallucinations: the Sock Pixies, the Queen of Waffles, the things that live under the carpet, the boy that delivers the newspaper. Of course, you shouldn't get too carried away; there are some weirdos who think paperboys actually exist.\n• The point has been made before elsewhere, but really, the best television is on late at night. How else could you find out that an unsterilized toothbrush might kill you? Or that there are thousands of hot, young college girls out there, waiting to bare all just for you? Or that you could be making millions of dollars while only working three days a week? Believe me, until I started watching infomercials, I had no idea my life was so incomplete and unfulfilling.\n• If you don't stay up, how will you ever escape that thing in your closet? It stays up all night, drooling, just waiting to pounce as soon as you shut off the lights. But, boy, will it be surprised when you never do. In fact, if you're any sort of humanitarian, you'll protect your neighbors by staying up all night, every night, playing Metallica's "Ride the Lightning" at maximum volume. Sure, they might complain, but it's for their own good.\n• But the benefits aren't restricted to nighttime. Resisting the lure of sleep injects excitement into an otherwise mundane life. After all, what's more spontaneous than never knowing where you'll wake up? Some people blow hundreds of dollars a month in drinks just to get the same experience! Why else did they invent cruise control? And besides, do you really want to be awake for the entire time you spend at work or in class? I didn't think so. Hey, there's no spelling "weekdays" without "daze."\nYes, it's a brave new world for those of us who refuse to surrender our eight hours a day to just lying around like a log, doing nothing, taking up space. \nHey, you can even use it to get work done -- but really, where's the fun in that?
(03/28/05 4:12am)
Today, I want to bring your attention to a dire and growing problem -- a dirty secret few others have been willing to speak out about. Indeed, a viper nesting at the very heart of this nation's infotainment community.\nLast week, media attention was focused on the House Government Reform Committee's calling forth figures from Major League Baseball to testify about allegations of rampant steroid use among players. But while Congress is taking decisive, pragmatic, non-partisan action on the critical issue of drugs in sports, it has ignored a far more sinister development. \nI speak of the growing use of PEDs -- punditry enhancing drugs.\nAcross the country, from the mean streets of Cambridge, Mass., and Washington, D.C.'s Embassy Row, to the ghettos of South-Central Manhattan, kids are watching "Crossfire" and reading The New York Times Op-Ed page and dreaming about being the next Robert Novak or Paul Krugman, the next Maureen Dowd or Bill O'Reilly. Every day, they practice and struggle. Long hours are spent tightening their rhetoric, sharpening their prose, hoping for a scholarship to a university with a top-flight debating society or model U.N. club -- some place they might be spotted by recruiters from "Hannity and Colmes" or The Washington Post, given their shot at the big leagues. \nOh, how to tell these kids that all their hard work -- the fingers calloused by constant typing, the strained vocal chords might come to naught? How to tell them that they'll face competition from people who, rather than putting in the same time and effort, get their punditry from a pill or syringe?\nIt's not hard to see where the temptation to use drugs comes from. Professional punditry has become a high stakes, big-money business. The right column, the right sound-byte, can mean the difference between a multi-million dollar endorsement deal from Bic Pens or a trip back to the minors. And even when one manages to make it, there's the need to balance the fame, the fans, the life in public with the requirement to perform every single week -- daily, in some cases.\nBut the long-term consequences are devastating. One need only look at the current state of former members of East Germany's world-champion women's punditry team. From 1982 to 1988, the "Iron Columnists" took the world by storm, rolling over all competitors in their path, held up as living testaments to the superiority of socialist punditry. Today, team captain Olga Volksparteien has to live in a sound-proof environment, compelled to talk over anything she hears. First-string defensewoman Ulrike Machtwort stares endlessly at her typewriter, waiting for scandal from a government that no longer exists. Helga Wirtschaftswunder has gone from rookie sensation to permanent residence in the Thuringia Institute for the Criminally Insane after kidnapping four people, binding them to a round table and forcing them to endure 36 hours of moderated debate. And these are just the survivors.\nOther possible symptoms of PED-use include:\n• "Chihuahuaitis": the need to provide a rapid-fire counter-argument to any sudden sound.\n• "Party-line syndrome": the tendency to argue in favor of any document one is handed, regardless of political merit -- from menus to birthday cards to Democratic National Convention talking points.\n• "Alignment dysfunction": an inability to talk to others without automatically drifting toward their left or right.\n• "Tucker's disease": a preference for questionable attire such as bow- or stars-and-stripes-themed ties, flip-flops, pith helmets, kilts or monocles.\n• And shrunken testicles. Or enlarged testicles. Or testicles that swirl hypnotically, like belly-dancers.\nTogether, we have to stop this scourge. Call your senator or representative and demand they begin an investigation.\nWhat? What about me, you ask? \nI use only natural, traditional supplements. Things like caffeine, vodka and lamb's blood. \nYou know, punditry as nature intended.
(03/21/05 4:25am)
Do you like Top 40 radio? Or American Idol? Or MTV's Total Request Live?\nYou do? Good! Now bugger off back to your pod. I'm here to talk to the humans.\nFolks, rock and roll -- America's greatest contribution to humanity besides 30-minute pizza delivery and representative democracy -- is under siege. \nOf course, rock's epitaph has been written many times. In 1955, Variety magazine declared that rock "will be gone by June." But the extent of rock's crisis has grown to shocking proportions. On Mar. 8, Rolling Stone reported that rock radio's audience has decreased 20 percent during the past six years. Meanwhile, in the last six months, major stations have closed in Washington, D.C., Miami and Houston -- with NYC's K-Rock threatening to change formats in 2006. On the same day, www.CNN.com reported the birthplace of punk, New York club CBGB, might close this August over unpaid rent.\nNo, there's nothing new about rock being in trouble. However, what's different is that now, for a change, it's worth saving. And if you don't take things into your own hands, you'll never hear it to know.\nDespite being, possibly, the single most ancient being writing for this publication, I'm not given to nostalgia. Nevertheless, I do remember when MTV showed videos, when radio stations played stuff other than Usher re-mixes and when grunge threw the music industry into a period of experimentation. There were plenty of mistakes, but -- at the risk of sounding like some fossilized hippie -- rock did have meaning in one's life. \nThen, the mid-90s through early noughties arrived -- dominated by nu-metal meat-machines, crypto-Christian Pearl Jam-rip-off artists, vat-grown third-rate pop-punk Green Day clones and Kid Rock, the thing from beyond the double-wide. Formula ruled. Much of what got airplay was as enjoyable as a big swig of boiled bollocks. No wonder you kids fled to hip-hop or country like they were the only forms of music. As for those of you who fled to Britney Spears and 'NSync -- I thought I told you to go back to your pods.\nYet, while horror ruled the airwaves, something magical also happened: The Internet booted the music industry square in the huevos. Sure, file-sharing wasn't viable -- what can you do? True, musicians gotta eat, but it led to a proliferation of alternative sources of info. And just as the net began threatening the dictatorial regimes of Iran and North Korea, it began threatening the dictatorial regimes of MTV and Clear Channel. Exciting new sounds began to seep out. \nI won't try to tell you what bands or genres to listen to -- that's a job for our Weekend crew. Besides, I'm not hip. I mean, God, I write a newspaper column. \nBut, here are some tips on finding stuff to your taste:\nMusical databases: www.Allmusic.com has an extensive database of bands albums, and songs, complete with reviews, histories and links to predecessors and contemporaries. Start with a band you like, then follow the links. www.Metacritic.com aggregates musical reviews into a 0-100 rating scale -- great for sorting gassers from stinkers. \nInternet radio: www.pandia.com and and www.radio-locator.com are searchable databases of online ratio stations, but if you have iTunes, just check its "radio" folder. My favorite is www.WOXY.com out of Oxford, Ohio.\nPod-casts: Normal people -- well, non-professionals -- creating their own radio programs through downloadable mp3s. Visit www.podcast.net for options.\nThe rock is out there: Meaningful rock, rock that makes you feel cool, rock that says what you always wanted to say, rock that lets you know you're not alone on this spinning mudball. You just have to find it for yourself. And hasn't that always been the point, anyway?
(03/07/05 4:26am)
From outrage over University of Colorado professor Ward Churchill's comments about the Sept. 11 attacks, to Students for Academic Freedom's campaign for an Academic Bill of Rights, academic freedom has become a pressing issue here in the hallowed halls. To discuss this, I have invited back distinguished expert in social phenomena Dr. Nick Scratch, from the University of Malebolge, Eighth Circle Campus.\nMcFillen: Welcome back, Dr. Scratch, and congratulations on being awarded the Flylord Chair in American Studies.\nDr. Scratch: Ah, thank you. And thank you for summoning me up here, I always relish the opportunity to talk to you mortals -- ahem, your readers.\nMcF: Controversy has surrounded Churchill ever since he wrote in "'Some People Push Back': On The Justice of Roosting Chickens" that the killing of financial traders in the World Trade Center attacks was justified due to "little Eichmanns" fueling the global capitalist economy. Now, Dr. Scratch, you have been a defender of Churchill from the beginning -- if you would, please, explain your stance to the readers.\nDr. S: Happy to. It's important that we get these ideas out there for people to talk about and consider. It comes down to universities' core purpose -- what they have to give to society.\nMcF: So, you're saying that by challenging accepted ideas -- even in ways some find offensive -- academic freedom stimulates new lines of thinking? That it keeps society from becoming rigid and stagnant?\nDr. S: Eh, well, sort of.\nMcF: Oh, uh, so you mean academic freedom, by exposing abhorrent ideas to public scrutiny through the open forum of the university, allows them to be properly challenged?\nDr. S: Not really, no.\nMcF: Um, OK, what do you mean?\nDr. S: It's simple, my dear boy. The whole furor demonstrates the desire of the authorities to foist their values on a dull, sheepish public. To conceal what only a few of us know is the truth.\nMcF: I'm afraid I don't follow.\nDr. S: Look at what has been happening with the Middle East and Asian Languages and Cultures Department at Columbia University.\nMcF: Oh, you mean the student and faculty charges against the department for espousing anti-semitism and intimidating dissenters?\nDr. S: Now, what kind of characterization is that? My lad, brush the scales from your eyes -- again, you're just seeing what those in control want you to see. There's brilliant work going on in that department, but it's not getting through to most people.\nMcF: I don't understand.\nDr. S: There's a vast conspiracy afoot.\nMcF: A conspiracy?\nDr. S: Yes, to lock your tiny monkey brain into a bourgeois, culturally-biased mind-set. Look at this recent case with the judge's family members being killed.\nMcF: You mean the judge whose husband and mother were murdered by white supremacists?\nDr. S: That's what they want you to think. You know how these murder mysteries work; it's always the person you least expect. Well, or the butler ... but that's so cliché.\nMcF: Wait --\nDr. S: No, my friend -- government, religious leaders, parents, community organizations -- they want you to think if you don't like some groups, you just have to live with them. But many of us -- myself, Churchill, the gang at Columbia -- we know better.\nMcF: You don't mean --\nDr. S: I mean where will it end? Next, they'll say you can't kill someone for cutting you off in traffic, or for entering the grocery store express line with 16 items or taking the last slice of pizza. It's madness!\nMcF: But that's horrible!\nDr. S: See, that's just the old mind-set again. Besides, my dean at Malebolge U. wants to keep up the enrollment numbers.
(02/28/05 4:54am)
Welcome brothers and sisters! \nHere at the Church of the All-Seeing Column, we're not like other churches. We don't deal in forgiveness or spiritual enlightenment, divine love or community spirit. \nNo, we believe in the old ways -- the best ways: pillars of salt, eyeballs plucked out by eagles, an eternity in the Hell of Flaming Goat Intestines. The ways of divine retribution.\nAnd today, in celebration of the feast of St. Choloric, holy patron of caffeine and road rage, we're doing our part for the sake of righteous justice.\nThat's right. We're handing out curses.\nThe accused: Congress members holding junkets for lobbyists\nAccused of: Adopting an approach to fund raising so shameless, it could be eating bugs on reality TV. \nIn a reversal of tradition, rather than lobbyists taking politicians out to posh resorts, some Congress members are now inviting lobbyists out on retreats in exchange for dinero. According to The Associated Press on Wednesday, Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Oregon) "has sent invitations for a $5,000-per-ticket golf tournament ... at the Bandon Dunes Golf Course in Oregon," while Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho) "held a fund-raising 'ski-fest' (the weekend before last) at Sun Valley for $2,500 a person." And it's bipartisan, with Rep. Ben Chandler (D-Kentucky), Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-Louisiana) and the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee are organizing their own retreats.\nCurse: May your ski resorts, golf courses and whatnots be subject to infestations of squirrels -- rare Patagonian squirrels who prepare for winter by storing acorns in the rectums of Congress members.\nThe accused: Groups that give celebrities a fortune in swag, and the celebs who pursue them.\nAccused of: Conspicuous consumption decadent enough to make a hardened capitalist murmur about Marxian revolution.\nWhile free samples for the rest of us consist of hot dog slices on toothpicks, celebrities are getting iPods, jewelry, designer clothing and spa passes for, well, being celebrities. According to Reuters News Service (Feb. 18): "This year's gift bag for presenters at the music industry's Grammy Awards included certificates for laser eye surgery, health club membership and acupuncture. Screen Actors Guild Award giveaways included a trip to a Caribbean island."\nCurse: For the gifters, may the only celebrities using your swag be Kathy Griffin and Don Knotts -- a zombie, cannibal Don Knotts with a bad case of incontinence. Kathy Griffin can stay as is.\nFor the celebrities, may the swag carry a sexually transmitted disease that makes your private parts sing all the lyrics to "Hello Dolly." Not just the songs from the 1969 film -- the FULL BOOK.\nThe accused: The Ba'ath Party of Syria\nAccused of: Oppressing the people of Syria and Lebanon, training terrorist groups in Lebanon's Bekaa Valley, supporting the terrorists currently killing Iraqi civilians and U.S. troops, spelling their name with an apostrophe when it isn't a contraction.\nCurse: May you spend every night wondering who will get you first: the Americans, your own people, the Belgians -- What, didn't know about the Belgians? Well, I wouldn't bite into any strange truffles if I were you. \nAs for your terrorist allies, may their eternal reward be 72 virgins who all look like Screech from "Saved By The Bell." Screeches with beards.\nThe accused: blink-182\nAccused of: Lowering the level of pop-punk, the genre of groups like the Buzzcocks, the Descendents and Green Day, to that of boy bands and bubblegum pop; taking up the six minutes a day that MTV2 dedicates to music other than hip-hop; creating a version of punk whose primary audience is junior high cheerleaders.\nCurse: May you -- What's that? They've gone on indefinite hiatus? Well, carry on then.\nWait up there, Good Charlotte! Where do you think you're going?\nOh yes, brothers and sisters -- so much to curse and so little time.
(02/21/05 4:11am)
In Wednesday's IDS, the political parties vying in this week's IUSA election gave their positions regarding the $30 athletics fee. Some parties, citing the fact that we get nothing in return for the money except (hopefully) $2 million worth of gratitude from the athletics department, suggest T-shirts for compensation. Others, noting that the fee was imposed on IU students without sufficient consultation or due process, are pressing for more "dialogue" next time around.\nT-shirts? Dialogue? \nWith all due respect: Bugger that! We're talking about $2 million here -- possibly more in the future. If this were Vegas, thumbs would break. \nNo, the athletics department OWES us. Not "owes" us -- OWES us. And given that $30 represents 62 percent of my monthly salary (just kidding -- only 48 percent), I want something better than a T-shirt. \nBut I also want to see IU athletics continue to excel in its areas of greatness (for instance, in the rest of the world's football) and improve its areas of not-so-greatness (our country's version). \nThus, here are a few ways the athletics department could either provide services for students or raise new funds, all with little monetary expense:\nCall Rick. Too drunk to drive home? Driveway snowed in? Dog needs shampooing? Just feeling lonely and need to talk? Call Athletics Director Rick Greenspan -- any time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week -- available at a rate of 50 cents a minute. See, when your program is facing a $2 million deficit, and your annual salary is $275,000 (that is, 75 grand more than the president of the United States'), you shouldn't be above a bit of leaf-raking. But there are only so many hours in the day and so much one person can do. Therefore, how about drafting Terry Clapacs and everyone who helmed athletics as it went into the red? And what's Myles Brand's number, while we're at it?\nAthletic Escorts. Nothing sleazy or illegal, mind you -- this isn't the University of Colorado -- but wouldn't it be cool to get your $30 back by going out to dinner with an athlete of your choice? Sure, it's easy to imagine the blokes drooling over taking out a volleyball player -- but ladies, what better way to tell an ex-boyfriend "buzz off" than going clubbing with a defensive lineman? If you want to pick up members of the opposite sex, why not take along a golfer in full kit? You'll look cooler by comparison (one assumes).\nEquip Thyself. Bats, balls, helmets, padding -- in between practices and games, all this stuff just sits there. When it isn't in use, why not allow the rest of us to borrow it, perhaps at an hourly rate charged against the debt? Me, I call dibs on a field hockey stick. I want it handy at the start of next semester for when I have to buy textbooks. Wait in the queue, indeed ...\nNaming Facilities. The Denver Post reported Tuesday that Boston's FleetCenter, home to the Celtics (and supposedly the Bruins -- although everyone knows professional ice hockey's a myth, like unicorns) was offering one-day naming rights to the highest bidder. The rights for Feb. 28 were bought by news/humor Web site www.Fark.com, which was going to call it the "Fark.com Duke Sucks Center" until vetoed by the Center's owners. Thankfully for us, the athletics department is too desperate to veto. To me, this seems like an ideal way for athletics to raise funds without much effort. I can't help but think there are students and alumni willing to pony up cash to rename Assembly Hall the "Davis Sucks Center."\nWe don't have to just hold our noses and accept this fee as-is. Demand something better. \nI want my bloody hockey stick.
(02/14/05 4:55am)
Tired of stodgy, old Valentine's Day poems? To better reflect the reality of love in the 21st century, I've modernized a few classics:\n"22" by Emily Dickenson:\nI gave myself to him / And took himself for pay.\nThe solemn contract for a life / Was ratified this way.\nFor his return from work, / I was all-anticipation;\nNot knowing his assistant's skill / In oral-based dic-tation.\nToday the house is mine. / To a condo he is gone.\nNow to get that cute neighbor boy / To come and mow my lawn.\n"Life in a Love" by Robert Browning:\nEscape me? / Never -- / Beloved!\nWhile I am I, and you are you, / So long as the world contains us both,\nMe the loving and you the loth, / While the one eludes, must the other pursue.\nAnd I have the night-vision goggle ...\n"Bright Star, Would I Were Steadfast as Thou Art" by John Keats:\nBright star, would I were steadfast as thou art -- / Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night,\nAnd watching, you gripped my heart, / Like an Australian his jar of Vegemite,\nThe moving waters at their priestlike duty / Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,\nOf gazing on the snow-white booty / Of choirboy bent down to scrub the floors;\nNo -- yet still steadfast, still unchangeable, / Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,\nTo feel for ever its soft fall and swell, / Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,\nListen, listen and death itself shall hold no fear, / For I, lucky sod -- have silicone press'd to my ear.\n"Love's Philosophy" by Percy Bysshe Shelley:\nThe fountains mingle with the river / And the rivers with the ocean;\nWho knew you'd get all a-quiver / To Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion?"\nNothing in the world is single; / Okay, you've heard that line.\nBabe, it's just, you make me tingle -- / 'Cause mama, you're supa-fine.\nSee the mountains kiss high heaven, / And the waves clasp one another;\nNo-sister flower would be forgiven / If it disdain'd its brother:\nWell, not in West Virginia, anyway.\n"Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" by William Shakespeare:\nShall I compare thee to a summer's day? / Thou are more lovely and more temperate.\nRough winds do shake the darling buds of May, / And summer's lease hath all too short a date.\nSometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines, / And oft replace'd by night as dark as coal;\nAnd every fair from fair sometimes declines: / Say honey, have I always had this mole?\n"She Walks in Beauty" by Lord Byron:\n1 / She walks in beauty, like the night / Of cloudless climes and starry skies;\nGod almighty that dress is tight! / Focus, keep contact with her eyes:\nSeems by yon faint disco light / She could crack a walnut with those thighs.\n2 / Now that was impossible to guess, / She's coming towards me, 'tis no joke\nBlonde streaks in every raven tress, / Hark, methinks that she just spoke;\n'Tis a joy I cannot express / What's that darling? -- AHHH! You're a bloke!\n"Marriage Morning" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson:\nLight, so low upon earth, / You send a flash to the sun.\nHere is the golden close of love, / All my wooing is done.\nOh, the woods and the meadows, / Woods where we hid from the wet,\nStiles where we stay'd to be kind, / Meadows in which we met!\nLight, so low in the vale / You brighten as if 'twere day\nFor this is the golden morning of love, / Yet "Baa!" is all you say.\nAhh, what a romantic age we live in ...
(01/31/05 4:23am)
Every week, letters roll in for us columnists -- letters of support, letters of criticism, letters that say "I have your dog, now give me back my riding lawn mower" -- and the IDS duly reprints them for your perusal.\nBut do any letters for THIS column get reprinted? Sadly, no. \nIt's always the same reasons: "that letter didn't make any sense," or "we don't have enough space," or "we can't print letters from imaginary people."\nWell, this week, nonsensical or not, imaginary or not, my column will reply to three of these forgotten correspondents -- and thereby defend the American right to free and open dialogue with people existing only in our heads.\nLetter #1:\nDear Brian,\nI've read allegations about columnists getting paid to endorse political programs. Has anyone paid you to take their side?\n-- Penny Lucre\nPenny is referring to reports that the Department of Education paid right-wing columnist Armstrong Williams to publicly support the "No Child Left Behind" program, while columnist Maggie Williams was contracted to write press materials for a Health and Human Services program that she also advocated (Editor and Publisher, Jan. 26). Also, Zephyr Teachout, former head of the Howard Dean campaign's "internet outreach," has said that left-wing blogger DailyKos was hired by the campaign to secure his endorsement (Wall Street Journal, Jan. 14).\nSo, has anyone paid me to take his side? \nNo. Taking bribes for columns is unethical, immoral and wrong. And, worst of all, I haven't gotten any offers. This is a weekly column with massive circulation, people. Free papers spread throughout the IU campus and Bloomington, and my rates are very reasonable.\nFurthermore, if it means payola or free stuff, I am quite willing to endorse the products I use to create this column. So, if anyone from Apple Computers, Microsoft, Grounds for Thought Coffee or Dr. Titan's Vibrating Rectal Thermometers is reading, give me a ring.\nLetter #2:\nDear Brian,\nOn behalf of the Day Lily Commune, Alternative Habitat and Organic Soybean Farm, I am writing to you about a grave injustice -- monumental acts of theft perpetrated at the highest levels of the American government.\nFor years, my brothers and sisters and I have stood in front of courthouses with our signs and guitars -- sometimes for over two hours, sometimes in the rain -- to press the authorities to stand up for democracy, human rights, tolerance, racial and gender equality, funding for HIV/AIDS research, fighting poverty and other worthy causes.\nWell, first, the Republicans establish fledgling democracies in Afghanistan, Iraq and the Ukraine. Then they pledge $15 billion over five years to combat AIDS abroad (The Associated Press, Jan. 27). Next they allocate $1 billion to faith-based charities in 2003 (Los Angeles Times, Jan. 18). And now they confirm an black woman as secretary of state. \nThey're stealing our causes!\nWhat should we do? We're down to same-sex marriage and marijuana legalization, and if we lose those, we'll ... we'll ... be conservatives!\nSincerely,\nLovebug Moonglow\nDon't worry, Lovebug, there's still plenty of progressive causes out there. Why, you can criticize the Republicans for the out-of-control federal deficit, advocate fiscal responsibility and push them to reduce government involvement in the economy ... Oh, wait, that came out wrong. How about this: you promote free love by supporting same-sex marriage, because nothing encourages free love more than legally-enforceable monogamy ... Oh, hang on here ... Uh, sorry Lovebug, you're on your own.\nFinally, letter #3:\nDear Brian,\nWhy do you suck?\nSincerely,\nSk8trPunk153\nWell, Sk8trPunk153 -- because I need the money.\nThanks to all the fictional readers for contributing. If any real readers are out there, feel free to write in. We value your input, even if we columnists can only find intellectual equals by talking to ourselves ...\nQuit snickering.
(01/24/05 5:01am)
From our sponsor: Today's column has been brought to you by the magic of Voice Activated Pundit Interface Dictation. Just speak and let our software do the typing for you!\nVoice Activated Pundit Interface Dictation: Because the best columns are VAPID columns!\nOkay, is this thing on? Good.\nTake No. 1: So, for this week's column, I want to talk about a very important topic: social security reform. Real stuff. Nothing, you know, frivolous. No "infotainment" here.\nNow I know that most of the people reading this are, like, aged 18 to 25, and this won't immediately concern you for 20 years -- but it's really important.\nOh, crap, I just said "important!" I mean it's ... um ... vital. Yeah, vital. One of those vital things in life. The type of thing that, if someone takes it away from you, you feel like someone has just, like, ripped a big gaping hole in your very essence. And nothing will ever fill it, and ...\nUh, anyway, so President Bush has proposed a plan for putting social security money into private accounts. The way it has worked so far is that the government takes money from our paychecks and puts it into a fund, then reallocates it to retired people. And, when you and I retire, the young working people will pay into this fund to cover our expenses. But since people are living longer and having fewer kids, there will be fewer young people to pay our retirement. So, the President is saying that, for the future, we have to ... we have to ... for the future... I mean... It's just ... Sniff... Can there be any future? Sniff.\nSob. Sniff.\nOh God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It's just that I'm, you know, really torn up about this whole Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston split. I mean, they were such a lovely couple! I really thought they'd make it. A lot of celebrity marriages -- it's so obvious that they'll fall apart. But those two were a love match! You could just tell. God, it's so tragic. It's --\nAhem, ahem ... Excuse me, the editor's talking in my ear. Yeah ... Right ... Right, Chief ... Yeah, you're right. Like you said: "Hard news, social security." Got it. I'm focused. Sorry.\nAlright, so let's try this again. Take No. 2: \nPresident Bush has been saying that this system where young people pay to support old people is going to go bankrupt sometime around 2020 or 2040 or ... I don't know ... some year. It was a good system. But, you know, nothing lasts forever. Nothing ... Sniff. Nothing good ... WAAAHH!\nFour years! They were married four years! That's, like, an eternity in Hollywood time! What about their fans? Did they even think about their fans? I was days away from finishing a Brad-and-Jen macramé tea cozy for their fifth anniversary! I just had to knot the tassels ... It was so beautiful. They'd have loved it! \nThat hussy, Angelina Jolie! Two weeks ago, News of the World said Jen caught Brad and Angelina in the middle of "a ménage à phone!" Can you believe -- ?\nWhat? Editor's in my ear again. No, Chief! Stuff Social Security! This is really important! Well, it's important to me! The tabloids agree with me! And they have a readership of, like, a jillion people! Who cares what happens when we're wrinkled old farts? There won't be a Brad-and-Jen! So what's the point of living that long, anyway? \nEh, what's that, Chief? \nYou'll have me thrown where? \nTo the baboons? \nMating season?!? \nAh, ahem ... In conclusion, cautious reform of Social Security matters deeply for all of us, no matter how stupid and boring it is. No matter that other things are breaking our hearts, and -- \nNo, not the baboons!