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(06/19/06 4:01am)
How's that job search going? What about that internship you applied for?\nDidja know that employers have started looking at Facebook profiles?\nHmmm ... from the look on your face, I'm guessing that you didn't.\nYes, indeed -- on June 11, The New York Times reported that companies have begun checking prospective candidates' backgrounds using Facebook; as well as Google, Yahoo, "MySpace, Xanga and Friendster." How can they, you ask, when only friends and schoolmates can see my profile? Well, they just find someone in the company who's an alumnus with an active university e-mail account -- or an intern from your school -- have them do a search and ... bingo!\nWait -- don't panic! I'm here to help. We'll get that profile so clean, the electrons will squeak as they brush past one another. Why, your own grandmother will think you're a nerd.\nAlright, let's start with "Basic Info." Gender, sexual preference, "relationship status" -- most employers can't discriminate against you for those. Not legally, anyway. Now, under "looking for," put down: "friendship" and "long-lasting, traditional, monogamous marriage that will produce many offspring who will grow into loyal future employees." That'll let them know you're a solid investment.\nNow, for "Personal Info." Political views? Put down: "whatever you say." Activities? "Studying hard; wholesome, team-oriented sports; and volunteering totally out of the goodness of my heart and not to pad my resumé." Interests? "Working evenings and weekends without extra pay, long meetings, memos, fluorescent lighting, PowerPoint, inspirational posters, synergy." \nFavorite Music? Tough one. It's obvious which genres to exclude (gangsta rap, punk rock, heavy metal), but not what to include. Next time you're in the record store, hit up the collections and copy down the tracklisting of the blandest one you can find. Say, "All-Instrumental Hits Volume 1," "101 Classic Love Songs," "Smooth Jazz to Drink Your Latte By" -- or, how about, "World's Greatest Elevator Music" (a real album!). Favorite TV Shows? Go with news, sports and whatever everyone else is watching -- just look for the shows that your local newscast talks about instead of real stories. Favorite Movies? No slasher pics, kung fu, gangster flicks, blaxploitation, art films, foreign films or documentaries. For guys, Westerns are a safe bet. For ladies, romantic comedies. Favorite books? Something along the lines of "The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People." Or, if you have a specific company in mind, listing the founder's memoirs is a nice touch.\nNow, obviously, you'll have to edit your groups, photos and wall posts. No more membership in "I totally got laid on the quad" or "4:20 4 Evar!" How about, "People who work quietly and don't move around much" or "I'm totally efficient despite not getting paid." No more postings from friends about "getting ripped," either. In fact, avoid having friends altogether. It's safer that way.\nAnd as for the photo of you and that donkey in Tijuana? At least Photoshop yourself into a suit. You want employers to see you at your best.
(06/12/06 2:15am)
It's summertime -- and you know what that means! Bikinis? No. Barbeque? No. Blockbuster movies? Pfft, right. \nNo, it's the time of year when we, the media, dig up all the unlikely things that are GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!!! \nGranted, it's not like we peg the amount of coverage to the actual lethality of things -- you can only say so much about heart attacks, cancer and car crashes. And there are things that, while unlikely to kill you, nevertheless merit public debate -- terrorism or gang violence, for example. But with vacations slowing life down -- and you people going outside and not paying attention to us -- we have to come up with something special to keep the ad revenue flowing. So, keep an eye out for these critical issues:\nSHARKS! A perennial favorite. The formula is so simple: millions upon millions of people worldwide go to the beach; 50-70 get bit, with five to 15 fatalities (National Geographic, June 13, 2005). And the media ask: what did mankind do to piss off one of nature's dumbest killing machines? Rising ocean temperatures due to global warming? Over-fishing depleting their food sources? I suspect it has more to do with them being sharks -- and us being land mammals stupid enough to play around in the ocean. \nHURRICANE SEASON! Fair enough -- Katrina made people extra-sensitive about hurricanes. Quite understandable, even if it was a case of profound bad luck (a big storm scoring a near-direct hit on one of America's poorest, least-prepared, worst-governed cities). Media outlets do provide a public service by warning folks in the storm's path. And yet, doesn't the coverage of hurricane season's start seem a little excessive, given it's an annual thing? And that we live in the friggin' land-locked Midwest? \nBIRD FLU! To quote a May 28 St. Petersburg Times article: "A global epidemic could kill nearly 2-million people and hospitalize nearly 10-million just in the United States ... (and) scientists estimate that there may be only enough vaccine for about 10 percent of the population..." The title: "Who lives? Flu crisis may make us pick." Never mind that the World Health Organization has only reported 52 deaths in 2006 so far -- all in places where you'd be hard-pressed to find clean hospital sheets. I'm glad that the authorities are taking it seriously -- but after the overhyping of SARS, Ebola and mutated, airborne AIDS, I'm a little jaundiced (but not fatally).\nMYSPACE! It will corrupt your children! And make them fly off to the Middle East! And plot school massacres! And post porn videos! Why, what's a parent to do -- well, besides, pay attention to their kids? And, yet, the media never covers the most disturbing thing about MySpace: that Hoobastank has almost 50,000 friends. \nAll this is just a taste of what to expect. So lock your doors, pull the covers over your head, turn on the TV and never go outside -- well, except to get the \nnewspaper.
(06/05/06 2:22am)
Last week, I stumbled across an April 23 New York Times feature titled "The Student Body" -- the focus of which was the possible emergence of a new trend among elite schools: student adult magazines. As in, you know, an IDS with boobs -- besides those of us on staff (ba dum dum, ching!). According to the New York Times, since 1999 the mags have popped up at Vassar, Harvard, Yale, Boston University and the University of Chicago. Some are run as official student groups, receiving school funds and some are run by students independent of the university. Some feature full nudity, others hardly any. And, as student publications go, they're doing brisk business.\nNow, don't get me wrong, I have no problem with their existence. In fact, when it comes to those that are run as official student groups, I'm quite impressed by their universities' commitment to freedom of expression. And I'm hardly what you'd call a prude. Need proof? Okay: penis, penis, penis, penis, penis. \nHowever, that said, reading about these mags' emergence did get me wondering about whether they might be part of a larger societal shift that we'll come to regret. See, as we find ourselves inundated with everything from "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials to Viagra e-mail spam to tarted-up Bratz dolls, sex is becoming more and more mainstream -- both in the breadth of cultural products (that is, more products that directly invoke sex) and in the depth of explicitness (that is, the words, images, etc. are increasingly graphic). Now, this is not a completely bad thing. We're able to live happier, healthier lives thanks to our greater understanding of sex. And, contrary to what the religious fundamentalists would have you believe, repression always produces a scary, twisted society. An open society holds no perversions comparable to those of one repressed. But, in our laudable efforts to demystify sex, are we risking taking away its spark? Is it becoming too familiar? Will dirty jokes no longer be dirty? Is sex becoming, well, less sexy?\nSadly, I have not had the opportunity lately to test this hypothesis. However, I believe a recent experience is revealing. We're all familiar with the parallels drawn between sex and chocolate. Well, several months ago, I was invited to an excellent party based around the cooking and consumption of massive amounts of chocolate -- chocolate cookies, chocolate cake, chocolate brownies, enchiladas mole (that is, enchiladas with chocolate sauce). Now, I'm not the world's biggest fan of chocolate, but I like it as well as the next person. Nevertheless, after a couple plates of delicacies, I was done. Very done. So done that I wanted nothing more than to lie down in the dark somewhere, hold my stomach and groan. So done that I thought I'd never eat chocolate again. So done that for the next two weeks I could hardly look at chocolate without getting queasy.\nI don't want to get that sick of sex -- although, I am willing to try.
(05/22/06 2:31pm)
Over the weekend, something cool happened that you probably didn't hear about. Or, if you did hear about it, you probably didn't know why it was so cool.\nSaturday, an outrageous, monster-costumed, Finnish death-metal band called Lordi won the Eurovision Song contest.\nWait, wait, wait -- don't turn to the horoscope yet! This does relate to you and me and all of us here in the States -- I promise.\nThe Eurovision Song contest is, well, just what you'd think -- a pan-European competition where each country sends one musical act. The acts, then, compete for votes from a TV audience of about 100 million people. And, given that set-up, the quality of music has been, again, just what you'd think. For 50 years, it has combined the music-hating, soul-killing blandness of American Idol with the pomposity and political dirty-tricks of the Olympics. In 1988, it unleashed Celine Dion upon the world (on behalf of Switzerland -- demonstrating that even neutral countries can inflict crimes against humanity). And then, all of a sudden, some crazy, demonic-dressing, GWAR-inspired Finns won the whole shebang.\nHence my question is this: if such a left-field act can conquer Eurovision -- the mainstreamiest of the mainstream -- why does our mass-media music in this country have to be so painfully, unspeakably dull? Sure, in the cases of the absolute, lowest-common-denominator stuff (Idol, much of Vh1, whoever performs the Superbowl's half-time), there's a fear of causing "offence." Yet, somehow, 1,001 gangsta rap clones get on the cable airwaves -- PTA groups and religious-right puritans be damned -- albeit by saying the same "offensive" things in the same ways, over and over and over again. \nAnd, sure, there's a financial constraint. Marketing is expensive and the big record labels want a safe investment -- so you're much more likely to hear a past-its-prime rock band from the '90s on the radio than something new. But the mass-communications technology has gotten so much cheaper, and there are so many acts that would perform for free, just for the exposure -- how hard would it be to have an American Idol with diverse musical acts, rather than all Whitney Houston wannabes?\nAnd, finally, why could such a breakthrough occur in Europe and not here? The United States' talent pool is probably much deeper than most of Europe's (except in Britain, and, to a lesser extent, Ireland and Sweden). Like it or not, English-language acts remain the global standard, and American culture is less bound by tradition and state interference (for example, the United States still has stronger protection for freedom of expression -- despite the efforts of such organizations like the Federal Communications Commission).\nAnd yet it remains to be seen: could a wild-ass, horns-wearing, skull-sporting heavy metal band survive in a prime-time contest before the millions of zombies who still watch network TV? We might just find out: May 20, CNN reported that NBC is planning a Eurovision-based competition among the 50 states.
(05/08/06 1:31am)
It's no secret that many folks working for this paper would really like to write for a living. But breaking into that biz is no easy matter. Yours truly is perpetually stuck on chapter three of his sure-to-be-blockbuster novel. And that dude who writes the horoscopes? The next Tennessee Williams.\nBut becoming a writer takes discipline, persistence, creativity, luck, a keen eye and a curious mind. Or, at least, that's the old way. No, recent events have uncovered new guidelines:\n• Write all about yourself -- but don't be you. What is the classic, clichéd advice for aspiring writers? "Write what you know." But what if "what you know" is unmarketable? What if you're a middle-class, suburban, straight, white kid with no complaints against your family and no major physical or psychological ailments (that is, except for the desire to be a writer)? Do you write about the world around you? Pfft -- no. That'll violate current literature's preoccupation with introversion, psychological analysis and subjectivity. Besides, you'll have to do research, which is hard. Do you write about what it might be like to be someone else? Yeah, right -- poser. No, it's time for a new you, a more interesting you, a you that's "raw and harrowing" in all the best literary, politically correct ways. Of course there was the James Frey controversy (in short, he wasn't the druggie, super screw-up that he led Oprah to believe). But far more impressive is the tragic, impoverished, Navajo writer Nasdijj -- who turned out to be a white, middle-class author named Timothy Barrus -- and the former homeless drug addict, ex-male-prostitute and HIV-sufferer JT Leroy -- who is played in public by Ms. Savannah Knoop, and is probably the creation of Leroy's "rescuer," Laura Albert. Me, I plan to be a Polynesian quadriplegic who writes with her nose.\n• Be a celebrity. What's great about this is that you don't even have to have talent, or insight, or even be literate. Even American Idol contestants -- not content to merely ruin music -- have managed to land books in the Top 10 of New York Times Bestsellers (December 5, 2004 -- Clay Aiken's memoir debuted at #2). Who said literature was dead?\n• Have others do it for you. You may have heard about how teenage author, Kaavya Viswanathan received a multi-million-dollar advance from her publishers, only to get caught plagiarizing. But did you hear that she worked with a "book packager," Alloy Entertainment, who among other things, "craft proposals for publishers and create plotlines and characters before handing them over to a writer (or a string of writers)"? Alloy has said that they didn't write Viswanathan's book -- but, how amazing to have someone else make up the plot and characters? I could concentrate on punctuation.\nWith these standards anyone could be a writer -- but, then why should they?
(05/01/06 4:46am)
Last Thursday, MTV released a \nreport ...\nYes, you read that right.\nIn their continuing quest to involve themselves in everything except music, MTV released a report on the findings of an extensive survey regarding activism among young people, ages 12 to 24. True to form, while their presentation was striking -- indeed, I would describe it as being a sin against the graphical arts and (aesthetically) the single ugliest piece of research I've ever seen -- their content wasn't terribly groundbreaking. MTV's central conclusion was that an "activation gap" exists between the number of young people expressing an interest in getting involved in social causes, and the number actually involved in said causes -- that is, more people claim to be interested than actually do anything. \nIf I may deliver a message to MTV on behalf of all of social science: "Duh." This gap exists because young people are, generally, human -- and, hence, subject to several well-documented phenomena that produce such results. For example: the collective action problem (everyone sees that something onerous needs to be done, but hopes that someone else will do it -- the result being it doesn't get done) and the tendency to provide "socially correct" answers on surveys (in surveys more people claim to vote than actually do, and tend to express more love for their fellow human beings than they have, etc.; all because they're worried about what the researcher and society will think of them).\nA more interesting question than the one at the core of MTV's report, however, is why the Viacom-owned multinational media behemoth should be interested in this issue at all. Part of it is probably so that MTV can play at being a good influence the next time uptight parent-teacher groups try to have them dragged before Congress, and part of it may be that the halls of MTV are lined with guilt-ridden former-hippie execs who see this and their Prius as proof that they haven't "sold out." But, at the risk of giving MTV credit for something other than attempting to kill popular music, I think they may be on to something that will only get more important with time -- something that will not just affect MTV, but all of humanity.\nWe individuals have so much power today. As I noted last Monday, the information revolution has delivered so much more capability into our hands -- and it's only growing. So much of this has come at the expense of traditional, hierarchical, formal institutions. Today an individual, or a network of individuals, can hold their own against governments, companies, churches, established media and more. But while the monolithic organizations fall to our newfound liberty and efficiency, we're going to have to take their place. Young people matter as never before.\nThus, you must ask yourselves: What are you doing with this power? Are you going to use it for good or for ill? What do you want?\nMe? For starters, better music on MTV.
(04/24/06 4:34am)
The ad ran before many of this paper's readers were even born. The third quarter of Super Bowl XVIII, Jan. 22, 1984: A roomful of bald, pale, dusty drones sit silent as a giant face on a monitor harangues them about the glory of obedience and conformity. Suddenly, a curvy blonde in a tank-top and gym shorts runs into the room with a sledgehammer. She swings it, twisting with the momentum -- and throws. The hammer arcs through the air and crashes into the monitor -- it explodes into light and wind. The drones' blank expressions have turned to slack-jawed amazement, and an announcer says: "On Jan. 24, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh. And you'll see why 1984 won't be like '1984.'"\nIt was one of the most famous commercials in history, and not least because of its astounding prescience: The Macintosh was the first commercially successful personal computer with a graphical user interface -- that is, the first personal computer you or I could operate by clicking on icons instead of entering code. \nNow, not only could regular people afford to own computers, they could use them without needing a degree in computer science. Over the next two decades, individuals would gain the power to run their own businesses, printing presses, laboratories, movie studios and schools -- to hear from every corner of the world, and to speak back. And those in the elite -- whether in democracies or dictatorships, CEOs or celebrities -- would be shaken by the newfound power of the average person.\nAnd for a long time, Apple seemed to embody this idea of technology supporting individuality. Because of Microsoft's market hegemony and popularity with businesses, institutions and other bulk-buyers of machines, Windows PCs were computers for going along with the crowd -- the computers that the advertisement's metaphorical authority made you use. Apples, however, were the rebellion.\nBut, with Apple finally showing signs of gaining against Windows (BusinessWeek reported April 13 that Windows' new Intel machines have produced huge sales to users new to Apple), Apple appears to have forgotten its message from 22 years ago. This Thursday, in a San Jose, Calif., court, Apple's attorneys will be arguing that the bloggers aren't "legitimate members of the press" (to quote Apple's brief). Specifically, they are suing to make the e-mail provider for PowerPage.org -- a blog dedicated to news about Apple -- reveal who leaked information about a new feature of its GarageBand music production software. The Electronic Frontier Foundation has countered that PowerPage's e-mail records are protected under the First Amendment.\nMaybe Apple will win on intellectual property grounds, but it'll be at the cost of abandoning the very principles they've claimed to embody. If the personal computer has given us the ability to be so many things, why can't we be journalists? If computers should be about liberating the individual, why try to take away our freedom of the press? It's just such a Microsoft thing to do.
(04/17/06 4:04am)
Didja have a nice Easter weekend? \nDidja go on an Easter egg hunt? And have Cadbury cream eggs? And sit on the Easter Bunny's lap? And throw Easter grass all around? And break out those Peeps you've been keeping stashed away in the pantry since last Easter, so they'd be nice and crunchy? Well, didja have a good time? Well, didja? Didja? Didja?\nMe? What did I do for Easter weekend, you ask? \nI spent it reading about bear attacks; and contact lens cleaner infested with toxic eye fungus; and a suicide bomber who could only be identified by the hand he left behind; and the proper temperature to cook chicken to avoid catching bird flu; and nuclear threats from Iran; and a bloke who chopped up a little girl and planned to eat her; and escalating tensions between Sudan and Chad; and the re-segregation of the school system of Omaha, Neb.; and worries that a new program letting Apple computers use Microsoft Windows will wipe out the Mac operating system; and reminiscences from a fashion model who claims to have been Angelina Jolie's lesbian lover.\nWell, OK, that last bit wasn't bad -- and there's no way being able to boot Windows will kill off the Mac OS (it'd be like trading in your Lexus for an '88 Ford Festiva) -- but the rest was awful. \nEvery once in awhile -- especially around election-time -- a survey comes out that says that you young people pay bugger-all attention to the news (save The Daily Show). However, they never ask the question: Why should you? \nWhy did I have to know about Russia's Pig Olympics, or about a priest in Toledo, Ohio, accused of the ritual-slaying of a nun (with a letter-opener!), or that medical science has finally given us pregnant robots? A couple days spent reading Internet news feeds, and I don't feel any smarter. I just feel like retreating up into the hills with boxes of toilet paper, ammo and stale Peeps -- to wait for the inevitable mutant-filled \napocalypse.\nThe Web has dropped us into a sort of hyper-reality, where almost anything can be known in a very short amount of time. And some of it is stuff you'll regret knowing. And yet, while ignorance might be bliss, access to information is increasingly important to our lives -- thus, such bliss is becoming a luxury item. No wonder celebrities often come off sounding like spoiled 13-year-olds when they spout off about current events.\nBut maybe there's a way to square the circle between knowledge and happiness. Maybe next time you're running across the quad, late for an exam 'cause you accidentally slept in; or you didn't get that internship you wanted; or your supposed soul-mate just told you to take a long walk off a short fjord; or whatever, you might be able look at the beauty around you and think to yourself: Well, at least I'm not that poor sucker who got eaten by the bear. \nNot yet, anyway.
(04/12/06 5:20am)
I've been all over, and so far I've found cultural stereotypes' accuracy levels to be pretty disappointing. I've known polite, friendly French people (who like Americans!), Germans with senses of humor, laid-back Brits, Italians who aren't in the Mafia (as far as I know -- wink, wink) -- the list goes on. And when it comes to regions within the United States, the stereotypes do even more poorly. Thanks to free movement, mass media and the fact that we didn't spend 1,000 years as tiny, antagonistic kingdoms -- the cultural differences just aren't strong enough (with a few exceptions: Texas, Louisiana, New York City, etc.). Even the red state/blue state distinction is vastly exaggerated. Opinion polls show that the real splits are generally between urban, rural and suburban voters -- not the middle of the country vs. the coasts. \nAll that said, I'll indulge in one stereotype. Coming from Ohio -- the last state in the Union that actually enforces speed limits and highway safety laws -- all y'all are lousy drivers: East Coasters, Hoosiers and, worst of all, Michiganders. How do you know an SUV's from Michigan without checking the plates? Look for twigs, leaves or a deer embedded in the grill.
(04/10/06 5:02am)
From now until May, the Wells Library is hosting an exhibit on the Nobel Peace Prize and its recipients. Organized by IU's Center for the Study of Global Change and the United Nations (along with the Library), the project examines the prize's history and significance by profiling selected winners, such as Woodrow Wilson and International Atomic Energy Agency Chief Mohamed ElBaradei.\nEvery time I stop in the library lobby and look at the burnt-orange, UN-logo'ed placards advertising the exhibit, I get really depressed. \nIt's not that I don't think it's a worthy project. It is -- especially as it grew out of an effort to digitize important historical documents related to the Peace Prize recipients. And, contrary to what you might think from past columns, it's not because I dislike the UN. Like many international relations folks, I am, in fact, a UN fan. As an undergraduate I did Model UN, I've toured the headquarters, my swanky bachelor pad is festooned with UN knick-knacks -- I even have a UN baseball cap. I believe in the organization's mission and I want it to work.\nBut, as Langston Hughes wrote: "What happens to a dream deferred?" In my case, it sits in the library lobby grumbling.\nPart of this, of course, is because of diplomacy's notorious record regarding conflict prevention. Two of the exhibit's subjects, Aristide Briand and Frank Kellogg, were the authors of 1928's Kellogg-Briand Pact, an international treaty outlawing war -- and a joke to four generations of international relations scholars. Woodrow Wilson's efforts (The League of Nations) didn't quite work either -- and under ElBaradei's watch, two of the world's most dangerous regimes, Iran and North Korea, are becoming nuclear threats.\nBut no one said achieving peace was easy -- and diplomacy has had surprising successes: in ending apartheid in South Africa, in managing Eastern Europe's (mostly) peaceful democratization, even in bringing the bulk of the Northern Ireland conflict to a close.\nNo, what bothers me is what, in the 21st century, the UN and the international peace movement have become. The UN's corruption, abuse and betrayal of purpose -- as uncovered by the UN's own investigation by Paul Volker, by Sen. Norm Coleman's congressional investigation and by the work of Wall Street Journal reporter Claudia Rosett -- is simply staggering: from the Oil-for-Food scandal, to misappropriation of funds, child molestation by peacekeepers and failing to act against genocide (examples: Bosnia, Rwanda, Darfur) and oppression (examples: far too many). Meanwhile, something has gone wrong with the peace movement: Somewhere along the line, someone defined peace as being compatible with tyranny, human rights abuses and terrorism. Nominal "peace organization," International ANSWER, for instance, has been outed as a front for the Stalinist Workers World Party and has supported villains like the late Slobodan Milosevic. What happened? Does the cause of peace now demand the selling of one's soul?\nSee, aren't you depressed now too?
(04/05/06 4:58am)
It's not often that I make common cause with the Graduate Employees Organization. Don't get me wrong, there are folks in the GEO who I know and I quite like -- it's just that our ideological differences tend to lead us to disagree on things. However, regarding the University's short-changing of graduate student health and dental insurance, we find ourselves on the same page. Furthermore, recent statements made by officials of the Graduate and Professional Students Organization -- grad students' official voice with the administration -- indicate that the GPSO is on this very page as well. \nTake, for example, Benefits Committee Chairman John Scott's advocacy of a dental insurance plan, and Moderator Paul Rohwer's support for subsidies for grad students' dependents. In short, there seems to be a consensus building that IU is not doing enough to insure its graduate employees -- and the University administration would be wise to take note.\nIn Thursday's protest, the GEO called on the University's sense of social justice -- for instance, by highlighting the financial burden faced by students with families. In a March 22 staff editorial, the IDS appealed to the University's desire for excellence -- warning that IU might hurt its ability to attract the "best and the brightest" grad students if it does not offer a better benefits package. The nobler angels of IU's nature having thus already been taken -- I'll speak to the institution's less idealistic seraphim: the ones monitoring its pocketbook.\nAs the state of Indiana's flagship institution, IU-Bloomington faces some fundamental tensions. One lies in providing a quality education while remaining widely accessible to Hoosier students (meaning, among other things, pressure to restrain the growth of tuition). Another lies between pursuing high standards in teaching, while, simultaneously, pursuing high standards in research. Like many schools, IUB has sought to square this circle by employing graduate students. \nCheaper than faculty -- especially as much of our compensation comes in the form of scholarships (that is, foregone revenue for the University, rather than pay-outs) -- grad students are used to teach the high-enrollment, introductory-level courses and do the more menial aspects of research. This frees up faculty to undertake the more specialized, value-added activities, such as advanced research and special elective courses. To the undergrads reading this: If you find your tuition high and your classes large now -- imagine what things would be like without grad students.\nAnd yet, conditions outside the University are challenging IU's ability to attract grad students. For instance: the strength of the U.S. economy. An unemployment rate of 5.1 percent; a gross domestic product growth rate of 3.5 percent; an emphasis on information and service-based industries; and, according to consulting firm Challenger, Gray, & Christmas, the best job market for college grads since 2001 -- it all adds up to fierce private-sector competition for the very people who might consider graduate study. \nAnother is that fewer Americans are getting doctorates in the vital STEM fields (scientific, technical, engineering, and mathematics fields), making universities increasingly dependent on foreign graduate students -- and, yet, the supply of the latter might be reduced by tighter immigration laws and greater international competition (foreign graduate applications have only recently rebounded after being in decline since the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks -- Financial Times, March 24). Meanwhile, high-enrollment disciplines, such as Business, are facing a critical shortage in doctoral faculty. Based on a 2002 report by the Association to Advance Collegiate Schools of Business, the AACSB's BizEd Magazine reported "that the number of business doctoral degrees conferred in the U.S. during the second half of the 1990s declined considerably in comparison to those conferred in the first half" and "projected that the shortage would only worsen. In coming years, demand for management education will increase just as supply will be decreasing …" (January/February 2006). To state the obvious: as the scarcity of graduate students rises, so too does the scarcity of qualified faculty. \nIn short, IU is offering a lower-quality insurance package at the same time as market forces are conspiring to raise the premiums for\n qualified graduate students in many key areas.\nAnd while IU has strong graduate programs, these are not so high as to allow complacency regarding competition for graduate students. In the 2007 U.S. News & World Report Graduate School rankings, only education, sociology, history, criminology and several specializations of psychology were in the top 20 nationally (April 4). Then there's one of IUB's most enduring problems: the fact that Bloomington, while lovely, is far from the major metropolitan areas where many job and research opportunities lie. To take my own field (political science) as an example, Bloomington is an hour's commute (one way) from the center of Indiana politics -- much less the "corridors of power" for the national or international stage. And the lack of job \nopportunities can be a particular \nproblem for married grad students -- whose spouse might not want to leave his/her career ambitions \nbehind. Thus, the University is not only offering a lower benefits package \nunder conditions of tight competition -- it is also doing so when, in poker terms, its hand is not unbeatable.\nIU faces a choice, then: it can improve the benefits package now -- or it can wait. And if it waits, it will incur additional costs from scrambling to recruit graduates in short-fall areas, from paying more for scarcer faculty, from making high-value-added faculty undertake low-value-added work, from risking reducing the quality of its programs -- and, then, end up bowing to market conditions and having to pay for higher benefits, anyway. \nAt the moment, the University administration is looking at the short-term and thinking that they cannot afford to provide greater benefits to the grad student employees. But the fact is that, looking at the longer-term, they can't afford not to.
(03/27/06 7:14am)
IU, like most universities, can't help but look to the Ivy League for ideas -- new ways of teaching, new fundraising schemes, the latest intellectual trends, knick-knacks to draw the attention of prospective students, etc. But, over at Yale, there's a new fashion trend that I'm not quite sure we can get behind.\nSayed Rahmatullah Hashemi has been admitted to Yale as a special student. Hashemi also happens to be former ambassador-at-large for the Taliban. \nAs in, you know, the TALIBAN -- one of the world's most brutal regimes until it was overthrown by U.S., Afghan and coalition forces. The TALIBAN -- who carried out genocidal attacks against the Hazaras and other civilians not belonging to their Pashtun ethnic group, leaving mass graves in their wake. The TALIBAN -- who mandated that women were not allowed to go to school, hold jobs, leave the house or go uncloaked by burqas; and who tortured or murdered them if they refused. The TALIBAN -- who demolished the more-than-1,500-year-old Buddhas of Bamiyan, statues regarded not only as sacred to Buddhism, but significant works of the world's cultural heritage. The TALIBAN -- who terrorized the people of Afghanistan, imprisoning, torturing, or executing them if they spoke out, or refused to grow beards, or flew kites, or listened to music. And, yes, the TALIBAN -- happy hosts of Osama bin Laden and al-Qaeda, who still plot to kill thousands of innocents in their quest for a new Caliphate, a global, theocratic, totalitarian empire. \nAnd Hashemi is a bit of a movie star as well, having appeared in Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11." If you've seen the film, you might remember the scene -- at a press conference, a female protester speaks out against the Taliban's abuse of women, and Hashemi replies: "I'm really sorry to your husband. He must have a very tough time with you."\nAnd, yet, instead of being in Guantanamo Bay or -- better yet -- facing justice at the hands of the Taliban's former subjects -- he's being feted at Yale. Why? Because as Richard Shaw, Yale's former dean of undergraduate admissions told the New York Times, he had "personal accomplishments that had significant impact" and because, to quote the Wall Street Journal, "Yale had another foreigner of Mr. Hashemi's caliber apply but 'we lost him to Harvard' (Shaw said) and 'I didn't want that to happen again.'" So, apparently, dictators' toadies are in great demand among the smart set.\nClearly we at IU must have the wrong idea. Ever since the aftermath of World War II, when Herman B Wells led the University to take a key role in post-war reconstruction, IU has been working to support democracy and human rights around the world -- whether by supporting Tibet's government-in-exile, hosting refugees from Burma's vicious military junta, or establishing programs to help foster democracy in the former Soviet republics of Central Asia. \nBut perhaps that's passé. Is there any of the Khmer Rouge left that we \ncould admit?
(03/20/06 4:38am)
Newly back from spring break, your fertile young mind must be abuzz with questions. Did the Hoosiers win? How much work do I need to do to pass this semester? Why does it burn when I pee? And, of course, what news did I miss while I was out?\nWell, I've gathered up the past week's most important stories -- all summarized down to bite-sized news-nuggets. So, with no further ado, here's the week in review:\n• Saturday: Slobodan Milosevic -- the former Yugoslav president responsible for genocide against civilians in Bosnia, Croatia and Kosovo -- died in his cell while still on trial for war crimes. This is a sad event since it'll mean the waste of a perfectly good coffin. Unfortunately, no one builds a toilet large enough for flushing dictators. \n• Sunday: In the evening, fierce storms hit the Midwest -- killing 10 people and causing massive damage in Springfield, Ill. Wait -- Sunday evening? Springfield, Ill.? And Springfields in Missouri, Kansas and Indiana ... It's official: The Simpsons have finally PISSED OFF GOD! Jeebus have mercy!\n• Monday: The trial against al-Qaida terrorist Zacharias Moussaoui was nearly derailed when the judge ordered an inquiry into whether witness coaching by Transportation Security Administration lawyer Carla Martin had a significant impact on the case. Rumor has it that the TSA is in talks to replace Martin with IU's own Mike Davis -- whose coaching has never been known for its significant impact on anything.\n• Tuesday: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inducted its 2006 class, including Black Sabbath, Blondie, the Sex Pistols and Miles Davis. Unfortunately, according to Rolling Stone, Ozzy Osbourne declined to perform claiming, "my balls hurt." Upon reading this, Kevin Federline took to wearing a cup. \n• Wednesday: Researchers from Cedars-Sinai Medical Center released findings that capacin, the chemical that makes hot peppers hot, might also fight prostate cancer -- thus opening the possibility for a fraternal initiation ceremony that is both unspeakably disgusting and good for you. \n• Thursday: The Internet erupted with outrage as news spread that Bill Gates, in a March 15 speech to The World Leaders Forum, mocked a Google-sponsored project to produce $100 laptops for use by children in the world's poorest countries -- taking particular aim at their hand-cranked power source and lack of broadband access. Gates, however, defended his remarks, citing the example of Nigeria -- a very poor nation, whose citizens, nonetheless, clearly have ready e-mail access (not to mention riches to move out of the country, if, by God's grace, you could please provide your bank account number...). \n• Friday: St. Patrick's Day, when the nation celebrates 2,000 years of Irish culture and 150-plus years of Irish-American achievement -- in the form of leprechauns and green beer. This humble writer would say more about the day, but, frankly, can't remember much of it.\nNow, aren't you glad you're back? How could spring break possibly compare to such excitement?
(03/06/06 5:35am)
Yay! Spring break! Woo-hoo!\nWhat's that? It doesn't start for another week? No! Oh NO!\nFor the love of God, have mercy! Haven't we learned enough? There's been eight weeks of class already this semester! Some animals' lifespans don't last eight weeks. \nC'mon, let us take off early. Even Pharaoh freed the Israelites. Well, OK, the Israelites were escaping slave labor and there were plagues and stuff. But, there was sand involved. And if you'd just let us go, there could be sand involved too -- and waves, and sunbathing and bikinis. Like Charlton Heston says in that movie where he has a beard but doesn't fight apes: "Let my people go!"\nWeren't you folks ever young? Haven't you ever wanted to have a good time? Don't you know what it could be like? Haven't you ever watched MTV? We could be down at the beach house right now watching fourth-rate shock comics emcee gross-out competitions and pretending to enjoy Young Jeezy's stylin's. And that's just for the pretty, brainless, wealthy, well-connected ones among us. The rest of us could be off in some place with cheap drinks and lax local law enforcement, engaging in hijinks. Hijinks, I tell you! Like handcuffing drunken buddies to inflatable sheep, or crashing golf carts into swimming pools, or trying to outrun patrol boats off the coast of Cuba, or videotaping ourselves skiing the Matterhorn naked, or doing those extreme sports we saw on TV -- the ones they told us not to \nattempt!\nWe could be off doing service work or something -- like going to Costa Rica (beaches) to build hospitals (beaches) and orphanages (beaches) for disabled children (beaches). Why, just think of all the good that could be done if you let us off for spring break early! Many small countries depend on the money from spring break just to survive! The Bahamas is expecting 15,000 tourists alone (Bahama Journal, March 3). Let us take off a week early, and that'll be a whole week's worth of extra revenue to help the Bahamian economy. And if you don't think that'd make a difference, just look at Haiti. No spring breakers in Haiti -- and look how that has turned out!\nAnd everyone knows that spring break already began with Mardi Gras, anyway. It's tradition. It goes back to medieval times. In fact, it's a religious devotion. And it's patriotic -- what with trying to rebuild New Orleans and all. It's part of your civic duty. Put simply -- if you love this country, you'll let us take off early. And, if you don't -- well, you might as well move to Russia or something.\nWhat's more, we need this experience. College isn't supposed to just teach you about textbooks -- it's also supposed to teach you about life. And we need this to, you know, grow as people -- and totally find ourselves. Because we're the future. \nAnd I'm telling you right now -- the future wants to get drunk and go \ntopless.
(02/27/06 4:42am)
So, IU-Bloomington, I read in Thursday's Indiana Daily Student that you're looking to raise your admissions standards. Good for you! Really -- there's nothing worse than going out and hooking up with the first high school senior who gives you the eye, only to regret it in the morning. Too much of that can ruin your reputation. Next thing you know, you're picking up sailors in waterfront bars -- like Ohio State. \nNo, you need someone who won't just tell you that you've got hot programs, but someone who really respects you as a university. As Dr. Phil might say: "You don't need marmalade to make a squirrel dance the flamenco." OK, I don't know what that means either -- but you get the idea. \nBut it can be a tough scene. According to a Voice of America report, there are "2,618 accredited four-year colleges and universities" in the United States -- and they're all on the make. If you want to find that special someone, do what lonely columnists ... er people ... all over the world do: Put up a profile on the Web. I'll get you started:\nAbout us: Single Midwestern State University seeks several thousand fulfilling long-term relationships (How long? Like an elephant, the IU Foundation never, ever forgets). Must be into (academic) discipline, limestone decorating schemes, increasingly complex Web-based registration, cream and crimson, one-way streets, wearing things with "Indiana" printed across your butt, watching libraries gradually sink toward the core of the earth (very gradually). Recently visited by Playboy. Voted totally hot by Newsweek (August 22, 2005).\nBody type: Student.\nOrientation: June through July.\nEthnicity: As diverse as we can possibly make it, given we're in the middle of rural-bloody-Indiana.\nReligion: Not if we want state funding.\nZodiac sign: State Route 37, next exit.\nTurn-ons: Accreditation, rich alumni, bicycle shorts, published articles, grants, the life sciences, Steak & Shake, inventing new layers of bureaucracy, walks through the woods, big unions, taking every opportunity to mention how much Purdue sucks. By the way, Purdue -- you suck.\nTurn-offs: Losing at basketball, hazing, losing at basketball, state budget cuts, losing at basketball, faculty turnover, losing at basketball, change, losing at basketball, anthropomorphic mascots, losing at basketball, having our name nicked by Indiana University of Pennsylvania (lamers!) -- and, last but not least, LOSING AT BASKETBALL.\nFavorite movies: "Hoosiers," "Breaking Away," "Kinsey." In the latter, we even had a credited role -- under our stage name: "University of Indiana."\nFavorite music: We have a soft spot for John Mellencamp, of course. Except his albums before 1982's American Fool -- no one's spot is that soft. \nHeroes: Herman B Wells ... and, fine, OK -- a certain legendary basketball coach with whom we sorta had a nasty breakup. Oh, Bobby, Bobby ...\nAnyway, I'll leave you to fill in the rest. Just remember -- there's plenty of fish in the sea ... with a B average who graduated in the top 40 percent of their class.
(02/20/06 4:34am)
Two weeks ago, the best radio station I've ever heard announced that if it cannot find enough subscribers by March 6, it might shut down forever. \nWOXY.com is an independent, Internet-based station that plays modern rock like '60s FM radio used to play modern rock -- like MTV in the '80s used to play modern rock. In short, its disc jockeys (not computers) spend every day bursting the boomer-promoted myth that music today doesn't hold a candle to the "good old days." I'd hazard a guess that it introduces more new artists in two hours than MTV does in a week (or, would, if it still showed music videos). \nBut despite offering an exceptional service, WOXY is scrambling for survival, thanks to bandwidth costs and licensing fees. Incredibly, whereas major record labels will go so far as bribe music directors to play their music on terrestrial radio (you'll see a Sony logo next to payola in the dictionary), they actually charge Internet radio stations to play their music. \nFolks, there's a war on for the very heart of our culture. And you and I are losing -- because most people are too distracted, or resigned, or ignorant, or apathetic; or, worst of all, too content with letting someone else call the shots for them.\nI'm not talking about some grand global conflict of ideologies, or even squabbles between America's political right, left, and middle. No, I'm talking about the steady drive media conglomerates, major software firms, the Federal Communications Commission and others are making toward exercising tighter control over digital media -- which, in the 21st century, means all media.\nNo -- no need for the tinfoil headgear. This is no conspiracy theory, not unless extraterrestrials are secretly running the Recording Industry Association of America (although this would help explain the Grammys). The problem is that fear regarding the easy distribution and reproduction of digitized material (say, music) has led the industries to want to control every aspect of how you use their \nproduct.\nWhen they went after filesharers, this seemed reasonable -- people were downloading entire catalogs of music without paying for it. And artists gotta eat -- I don't need emaciated drummers on my front lawn. When they went after samplers, this too made some sense. It's one thing to use a sample of someone else's music purely for art's sake; it's another to make money off it without cutting them a piece of the pie. But then Sony hid computer-compromising rootkits in their CDs. And now, the Electronic Frontier Foundation -- a digital copyright consumer group -- is warning that the RIAA has argued that people do not have the right to rip CDs to their computers or iPods. \nWhere will it end?\nPostscript: If you want to join the good fight, WOXY's address is www.woxy.com. Membership is $9.95 a month, but on the message boards you'll find fans who'll sponsor your first month to try it out no strings attached (check the "adapt-a-listener" thread).
(02/13/06 5:06am)
I don't know if these columns leave any impression beyond the final sentence. But, if so, you might have noted that every year I write something snarky about Valentine's Day -- something bitter, mean-spirited, nowhere near "in the spirit of things" ...\nWell, I just want to say: Not this year. Nope.\nFor example, I won't write about how it's a big scheme by florists, candy-makers and jewelers to make single people feel inadequate and bleed people in relationships dry. I mean, if I happened to know that, according to price-indexes for 14 cities calculated by Internet-dating Web site www.Dateable.com, the average date costs about $95 -- I wouldn't use it. Nor would I employ a Discover Card survey's findings that Valentine's Day costs women an average of $74 and men pony up, on-balance, about $127. \nAnd it would be downright awful of me to say something about how I'm convinced that not only will you end up paying for dinner this Valentine's, but also that your date will surprise you by ordering lobster thermidor -- despite its not being on the menu. Or about how the flowers will turn out to be sprayed with a pesticide that makes you break out in hives. Or how the milk chocolates are mixed with the tears of Colombian villagers forced to make them for the narco-terrorist group FARC as part of a complex money-laundering scheme -- the ultimate purpose of which is to buy plague bombs. \nThat wouldn't do at all.\nIt would also be unromantic of me to bring up the American Social Health Association's estimate that over 65 million Americans are infected with a viral sexually transmitted disease. Or that ASHA reports that "less than half of adults ages 18 to 44 have ever been tested for an STD other than HIV/AIDS" or its claim that "one in two sexually active persons will contract an STD by age 25." And it would be downright wrong of me to worry that your date is looking a bit green around the gills. I mean -- is it just me, or is that nose looking a little droopy? Like it might fall off due to advanced syphilis? No, I'm sure it's nothing.\nAnd you wouldn't want to hear about how half of all marriages end in divorce. Especially since I predict that you and your spouse will be together forever. At least until they meet that pool boy. No, sex and orientation don't matter -- I definitely foresee hoses and nets and chlorine. And I'm not talking about the work on the pool. And I won't mention their beach-front villa in Costa Rica. Or that their lawyers leave you eating out of dog food tins.\nFinally, it would be wrong to point out that the Romans probably killed St. Valentine in some horribly brutal fashion and that Cupid looks like a pedophile's fever-dream.\nNo, I'll simply say this: \nHave a Happy Valentine's Day.
(02/06/06 3:26am)
This Wednesday brings us the 48th Annual Grammy Awards, the night the music industry's finest gather together to award each others' sales -- er, work -- and music lovers the world over mass around their TV screens to see whether this year's ceremony is deeply embarrassing, or just simply mediocre. \nBuzz is gathering that this year's show might be one to watch. Last Wednesday, Grammy officials confirmed that the festivities will kick off with a pairing of genre-defying cartoon superstars, the Gorillaz and Madonna. The act is going to employ cutting-edge holographic technology that renders two-dimensional characters in 3-D -- which should make Madonna look far more realistic. Expect to hear several more variations of this joke during the next few days.\nOf course, looming over the shin-dig like Edgar Allan Poe's raven is the fact that the music industry is about as spry and healthy as the poet's beloved Lenore. Rolling Stone reported Jan. 13 that "2005 saw album sales drop 7.2 percent" and "overall, consumers bought 48 million fewer albums than in 2004, marking a disastrous 21 percent slide from the industry's peak in 2000, according to Nielsen SoundScan." \nThe major labels continue to blame their woes on peer-to-peer networking pirates (yarr), and at least one industry insider told Rolling Stone that 2005's woes were a result of comparison with 2004, which saw releases by mega-acts like U2 and Eminem. \nBut music consumers tell a different story. The Associated Press and Rolling Stone reported that, in a 1,000-person telephone poll, "80 percent of the respondents consider it stealing to download music for free without the copyright holder's permission, and 92 percent say they've never done it." And more significant, the same poll found "that 49 percent of music fans ages 18-to-34 — the target audience for the music business — say music is getting worse." \nOn top of this, small indie labels continue to eat into the majors' share of the pie, claiming 18 percent of 2005 CD sales, despite far fewer marketing resources. And yet, while this is going on, the major labels are worrying about whether people's ability to buy the one or two songs they want will reduce sales of "Greatest Hits" collections.\nLook, I can rattle off a whole slew of ills with the music industry, but I have found no more elegant summary than that provided by DJ Star of syndicated radio show Power 105.1. After quoting Star as saying that the new track by Kevin Federline (i.e. Mr. Britney Spears) is "incredibly horrible," CNN reported Jan. 25 that "Even though Star dissed the record, he vowed to play it ... (and) added that despite the negative feedback, Federline may still have his hit. 'Radio is a mind-altering and conditioning monster within itself,' he says. 'You play something 45,000 times ... you're going to start singing it.'" \nAnd quoth consumers, "Profits? Nevermore"
(01/30/06 5:12am)
1.3 billion.\nLet your eyes linger on that number. Touch it. Taste it. Roll around in it. Not doing anything for you? Oh well. \nTo international companies, that number is intoxicating -- it's corporate catnip. They see that number listed as the population of China, then see China's roughly 10 percent rate of annual economic growth -- and suddenly everything goes soft-focus. And harps play. And they know (KNOW!) they must do anything to get in that market. \nNo matter that China's lax copyright enforcement allows local competitors to pirate their products with impunity (while you and I endure increasingly shrill anti-piracy ads on our DVDs). No matter that they're forced into dubious joint-ownership deals with local firms -- some of which are owned by the Red army. \nNo matter that China's badly underdeveloped infrastructure prevents their goods from reaching consumers, or that shoddy local suppliers undermine the goods' quality, or that they have to bridge perilously large cultural differences in order to successfully market those goods. (As one classic story goes: In attempting to translate "finger-lickin' good" into Chinese, KFC instead told potential customers "eat your fingers off.")\nNo matter that petty bureaucrats stick them up for bribes, or that they come in for arbitrary punishment at the central government's whim. And no matter that they have to shell out boatloads of cash in the hope that, if they just hold out long enough, they'll outlast their competitors. No, the prize is too great. We're talking about a 1.3 billion-person market!\nAnd, so, to better compete against its rivals for China's rapidly growing search engine market, Web-titan Google has placed the servers for its new Chinese portal, www.google.cn, in the People's Republic. On the plus side, this means Google can conduct faster searches for local consumers. On the minus side: the servers are now under the jurisdiction of one of earth's most repressive governments -- and Google has agreed to prevent subjects such as "democracy" and "Dalai Lama" from offending its customers' delicate eyes.\nGoogle isn't alone in capitulating to Communist Party demands -- nor has it provided the most malicious example. Microsoft agreed to block bloggers' posts in accordance with Beijing's wishes, and Yahoo! actually shopped a human-rights activist to the authorities (he's now serving 10 years for e-mailing info on internal government discussions about the anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre). Google isn't offering blogging or e-mail on the Chinese servers, and it's at least notifying people when pages have been censored.\nBut that seems like cold comfort from the company that popularized "don't be evil" as its standard -- and such a depressing betrayal of the nature of the internet. \nHere on a college campus, you'll find many people who believe that business is only about making money -- who don't understand that it's also about fulfilling individuals' visions, and innovation, and finding a purpose, and loyalty, and public service, and, ethics. Sadly, Google isn't proving them wrong.
(01/23/06 5:35am)
A recent study by the American Institutes for Research claims that most college graduates are lacking in basic skills needed for everyday 21st century American life. In fact, the Associated Press reports that "More than 50 percent of students at four-year schools and more than 75 percent at two-year colleges lacked the skills to perform complex literacy tasks," which include "three types of literacy: analyzing news stories and other prose, understanding documents and having math skills needed for checkbooks or restaurant tips" (AP, January 19).\nWell, what a load of bunk! I'm a college graduate, and I can totally analyze news stories and understand documents and ... have math skills!\nJust to prove it, I went and read the latest issue of The Economist. For those unfamiliar with The Economist, it's a well-regarded "weekly news and international affairs publication of The Economist Newspaper Limited in London." That's right. Not only is it named after economics -- it's British, like PBS. So you know it's really hard and \neducational.\nAnd what did I learn? Well, from the Jan. 18 piece "Opening the boss's pay packet," I learned that "on January 17th, America's Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) voted to propose a set of rules that will require firms to unpick the complicated remuneration packages that American bosses enjoy to reveal the true cost of their \nemployment." \nWhich is good, because ... you know ... remuneration packages are very ... uh ... complicated and picky. And we need our exchange secured. Back in the good old days, remuneration packages were simple and everybody knew your name. You'd step outside and there, on your doorstep, was a bottle of milk and a package of remuneration and ...\nOK, so I didn't read the whole thing. It was boring, and I had more important things to do. But I got the gist of it, that's the important thing. And it's not like the study was on whether you can read The Economist. For instance, the AP story also said: "Almost 20 percent of students pursuing four-year degrees had only basic quantitative skills. For example, the students could not estimate if their car had enough gas to get to the service station."\nNow that's just silly. Who couldn't figure out how much fuel they need to get to a gas station? My car gets about 25 miles to the gallon. And the nearest gas station is two miles away. So that's 25 miles/1 gallon = 2 miles/X gallons and so that means that 25X = 2. And two divided by 25, that equals ... uh ... 25 into two and that's ... um ... and that's exactly ... not much gas.\nSo, clearly The American Institutes for Research are underestimating the vast stores of useful knowledge that we absorb in our four years of ardent study. Why, the article even claimed that college graduates could not "understand the arguments of newspaper editorials"! You know what I say to that? \nKerflugalum urpurp maluggi su.