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(02/23/05 5:00am)
Beep! Beep! That was the sound of Jimmy Fallon's career suicide after he left the cast of "Saturday Night Live" and chose to make "Taxi," his first major, post-show project. The film is a take-off on the 1998 French action-comedy of the same name, but something must have been lost in the translation. Yes, the American version has cool chase scenes with fast cars and beautiful women, but the plot is weaker than an egg shell and there's no comedy to make up for it. Plus, it's just plain boring.\nFallon plays Andy Washburn, a tragically incompetent New York City cop who can't operate a motor vehicle. He co-stars with Queen Latifah as Belle, a woman fulfilling her lifelong dream of becoming a cab driver as she zips around the city in a souped-up Crown Victoria. The two team up to catch sexy Brazilian bank robbers (headed by Gisele Bundchen). Fallon crashes into things and Queen Latifah is feisty. The end.\nWhat if the sexy Brazilian bank robbers get away with their crime? No one really cares. And worst of all, no one is laughing. The cast is talented but the script is weak. The only laughs to be found come from the outtakes shown during the ending credits when Fallon refers to himself as the illegitimate, white grandchild of Barry White. Fallon and Latifah are very capable actors for this brand of action-comedy, but the writing doesn't give them a fighting chance.\nA few key moments in the film that sparkle like diamonds in the coal mine of boredom include a drunken mother in a pink bath robe, a lime green Dae Woo bursting into flames and a rendition of Natalie Cole's "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" sung in classic Fallon falsetto. \nThe DVD sports an extended version of the film, deleted scenes and five featurettes. The most notable featurette is a candid look behind the scenes guided by Fallon where he admits to being "mediocre funny" and points out good places on the set to hide bongs. Also included is "Beautiful Criminals" which shows only clips of the sexy bank robbers so you can watch attractive women in action without all those annoying movie parts in between. \nDie-hard Fallon fans might enjoy the extra face time, but beware: it is painful to see a loved one suffer. Sitting through "Taxi" might give you the urge to put poor Jimmy out of his misery or at the very least turn off the DVD player.
(02/17/05 4:06am)
The act of "slacking" is generally done by the species Lazy-us Slackimus, otherwise known as the "slacker."\nIn the past, slacking was viewed as a noble lifestyle where the slacker lived at home in his parents' basement. Some common names for the slacker were "unemployed" and "weed aficionado." But things have changed. Slacking has evolved into a state of enlightenment that all college students can share.\nPlenty of students have no difficulty achieving this spiritual state. Perhaps you look around a lecture hall and find yourself surrounded by slackers or even consider yourself to be one. Or maybe you fall into an entirely different category.\nIf you find yourself chronically studying, going to class or feeling stressed out and busy, you might have a rare medical condition known as being an "overachiever." In this case, you need help. Once you admit you have a problem, there are three steps you can take to find slacker nirvana: avoid setting goals, procrastinate and nap.\nAn uninspired high school athletics coach once told me to set very low goals. However, an even wiser IU freshman advised that I should set no goals at all. Dropping all goals and aspirations is the first step to enlightenment.\nWe are all canaries imprisoned in a cage with bars made of goals.\nLet's say you want to be president. That's fine. But if you lodge this goal into your brain as something you must accomplish, think of the sad puppy face you'll make if you never succeed. \nIf you don't have any expectations for yourself, you'll be much happier. Actually doing anything is a major accomplishment. Simply waking up in the morning and eating cereal puts you way ahead of the game.\nA life free from goals might seem aimless, but there's one underlying principle that governs the life of a slacker: procrastination. It's not just a bad habit anymore. It's another stepping stone down the path to enlightenment.\nUnfortunately, it is nearly impossible to exist at an institution of higher education and do absolutely nothing, so become very familiar with the two words "last minute."\nOnce you put everything off, what are you going to do with all of that free time? There are plenty of important things to do, such as making new friends on http://thefacebook.com or talking to your real friends online. With the Internet, talking to people in person is no longer necessary, even if they live in the same building or room.\nBut if constantly staring at a screen instead of a book has you concerned, don't worry. There is one slacker activity that takes precedence over all the rest: sleep. It must be done often. If you have no classes or appointments, waking up before noon is a huge mistake. And if you do have early engagements, I can't stress enough the importance of napping. A slacker without a nap is like a grenade without its pin. Basically, if you don't nap, you'll explode. Just to be safe, take multiple naps every day.\nSome might argue that it's impossible to get ahead by wasting time and sleeping. Slackers sink to the bottom of society's fish bowl. If that's true, we need to change society.\nAm I suggesting a revolution? No. That would take way too much effort. But I am suggesting that we start a cardboard box commune. It will be a place where all can live and slack together in harmony; no work, no worries -- just peace, love and cardboard.\nIf a cardboard utopia sounds good to you, give me a call. We'll go dumpster diving right after my nap.
(02/09/05 4:29am)
February makes me shiver. And I can't remember if I cried, but something touched me deep inside the day Attorney General John Ashcroft left the White House, otherwise known as the day the music died.\nAs far as cabinet members go, President George W. Bush sure knows how to pick 'em. While serving as our nation's chief law enforcement officer, Ashcroft brought us such magical gifts as the Patriot Act, which got civil libertarians in a huff with its seemingly unbridled abilities to invade privacy, detain citizens and deport without notification in the name of homeland security.\nBut the most important gift Ashcroft gave us was the gift of song. Perhaps your heart has been filled with joy upon hearing his stirring rendition of a song he wrote himself, "Let the Eagle Soar."\nMellow and rich came the notes from his lips like butter melting onto a crispy piece of anti-terrorism toast. \nHis post-political plans need not include running for office, giving speeches or securing a position in academia. What a waste of time. I think I speak for America here. John Ashcroft, sing us another song. \nOur former attorney general should allow his musical career as a gospel singer/songwriter to take flight. Let the eagle soar indeed.\nThis is why I propose a little something I like to call the John Ashcroft Party Fun Bus. Now that Ashcroft is done with suspending civil liberties, he should have plenty of time to go on the road, touring the country in a pimped-out Volkswagen bus. Most importantly, we'll be able to book him for parties, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs -- you name it. Ashcroft will bring in 'da funk.\nThe John Ashcroft Party Fun Bus will be an entire entertainment package. After he sings his righteous melodies, Ashcroft can engage everyone with delightful party games such as spying on the neighbors and hitting a piñata that looks like the late Missouri governor and senatorial candidate Mel Carnahan. \nActually, Ashcroft's resignation is a blessing. Now that Alberto Gonzales is our attorney general, Ashcroft can finally share his talents with our fine nation via the Party Fun Bus.\nBut while Ashcroft sends Americans to heaven with his sweet tunes, we're left to wonder what to expect from the man filling his shoes. Our brand new attorney general has been heavily criticized for a memo he sent to President Bush in 2002 urging him to agree that the Geneva Convention did not apply to al-Qaida or Taliban prisoners detained at Guantanamo Bay. Gonzales is documented as saying that torture "may be justified" in the context of the War on Terror.\nBut one question remains in the hearts and minds of the American people: Sure Alberto Gonzales seems to have that charming distaste for civil liberties, but can he sing?\nThe New York Times mentioned that his hobbies include golf and racquetball, but his vocal talent remains a mystery. It is only possible to speculate about what kinds of songs he would sing. I picture Gonzales leaning toward a little show-tune ditty called "The Torture Tango," and such hip-hop grooves as "Drop Due Process Like It's Hot" and "Don't Mention Guantanamo No Mo'."\nSome senate members, although hesitant to welcome him aboard, believe that Gonzales might be an improvement over our last attorney general. But how can he suggest creative ways to keep war prisoners in line if he does not first put a song in our hearts? He would be wise to warm up his vocal chords if he wants to fill the void the Missouri crooner left behind. \nIf Gonzales feels hesitant about pushing for renewal of the Patriot Act, he need only remember: Let the mighty eagle soar like she's never soared before!
(02/03/05 5:00am)
Rich celebrities are as much a part of American culture as -- who am I kidding? -- rich celebrities are American culture. The rich and famous are even beginning to deny ordinary people the sacred right to be on reality television, but in doing so they're teaching the rest of us important life lessons.\nReality television sounds like an oxymoron. This prompted the makers of the genre to realize two important factors: real life is boring and real people are equally boring. The result is a new wave of reality where celebrities are put into outrageous situations. However, the shows maintain that unscripted, so-dull-it-must-be-real appeal.\nThe most notable example of celebrity reality is "The Simple Life," a show where debutantes Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are put into wacky "real-life" situations such as working on a farm. Their adventures are the best example of realistic programming since Jerry Springer. The term "fish out of water" is often used to describe the program, but a more appropriate analogy would be tennis ball launchers in a Fabergé egg store. The show's third season, "The Simple Life: Interns," premiered last week on Fox. This time Paris and Nicole hit the East Coast and "work" at various internships.\nClearly this season was created as an educational tool. Many college students are in pursuit of internships to get a foot into the door of the career world. There is so much advice out there on the best ways to snag that dream internship, but who can you really trust? You can trust Fox and their "Simple" intern tutorial. There's no better way to learn about surviving in the real world than by watching the lovable misadventures of Paris and Nicole. It may seem crazy to take job advice from people who have inherited too much money to actually need a job, but you'll go far if you use the reality series as your guide and follow these six easy steps to success:\n1. Before you start looking for a job you need to assess your skills and qualifications. Are you young, attractive and ridiculously wealthy? Yes? Perfect. Now you need a memorable name, preferably a well-known city. Consider renaming yourself Detroit, Istanbul or Nairobi. I like to call myself Guatemala City. \n2. Stock up on important internship supplies. Get a small dog. You may be considering saving some money and improving your karma by picking up a dog from the pound. Are you insane? Make sure you spend thousands of dollars on a dog that was bred for its special ability to look frightened and fit inside designer handbags. While shopping for pets, remember to pick up a comparably rich best friend who acts out in predictably defiant behavior that never gets old or loses its shock value.\n3. This next step is vital in getting your name out there and securing the interest of potential employers: make a sex tape. And don't forget to release it on the Internet. You might be thinking that appearing in a sex tape crosses some of your personal moral boundaries, but do you want an internship or not?\n4. Most career gurus will advise you to organize your resumé and practice writing cover letters, but that's leading you astray. The next real step to prepare for an internship is to get your own reality television show. This may seem like a daunting task, but once you've captivated everyone with your reckless party attitude, producers will jump at the chance to film your mundane activities.\n5. If you want to be treated as a professional, you must look and act professionally. Your personal appearance is very important. Always dress provocatively. This will not only make people like you, but it will also ensure that your show will be aired on the Fox network. \n6. You got the job! Congratulations. Your first task is to screw up. Do everything wrong. Take the careful instructions you've been given and do the opposite. The most important tip to keep in mind is that nothing will impress your future employer more than crazy shenanigans. If you intern at the zoo, feed endangered penguins to the jungle cats. If you intern at a weather station, shoot down weather balloons with a paintball gun. These adorable mix-ups will be sure to win over the hearts and minds of your employers not to mention the viewers.\nScoring an internship is just that simple. Fox has done us all a great public service by revealing the true secrets of success via Paris and Nicole. I don't anticipate a fourth season of "The Simple Life," considering Paris allegedly threw things at network executives when she was first asked to return for the third season. But if a new season does come about, I suspect it will be something along the lines of "The Simple Life: Political Reform."\nIf you're a rich celebrity, there's a place for you in elected office. Paris and Nicole will finally join the ranks of the Reagans, the Venturas and the Schwarzeneggers, and not a minute too soon. We'll be on the edge of our seats as they campaign, while we ignore the little voice that keeps reminding us that the network already purchased their spot in office. We'll laugh and we'll cry as the girls try to write bills outlawing polyester.\nI'm thankful that I live in a country where whiny rich people are put on television so we can all watch them. Skeptics might question how the celebrity reality trend can pass for entertainment, but why would you want to watch something scripted when you can see Nicole Richie get liquored up and start a bar fight? I won't be satisfied until every aspect of society is influenced by rich debutantes.
(02/02/05 4:23am)
Rich celebrities are as much a part of American culture as -- who am I kidding? -- rich celebrities are American culture. The rich and famous are even beginning to deny ordinary people the sacred right to be on reality television, but in doing so they're teaching the rest of us important life lessons.\nReality television sounds like an oxymoron. This prompted the makers of the genre to realize two important factors: real life is boring and real people are equally boring. The result is a new wave of reality where celebrities are put into outrageous situations. However, the shows maintain that unscripted, so-dull-it-must-be-real appeal.\nThe most notable example of celebrity reality is "The Simple Life," a show where debutantes Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are put into wacky "real-life" situations such as working on a farm. Their adventures are the best example of realistic programming since Jerry Springer. The term "fish out of water" is often used to describe the program, but a more appropriate analogy would be tennis ball launchers in a Fabergé egg store. The show's third season, "The Simple Life: Interns," premiered last week on Fox. This time Paris and Nicole hit the East Coast and "work" at various internships.\nClearly this season was created as an educational tool. Many college students are in pursuit of internships to get a foot into the door of the career world. There is so much advice out there on the best ways to snag that dream internship, but who can you really trust? You can trust Fox and their "Simple" intern tutorial. There's no better way to learn about surviving in the real world than by watching the lovable misadventures of Paris and Nicole. It may seem crazy to take job advice from people who have inherited too much money to actually need a job, but you'll go far if you use the reality series as your guide and follow these six easy steps to success:\n1. Before you start looking for a job you need to assess your skills and qualifications. Are you young, attractive and ridiculously wealthy? Yes? Perfect. Now you need a memorable name, preferably a well-known city. Consider renaming yourself Detroit, Istanbul or Nairobi. I like to call myself Guatemala City. \n2. Stock up on important internship supplies. Get a small dog. You may be considering saving some money and improving your karma by picking up a dog from the pound. Are you insane? Make sure you spend thousands of dollars on a dog that was bred for its special ability to look frightened and fit inside designer handbags. While shopping for pets, remember to pick up a comparably rich best friend who acts out in predictably defiant behavior that never gets old or loses its shock value.\n3. This next step is vital in getting your name out there and securing the interest of potential employers: make a sex tape. And don't forget to release it on the Internet. You might be thinking that appearing in a sex tape crosses some of your personal moral boundaries, but do you want an internship or not?\n4. Most career gurus will advise you to organize your resumé and practice writing cover letters, but that's leading you astray. The next real step to prepare for an internship is to get your own reality television show. This may seem like a daunting task, but once you've captivated everyone with your reckless party attitude, producers will jump at the chance to film your mundane activities.\n5. If you want to be treated as a professional, you must look and act professionally. Your personal appearance is very important. Always dress provocatively. This will not only make people like you, but it will also ensure that your show will be aired on the Fox network. \n6. You got the job! Congratulations. Your first task is to screw up. Do everything wrong. Take the careful instructions you've been given and do the opposite. The most important tip to keep in mind is that nothing will impress your future employer more than crazy shenanigans. If you intern at the zoo, feed endangered penguins to the jungle cats. If you intern at a weather station, shoot down weather balloons with a paintball gun. These adorable mix-ups will be sure to win over the hearts and minds of your employers not to mention the viewers.\nScoring an internship is just that simple. Fox has done us all a great public service by revealing the true secrets of success via Paris and Nicole. I don't anticipate a fourth season of "The Simple Life," considering Paris allegedly threw things at network executives when she was first asked to return for the third season. But if a new season does come about, I suspect it will be something along the lines of "The Simple Life: Political Reform."\nIf you're a rich celebrity, there's a place for you in elected office. Paris and Nicole will finally join the ranks of the Reagans, the Venturas and the Schwarzeneggers, and not a minute too soon. We'll be on the edge of our seats as they campaign, while we ignore the little voice that keeps reminding us that the network already purchased their spot in office. We'll laugh and we'll cry as the girls try to write bills outlawing polyester.\nI'm thankful that I live in a country where whiny rich people are put on television so we can all watch them. Skeptics might question how the celebrity reality trend can pass for entertainment, but why would you want to watch something scripted when you can see Nicole Richie get liquored up and start a bar fight? I won't be satisfied until every aspect of society is influenced by rich debutantes.
(01/27/05 5:00am)
Watching Kim Basinger waste some guy's cellular minutes by calling him with a desperate plea for help might sound boring, but that's only because it is. "Cellular" confuses suspense with monotony by waiting until the very last minute to become an action-thriller.\nIn a melodramatic flurry of broken glass, suburban mom Jessica Martin (Basinger) is kidnapped from her home outside of Los Angeles. The assailants lock her in an attic. Her only company is a telephone that was smashed to pieces. Fortunately, Jessica is a crafty high school science teacher with the ability to use the phone's wires to tap out a signal that reaches a random number. Who gets the call? It's none other than an average, college-age, white male with a big heart named Ryan (Chris Evans). Ryan rushes around Los Angeles to save Jessica, keeping her on the line and avoiding the perils of low battery power. \nThe first hour of the film serves mostly as a public service announcement about the dangers of driving while talking on the phone. The mild suspense is punctuated by a few worthwhile comedic moments. A smattering of well-executed chase scenes and gunfights keep the audience from nodding off. The end is a landslide of action and drama that almost balances out the tedium of the beginning.\nThe one shining performance of the film comes from everybody's favorite sassy guy on the edge, William H. Macy. Macy plays the only character with personality, Sgt. Mooney, a mild-mannered cop with ambitions of starting his own day spa. He gracefully makes the transition from testing out facial masks to taking down bad guys; providing some of the film's more poignant laughs.\nThe DVD includes three featurettes. The first, "Celling Out," is a mildly interesting overview of the history of cellular technology. The second is a glimpse into the 1999 Los Angeles Rampart scandal; a real-life tale of cops gone bad which inspired the movie. The third featurette is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the film, offering a laughable prediction that Chris Evans will become the next Tom Cruise. There are also five deleted and alternate scenes, but watching them would only occupy precious moments of your life that you could never get back. The extra scenes simply add insight into how the film could be more vapid with less editing.\n"Cellular" proves that comedy and suspense rarely make a good cocktail. The film's comedic moments succeed, but the suspense is shallow and takes way too long to create a nail-biting effect.
(01/27/05 4:19am)
Picture a white fluffy marshmallow being toasted over a bonfire. Orange flames dance around the edges as the temperature rises and the sides become crisp and brown. Now picture billions of tiny people living on the marshmallow and listen to them scream as they all catch fire.\nThe marshmallow is planet Earth.\nBad dramatizations aside, global warming is approaching a "critical point of no return," according to Monday's warning by an international climate change task force. \nGlobal warming? Are the scientists still whining about that?\nI'll admit that caring about the environment hasn't been hip for a while. Before I continue, I want to clear a few things up. I don't wear Birkenstocks or eat granola. I've never once tried to save a whale. Sometimes I recycle, but don't tell anyone. I'm clearly not a tree hugger, but even I think we need to stop ignoring the potential abrupt climate change.\nThe task force, a collaboration of the Institute for Public Policy Research in Britain, the Center for American Progress in the United States and The Australia Institute, reported that if the Earth's climate increases too much, we could be faced with such irreversible consequences as extensive drought, crop failure and rising sea levels.\nWhen we can see our breath and our ears are red in the dead of winter, global warming doesn't sound so bad. It seems to fit into the same category as hot cocoa and mittens.\nDuring a particularly heavy snow, a friend of mine made a comment regarding global warming:\n"Screw the polar bears. I want to play golf." \nI hate polar bears as much as the next person, but do you want our marshmallow to melt?\nThe task force warns that we must take drastic measures to prevent the Earth's climate from rising 2 degrees Celsius. The result of the increase could cause the Greenland and West Antarctic ice sheets to melt and the Gulf Stream to shut down.\nAn agreement was made at the U.N. Conference on Climate Change in Kyoto to cut the amount of gases that industries produce. But President George W. Bush has rejected the Kyoto agreement on the grounds that the required carbon emission cuts might be detrimental to the U.S. economy.\nSo it's okay if Kevin Costner turns into a fish as long as the U.S. economy flourishes.\nEven the economy seems trite in comparison with the risk of the cradle of life as we know it.\nThe world and fossil fuels have been dating now since about 1750, the approximate start of the Industrial Revolution. The relationship is still hot after 255 years, but it's getting a little too hot. Excessive greenhouse gases that heat the planet tend to kill the romance.\nIf we just told fossil fuels, "We're breaking up with you," the result would be chaotic, but focusing on a switch to renewable energy sources still should be a priority.\nEven if global warming were just something the crazy scientists made up, we couldn't ignore the fact that fossil fuels are finite resources. Focusing on renewable energy is a good idea no matter what. \nWhile policy makers struggle with tackling the issue on a global level, you might be thinking, "I'm just one person. Sure, I can stop having aerosol spraying parties, but how can my actions actually help?\nThe United States is the Paris Hilton of the world's resources, living in excess without seeming to care. We can't continue to view the environment as a limitless Eden.\nEverything you learned in second grade about turning off lights and carpooling — do it. It sounds like hippie rhetoric, but trust me: Conserving energy is not just crucial to the future of our planet -- it's hard-core.
(01/26/05 5:06am)
Watching Kim Basinger waste some guy's cellular minutes by calling him with a desperate plea for help might sound boring, but that's only because it is. "Cellular" confuses suspense with monotony by waiting until the very last minute to become an action-thriller.\nIn a melodramatic flurry of broken glass, suburban mom Jessica Martin (Basinger) is kidnapped from her home outside of Los Angeles. The assailants lock her in an attic. Her only company is a telephone that was smashed to pieces. Fortunately, Jessica is a crafty high school science teacher with the ability to use the phone's wires to tap out a signal that reaches a random number. Who gets the call? It's none other than an average, college-age, white male with a big heart named Ryan (Chris Evans). Ryan rushes around Los Angeles to save Jessica, keeping her on the line and avoiding the perils of low battery power. \nThe first hour of the film serves mostly as a public service announcement about the dangers of driving while talking on the phone. The mild suspense is punctuated by a few worthwhile comedic moments. A smattering of well-executed chase scenes and gunfights keep the audience from nodding off. The end is a landslide of action and drama that almost balances out the tedium of the beginning.\nThe one shining performance of the film comes from everybody's favorite sassy guy on the edge, William H. Macy. Macy plays the only character with personality, Sgt. Mooney, a mild-mannered cop with ambitions of starting his own day spa. He gracefully makes the transition from testing out facial masks to taking down bad guys; providing some of the film's more poignant laughs.\nThe DVD includes three featurettes. The first, "Celling Out," is a mildly interesting overview of the history of cellular technology. The second is a glimpse into the 1999 Los Angeles Rampart scandal; a real-life tale of cops gone bad which inspired the movie. The third featurette is a behind-the-scenes look at the making of the film, offering a laughable prediction that Chris Evans will become the next Tom Cruise. There are also five deleted and alternate scenes, but watching them would only occupy precious moments of your life that you could never get back. The extra scenes simply add insight into how the film could be more vapid with less editing.\n"Cellular" proves that comedy and suspense rarely make a good cocktail. The film's comedic moments succeed, but the suspense is shallow and takes way too long to create a nail-biting effect.
(01/19/05 4:40am)
The room starts to spin, and your heart flutters. It's almost as if you've been here before. Your forehead feels clammy and your breathing is labored. Don't worry. You're probably just overwhelmed by a sense of déjà vu.\nThe New Yorker recently reported that the United States has been conducting secret reconnaissance missions in Iran to identify potential nuclear, chemical and missile targets.\nThese reports haven't been confirmed by the White House, but President George W. Bush said Monday he would not rule out the use of military action if Iran continues to keep its dirty little nuclear secrets.\nRefresh my memory. Wasn't there some other country in the Middle East that supposedly had weapons capabilities, resulting in some sort of preemptive U.S. invasion or something?\nNah.\nAnyway, Iran claims to be using its nuclear capabilities only for energy.\nPlease. You're not fooling anyone, Iran. We know you're in the Middle East, which means you're rollin' in the oil. As if you could find uses for nuclear energy. Nice try.\nThe United Nation's International Atomic Energy Agency conducted inspections in Iran for more than 18 months. The inspections failed to provide any evidence supporting the existence of a nuclear weapons program. \nBut we can't afford to be messing around with such trivial details as evidence or proof when the world is facing imminent doom. And I'm not just talking about your average, garden-variety doom. It's the brand of doom that spells out nuclear holocaust, baby. \nIf diplomacy doesn't work in easing Iran off its nuclear high horse (and when does it ever?), we'll just have to get in there and blow stuff up, or Iran no doubt will build a weapon capable of exploding the sun.\nPeople whining about a lack of evidence seem to forget one important fact: We're not dealing with the axis of giggles and lollipops. It's the axis of evil -- the key word being "evil."\nAs a member of this dreaded axis, Iran clearly has use of evil powers and general wizardry. Maybe there is no obvious evidence of nuclear tomfoolery, but there's no telling what we're up against once we factor in the evil. We could be dealing with a fleet of flying monkeys.\nIn reality, evil powers probably include cloaking devices with the ability to mask any secret weapons programs. \nTake Iraq, for example. You might be wondering why no weapons of mass destruction were officially found. All the weapons were invisible. Duh.\nIAEA chief and notorious non-proliferation sissy, Mohamed ElBaradei, wrote in a report last November that "all the declared nuclear material in Iran has been accounted for, and therefore, such material is not diverted to prohibited activities." \nAlthough the IAEA still has its suspicions about Iran's possible nuclear shenanigans, the agency doesn't acknowledge the possible use of black magic. The agency's tactful beating-around-the-bush method is clearly inferior to America's more efficient butt-kicking approach to enforcing the United Nations Treaty on the Non-proliferation of Nuclear Weapons .\nAny place on the globe could be housing a secret nuclear weapons program. Any number of countries may already have formed their own new axis of evil, a fulcrum of villainy or even a hub of mischief. The United States likely will be sending secret reconnaissance missions into possible threat areas such as New Zealand, Canada and especially the Falklands.\nThe United States can't be expected to dillydally with negotiations while the United Nations wastes its time searching for proof of nuclear ambitions. The "A" in USA stands for action, and not your average, garden-variety action. It's the kind of brash, military action that makes you crave apple pie.
(01/13/05 4:12am)
Do you ever get that urge to put on a cowboy hat, grab the nearest 45 and shoot at a jukebox to change the song?\nI certainly do. It all started when I decided to give country music a chance.\nWhile driving in the car one day I stopped the radio on a country station. It felt so wrong. After about 30 seconds of twang, I panicked and changed the station.\nConfronting anything scary (i.e. public speaking, Count Chocula, country music, etc.) requires baby steps.\nCountry music has a large following, but I've heard more negative comments about the genre than any other kind of music, even bagpipe drones.\nThe popular music world seems to consist of two main groups: Those who like country, and those who like everything except country music.\nThe music has a stigma in our society, and it stems largely from stereotypes.\nSome have difficulty separating country music from the image of the backward Southerner.\nThe stereotype of a country fan, or to be politically correct, musical cowboy enthusiast, is someone who spends the day at the demolition derby, but only if the rodeo is not in town. We'll call this person "Jeb."\nJeb drives only American-made cars. He eats a diet strictly composed of biscuits and gravy -- and road kill on special occasions. He still considers seceding from the Union and urges public schools to enforce mandatory prayer sessions.\nMost importantly, he pronounces the word "pie" as "paaaaaaah."\nThese generalizations are wrong and should be shed like an exoskeleton of prejudice.\nIt is entirely possible that Jeb, the country music fan, spends his weekend playing chess and discussing abstract theories of quantum physics. Not everyone who listens to country music has a crush on a cousin, and I doubt that every incestuous couple likes country. \nThere is no hillbilly-shaped mold for country music. \nCountry aficionados are said to like whiny music. A song lamenting the search for a parking spot seems petty, but let's not forget that many of us listen to music where Lil' Jon yells out his own name.\nCountry has its bright spots such as "Prop Me up beside the Jukebox" by Joe Diffie. \nThe song describes one man's desire to have his dead corpse situated next to a jukebox rather than buried or cremated.\nI must admit the song is genius with such lyrics as "you can pay your last respects one quarter at a time." \nImagine slinging spare change at your dead buddy in between line dances. \nThe words are simple but poignant. This kind of language is often mistaken for ignorance, causing any profound message to be overlooked. \nCountry isn't all just gratuitous whining or an anthem for the common man. It can be clever and intuitive. Don't let the twang fool you. \nIf I can find genius in country music, there is hope yet. Stereotypes are tricky because they are usually regarded as fact by those who harbor them. \nEven if we consider ourselves to be open-minded, we may not be aware of our social typecasting. Be on the lookout. Perhaps you think that all circus performers listen to Fleetwood Mac, or maybe you harbor the misconception that everyone who wears socks with sandals likes to eat at Taco Bell.\nStereotypes are an ugly component of human nature, and it is impossible to eliminate them. But if we acknowledge that we all have unfounded biases, we come one step closer to kicking off the hypothetical cowboy boots of blanket generalizations and roping the steer of social harmony.
(12/13/04 4:33am)
What makes a good president? The exact qualifications might be impossible to pinpoint, but I know of someone who would make the perfect commander in chief.\nWe need one true uniting force to bring us together. And that uniting force is international pop superstar Britney Spears.\nShe is as American as apple pie in a sparkly body suit.\nSkeptics might say that Britney can't be president. And they're absolutely right. She's not old enough. Our constitution says the president must be at least 35. She'll have to wait for the election of 2016, but it's never too early to start campaigning.\nOur nation has become as polarized as a water molecule. Britney is the only person who can bridge the gap. Nothing says "we are all Americans" quite like her 2003 single "Me Against the Music."\n"All my people on the floor; Let me see you dance." \nThese are her lyrics. Miss Spears wants nothing more than for everyone to dance the dance of liberty on the giant dance floor of America. \nThis particular pop diddy also features the vocals of Madonna. Britney and Madonna epitomized teamwork when they kissed during a live performance of the song. If two pop divas can come together, why can't Republicans and Democrats do the same?\nBritney's uniting force will spread beyond U.S. borders. She is the key to re-strengthening fast dissolving alliances. \nThese days the United States is not especially popular in world opinion. But you know who is globally popular? Britney Spears, of course.\nHer latest album, a collection of greatest hits, has already gone platinum in all of Europe, not to mention Japan and Australia.\nBritney will become the great mediator between the United States and the rest of the world. Her debut single "... Baby One More Time" is a ballad of mistakes made in foreign policy.\n"Oh baby, baby; I shouldn't have let you go ... When I'm not with you I lose my mind ... Hit me baby one more time."\nBritney is certainly not a doormat for world leaders to walk upon, but she wants to rectify broken bonds. Meetings of the United Nations do not have to end with pouting. Representatives from different countries can meet dressed as provocatively dressed Catholic school girls. Then they can really start to compromise.\nBritney doesn't just care about mainstream issues. She would bring pressing concerns that don't get enough attention to the front burner. \nFor example, our country is rapidly running out of places to store radioactive waste but the government doesn't seem to be making the dilemma a top priority. Britney obviously cares deeply about this problem because she sings an entire song called "Toxic" about the dangers of nuclear waste.\nIf you want to know more about Britney's plans for the country, just listen to her music. "Bombastic Love" is a testament to fiscal responsibility, while "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" echoes her concern about national security.\nShe's obviously dedicated to serving the American people. One of her top singles is entitled "I'm a Slave 4 U."\nIf you're wondering how Britney will handle the ever increasing threat of terrorism, just look at her dance moves. With her flawlessly executed choreography, how could terrorists stand a chance? Britney Spears makes me feel safe.\nShe became the first female artist to have four number one albums in a row. You can't deny that she's a leader.\nShe also maintains a clear vision of the future. When she was a wee one singing at county fairs she knew she wanted to be a star and didn't stop until she became famous. If that's not an example of presidential caliber work ethic then knock me down and call me Suzie.\nThere exists only one pop sensation who can move this country forward. In 2016 say no to bipartisan bickering and yes to Britney Spears.
(12/06/04 4:18am)
What if a cop were your hairstylist? I'm talking about the kind of hairstylist who shaves patches of your hair in an attempt to prove you use cocaine.\nIt turns out the police station can double as a little barber shop of horrors.\nThe U.S. Court of Appeals for the Third Circuit recently ruled that police can shave hair from a suspect's head. They don't need a search warrant. They don't even need probable cause or proof that the hair will serve as evidence in the crime.\nIt seems unconstitutional. Doesn't the Fourth Amendment protect us from unreasonable searches and seizures? Since when is taking someone's hair not a seizure?\nThe case involved a Pennsylvania state trooper, William Coddington, who was suspected of cocaine use. Police received the information from a source proven by the court not to be credible, but Coddington was ordered to submit hair for drug testing. \nHe was left with bare spots on his scalp. Tests for cocaine showed up negative.\nCoddington brought suit against police arguing the hair samples were removed without reasonable suspicion. The court decided the Fourth Amendment is not constitutional Rogaine. It can't protect you from hair loss. \nWhen it comes to civil liberties, there are always exceptions to the rules.\nChildren in public schools can be subjected to random urinalysis. Travelers endure extensive airport security searches. And if you're suspect to cocaine use, Officer Friendly can give you a haircut.\nThe court's ruling is based on the idea that hair is on public display, making it fair game to searching. My left arm is clearly visible to the public, but no one is going to amputate that without a warrant.\nThe court put removing hair into the same category as taking a finger print or a handwriting sample.\nComparing hair to a fingerprint is like comparing your wallet to your shoe size. A shoe sales associate can take your shoe size, but if he takes your wallet, that's a problem.\nThe seizure of blood samples and finger nail scrapings in most cases requires a warrant, why not hair? Hair is physically attached to the body. It's a part of one's person.\nWho are we without our hair?\nI don't anticipate police running rampant with scissors at hand, snipping civilians at every corner. There is a delicate balance between upholding civil liberties and the pursuit of justice. \nProtesting the plucking of a few hairs in the name of the law might seem trivial, but as it stands the police have the legal go-ahead to shave as much hair as they want. \nOur legal system allows suspicion to wield a lot of power. But what is suspicion? The dictionary calls it a "slight indication."\nA slight indication can mean that Don King exits the police station looking more like Vin Diesel.\nLet's say someone tells police that microscopic microfilm containing child pornography is somehow hidden in my coiffure. The next day the police give me the hairstyle of Homer Simpson. \nI would be outraged. As an American citizen I have the right to privacy and most importantly the right to have stylish hair. But the precedent says the police action was constitutional.\nRealistically, if a similar case went to court, the precedent would be questioned. If the police really did shave my head looking for child pornography and I took legal action, the court might rule in my favor. If my case made its way up the chain, the Supreme Court could have different ideas about the Fourth Amendment.\nI agree that law enforcement agencies need the power to enforce the law, but the seizure of something attached to my head should require at least probable cause if not a warrant for removal. The unbridled authority to go to town with the razor is crossing a constitutional line.
(11/29/04 4:16am)
Back in the days of yore, decisions were easy to make. Now we live in complicated times; an era of electronic can-openers and animatronic pirates. We are plagued daily by the need for complicated decision making.\nWhich career path should I choose? What should I eat for breakfast?\nFinding advice is confusing. With every dilemma, we ponder: what would Latin pop sensation Ricky Martin do in my situation?\nThere's an easier way to make decisions. I crafted a decision-making model that helps me over every speed bump. Just take your problem and apply it to the three following steps:\nStep 1: Seek wisdom from the wise.\nAs redundant as it sounds, simply look to those who went before you or said profound things such as philosophers, famous people or popular musicians. What would Confucius eat for breakfast?\nIf you are unsure where to start, I suggest going to instant messenger and checking the away messages of your buddies, the easiest place to find inspirational quotes and poignant song lyrics.\nStep 2: Classify your problem as Mexican cuisine.\nThough unconventional, this step is the key to understanding the nature of your problem. If your dilemma were a kind of Mexican food, what would it be? Is this issue a tamale or an enchilada? If it's the former, take a moment to critically analyze what an enchilada means to you.\nStep 3: If all else fails, turn to Billy Joel's classic, "It's Still Rock 'n Roll to Me."\nInfinite wisdom resides in the lyrics of this song. For example, let's say you're debating whether to buy new speakers. Billy Joel says, "Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers. You get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers." \nBuy shoes instead.\nIf you don't know what to wear for that hot date, Billy Joel says, "How about a pair of pink sidewinders and a bright orange pair of pants." \nProblem solved.\nAs an aside, I've never known what Billy was referring to when he said "sidewinders." The dictionary told me a sidewinder is a kind of rattle snake or punch in the face. It turns out sidewinders are sandals. Maybe everybody else knew that.\nThe model works for all problems. For example, registering for classes can be stressful. Let's say you need to decide betwixt fitting in that extra required class or taking Intro to Jazzercise.\nIn the first step we look for advice from others. Albert Einstein once said, "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted." \nJust because that carefree elective isn't a requirement doesn't mean you won't gain valuable life skills.\nIn step two, I'm envisioning curriculum choices as a burrito. A burrito has a variety of different ingredients all wrapped up in a flour tortilla. In the flour tortilla of next semester, you too should have variety.\nJust to make sure, let's ask Billy Joel. He says, "Should I try to be a straight 'A' student? If you are then you think too much."\nOne should not be overly preoccupied with academics. Billy Joel says Jazzercise your heart out.\nNow that you see how it works, you can have the confidence to apply the model to everyday quandaries.\nYour roommate claims Michelle Kwan's triple toe loop/triple toe loop combination outshined Tara Lipinski's triple loop/triple loop jump combination in the 1998 winter Olympics. \nYou can end this argument once and for all by turning to step one. When debating issues of figure skating, I find that the words of musical artist Master P best express my true feelings. On the issue of Kwan's triple toe loop I believe Master P would say something along the lines of, "uhh, na na na na."\nObviously your roommate is wrong. Three simple steps can guide you through it all.
(11/22/04 4:13am)
The holidays are nearly upon us, and you know what that means. It's time for your family to sit around a table, share a big meal and argue over things they know nothing about.\nNow is your opportunity to prepare for battle by brushing up on the facts. I want to give you the power to say, "You're sadly mistaken, Aunt Gertrude." Or, "You're tragically misinformed, Uncle Roy." I'm providing you with information to bust down the top three myths of the moment.\nMyth No. 1: Turkey is like morphine\nIt's Thanksgiving and your cousin Larry says, "I'm so gosh darn sleepy because of all the tryptophan in the turkey."\nFrom a scientific standpoint, what Larry just said is a bunch of malarkey, balderdash and general flapdoodle.\nUsing the word "tryptophan" makes Larry feel intelligent, but the tryptophan itself is not to blame for falling asleep on the couch with Grandma's afghan. It's true that tryptophan is an essential amino acid linked to sleepiness, but turkey does not have a substantially higher amount than other high-protein foods.\nA little bit of turkey on an empty stomach might produce a slight drowsy effect, but turkey is not the miracle sleeping pill. Don't blame the bird.\nMyth No. 2: George W. Bush and Condoleezza Rice = Romeo and Juliet of the White House\nI first started pondering this myth when I was watching TV at 3 a.m. A credible news source, VH1's "Best Week Ever," speculated that President Bush and the current national security advisor are romancing.\nI decided it was my civic duty to investigate this rumor and perhaps add to the media hype. I don't have sufficient evidence to fully put the rumor to rest, but to the surprise and disappointment of many, it is probably false.\nIf our president were scandalously canoodling with Condoleezza, surely he would've nominated her to be the secretary of defense rather than the secretary of state. Had the two been having some sort of affair, I'm sure Condi would've received yummy Rummy's coveted job when he resigned.\nYes, Rice seems incapable of having opinions that oppose the president. Yes, Bush did kiss her after her secretary of state nomination. And yes, he did not kiss Alberto Gonzales, the nominee for attorney general. \nBut he did kiss Margaret Spellings, the nominee for secretary of education. \nMaybe the large number of administrative resignations can be attributed to the president's fickle distribution of PDAs.\nMyth No. 3: A sandwich with the apparition of the Virgin Mary was for sale on eBay.\nHang on. This is no myth. This really happened. It's not just Grandpa's medication making him mention holy sandwiches for sale on the Internet.\nLast week a Florida woman put a grilled cheese sandwich up for auction with a starting price of $3,000.\nFrom the picture on eBay, you can almost make out the form of a feminine face in the brown crustiness of the bread. \nThe seller claims the cheese sandwich is a miracle because it has not aged during the past 10 years. (Yes, she made it 10 years ago and has since kept it in a special case.) She claims the sandwich has blessed her life because she won $70,000 gambling at a local casino.\nIf luck be a cheese sandwich tonight, why sell it? I think Catholic canonical law forbids the sale of holy things. After being blessed for 10 years by Mary, Mother of God and patron saint to gamblers, I wonder why she's cashing in now.\nIn a time where religious values in America are saturated with ambiguity, all I can say is: Behold the power of cheese.\nAt least with the knowledge of these busted myths under your belt, you'll have something to bring up at the dinner table during those awkward silences when the only audible sound is Uncle Roy's horse-like chewing.
(11/16/04 5:40am)
Ger Duany was first surrounded by the drama of a civil war-torn country and then fate led him to the drama of the American silver screen. Duany is originally from Sudan, but considers Bloomington home. He came to the United States as a refugee when he was only 16. Not only was he a real refugee, but he plays one in the new movie "I (Heart) Huckabees."\nAfter coming to the United States, Duany found a home in Bloomington with the aid of The Lost Boys Foundation, an organization that works to help unaccompanied refugee minors. He graduated from Bloomington North High School in 1998. Now at 25, he attends the University of Bridgeport in Connecticut.\nMary Williams, the founder of the Lost Boys Foundation, helped Duany discover auditions for "I (Heart) Huckabees." It was a widely taped audition, but he got the part.\nDuany plays the role of Mr. Nimieri, "a tall African doorman." The movie revolves around his role. Mr. Nimieri is continually spotted at odd places and times by Jason Schwartzman's character, Albert. Albert believes that these encounters cannot possibly be random and he seeks to find meaning in the coincidences.\nAs it turns out, Mr. Nimieri fled violence to come to the United States and live with a new family. Director David O. Russell said he wanted someone who had endured the real life experience of being a refugee to play the role. \n"I wanted to have someone who was actually a Sudanese lost boy," Russell said.\nDuany has only taken one acting class in his entire life. It was a gamble to cast someone with essentially no acting experience. \n"You're always taking a risk when you do that," Russell said, "You never know what you're going to get."\nRussell was lucky enough to strike gold when he cast Duany.\nThe director couldn't stop listing off his positive qualities. He was able to take direction easily, remembered his lines, had really good instincts and his natural ability transcended the lack of experience. \n"On a scale of one to ten in that area, he's an eight or a nine," Russell said.\nBesides the wealth of talent, Russell found working with the former refugee to be a dream just from his truly genuine personality.\n"He had this sweetness about him," Russell said, "He makes you feel good to be around him." \nRussell wouldn't hesitate to call up any director to recommend Duany's talent. He considers him a friend and said he would love to work with him again.\n"He's a beautiful person; really gentle and creative," Russell said.\nRussell isn't the only one in Hollywood who wants to do another project with Duany. Actor Mark Wahlberg, who played the part of Tommy Corn in "Huckabees," said he hopes Duany will be cast in an upcoming movie he's working on, though he would not divulge any details about the project.\nOver the course of filming together Duany and Wahlberg became good friends.\n"We connected immediately," Wahlberg said.\nA great sense of humor is one of the qualities Wahlberg appreciates in his friend. He said they have similar outlooks on the world despite their drastically different backgrounds. When the two get together, they don't talk about acting. They talk about life.\n"Whenever I go to New York or New England I give him a call and we try to hangout," Wahlberg said.\nAs much as Wahlberg seems to admire Duany, he literally looks up to him. \n"He's a giant. He can be pretty imposing, but he's very gentle," Wahlberg said.\nAt 6-feet-5-inches Duany is not exactly the world's tallest man, but he's nearly a foot taller than Wahlberg.\nDuany joked that the other actors looked like midgets compared to his height. \nHis tall stature aids in one of his favorite hobbies -- basketball. He played in high school and for a short time at the University of Bridgeport. The sport has helped him overcome other challenges, such as working with an entire cast of big name actors in a feature film.\n"Like basketball, you can't let anybody intimidate you when you come into the court," Duany said about working with celebrities.\nDuany said when he first started working on the movie, he was a little bit starstruck being around the likes of Jude Law, Lily Tomlin, Dustin Hoffman, Naomi Watts and others. He had seen them in the movies and on television, and the next thing he knew he was eating with them and talking with them in person.\n"They're just normal people like you and me," Duany said.\nHis experience with "Huckabees" has opened the door to another rare opportunity. At a screening of the movie in Los Angeles, Duany met male supermodel Tyson Beckford. \nBeckford saw modeling potential.\n"He thought I had some talent or something," he said.\nIt's not every day a supermodel spots someone out of a crowd and opens the door to a modeling career, but Duany remains humble in spite of the attention. He doesn't allow walking the runway to go to his head. It's merely a form of income.\n"I just need a job; a little fashion show here and there," Duany said.\nNow his primary focus is being a college student. If he has any spare time at all he lifts weights. He took time off of school to shoot the movie, but now he's back on track.\n"Right now all I do is I study," Duany said.\nWhen asked what was the best part of working in the movie he shyly laughed.\n"Everything was good," he said, "But the best part ... I just enjoy being around people."\nDuany is a people person to the core. He is currently working on a degree in human services. He wants to continue acting, but it is a volatile trade.\n"Acting, it comes in and then goes away," Duany said.\nIf he's not acting, he wants to be a social worker or a counselor.\nHe was inspired to study human services because of the help he received from The Lost Boys Foundation when he came to the United States. The organization aided in getting him through immigration, teaching him how to speak English, providing food and supplies, and getting him into high school.\n"I learned why people would want to help other people," Duany said.\nHe remains humble and emphasizes that he hasn't changed in any way. His fresh acting career has taken him to a lot of places, but his heart remains in his hometown where his family lives. Whenever he's away he looks forward to visiting during breaks from school.\n"I can't wait to come to Bloomington for Christmas," Duany said.\n"I (heart) Huckabees" is currently in theaters.\n-- Contact staff writer Joanna Borns at jborns@indiana.edu.
(11/15/04 4:56am)
If you've seen the 1985 classic "Back to the Future," perhaps you've noticed that Indiana governor-elect, Mitch Daniels, is suddenly acting much like Christopher Lloyd's character, Doc Brown.\nHe wants to mess around with time, and not just any time -- daylight-saving time.\nGreat Scott! Daniels hopes to pass 1.21 gigawatts of legislation to put all of Indiana on the crazy clock-turny-backy method so it can enjoy the numerous benefits of extra light.\nSome might look at his agenda and scoff, "Doesn't he have bigger fish to fry?" \nWhat? Like the fiscal fish? No. The daylight-saving time fish is the biggest fish of them all, so let's fry 'em up.\nThe benefits are clear.\nWith extra light, Indiana's crime rate will substantially decrease. In fact, crime will most likely be eliminated altogether. Potential criminals will think twice about breaking the law. With all that light, bad guys will likely be forced to leave our society and live underground, forming a civilization of mole people.\nThink about how much Indiana's soil aeration will improve. Thanks, mole people.\nAnd it doesn't stop there. With that one extra hour for daylight-specific activities, our golf-fueled economy would immediately flourish.\nIndiana will be an economic utopia. The only reason out-of-state companies don't come to our state is because we don't have daylight-saving time.\nIf you thought companies considered expanding to other states by looking at tax incentives, corporate income apportionment and capital, boy were you wrong! Ask any business major. Businesses are looking for one thing -- daylight, sweet, sweet daylight. Once we switch our clocks, businesses will jump across state borders until we have to beat them away with sticks.\nNot only will all this light-saving boost our economy, but it will also boost family values. Clock changing is fun the entire family can enjoy. What better chance to bond than during the mandatory resetting of all time keeping devices? Hang on Chief, don't forget the VCR! \nBy far the greatest benefit of the extra light is its ability to keep the vampires away. Indiana residents will save millions on garlic and crucifixes.\nPersonally, I just can't wait to say cool phrases such as, "Who got the DST? We got the DST."\nDaniels could enlist the help of political activist P. Diddy to pass his light initiative. Not that Daniels needs any help making T-shirts with slogans, but picture everyone wearing a shirt that reads, "Daylight-saving time or die."\nBut perhaps you can't be influenced by a gimmicky T-shirt.\nIf you're still not convinced about daylight-saving time, I'd like you to meet Hank. I made him up, but he will serve as a tragic example of what can happen if we don't switch to daylight-saving time.\nHank was massively afraid of the dark. He lived in perpetual fear of the night. Then he moved to Indiana where it gets dark early and now he's more scared.\nWhy settle for only one extra hour of daylight? Really, is it fair for Alaska and Canada and all those axis-located places to hog the light? I think not. It's Indiana's turn for a sweet 24-hour summer solstice. Step aside.\nAs long as we're playing God and changing time, why not find a way to adjust the earth's axis so we can get in on more of those UV rays? With today's technological advances, I know someone out there is sitting on a way to change the earth's rotation.\nA planetary-rotation-super-gravity-ray gun station would be an excellent way to bring more professional high tech jobs to the state.\nI can tell you one thing. Ain't nothing gonna hold me and my solar-powered calculator back anymore.
(11/11/04 5:00am)
Picture if you will, a musical utopia. Live bands play in an intimate setting. Everyone rocks out and moshes in harmony. All are welcome, for there are no age restrictions. This is no unattainable dream of Eden or Elysian fields. This utopia exists in Bloomington at Rhino's All-Ages Music Club, voted the best under-21 venue in town. Rhino's puts emphasis on booking local and original music. There is no limit on the genre, as acts from punk to ska, hip-hop to acoustic, and everything in between appear on stage.\nThe essence of a live show is extracted in its purest form. Rhino's is basically a big room with a stage on one end and soundboard on the other. The walls are painted with murals, and your typical music-venue old couches dot the grungy floor. Because it is a not--for-profit club, the décor is not extravagant -- but the music is what matters.\n"If the crowd is good and the band is good, it's a happening place to be," manager Brad Wilhem said.\nWilhelm, a former Union Board concert director, chuckled when he heard the club was voted the best under-21 venue, because it is technically the only under-21 venue in town. \n"It's one of the few places with no age limit where you can see live original music, unless you go to a basement show where you run the risk of that getting busted by the cops," Wilhelm said.\nAnd speaking of getting busted by the cops, house parties themselves came in third place in the voting for best under-21 spot. (Second place went to the recently closed Club Cream, a hip-hop dance club for patrons 18 and over.) \nIt's easy to see why house parties made the list. They have mingling, alcohol and they don't have a stern faced bouncer checking IDs. Plus house parties provide that "homey" atmosphere only a house can offer. Nothing says "Won't you be my neighbor?" quite like a keg. \nBut shows and parties in personal dwellings have their setbacks. Walking into someone's personal living space to see a band is much like entering a hermit's cave or a turtle's shell for a show. There exists a level of awkwardness and elitism.\nSophomore Ann DeVilbiss has been a Rhino's patron for over a year. She said the atmosphere is safe and friendly, and because it is a public venue, she finds it to be less intimidating than house shows. \n"The two times I saw Murder by Death they were pretty awesome, and there have also been a few good Nicotones shows," DeVilbiss said.\nBecause of the variety of different genres booked, the crowd is never exactly the same. The mannerisms, emotions and dance moves will be different every time. The audience is what makes the show.\n"A lot of the atmosphere of a show depends on the mood and energy of the crowd," DeVilbiss said.\nAnother frequenter of Rhino's, senior Rob Woodworth, said the all-ages aspect of the club is quite a rarity.\nThough the lack of an age restriction pulls in many high school students, college age patrons don't have to feel elderly. Woodworth said the crowd is a mix of college and high school students. \nRhino's size and approachability are a couple more bonuses it can claim.\n"It has a larger capacity than other venues like Second Story or Axis," Woodworth said. "It is also easy to book a show there, so kids in bands have a good place to try and play."\nWoodworth also believes Rhino's is a feel-good venue. He said he's never seen a fight there, and he enjoys the smoke-free environment and not being "choked by fumes all night." \nRhino's is also heavily involved in the community. Besides live music, the club offers youth outreach programs where high school students can go after school to participate in a variety of activities, such as working on their own radio and television shows. High school students even painted the murals on the walls. In the decade it has existed, Rhino's has become a place for education and entertainment alike. \n"I think it is a positive place in Bloomington," Woodworth said. "I know they try and do a lot for the community, and I would like for there to be a few more places like it around"
(11/11/04 3:14am)
Picture if you will, a musical utopia. Live bands play in an intimate setting. Everyone rocks out and moshes in harmony. All are welcome, for there are no age restrictions. This is no unattainable dream of Eden or Elysian fields. This utopia exists in Bloomington at Rhino's All-Ages Music Club, voted the best under-21 venue in town. Rhino's puts emphasis on booking local and original music. There is no limit on the genre, as acts from punk to ska, hip-hop to acoustic, and everything in between appear on stage.\nThe essence of a live show is extracted in its purest form. Rhino's is basically a big room with a stage on one end and soundboard on the other. The walls are painted with murals, and your typical music-venue old couches dot the grungy floor. Because it is a not--for-profit club, the décor is not extravagant -- but the music is what matters.\n"If the crowd is good and the band is good, it's a happening place to be," manager Brad Wilhem said.\nWilhelm, a former Union Board concert director, chuckled when he heard the club was voted the best under-21 venue, because it is technically the only under-21 venue in town. \n"It's one of the few places with no age limit where you can see live original music, unless you go to a basement show where you run the risk of that getting busted by the cops," Wilhelm said.\nAnd speaking of getting busted by the cops, house parties themselves came in third place in the voting for best under-21 spot. (Second place went to the recently closed Club Cream, a hip-hop dance club for patrons 18 and over.) \nIt's easy to see why house parties made the list. They have mingling, alcohol and they don't have a stern faced bouncer checking IDs. Plus house parties provide that "homey" atmosphere only a house can offer. Nothing says "Won't you be my neighbor?" quite like a keg. \nBut shows and parties in personal dwellings have their setbacks. Walking into someone's personal living space to see a band is much like entering a hermit's cave or a turtle's shell for a show. There exists a level of awkwardness and elitism.\nSophomore Ann DeVilbiss has been a Rhino's patron for over a year. She said the atmosphere is safe and friendly, and because it is a public venue, she finds it to be less intimidating than house shows. \n"The two times I saw Murder by Death they were pretty awesome, and there have also been a few good Nicotones shows," DeVilbiss said.\nBecause of the variety of different genres booked, the crowd is never exactly the same. The mannerisms, emotions and dance moves will be different every time. The audience is what makes the show.\n"A lot of the atmosphere of a show depends on the mood and energy of the crowd," DeVilbiss said.\nAnother frequenter of Rhino's, senior Rob Woodworth, said the all-ages aspect of the club is quite a rarity.\nThough the lack of an age restriction pulls in many high school students, college age patrons don't have to feel elderly. Woodworth said the crowd is a mix of college and high school students. \nRhino's size and approachability are a couple more bonuses it can claim.\n"It has a larger capacity than other venues like Second Story or Axis," Woodworth said. "It is also easy to book a show there, so kids in bands have a good place to try and play."\nWoodworth also believes Rhino's is a feel-good venue. He said he's never seen a fight there, and he enjoys the smoke-free environment and not being "choked by fumes all night." \nRhino's is also heavily involved in the community. Besides live music, the club offers youth outreach programs where high school students can go after school to participate in a variety of activities, such as working on their own radio and television shows. High school students even painted the murals on the walls. In the decade it has existed, Rhino's has become a place for education and entertainment alike. \n"I think it is a positive place in Bloomington," Woodworth said. "I know they try and do a lot for the community, and I would like for there to be a few more places like it around"
(11/08/04 4:12am)
I'll admit it. Since the close results of last Tuesday's presidential election, I've had only one thing on my mind. It eats away at me like a deadly bacteria, and I can't let it go. There's a question that I can't stop asking myself. Some say I should just move on, but I just have to bring it up.\nThe thing is, there are a lot of fat squirrels on campus. With all that extra weight slowing them down, could I potentially catch one?\nI hope I'm not alone in having these thoughts. I know you've seen the fat squirrels too. I realize they're only fulfilling their roles as small woodland creatures by preparing for hibernation, but every time one scurries past in all its cute fuzziness, I have the urge to catch it.\nAre these urges abnormal? I sense only a trained professional in the field of psychology could answer that question. But don't judge me. Can you honestly tell me that when a squirrel looks up at you with its big brown eyes and bushy tail, you've never thought about trying to pet it?\nNow, I know you aren't supposed to keep squirrels as pets. I'm not sure who made this rule, but rules were meant to be broken. If everyone followed the rules we would never have such revolutionary innovations as rock and roll or microwavable macaroni & cheese.\nBesides, I'm not sure I actually want to have a squirrel as a pet. I'm just looking for at least one meaningful encounter. The only problems is, there are always people around when I'm within petting distance of a squirrel and I feel self-conscious.\nI know you're probably saying, "Joanna, don't be so concerned with what other people think. Just be yourself! Touch the squirrels!" And maybe you're right. But, will the squirrels accept me?\nI almost had a close squirrel encounter the other day near Ballantine Hall. It was a rare moment when no one was around and a pudgy, nut-scrounging cutie pie was just at my feet. I quickly glanced in all directions, wary of onlookers. The coast was clear. The squirrel was not running away. He was frozen in time, motionless. Something inside of me snapped and I said to myself, "Now or never. This is go time."\nI could've done it. I could've petted the squirrel, but something stopped me. I started to reach down and he just stared at me. His eyes were wide and I sensed he was filled with maybe a smidgen of terror. Okay, the squirrel was obviously petrified and I felt guilty, so I left him in peace. \nBut the squirrel-shaped void in my heart remains. Surely there is a way to reach beyond the species barrier.\nPerhaps you remember that movie "The Horse Whisperer?" It came out in 1998. It was based on a book. I don't actually remember that much about it, but couldn't Robert Redford talk to horses? He had a special bond with the majestic galloping creatures and he gained their trust blah, blah, blah ... Can anyone do that with squirrels?\nI think one of my friends came close in junior high. I have a vivid image of my friend Caitlin reaching out to a squirrel, handing it a "fun size" Snickers bar. The squirrel eagerly grasped the candy with its little squirrel talons, or whatever squirrels have, and scampered away.\nBut can squirrel contact go beyond the instinctual bond of food? Is there a squirrel whisperer?\nI would seriously like to know. If anyone out there has the coveted skill of communicating with the squirrels, please take me on as your apprentice! I have so much to learn. I have nothing but respect for your trade and most importantly, the utmost of respect for the squirrels. Teach me.
(11/01/04 4:25am)
This Tuesday is huge. It is a day that marks an annual tradition deeply rooted in history. It is a day you have likely been anticipating for a long time. Tomorrow is Día de los Muertos, also known as the Day of the Dead.\nI feel like there's something else going on tomorrow too, but I can't quite put my finger on it.\nOh yes, the elections are tomorrow. Election Day is a day where everyone makes altars covered in flowers, pictures, food and candy skeletons to honor and celebrate loved ones who have passed. Wait -- my bad. I'm still stuck on the Day of the Dead. \nLet me get back on track. Elections, elections ... oh I remember now. Election Day is a day where we exercise a sacred right to vote. It is a day where we can say, "I may only be one person, but I have a say in my country's government." It is a day where the silver bell of democracy rings true with the voice of the people. In short, it's suffrage-tastic.\nAmericans get to vote for lots of stuff. However, our founding fathers are probably turning over in their graves because in the eyes of America, one elected office has become more important than all the rest. All that anyone seems to care about on Election Day is which rich white guy gets to sit in the oval office.\nAll of the other elected officials can go cry in the corner because tomorrow night Americans will be glued to the television set, waiting to find out who the big commander in chief will be. The rest they can read about in the paper the next morning.\nThe president is the one who gets all the attention. Everyone is trying to predict where the presidential chips will fall.\nPolitical analysts have put themselves among the ranks of Nostradamus and Miss Cleo saying that this election is going to be a close one.\nI think we can all agree that it will be interesting to see which presidential candidate wins this year's elections. But have you ever considered making it a little more interesting? \nYou know what I'm talking about. Pink Floyd, among others, wrote a song about it. Money. Who wants to make a little bet?\nMany people feel that the future of our country and their own personal futures are at stake in this election. What if money were at stake as well? What if you could gain overnight wealth in the presidential election lottery?\nMSNBC reported that millions of dollars are being wagered on the U.S. elections this year via gambling Web sites. Experts speculate that the odds on the sites offer a more accurate prediction of election outcomes than public opinion polls.\nWhy? Because giving an earnest political opinion -- eh, not so important. But money? Way important.\nEconomists say that voters don't have any incentive to tell the truth about their intended vote in the polls, but when they're betting away the benjamins they'll likely try to make informed choices based on the best information they can get.\nExploiting the democratic process, a freedom that people have died for, may seem unwholesome, but it only makes sense. It's the American way. I would be shocked if people weren't betting on this election. Gaining prosperity is the embodiment of the American dream. Not placing a wager on democracy would be downright un-American.\nNow the next step is to find a way we can profit from the Day of the Dead. In the meantime, I'll put five bucks on Kerry, who's in?