Cut me some slack

The act of "slacking" is generally done by the species Lazy-us Slackimus, otherwise known as the "slacker."\nIn the past, slacking was viewed as a noble lifestyle where the slacker lived at home in his parents' basement. Some common names for the slacker were "unemployed" and "weed aficionado." But things have changed. Slacking has evolved into a state of enlightenment that all college students can share.\nPlenty of students have no difficulty achieving this spiritual state. Perhaps you look around a lecture hall and find yourself surrounded by slackers or even consider yourself to be one. Or maybe you fall into an entirely different category.\nIf you find yourself chronically studying, going to class or feeling stressed out and busy, you might have a rare medical condition known as being an "overachiever." In this case, you need help. Once you admit you have a problem, there are three steps you can take to find slacker nirvana: avoid setting goals, procrastinate and nap.\nAn uninspired high school athletics coach once told me to set very low goals. However, an even wiser IU freshman advised that I should set no goals at all. Dropping all goals and aspirations is the first step to enlightenment.\nWe are all canaries imprisoned in a cage with bars made of goals.\nLet's say you want to be president. That's fine. But if you lodge this goal into your brain as something you must accomplish, think of the sad puppy face you'll make if you never succeed. \nIf you don't have any expectations for yourself, you'll be much happier. Actually doing anything is a major accomplishment. Simply waking up in the morning and eating cereal puts you way ahead of the game.\nA life free from goals might seem aimless, but there's one underlying principle that governs the life of a slacker: procrastination. It's not just a bad habit anymore. It's another stepping stone down the path to enlightenment.\nUnfortunately, it is nearly impossible to exist at an institution of higher education and do absolutely nothing, so become very familiar with the two words "last minute."\nOnce you put everything off, what are you going to do with all of that free time? There are plenty of important things to do, such as making new friends on http://thefacebook.com or talking to your real friends online. With the Internet, talking to people in person is no longer necessary, even if they live in the same building or room.\nBut if constantly staring at a screen instead of a book has you concerned, don't worry. There is one slacker activity that takes precedence over all the rest: sleep. It must be done often. If you have no classes or appointments, waking up before noon is a huge mistake. And if you do have early engagements, I can't stress enough the importance of napping. A slacker without a nap is like a grenade without its pin. Basically, if you don't nap, you'll explode. Just to be safe, take multiple naps every day.\nSome might argue that it's impossible to get ahead by wasting time and sleeping. Slackers sink to the bottom of society's fish bowl. If that's true, we need to change society.\nAm I suggesting a revolution? No. That would take way too much effort. But I am suggesting that we start a cardboard box commune. It will be a place where all can live and slack together in harmony; no work, no worries -- just peace, love and cardboard.\nIf a cardboard utopia sounds good to you, give me a call. We'll go dumpster diving right after my nap.