Nuclear scavenger hunt

The room starts to spin, and your heart flutters. It's almost as if you've been here before. Your forehead feels clammy and your breathing is labored. Don't worry. You're probably just overwhelmed by a sense of déjà vu.\nThe New Yorker recently reported that the United States has been conducting secret reconnaissance missions in Iran to identify potential nuclear, chemical and missile targets.\nThese reports haven't been confirmed by the White House, but President George W. Bush said Monday he would not rule out the use of military action if Iran continues to keep its dirty little nuclear secrets.\nRefresh my memory. Wasn't there some other country in the Middle East that supposedly had weapons capabilities, resulting in some sort of preemptive U.S. invasion or something?\nNah.\nAnyway, Iran claims to be using its nuclear capabilities only for energy.\nPlease. You're not fooling anyone, Iran. We know you're in the Middle East, which means you're rollin' in the oil. As if you could find uses for nuclear energy. Nice try.\nThe United Nation's International Atomic Energy Agency conducted inspections in Iran for more than 18 months. The inspections failed to provide any evidence supporting the existence of a nuclear weapons program. \nBut we can't afford to be messing around with such trivial details as evidence or proof when the world is facing imminent doom. And I'm not just talking about your average, garden-variety doom. It's the brand of doom that spells out nuclear holocaust, baby. \nIf diplomacy doesn't work in easing Iran off its nuclear high horse (and when does it ever?), we'll just have to get in there and blow stuff up, or Iran no doubt will build a weapon capable of exploding the sun.\nPeople whining about a lack of evidence seem to forget one important fact: We're not dealing with the axis of giggles and lollipops. It's the axis of evil -- the key word being "evil."\nAs a member of this dreaded axis, Iran clearly has use of evil powers and general wizardry. Maybe there is no obvious evidence of nuclear tomfoolery, but there's no telling what we're up against once we factor in the evil. We could be dealing with a fleet of flying monkeys.\nIn reality, evil powers probably include cloaking devices with the ability to mask any secret weapons programs. \nTake Iraq, for example. You might be wondering why no weapons of mass destruction were officially found. All the weapons were invisible. Duh.\nIAEA chief and notorious non-proliferation sissy, Mohamed ElBaradei, wrote in a report last November that "all the declared nuclear material in Iran has been accounted for, and therefore, such material is not diverted to prohibited activities." \nAlthough the IAEA still has its suspicions about Iran's possible nuclear shenanigans, the agency doesn't acknowledge the possible use of black magic. The agency's tactful beating-around-the-bush method is clearly inferior to America's more efficient butt-kicking approach to enforcing the United Nations Treaty on the Non-proliferation of Nuclear Weapons .\nAny place on the globe could be housing a secret nuclear weapons program. Any number of countries may already have formed their own new axis of evil, a fulcrum of villainy or even a hub of mischief. The United States likely will be sending secret reconnaissance missions into possible threat areas such as New Zealand, Canada and especially the Falklands.\nThe United States can't be expected to dillydally with negotiations while the United Nations wastes its time searching for proof of nuclear ambitions. The "A" in USA stands for action, and not your average, garden-variety action. It's the kind of brash, military action that makes you crave apple pie.