McFillen River Forum

Every week, letters roll in for us columnists -- letters of support, letters of criticism, letters that say "I have your dog, now give me back my riding lawn mower" -- and the IDS duly reprints them for your perusal.\nBut do any letters for THIS column get reprinted? Sadly, no. \nIt's always the same reasons: "that letter didn't make any sense," or "we don't have enough space," or "we can't print letters from imaginary people."\nWell, this week, nonsensical or not, imaginary or not, my column will reply to three of these forgotten correspondents -- and thereby defend the American right to free and open dialogue with people existing only in our heads.\nLetter #1:\nDear Brian,\nI've read allegations about columnists getting paid to endorse political programs. Has anyone paid you to take their side?\n-- Penny Lucre\nPenny is referring to reports that the Department of Education paid right-wing columnist Armstrong Williams to publicly support the "No Child Left Behind" program, while columnist Maggie Williams was contracted to write press materials for a Health and Human Services program that she also advocated (Editor and Publisher, Jan. 26). Also, Zephyr Teachout, former head of the Howard Dean campaign's "internet outreach," has said that left-wing blogger DailyKos was hired by the campaign to secure his endorsement (Wall Street Journal, Jan. 14).\nSo, has anyone paid me to take his side? \nNo. Taking bribes for columns is unethical, immoral and wrong. And, worst of all, I haven't gotten any offers. This is a weekly column with massive circulation, people. Free papers spread throughout the IU campus and Bloomington, and my rates are very reasonable.\nFurthermore, if it means payola or free stuff, I am quite willing to endorse the products I use to create this column. So, if anyone from Apple Computers, Microsoft, Grounds for Thought Coffee or Dr. Titan's Vibrating Rectal Thermometers is reading, give me a ring.\nLetter #2:\nDear Brian,\nOn behalf of the Day Lily Commune, Alternative Habitat and Organic Soybean Farm, I am writing to you about a grave injustice -- monumental acts of theft perpetrated at the highest levels of the American government.\nFor years, my brothers and sisters and I have stood in front of courthouses with our signs and guitars -- sometimes for over two hours, sometimes in the rain -- to press the authorities to stand up for democracy, human rights, tolerance, racial and gender equality, funding for HIV/AIDS research, fighting poverty and other worthy causes.\nWell, first, the Republicans establish fledgling democracies in Afghanistan, Iraq and the Ukraine. Then they pledge $15 billion over five years to combat AIDS abroad (The Associated Press, Jan. 27). Next they allocate $1 billion to faith-based charities in 2003 (Los Angeles Times, Jan. 18). And now they confirm an black woman as secretary of state. \nThey're stealing our causes!\nWhat should we do? We're down to same-sex marriage and marijuana legalization, and if we lose those, we'll ... we'll ... be conservatives!\nSincerely,\nLovebug Moonglow\nDon't worry, Lovebug, there's still plenty of progressive causes out there. Why, you can criticize the Republicans for the out-of-control federal deficit, advocate fiscal responsibility and push them to reduce government involvement in the economy ... Oh, wait, that came out wrong. How about this: you promote free love by supporting same-sex marriage, because nothing encourages free love more than legally-enforceable monogamy ... Oh, hang on here ... Uh, sorry Lovebug, you're on your own.\nFinally, letter #3:\nDear Brian,\nWhy do you suck?\nSincerely,\nSk8trPunk153\nWell, Sk8trPunk153 -- because I need the money.\nThanks to all the fictional readers for contributing. If any real readers are out there, feel free to write in. We value your input, even if we columnists can only find intellectual equals by talking to ourselves ...\nQuit snickering.