Shake that, Ashcroft

February makes me shiver. And I can't remember if I cried, but something touched me deep inside the day Attorney General John Ashcroft left the White House, otherwise known as the day the music died.\nAs far as cabinet members go, President George W. Bush sure knows how to pick 'em. While serving as our nation's chief law enforcement officer, Ashcroft brought us such magical gifts as the Patriot Act, which got civil libertarians in a huff with its seemingly unbridled abilities to invade privacy, detain citizens and deport without notification in the name of homeland security.\nBut the most important gift Ashcroft gave us was the gift of song. Perhaps your heart has been filled with joy upon hearing his stirring rendition of a song he wrote himself, "Let the Eagle Soar."\nMellow and rich came the notes from his lips like butter melting onto a crispy piece of anti-terrorism toast. \nHis post-political plans need not include running for office, giving speeches or securing a position in academia. What a waste of time. I think I speak for America here. John Ashcroft, sing us another song. \nOur former attorney general should allow his musical career as a gospel singer/songwriter to take flight. Let the eagle soar indeed.\nThis is why I propose a little something I like to call the John Ashcroft Party Fun Bus. Now that Ashcroft is done with suspending civil liberties, he should have plenty of time to go on the road, touring the country in a pimped-out Volkswagen bus. Most importantly, we'll be able to book him for parties, weddings, Bar Mitzvahs -- you name it. Ashcroft will bring in 'da funk.\nThe John Ashcroft Party Fun Bus will be an entire entertainment package. After he sings his righteous melodies, Ashcroft can engage everyone with delightful party games such as spying on the neighbors and hitting a piñata that looks like the late Missouri governor and senatorial candidate Mel Carnahan. \nActually, Ashcroft's resignation is a blessing. Now that Alberto Gonzales is our attorney general, Ashcroft can finally share his talents with our fine nation via the Party Fun Bus.\nBut while Ashcroft sends Americans to heaven with his sweet tunes, we're left to wonder what to expect from the man filling his shoes. Our brand new attorney general has been heavily criticized for a memo he sent to President Bush in 2002 urging him to agree that the Geneva Convention did not apply to al-Qaida or Taliban prisoners detained at Guantanamo Bay. Gonzales is documented as saying that torture "may be justified" in the context of the War on Terror.\nBut one question remains in the hearts and minds of the American people: Sure Alberto Gonzales seems to have that charming distaste for civil liberties, but can he sing?\nThe New York Times mentioned that his hobbies include golf and racquetball, but his vocal talent remains a mystery. It is only possible to speculate about what kinds of songs he would sing. I picture Gonzales leaning toward a little show-tune ditty called "The Torture Tango," and such hip-hop grooves as "Drop Due Process Like It's Hot" and "Don't Mention Guantanamo No Mo'."\nSome senate members, although hesitant to welcome him aboard, believe that Gonzales might be an improvement over our last attorney general. But how can he suggest creative ways to keep war prisoners in line if he does not first put a song in our hearts? He would be wise to warm up his vocal chords if he wants to fill the void the Missouri crooner left behind. \nIf Gonzales feels hesitant about pushing for renewal of the Patriot Act, he need only remember: Let the mighty eagle soar like she's never soared before!