Fee for all free-for-all

In Wednesday's IDS, the political parties vying in this week's IUSA election gave their positions regarding the $30 athletics fee. Some parties, citing the fact that we get nothing in return for the money except (hopefully) $2 million worth of gratitude from the athletics department, suggest T-shirts for compensation. Others, noting that the fee was imposed on IU students without sufficient consultation or due process, are pressing for more "dialogue" next time around.\nT-shirts? Dialogue? \nWith all due respect: Bugger that! We're talking about $2 million here -- possibly more in the future. If this were Vegas, thumbs would break. \nNo, the athletics department OWES us. Not "owes" us -- OWES us. And given that $30 represents 62 percent of my monthly salary (just kidding -- only 48 percent), I want something better than a T-shirt. \nBut I also want to see IU athletics continue to excel in its areas of greatness (for instance, in the rest of the world's football) and improve its areas of not-so-greatness (our country's version). \nThus, here are a few ways the athletics department could either provide services for students or raise new funds, all with little monetary expense:\nCall Rick. Too drunk to drive home? Driveway snowed in? Dog needs shampooing? Just feeling lonely and need to talk? Call Athletics Director Rick Greenspan -- any time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week -- available at a rate of 50 cents a minute. See, when your program is facing a $2 million deficit, and your annual salary is $275,000 (that is, 75 grand more than the president of the United States'), you shouldn't be above a bit of leaf-raking. But there are only so many hours in the day and so much one person can do. Therefore, how about drafting Terry Clapacs and everyone who helmed athletics as it went into the red? And what's Myles Brand's number, while we're at it?\nAthletic Escorts. Nothing sleazy or illegal, mind you -- this isn't the University of Colorado -- but wouldn't it be cool to get your $30 back by going out to dinner with an athlete of your choice? Sure, it's easy to imagine the blokes drooling over taking out a volleyball player -- but ladies, what better way to tell an ex-boyfriend "buzz off" than going clubbing with a defensive lineman? If you want to pick up members of the opposite sex, why not take along a golfer in full kit? You'll look cooler by comparison (one assumes).\nEquip Thyself. Bats, balls, helmets, padding -- in between practices and games, all this stuff just sits there. When it isn't in use, why not allow the rest of us to borrow it, perhaps at an hourly rate charged against the debt? Me, I call dibs on a field hockey stick. I want it handy at the start of next semester for when I have to buy textbooks. Wait in the queue, indeed ...\nNaming Facilities. The Denver Post reported Tuesday that Boston's FleetCenter, home to the Celtics (and supposedly the Bruins -- although everyone knows professional ice hockey's a myth, like unicorns) was offering one-day naming rights to the highest bidder. The rights for Feb. 28 were bought by news/humor Web site www.Fark.com, which was going to call it the "Fark.com Duke Sucks Center" until vetoed by the Center's owners. Thankfully for us, the athletics department is too desperate to veto. To me, this seems like an ideal way for athletics to raise funds without much effort. I can't help but think there are students and alumni willing to pony up cash to rename Assembly Hall the "Davis Sucks Center."\nWe don't have to just hold our noses and accept this fee as-is. Demand something better. \nI want my bloody hockey stick.