Love poems (remixed)

Tired of stodgy, old Valentine's Day poems? To better reflect the reality of love in the 21st century, I've modernized a few classics:\n"22" by Emily Dickenson:\nI gave myself to him / And took himself for pay.\nThe solemn contract for a life / Was ratified this way.\nFor his return from work, / I was all-anticipation;\nNot knowing his assistant's skill / In oral-based dic-tation.\nToday the house is mine. / To a condo he is gone.\nNow to get that cute neighbor boy / To come and mow my lawn.\n"Life in a Love" by Robert Browning:\nEscape me? / Never -- / Beloved!\nWhile I am I, and you are you, / So long as the world contains us both,\nMe the loving and you the loth, / While the one eludes, must the other pursue.\nAnd I have the night-vision goggle ...\n"Bright Star, Would I Were Steadfast as Thou Art" by John Keats:\nBright star, would I were steadfast as thou art -- / Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night,\nAnd watching, you gripped my heart, / Like an Australian his jar of Vegemite,\nThe moving waters at their priestlike duty / Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,\nOf gazing on the snow-white booty / Of choirboy bent down to scrub the floors;\nNo -- yet still steadfast, still unchangeable, / Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,\nTo feel for ever its soft fall and swell, / Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,\nListen, listen and death itself shall hold no fear, / For I, lucky sod -- have silicone press'd to my ear.\n"Love's Philosophy" by Percy Bysshe Shelley:\nThe fountains mingle with the river / And the rivers with the ocean;\nWho knew you'd get all a-quiver / To Aerosmith's "Sweet Emotion?"\nNothing in the world is single; / Okay, you've heard that line.\nBabe, it's just, you make me tingle -- / 'Cause mama, you're supa-fine.\nSee the mountains kiss high heaven, / And the waves clasp one another;\nNo-sister flower would be forgiven / If it disdain'd its brother:\nWell, not in West Virginia, anyway.\n"Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day?" by William Shakespeare:\nShall I compare thee to a summer's day? / Thou are more lovely and more temperate.\nRough winds do shake the darling buds of May, / And summer's lease hath all too short a date.\nSometimes too hot the eye of heaven shines, / And oft replace'd by night as dark as coal;\nAnd every fair from fair sometimes declines: / Say honey, have I always had this mole?\n"She Walks in Beauty" by Lord Byron:\n1 / She walks in beauty, like the night / Of cloudless climes and starry skies;\nGod almighty that dress is tight! / Focus, keep contact with her eyes:\nSeems by yon faint disco light / She could crack a walnut with those thighs.\n2 / Now that was impossible to guess, / She's coming towards me, 'tis no joke\nBlonde streaks in every raven tress, / Hark, methinks that she just spoke;\n'Tis a joy I cannot express / What's that darling? -- AHHH! You're a bloke!\n"Marriage Morning" by Alfred, Lord Tennyson:\nLight, so low upon earth, / You send a flash to the sun.\nHere is the golden close of love, / All my wooing is done.\nOh, the woods and the meadows, / Woods where we hid from the wet,\nStiles where we stay'd to be kind, / Meadows in which we met!\nLight, so low in the vale / You brighten as if 'twere day\nFor this is the golden morning of love, / Yet "Baa!" is all you say.\nAhh, what a romantic age we live in ...