Hollywood trumps hard news

From our sponsor: Today's column has been brought to you by the magic of Voice Activated Pundit Interface Dictation. Just speak and let our software do the typing for you!\nVoice Activated Pundit Interface Dictation: Because the best columns are VAPID columns!\nOkay, is this thing on? Good.\nTake No. 1: So, for this week's column, I want to talk about a very important topic: social security reform. Real stuff. Nothing, you know, frivolous. No "infotainment" here.\nNow I know that most of the people reading this are, like, aged 18 to 25, and this won't immediately concern you for 20 years -- but it's really important.\nOh, crap, I just said "important!" I mean it's ... um ... vital. Yeah, vital. One of those vital things in life. The type of thing that, if someone takes it away from you, you feel like someone has just, like, ripped a big gaping hole in your very essence. And nothing will ever fill it, and ...\nUh, anyway, so President Bush has proposed a plan for putting social security money into private accounts. The way it has worked so far is that the government takes money from our paychecks and puts it into a fund, then reallocates it to retired people. And, when you and I retire, the young working people will pay into this fund to cover our expenses. But since people are living longer and having fewer kids, there will be fewer young people to pay our retirement. So, the President is saying that, for the future, we have to ... we have to ... for the future... I mean... It's just ... Sniff... Can there be any future? Sniff.\nSob. Sniff.\nOh God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It's just that I'm, you know, really torn up about this whole Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston split. I mean, they were such a lovely couple! I really thought they'd make it. A lot of celebrity marriages -- it's so obvious that they'll fall apart. But those two were a love match! You could just tell. God, it's so tragic. It's --\nAhem, ahem ... Excuse me, the editor's talking in my ear. Yeah ... Right ... Right, Chief ... Yeah, you're right. Like you said: "Hard news, social security." Got it. I'm focused. Sorry.\nAlright, so let's try this again. Take No. 2: \nPresident Bush has been saying that this system where young people pay to support old people is going to go bankrupt sometime around 2020 or 2040 or ... I don't know ... some year. It was a good system. But, you know, nothing lasts forever. Nothing ... Sniff. Nothing good ... WAAAHH!\nFour years! They were married four years! That's, like, an eternity in Hollywood time! What about their fans? Did they even think about their fans? I was days away from finishing a Brad-and-Jen macramé tea cozy for their fifth anniversary! I just had to knot the tassels ... It was so beautiful. They'd have loved it! \nThat hussy, Angelina Jolie! Two weeks ago, News of the World said Jen caught Brad and Angelina in the middle of "a ménage à phone!" Can you believe -- ?\nWhat? Editor's in my ear again. No, Chief! Stuff Social Security! This is really important! Well, it's important to me! The tabloids agree with me! And they have a readership of, like, a jillion people! Who cares what happens when we're wrinkled old farts? There won't be a Brad-and-Jen! So what's the point of living that long, anyway? \nEh, what's that, Chief? \nYou'll have me thrown where? \nTo the baboons? \nMating season?!? \nAh, ahem ... In conclusion, cautious reform of Social Security matters deeply for all of us, no matter how stupid and boring it is. No matter that other things are breaking our hearts, and -- \nNo, not the baboons!