Alien-ated by Amnesty

Greetings ladies, gentlemen, asexual lifeforms and all our other readers. \nIn the wake of the second Death Star's destruction, and what appears to be the impending victory of the Rebellion in the Galactic Civil War, we must look ahead to the conflict's aftermath. One key issue is the handling of war crimes. Thus, for today's column, I interviewed Hyperbo Bloviate, executive director of Amnesty Intergalactic, an organization dedicated to the monitoring and protection of human -- er, sentient rights in all of charted space.\nMcFillen (Mc): Ms. Bloviate, what does Amnesty Intergalactic propose we do regarding war crimes?\nHyperbo Bloviate (HB): Well, speaking on behalf of Amnesty Intergalactic, we are calling for the prosecution of war criminals in full, public tribunals under current interstellar law. These should be conducted not merely on an ad hoc basis, but through a permanent Intergalactic Criminal Court.\nMc: Indeed, but where will the resources and authority for this ICC come from? The Rebellion is merely a loose alliance of like-minded planets. Tracking down the Empire's worst offenders will require a long-term, potentially expensive commitment.\nHB: Oh, we're not very concerned about that. The real issue is whether the Rebellion will meet trans-galactic standards of morality and decency in facing up to its own misdeeds.\nMc: Excuse me? The Rebellion? War crimes?\nHB: Yes, in its so-called "crusade" to restore "liberty" to the universe and defeat the "dark side," the Rebellion has acted with impunity. The Mon Calamari and Wookiees and their coalition partners have a lot to answer for.\nMc: But, but -- the Empire blew up Alderaan! And slaughtered innocent people! And employed torture droids! And sought to impose autocratic rule!\nHB: Yes, but look at the litany of offenses committed by the Rebellion! In the "Battle of Endor," they undertook combat operations on a forest moon -- a wildlife sanctuary! There the Rebels endangered local species by firing off blasters, littering, flying speeder bikes at well over the regulation speed limit, burying used toilet paper -- the list goes on.\nMc: But that's where the Death Star's shield generator was!\nHB: Or look at what they did on Tatooine! A class-action lawsuit has been filed by the families of Marion Alfonse "Jabba" the Hutt and 150 non-combatants -- all killed when the Rebellion illegally destroyed Jabba's sail barge, the "S.S. Sandy Dreamer."\nMc: But Jabba was a gangster -- !\nHB: Alleged, but never convicted. On Tatooine, the Rebels again demonstrated their contempt for the environment, killing a protected Rancor, then fed one Boba Fett to a Sarlacc -- a creature that takes years to digest its food. A cruel and unusual punishment if ever there was one, and without the benefit of due process! However, we at Amnesty Intergalactic are especially concerned about the treatment of Sith prisoners.\nMc: How so?\nHB: Demonstrating their contempt for the traditions and beliefs of the Sith, the Rebels have denied them access to lightsabers -- sacred items necessary for the practice of their religious beliefs.\nMc: But they're dangerous -- they murdered the Jedi!\nHB: The same Jedi implicated in the massacre of a tribe of Tusken Raiders?\nMc: What? You mean Sand People?\nHB: Ahem -- Tusken Raiders is the preferred term.\nMc: That was Anakin Skywalker -- you can't condemn the entire Jedi Order for the actions of a single bad apple!\nHB: Well, that's for the courts to decide, isn't it?\nMc: This is absurd.\nHB: What's absurd is an army of self-righteous hypocrites who believe themselves to be above our -- I mean, the galaxy's standards. The Rebels should know better. It's not like they're savages or Americans or anything.